There have been a few times in my life where I questioned if I was following along with my parents religion because it was simply that, my parents Religion, or if it was something that I believed as well. As a teen during rebellion faith was the first thing that was tossed back into my parents face. I chose to abandon the Roman Catholic teachings that had surrounded me for the more romantic and modern beliefs that a friend of mine introduced me to. Of course as a 16 year old girl,  I was drawn to Believe that I was magical.  Wicca is new, exciting, romantic, empowering and Dangerous.

The thought of keeping it hidden from my parents made it more desirable. They of course would not approve. I gave up on Wica when my friend Claimed that she was able to see ghosts and Demons, Wanted to form a coven and Put spells on people.

I floated back to church with my parents and just accepted it. I wasn't passionate about it. I was just there because it simply was what we do.  I Became Angry at 18 with God with the passing of my grandmother. I Yelled and screamed and cursed his name. I thought What kind of God would take someone so beautiful and so very needed in my life. I became depressed, and gave up. I began thinking of ways how I could give up my life.

This is when I was Guilted into going to church again, but with my Boyfriend and his family.  They Were not Roman Catholic. They were Pentecostal. Born Again.

I went with the motions,  But never fully was able to walk the line that they wanted towed. My Boyfriends mother is a self proclaimed recruiter. Her mission is to save the world and every soul she meets by Thumping her Bible over every ones head, and demanding that they conform.  This again put me off organized religion. I don't agree with the anger and confrontation of people who don't agree. Telling people that they will never go to heaven unless they denounce their faith, and fully convert.

Remarkably it took the loss of a pregnancy  for me to feel a connection again. I was  23 and Pregnant for the second time. We were all so excited. My husband(the boyfriend From my teen years), Our 3 year old daughter and I. It was mothers day weekend, 18 weeks in. We were going to the ultrasound appointment in a few days and were still debating on finding out the sex of the baby. It was also Mother's day.  It started after lunch. I felt Ill. I thought it was a bad bought of morning sickness. Soon the pain was no longer in my tummy, but also in my lower back with sudden stabbing sharp pain in my lower abdomen.  We went to the hospital after the blood appeared, and found out the baby was no more.

I shut down. I turned into myself. I kept everyone away. I wouldn't allow friends or family to see me. I paid minimal attention to my husband and daughter. I had quit. It took the voice of my three yr. old girl to say " Our baby is in heaven with Jesus now. I think he will take good care of baby"    I started walking over to church by myself not going in, but sitting in the rose garden staring at the statue of Mary.  I did that everyday for a few weeks. Go. Sit . Stare One day I found my self talking. Asking questions of the stone face. Not expecting a reply. I would sit. Stare, and release all the pent up feelings I had not dealt with. She just looked back, And listened.  I was able to sort through my feelings with Mary. I was able to open the wounds, to let them heal. People Saw me sitting there sometimes crying some times not. They left me to my peace.  One time during my visit, I Felt the need to go inside. I knew there was a service going on. I had seen the Bus drop off the Aged, I could hear the music. I snuck in the back and sat in the last pew. The church I was baptized in. The church My parents were married in. I was there again. It felt wonderful. I felt calm. I had felt nothing but sorrow, and self pity for such a long time.

I Am 25. Mother of Two beautiful girls, and as my five year old tells everyone we meet, With a baby waiting for us in heaven. I Have questions about The religion that I feel I am a part of. Currently I am Developing my Relationship with God, and Teaching My beliefs to my Girls.  

I am finding My own way through this crazy life, But Its been easier when I let go, and follow with my heart.