Sometimes, you get to a point in your life when you look around, and you don't remember how you got there.

I'm in one of those points.  If people told me five years ago that I would have an identity crisis at 27... actually, I would have believed them.  But I would have been a bit disappointed (as I am now) that I hadn't figured out by now.  Instead, I'm stuck trying to describe what I feel like with analogies like being out to sea with only faith in the stars to guide me.

I've been so blissfully ignorant of my life-on-pause status, that now that it's started to pick up, the pressure to go in a direction of my choosing is stressful and frustrating.  As per usual, I'm afraid of messing up, of not choosing the right path.  Or worse, having it chosen for me. 

Who am I?  I thought I knew... but now I can't tell.  I'm not the same person I was six years ago, when I met and fell in love with my fiance.  I'm not the same person I was five years ago, when I graduated and haunted the Work In Culture job posting board.  I'm not the same person I was three years ago when I took up the Chair position of my church's Worship & Membership committee.  But I feel like for all I've changed, I've accomplished nothing.

I'm sure that isn't true, I'm sure it's just me feeling out of sorts and inadequate and directionless.  But I look at people younger than me with their life on track, and I wonder why I never had the direction they obviously do.  I don't dream about growing up and being anything in particular.  I like doing what I'm good at doing, which unfortunately, could be many things. 

And now I look forward, and the future seems unfathomably near.  In a year and five days, I'll be married.  And in the next two years, one of my good friends might be pregnant (or already a mother), my sister might live in a different province or country, my fiance might be a Dr. and have a job somewhere other than here.  Time keeps forcing me forward, and I don't want to have another five years pass before I can look back and be upset with what I didn't accomplish, because I didn't know what I wanted to accomplish.

But... but.  Church has been right beside me.  The past few weeks, immersn has been looking at "Who am I" - and I started the series thinking "Oh, this probably won't really apply to me".  Suddenly it was all I was thinking of.  I shared my fears of being more, of doing more, with them last week, and their eyes wrinkled as they frowned - surely I knew how special I was.  I do know - and that's why I feel so stressed out.  I know I could accomplish incredible things... but without direction or motivation, what use is potential? 

I used to be fine with just going with the flow, learning along the way at whatever pace the world threw at me... but now I expect more.  Have I lost part of myself, or gained more?  Who am I, and who do I want to be?