Narcissism & The Mirror of Divine Love

This is a sermon on love & narcissism. It is a traditional theme that I find is often missed in more contemporary, New Age versions of the Christian message. This particular sermon is based on Jonah 3:10-4:11 and Matthew 20:1-16. Hopefully it will spark discussion.

Rishi

The Mirror of Divine Love

Jonah 3:10-4:11, Matthew 20:1-16

Our readings from the Hebrew and Christian scriptures this morning converge on the theme that Divine Love is not fair…it isn’t discriminating…its just given away freely to everyone, whether they deserve it or not…

That’s how Jonah felt. He was quite clear about who was entitled to Divine Grace… and, more importantly, who was not. Jonah was so infuriated over the compassion God felt for the people and the animals of Nineveh that he threatened to commit suicide. Now, he had been quite concerned about receiving compassion for himself, just a few days earlier, when he was stuck in the belly of a whale. But now that he no longer felt vulnerable himself, he couldn’t have cared less about how the 120,000 people and animals in Nineveh were feeling. He just wanted to see them all punished and thrown into calamity. After all, they had lived corrupt and violent lives. So what (!) that they were now sincerely trying to get their lives together! They still had it “coming to them” as far as Jonah was concerned.

And so, the complete absence of malice in this Divine love just throws Jonah into a tantrum of rage. He just can’t stand this love that has no limits, that forgives without hesitation.

Jonah sees these people as somehow very, very different than himself. He clearly feels that he himself is somehow entitled to love and compassion, but he feels that these folks in Nineveh deserve nothing but suffering. What’s wrong with Jonah?

Apparently it’s not an unusual problem. The lectionary points out that the very same theme is highlighted by Jesus in the parable of the landowner, who gave equal pay to all the workers in his vineyard, no matter how much or how little they technically “deserved.” Jesus is very clear that this is a parable; it’s not to be taken literally; it’s saying something about the spiritual life. It’s saying that there is this incredible grace, this Divine Love, which everyone, across the board, gets complete access to. It’s unconditional. It’s not only available to certain people who have “earned” it somehow. It actually has nothing to do with earning or deserving. It excludes absolutely no one.

And that really ticks many people off (in this parable)… because they’ve been working hard all day long, and comparing themselves with everyone else, and they’re “doing the math” and thinking, “I’ve done more… and done it better… than those people. Surely I deserve more than she does…. And way more than he does… But look at what is happening – everyone is getting 100%, even the ones who don't deserve it. Eternal, limitless, Divine Love... It’s just not fair.

We might wonder, “What's wrong with these people?” “Why can’t they just be happy?” What is it about this Divine Love that makes it so very disturbing to them?

There’s a beautiful story from the ancient Greek world that sheds an interesting light on this strange reaction in human beings when they encounter Divine Love. It’s the story of Narcissus.

In this ancient tale, there was a young man named Ameinias, who was madly in love with Narcissus... They were neighbors in the forest, and Ameinias, along with all the animals and mythical creatures like cherubs, were so enchanted with the beauty of Narcissus that they would just sit and gaze at him all day, as he rested or took walks in the woods.

This went on and on, until, one day, Ameinias decided to proclaim his love for Narcissus. But he soon discovered that Narcissus had no love to give him in return. Emotionally, Narcissus was like a stone.

Now that, in itself, was unfortunate, perhaps, but not necessarily tragic. Ameinias might have gotten over it in time. But the situation became tragic very quickly because Narcissus had a problem – a kind of “superiority complex,” which made him very insensitive to the pain that his actions could cause in others. And so, as a way of discouraging Ameinias, Narcissus told him very abruptly and coldly that if he could not live without the love of Narcissus, then he was going to need this... and Narcissus handed him a very sharp sword.

Of course, Ameinias was devastated, and in the terrible passion of that vulnerable state, he accepted the sword and used it to take his own life, right there on Narcissus' doorstep.

But… as he was dying, Ameinias said a prayer to the goddess Nemesis, asking that Narcissus would also one day know the great pain of rejection.

Nemesis, in the Greek, means “to give what is due,” and the goddess of Nemesis was personified in those days as a cold avenger, who would mercilessly punish anyone who “deserved” it..... (If we think back to this morning’s OT story for a moment, we remember that Jonah was wishing for just such a vengeful god, who would bring retribution – and have no mercy on Nineveh. Of course, thankfully, Jonah didn't get his wish.)

But in the story of Narcissus, it seems that the prayer for vengeance was answered. Because one day, while Narcissus was walking in the woods, he came upon the most beautiful creature that he had ever seen in his life, laying down in front of him. And instantly Narcissus fell madly in love. Unable to contain his passion, he bent down on one knee to kiss the lips of this beautiful creature, but just as their lips were about to meet, Narcissus felt his face go under water. And he realized, to his horror, that he was standing before a small pond, and that what he had fallen so madly in love with was not another person at all, but simply his own reflection in the water.

Suddenly, Narcissus felt painfully alone, and he began to understand the pain that his actions must have caused Ameinias, and all the others that he had treated with such contempt and cruelty over the course of his life. Filled with anguish and self-loathing, Narcissus cried out, 'I am worthy of nothing but to die a cruel death.' And, in the passion of that moment, he drew his sword and killed himself.

And, the story tells us that, in that moment of his death, the body of Narcissus turned into a delicate flower, which appeared quite beautiful on the outside, but gave off a very vile stench from within. And to this day, that flower, the narcissus, reminds the world of the dangers of becoming enchanted with one’s own image.

Narcissus had an affliction. But, more importantly, what this ancient myth suggests to us is that the affliction of Narcissus is actually a universal affliction, one which every human being must face in one way or another, and attempt to find a solution to. . . .

What makes the affliction of narcissism so very challenging is that it perpetuates itself through a kind of vicious circle:

There is a ‘tender’ side of it, in which we become very over-sensitive and morose and say things to ourselves, like, “I am no good... I don’t deserve anything; I’m not worthy of love, or kindness, or respect. I probably don’t even deserve to live.” When we’re afflicted with this very ‘tender’ side of narcissism, we become obsessed with an image of ourselves as inferior. (We see a beautiful example of this in the gospels, when Jesus approaches Peter for the first time, and Peter shouts out, “Go away from me, Rabbi...I am a sinful man!”Of course, Jesus loved Peter, and didn't turn away.)

But there is another side to this affliction of narcissism… a very ‘tough’ side, in which we can become very under-sensitive and grandiose...and say things to ourselves like, “I am so good; I deserve everything that everyone can give me… and more (!)... I’m entitled to more love and kindness and respect than ordinary mortals…. The world owes me, because I’m just more… special than others.” When we’re afflicted with this kind of “tough” narcissism, we become obsessed with an image of ourselves as superior to others. (This is the side of narcissism that we saw in Jonah's outrage over how God dared to love Nineveh as much as God loved Jonah... It’s this “tough” side of narcissism that we see also in Jesus' parable of the workers in the vineyard, who felt they deserved more than all the newcomers.)

In some ways, it really doesn’t matter whether we’re obsessed with a “soft”, inferior image of ourselves, or a “tough,”superior image of ourselves, because, whether we’re deflated or puffed up, either way, we are unaware of the truth of who we are; either way we are afflicted, and either way we end up spreading the pain of that affliction around to others.

A curious thing about these different sides of narcissism is that they frequently flip back and forth – just like they did in the stories... Remember, Narcissus started out very tough and grandiose, but in the end hebecomes morose and suicidal... Jonah experiences a similar kind of flip-flop, only the other way around – he starts out, in the belly of the whale, full of self-loathing, but then flips into a sense of self-righteous superiority about Nineveh. Of course, these flipl-flops are not real solutions to the problem of narcissism. They just perpetuate its vicious circle.

So, what is the solution to this difficult problem that we human beings struggle with? Is there a solution?

Surely loving and caring for myself doesn’t have to impair my ability to feel and care for others. Surely caring for others doesn’t mean I have to have an inferior view of myself and my own needs.

So, how does the ancient Christian tradition suggest that we can find our way out of this vicious circle that we may get trapped in, as so many of the characters in the biblical stories did? How do we find a healthy middle ground, where we can experience Divine Love, and healthy love of self, and healthy love of others all at the same time?

Well, answering that question in our daily lives is really what the Christian spiritual life is all about, and it's a lifelong journey... At the risk of oversimplifying, which sermons inevitably seem to do, we might say that, traditionally, the solution we discover on the Christian journey comes down to three things (not necessarily in this order, and often discovered all at the same time):

First, we discover that the Mystery we call ‘God’ cannot be captured in any image – whether it’s in stone, or concepts, or feeling states, or computer pixels, or metaphors, or whatever other sorts of images we might create. We discover that God is not what we perhaps always imagined him/her/it to be.

And, second, we discover that the truth of who we are cannot be captured in any static image either. Because the real truth of who we are is all wrapped up in that Divine Mystery we call “God.”

And, third, as we pray, and study, and learn to live faithfully, day by day, we discover that the real truth of who God is, and the real truth of who we are, and the real solution to the many personal and global problems of narcissism... are all found in the very same place: ...within that Sacred Core that dwells within each and every one of us..... What our ancient Christian tradition calls the Christ, who dwells within us. What Buddhists call the Buddha, that is our ultimate nature. What the Hindus call the Brahman that is our True Self.

Now just because Christ doesn't dwell within us in a literal physical way, like the way our stomach dwells within our mid-section, or our brain dwells within our head, that doesn't mean that this Divine Indwelling is not true. It is a spiritual truth. It is a truth so deep, so subtle, that we can only point to it through sacred stories and symbols. But, as we grow more open to discovering it, we find out that this Christ within is indeed quite real.

And becoming more aware of that Living Christ within us, heals our afflictions, because it is there, in that awareness, in that deepest place of the heart, that we find mirrored back to us the deepest truth of who we are. It's there that we discover an identity that is not just self-propelled; but that has a Divine Energy Source. An identity that is rooted in God’s own Self.

This is quite good news, because it means that all of us, whether we are aware of it or not, have truly “got what it takes,” truly got the “right stuff” inside of us. All of us -- even though that inner core may be obscured, even though our different cultures and philosophies and religions may understand its details somewhat differently... the solutions that we need are, in fact, within us.

Of course, scripture and tradition remind us that uncovering these inner truths is not a painless, magical process. As wonderful as it might sound to “encounter the limitless love of God,” and “discover our true spiritual identity” ...it can also be quite disturbing at times... because it involves a letting go, a shedding, a falling away of our sense of superiority, and our sense of inferiority, and other such falsehoods.

That’s what Jonah found out. That's what the laborers in the vineyard found out. That’s what most of the characters in the biblical story seem to find out sooner or later -- ( Sarah and Tamar, David and Job, Ruth and Naomi, Peter and Paul... and so on)

There’s a risk in looking into that mirror of Divine Love, looking into the eyes of the Loving Christ within us.

Because what we discover there might very well cause us to lose faith in an image of ourselves that we've been carrying around for a lifetime. Maybe its the 'good girl' or 'good boy'. Or the 'bad girl' or 'bad boy'. Maybe its the one who deserves everything… or…. the one who deserves nothing. And so on. All of those stories that we can tell ourselves about who we really are, those stories that can go around and around in the privacy of our own minds.

Perhaps losing faith in some of those little stories that we tell ourselves about ourselves is just what we need.

Still, I have to admit that, although I have experienced great benefit from looking deep into the eyes of the Loving Christ within, and have come to believe that such a consecrated life truly is the "good life," sometimes, in the ups and downs of my daily life, I prefer to not take that risk. I get caught up in a sense of inferiority, or superiority, or some other illusion, and I decide to 'go it alone,' with only ego as my guide. So, for me, this way of following Christ is a process that I need to continually re-establish myself in, as I move from one moment to the next, from context to context. It doesn't work as just a Sunday morning thing.

We're fortunate to have a full time Teacher, who has the faithfulness, and the hopefulness, and the limitless Love that it takes to always be patient with us, and to always keep healing us of our afflictions.

I’d like to leave you today with this question for your own reflection: Is looking deep into the eyes of the Loving Christ within you... a risk worth taking... in your life?

Maybe, in a way, this is what Church is all about – a community where we can find the wisdom, and the compassion, and the courage that we need in this life to keep saying “yes” to that question, to keep taking that great risk of encountering the sacred, that invisible but very present Christ, within ourselves, within eachother... over... and over... and over again.... Now that... would keep me coming to church.

Comments

Arminius

Posted on: 05/07/2009 23:15

Hello again, rishi:

Christ Consciousness in Christianity is very similar to the Buddha Consciousness of Buddhism: it slumbers innately in every one of us, and needs to be awakened. It is the consciousness of our at-one-ment with our creative Source. And, because our creative Source poured ITself out into everyone and everything, Christ Consciousness is not only the consciousness of our at-one-ment with God but also with everyone and everything.

Once the Christ Consciousness is awakened, it results in an upwelling of universal, unitive love. To foster this "Awakening," and enact the resulting universal love, is, or should be, the ultimate aim of religion.

rishi

Posted on: 05/08/2009 08:10

Hi Arminius,

I like what you said. What you described as "Christ Consciousness" reminds me of teachings in the "Unity" church (not to be confused with Unitarian Universalists), which draws on Christianity and other sources for their message.

Where my perspective is different, but not incompatible, with Unity's style of ecclecticism is the emphasis that I put on attending to a wisdom tradition, such as Christianity, as an integral whole. Ironically, this is a perspective that Buddhism helped cultivate in me. To illustrate, I remember a story told by Jon Kabot-Zin, a key person behind "Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction" programs. As the story goes, he consulted with the Dalai Lama, because he was concerned that in his MBSR programs, he was appropriating certain conceptual and technical aspects of Buddhism, but leaving out a great deal that would not be compatible with the secularity of North American health care. After he explained the details and the outcomes of the MBSR programs, the Dalai Lama's counsel was that MBSR seemed to be a wonderful gift to health care, one which many people could benefit from. He then added, "just don't call it 'Buddhism'."

It is good counsel, I think, which can apply equally well to how Christian themes might be taken up by contemporary movements like Unity, or A Course in Miracles, or referenced in passing by spiritual teachers like Krishnamurti or Eckhart Tolle. All potentially good, in my view. The nuance I would add, though, is "just don't call it 'Christianity'," -- not to be proprietary, mean spirited, or a know-it-all -- just out of reverence for the Christian wisdom tradition as an integral whole, which I believe is important to preserve.

All the Best,

Posted on: 07/03/2009 14:09

Narcissism is sort of an immature self love, an essential, early developmental stage of divine self love. What keeps this love immature, and from evolving into the greater and divine love of one's ultimate and godly self, is the insurmountable barrier that traditionalist Christianity has placed between the individual and God.

If God were seen as the comsic totality, of which the individual self is an inseparable part, then love of the individual self could naturally expand into love of our greater, godly and cosmic self, which includes everyone and everything.