carolla's picture

carolla

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The Art of Presence

I read this article in the New York Times on Sunday - op ed piece by David Brooks. Some very thoughtful reflection and tips on the ministry of journeying with those who are suffering - by being present with them. 

 

http://nyti.ms/1aFzdzh

 

I especially liked this summary - 

"I’d say that what these experiences call for is a sort of passive activism. We have a tendency, especially in an achievement-oriented culture, to want to solve problems and repair brokenness — to propose, plan, fix, interpret, explain and solve. But what seems to be needed here is the art of presence — to perform tasks without trying to control or alter the elemental situation."

 

Curious to know your thoughts ...  

 

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Arminius's picture

Arminius

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Some people want to know how they can alleviate their suffering, so I tell them how I think they could possibly alleviate it. Others just want a sympathetic ear, or a shoulder to cry on, and I offer those.

 

In my opinion, the only suffering is the suffering of the mind. Physical pain is a necessary part of our biological existence, and needs to be endured, but psychological suffering is self-inflicted, and therefore can be alleviated if one refrains from inflicting it. But I tell this only to those who want to hear it. Those who don't want to hear it resent this kind of advice bitterly, so they just have to suffer, and all I can do is comfort them with my presence.

 

The only sickness is the sickness of the mind.

-Lao Tsu

 

 

 

kaythecurler's picture

kaythecurler

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Sometimes one can't think of anything useful, helpful to say.  Those times are when your mere presence is needed.  There is such value in 'just sitting' alongside another.  Maybe later words will be said, meals served, laundry tended to - but later will be soon enough.  

carolla's picture

carolla

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That's a very zen buddhist orientation I think arminius - the two arrows story of the first arrow inflicting pain, the second arrow (self-inflicted and therefore optional) bringing suffering.   I agree - one must exercise great care and love in sharing that message. 

carolla's picture

carolla

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So true kay - often one can't bear the thought of not knowing & so avoids - I have had one big experience of that in my life, and I regret it to this day.    

 

In reading the 'comments' section of the opinion piece posting - it was interesting to hear someone describing the "shiva" of the Jewish faith - where activities are undertaken by others to surround the bereaved person with love and support.  It was also similarly commented about in military families in the US who have similar organized circles of support in the event of tragedy. 

 

carolla's picture

carolla

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For me, it's also important to realize that these practices extend beyond those experiencing a death or health event in their family - loss of employment, divorce, loss of a home, experience of assault - all thse (and certainly other events too) might also engender need of such support, although they are often not so present in these situations. 

Beloved's picture

Beloved

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Thanks for sharing that, carolla.

 

I liked the part about builders and firefighters (firefighters drop everything and arrive in a moment of crisis and builders are there for years and years - and very few are capable of filling both roles - and both are needed).

 

Out of fear of not knowing what to say and how to help, and wanting to say and do the right thing, things are sometimes said and done that don't offer any comfort or provide any help.  The intentions and motives are wonderful and loving, but just not appropriate.  (I think we can all think of some strange unhelpful things that were said to us in times of grief and loss).  I've come to the place now where I just simple say "sorry for your loss" or whatever the person is going through, and help where and as I can.

 

 

carolla's picture

carolla

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I found that illustration to be helpful too beloved - firefighters and builders.  I wonder if people are one or the other - or if in different situations we may take on the different roles?   It's often when the 'firefighting' is finished, that grief becomes most profoundly palpable - in those alone times when the dust has settled again. 

 

I also followed the link to the Sojourners blog by Catherine - this is a statement she wrote that resonates for me - 

"The goal of healing is not a papering-over of changes in an effort to preserve or present things as normal. It is to acknowledge and wear your new life — warts, wisdom, and all — with courage." 

That acknowlegement that life has changed us, and 'getting back to normal' will be very different than one might expect. 

Arminius's picture

Arminius

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carolla wrote:

That's a very zen buddhist orientation I think arminius - the two arrows story of the first arrow inflicting pain, the second arrow (self-inflicted and therefore optional) bringing suffering.   I agree - one must exercise great care and love in sharing that message. 

 

Yes, carolla, you got it! (The idea, not the second arrow :-)

RitaTG's picture

RitaTG

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I am enjoying this thread ....... thank you

Rita

carolla's picture

carolla

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hugs ritaTG - thanks for being present with us  :-) 

Pilgrims Progress's picture

Pilgrims Progress

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I'm experiencing this now....

A church friend's grandson committed suicide and she is understandably devastated.

 

My natural response is to rush in with loads of advice and support - because the truth is I find it difficult to cope with another's pain.

I want to wave a wand and make it better -NOW.

 

But, through my own losses in life I know that grief takes time -a lot of time - to process.

 

So, whilst she's on her grief journey, I will offer her the two things we have in common.

Lot's of hugs and walks by the sea.....

 

This is the right thing for me to do. I just hope I can resist my natural compulsion to give her advice, and both just listen or offer distraction  - whichever she requires at the moment.

 

SG's picture

SG

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People can need "presence". Yet, that someone can find themself surrounded by those who have advice, ideas, their own agenda... that can make matters worse not better. It can lead to someone in desperate need "going it alone".

carolla's picture

carolla

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Pilgrims - sorry to hear of your friend's loss - suicide is such a difficult thing for everyone.  I trust you will be guided to be a support to her.  I remember you telling us once of your experience with a 'bereavement walking group' which I thought was such a brilliant thing.

 

So true SG - to just be present, without 'firefighting' can be a great challenge for many - me included sometimes.  Several years ago, a friend of mine was struggling, almost in terminal phase of recurrent brain cancer.  I offered to come over & tend her garden, as it was beautiful springtime weather, and I love gardening, and would have appreciated that if I was in her position.  She accepted & off I went with all my tools, prepared for an afternoon of yardwork.  When I got there tho, she commented that what she really wanted was for us to just sit on the deck & visit - so that's what we did.  She died a few months later, and I fondly remember that sweet afternoon.  

RitaTG's picture

RitaTG

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If I may offer a thought.....

To me presence is the opening of one heart to be with another...

It is being there in a very presonal way that I feel is spiritual...

Hugs

Rita

Beloved's picture

Beloved

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Thank you for sharing that, RitaTG!

kaythecurler's picture

kaythecurler

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That is a good way of descibing presence Rita, thank you.  

SG's picture

SG

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Carolla, so glad you offered gardening. It may have invited the more.

Thanks for that, Rita.

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