I am fairly alone within my family as regards my faith. I am the only practicing Christian among my friends. I wouldn’t say this makes me fearful, but it does make me timid. I feel a bit self conscious at times, fearing perhaps others may think I am naive or quaint. Although most of my family and friends identify themselves as Christian, none attend church, read the bible, or pray before dinner. The bible to most seems a silly old book with little value, written by ancient and superstitious people about people and events that never happened. It’s hard for those who are not literate in the bible to form an image of its value. Either it is true or it’s worthless is what it seems to boil down to for many. Most marry in the Christian faith, and want their children baptized but this is pretty much it. Several loved ones forbid funerals, which is odd when I think of it because those same people were married in churches and baptized their children.

Although I attempted to raise my children in a Christian household, neither of my children are religious. They have for the most part rejected faith. They are still in their teens though, so maybe one day this will change. My children fought against prayers at the table, and eventually even eating at the table vanished as a ritual. It seems we don’t like rituals. For a while my own faith slipped a little into the mist. I still prayed, I still read the bible, but I remained isolated and alone in this. It was like trying to eat without food. It wasn’t very appetizing. There was a sense that I was disappearing because my expressions of faith were so entirely rejected by the ones I love.

The church does have a capacity to articulate an alternative narrative, and for this reason I attend. I think for many the narrative of life gets muddled and fuzzy, digressing into an unfocused conversation with the self. My faith keeps me from spending too much time talking to my own brain. There is so much instruction on self help and so little on escaping the confines of such a limited life experience. This is why we can watch the news while simultaneously worrying about a pimple. Self help is generally a soliloquy, and a very lonely and long route to the meaning of life. It can also be a kind of torture. You itch more when you are focused on it. Even prayer can easily sneak back into a conversation with the self. It takes practice. My faith informs me through the very disciplines that my family and friends have long since rejected. There is a bigger picture that gets lost without faith. I am not against self help, there is a place for this. It’s just that freedom so often comes when the self moves aside. I am, as I said, somewhat alone with my faith within my personal sphere and this makes me timid about expressing it.

Moving from fear to joy isn’t easy. I tend to focus on scarcity because I have experienced it, and hopelessness because having been once so trapped within it I fear it, I tend to love more from a distance, and sing so quietly no can hear. Faith is meant to be joyful, so how will I move towards joy? I can only keep moving in the direction I feel called to. I feel called to continue learning, to look deeper, to let the self lose a bit of its former status so that the self consciousness I feel about my faith no longer holds me back.

I am very moved by your thoughtful comments and thank you for them.

While an inadequate response to all that you've said, here it is. I found myself led - as I read your words - back to the phrase within our most popular creedal statement: "We are not alone." I have a strong sense that you too know the depth of this truth.

Like you, regular spiritual practices are critical to my life, and not everyone in my family is Christian. Many have drifted away from the faith we share and from our community of faith. It saddens me. Like you, I need Christ's guiding by which to avoid self-absorption and self-deception. Praying with scripture, for instance, opens me to see the joy that Mary saw with the angel's help and reassurance. Taking time at the beginning of the day to open myself to the possibility of joy, and to notice both joy and the absence of joy at day's end (the Ignatian examen prayer practice) opens me to insight and grace that are not of my making or expecting... and I don't always receive joy.

Regular worship in my congregation is often where my tears flow, tears of recognition that I am not alone and that joy can come to me not only personally but also in community. Turning from fear to joy is not an act of will or intellect so much as a grace given - beyond our control and yet within a way of life that we can attend to for our spiritual health and that of others, even during long stretches when the joy is not yet visible.

I pray that you will experience an advent journey by and through which God's joy is given as grace to you.

 Mardi, it is wonderful to talk with you this way and thanks for the way you have opened yourself to this possibility.  When some of us in 1983, including David Lochhead and Doug Tindal and myself were groping in the dark to imagine what the medium of telecommunication could become, I don't think any of us could have imagined that we could have a one-on-one visit with the Moderator.  This is terrific.

I love your theme, "Turning from Fear".  This e-mail represents my turning from fear, and imagining your interest in my e-mail rather than the rejection sometimes expect.

Yesterday we had the Pensioners' Luncheon for the four Lower Mainland (BC) pensioners.  There were over 100 in attendance (including spouses) at Northwood United Church in Surrey and we had a ball!  The pensioners are the happiest group in the Church, by my experience.  Jack Shaver made that comment once and I have never forgotten it.

Thanks for this opportunity, Mardi and blessings to you and our Church.

Gordon Laird

Gordon, it's terrific to hear from you!

You and Doug and David  were among the true pioneers in electronic communication. Isn't it grand to see how your early adventures have inspired so much more as the church carries on its dialogue of faith with culture, in cyberspace, for the sake of God's healing work in the church and world ?

Glad to hear that you're a happy pensioner, and thank you for bringing back fond  memories of Jack Shaver too. I wonder if there's anyone more broadly quoted than Jack is through our beloved United Church.

Advent blessings to you and yours, Gordon.

Moderator Mardi Tindal

 Mardi, Jack Shaver worshiped at West Point Grey United, where we attend and where Dorothy Shaver continues to be a long-time member.

Yesterday Jack and Dorothy’s son-in-law, Bill Reimer was visiting from Montreal and I was able to tell him about your reference to Jack Shaver’s quotations.  I encouraged Bill to write you, because he has a web-page where we can read many of Jack’s speeches and sermons.  It is a labour of love!

Gordon