Well, after many turns, I find myself off in a new direction.

Being Roman Catholic, then denouncing the church, finding an 'Earth Based Religion', then wondering where the rituals came from, then learning about early Christianity, Essenes, Gnostics, and now I've headed back in this direction.

I heard a term used by one of my members of the Spiral Cafe Gnostic forum. He called himself a 'metaphorical Christian'. In many ways that describes me. I believe in the bible as myths and stories, told to be contemplated, deciphered, reflected upon and internalized.

When I was active in the craft, I was Priestess, my husband Priest, of our small coven. We called upon the Lord and Lady equally. It was not Goddess based, it had equal emphasis on God and Goddess. However, I always had a hard time personifying these two. Actually, seeing the Lord as the Horned God, not the Satan dude that people think of when 'Horned' is mentioned, but Lord of the Hunt. Of Death and Resurrection. Of Life and Giver of Life. Lord within Him who's Name is Mystery of Mysteries (the invocation we use when calling upon our Lord)... that was easy enough. Though he oddly resembled the Jesus in pictures I have seen. But with stag horns and a flame burning between the horns. Nothing demonic. Just brilliant, raw, energy... But I could not name him any of the God names that Pagans used. It just never seemed correct for me. So he was always just The Horned God.

And The Lady. I could not see her as Aradia, or Brighid or Diana. I saw her as Mary, or Mari.

When I started learning about Gnosticism, I realized that for me, I was trying to personify Sophia (wisdom) and  the Logos/Christ (word)... through doing that, through visualizing them, I was able to magnify those aspects of myself. The Christ within, The Living, working Christ.

I have a number of  friends in the Gnostic Church. Unfortunately, the closest Gnostic Church is in Victoria. I joined an order called The Order of Esclarmonde for lay nuns and monks, an online and real life (if one doesnt mind travelling) community for us to share Compline and thoughts, and to offer fellowship from afar due to the fact that Gnostic Churches are few and far between. However, the Word of God does not have to limit itself to one denomination. It is universal. Therefore, I hope to be able to find a Church close to me that I can attend, and participate in. The United Church of Canada seemed as though I might be able to find a spot... even if it is a tad awkward. My understanding of the Word may be slightly different from those whom I sit next to, but that's cool. We all have our own path to follow. All are rivers flowing to the same vast ocean.

I spent along time in the anti-Christian phase. Felt that the Craft was the true path. However, much of it felt made up, and silly.Not because the practice itself is silly, but because I wasn't connecting to it on a spiritual level.  I realized that it might be okay to be a Christian . It meant I was following the Word of Christ. The Logos. It did not mean that I was suddenly a Christian Fundy , high and snooty, anti-masturbation, anti-gay etc etc 'enter your fav Christian stereo-type here'....my own personal relationship with Christ (which for me includes also the personification of Wisom/Sophia) is mine. I don't know if I'm in the right place, but I do know I crave community. I spend every morning lighting a candle and incense at my altar, saying a prayer to the Fullness, the Fallen Word, and the Lost Queen who is Holy Wisdom. That may put some people off, but for those who can accept that this is my way of connecting to the Divine, and who are cool with that, well for them, I can offer the same acceptance of what it is that they need to do for themselves. I can respect their path, their relationship to Christ. With love in my heart.

Well, there be my first blog post here. :) Exposing my odd self for who I am.

In Love & Light,

Sr.Elena