THE SOBER HEART: A MEMORABLE DIALOGUE FROM THE FIRST NIGHT IN REHAB

(The following is an excerpt from a talk given on Friday May 6th in honor of the one year sobriety anniversary of a young man in London, Ontario.)

THERAPIST: Addiction is a disease. But it's not an ordinary disease. It's mainly a spiritual disease. The root “cause” of it is not the presence of something “bad” in you, like a virus, or a tumor, or a bad gene. Instead, the root cause is the absence of something “good” that you need. And this good thing that is missing is necessary equipment. There's no way that you can live well without it.

What's missing is a sober heart. I don't mean the physical heart in your chest that pumps your blood. The heart I'm talking about is a spiritual thing.

It is the invisible center of every person. Everyone has a heart, no exceptions.

But no one is born with a “sober” heart. Because a “sober” heart is a heart that gives itself entirely to a Loving “God.”

A “sober heart” is the only thing that enables a person to bear the frustrating and painful experiences of his or her life without getting mentally and physically sick. It's absolutely necessary equipment. Hearts just don't work well unless their sober. Anyone who doesn't have a “sober heart” is predisposed to addiction, and a whole slew of other problems, because they're not able to be with their pain in a healthy way.

CLIENT:    If no one is born with a “sober heart”, then how do you get one?”

THERAPIST:  Well, it's a gift.  It is a gift that usually, but not always, is given through our parents, the ones who cared for us from the beginning. In their relationship with us, as we start experiencing the frustrations and the pains of life, they transmit the sobriety of their own hearts to our hearts. It's kind of like a spiritual transfusion. And what happens, then, is that our hearts start to grow into sober hearts. It may sound funny, but it's true. It's actually how it works.

And from what you've already told me about your growing up, it sounds like, your mother and your father, even though they wanted to very badly, were not able to transmit that sobriety into your heart, because they didn't have sober hearts themselves.”

CLIENT:  So it's my parent's fault that my life is so messed up?

THERAPIST: I'm just saying that they couldn't possibly give you what they didn't have to give.  And, anyway, it's actually not our parents themselves who give us a sober heart. It is the Higher Power of a Loving God, working through them. But for that to happen, their own hearts need to be surrendered. So if our parents were not open to their own Higher Power, they just didn't have what it is that we needed them to transmit, to us. So they couldn't transmit it.

CLIENT:    So it's because they weren't religious enough?

THERAPIST: No. A person can be very religious but still not Have a sober heart. And a person can have no formal religion at all, but have a wonderfully sober heart.

Think of it this way:

• Every human being has a heart.

• And every human being has a Higher Power.

• But some of us have no real, conscious relationship with our Higher Power.

• • Even the idea of a Higher Power can be very frightening to some of us, and so surrendering our heart to a Higher Power – which is what makes our hearts become sober – is just unthinkable.

• • We might go to church, or to synagogue, or whatever, and say all the right words & go through all the motions, but inwardly, we can't offer our hearts to this God, because we just don't feel it's safe to do so.

• • When we're small, for better and for worse, our parents are the most important persons in our lives. They are like Higher Powers to us. And when we've been hurt by the important people in our lives – especially if there was violence of any kind – we learn that “higher powers” are not to be trusted. And so, we keep our guard up. We can't let it down. We can't surrender. It's too dangerous. And that means that we can't develop a sober heart.

CLIENT:   But my parents were never violent with me.

THERAPIST:   That's good. I'm glad. But from what you've  told me, they both lived very fearful lives. It sounds like no one ever helped them to develop the inner equipment that would have enabled them to bear the painful experiences of their lives without getting sick. No one ever helped them develop a sober heart. And so they just weren't able to help you develop one. I know you've said that your parents don't even drink or do drugs. But that's not the key issue either. The real cause of the disease of addiction, which you have, is the lack of a sober heart.

CLIENT: That sucks.

THERAPIST:   Indeed. And that's the way it is. You've been trying for years to fix your heart with alcohol and drugs, but it doesn't work. It only makes the disease get worse, until you end up in jail, in an institution, or dead. That little boy that you thought you had put to death years ago for being so needy. He's not dead. He's right here with us. You've been feeding him with drugs and alcohol and God knows what else, for all of these years. But that's not what he needs. He needs a sober heart. That's what he's always needed. But, until now, you've been way too afraid to let him ask for help, because you've been convinced that there is no one, and especially no Higher Power, that will ever give him the gift of love that he really needs. And I'm here to tell you that that's not true.

CLIENT: How long will it take to fix it?

THERAPIST:  There is no quick fix. You need to grow. And   growing takes time. You're going to feel a lot better in a few months. But the process of growing a more sober heart is never over, because God is never finished with us, so we never completely “arrive,” at least not in this life...

CLIENT: OK. Let's get started.

THERAPIST: OK. Let's get you settled in.

Summary: In the language of Churchland, the reason why why the spiritual pulse of many AA groups in the basements of churches are often stronger than those of parishioners upstairs is because more actual spiritual formation is often taking place in the basement.