I have a roommate now but, as an introvert, I quite enjoyed my time living alone. You get control over everything: TV, computer, phone, furniture arrangement, etc., etc., etc. I do recommend making sure you do something to get yourself out of the house each day. Otherwise, enjoy the quietness! Oh - and get yourself a good freezer. Cooking for one can be hard, so make meals in the same amounts that you used to do and freeze them.

Good about it:

Set your own schedule (when to get up, eat, go to bed)
Plan your own meals - have medium rare again, even though he insisted on well-done (dried out!) meat.
Read in bed - as late as you want to, in the middle of the night if you happen to be having a restless night.
Keep the house tidy - read the paper and put it in recycling, rather than on the coffee table in case he wasn't finished with it.
Control your own money
Make your own decisions
Come and go as the spirit moves you
No longer 'make nice' to his family and friends, but choose your own.
Be welcomed by other singles

Some of the down side:
Loneliness
A sense of having been abandoned
Nobody to share with
No one to appreciate your cooking, or other talents
Financial restraints - two incomes are more than one
No one to blame when things go wrong
Being dropped from couple events
No one to depend upon if you are hurt or sick or in trouble
No one who cares whether you come home or not

Some of these are trade-offs. There is less housework with only one person; but also just one person to do everything. Only you know which matters most - having to brew the coffee stronger than you like balanced against having someone across from you at the breakfast table.

Figure out what you can live with. How can you turn the negatives into positives? How do you compromise (accept that you won't be included in couples events but still phone a friend for shopping or get together when her husband is on a fishing trip)?

When does your son live with you?

Yeah it could be hard to make friends with married women. I found it hard to make friends a part of a couple. I plan to get a pet, so someone will care when I get home, and I'll have someone to love and take care of and talk to ; )  I have enjoyed staying up late lately, and eating late, and having Kraft Dinner!

I get my son back tonight! Yay!! ANd have him for the rest of the summer, ya hoo! I'll probably be ready for a break by September! After that we haven't worked it out yet, but of course I'll want to have him as often as is feasible. It's very hard being away from my boy, my reason to be.

Nice shoes by the way CH, they would be fun to wear. : )

I lived alone quite a bit even after we got married (jobs in different cities) until Little M arrived and living together became more of a necessity (not to mention that's when the job thing finally got sorted out). I'm enough of an introvert to enjoy being alone for long periods and I definitely miss it at times. There are times, though, when you definitely want other people around on a regular basis, not just when you're out socializing. Certain things are always going to be better with company, even something simple like watching a movie on the tube. Loneliness happens even to those of us who appreciate our own company. Hitting a balance between the need for my own time and being part of something larger isn't an art I've necessarily mastered yet.

Mendalla

Loneliness happens - but it can even happen in a house with a spouse or partner who ignors you, won't come to the table for meals with you, walks out of the room if you try to talk to him, stays up late when you go to bed, and doesn't get up when you do.   After her separation my daughter told me that if she had to be lonely, she might as well be on her own.  She felt as much alone living in the same house with her husband as she did on her own.  Her children and her cat kept her company, and still do.  Getting a pet is a good idea. 

I love living alone!

My house is always clean and everything is safe for me to eat (GF/DF) so no cross contamination worries.

It's quiet when I want and no bathroom line ups.

Both 1/2's of this couple are now spending time living alone (work related and not relationship related). It has good aspects to it and it has bad ones. There is a period of adjustment no matter the circumstances or reasons. Ours is positive and I am still not quite there yet as it has only been a month. Be gentle with yourself, Elanorgold.

My wife and I are living on different schedules due to our work. I'm awake 5:30am - 10pm. She's awake 11:30am - 4am. We're both introverts (ISFP / INFP) so we enjoy spending some time alone although we do miss each other. We do spend time together when either or both of us have the day off, and on Sunday for church.

Good point Seeler about loneliness with a spouse too, I also thought of that. It's a different sort of loneliness so far, but yes, it helps to remember that and compare the two. I guess itll take me some time to get used to. I'm glad to have my family back in the house now. Even the tiffs and stresses between people are almost a joy to me today, because they are part of the human thing, and present an oportunity to make things better, because family are always there for each other.

Thanks SG.

It's a big difference when you know your spouse will be around at some point. Hubby and I worked oposite shifts a few years ago, and hardly saw each other. That was because I didn't trust the daycares, so one of us always had to be home with the child. ANd when hubby was home, he'd be writting that damn book of his in the other room with the door closed! I got very lonely, so I wrote a lot of emails, and waited up for him on the couch, often falling asleep before he got in. He felt sorry for me.

I guess lonely is a part of life, sometimes a bigger part than at other times. ANd I found solace here when it got crushing. : )

"...I guess lonely is a part of life, sometimes a bigger part than at other times...."
Some might say it's the human condition - pessimists maybe.
I prefer "alone, yet not alone".

Aloneness does not necessarily mean loneliness. One can be alone yet content, or one can be with others yet lonely. Loneliness is an emotion in which one acutely and sadly feels the lack of intimacy of mind with another person or other people.

Posting on WonderCafe is being in touch with others in intimacy of mind.

Eleanorgold

You'll be fine...just "hunky dory" once you get used to your new single  life and changes.

I know your spiritual beliefs aren't conventional but  I like  the UC creed. Then too....perhaps the spirits are all around us...?....we just can't see them.....:)...really I haven't seen Sylvia Browne since years!

UC Creed:

We are not alone,
    we live in God's world.

In life, in death, in life beyond death,
    God is with us.

We are not alone.

 
    Thanks be to God.

Edit : Eleanorgold :

I just read your profile. Perhaps I should have changed the word "God" I used here to " the universe or  the cosmos" ....sorry about that.

The important thing when you're alone is to develop some interests that can get you out and about. Before I got married, I was involved in things that basically let me be in control of how much time I gave to them, which was good for me. As an introvert I liked that social outlet, but I also liked being in control of my time and having as much time as I wanted to spend with myself. Now, even married for 22 years, I still like time to myself. I've become a morning person. I'm usually up around 5 am or so - long before my wife or daughter. Sometimes I'll watch a movie. Interestingly enough, unlike Mendalla above, I prefer watching movies on my own. I'm a sports fan, and none of my family is, so sometimes I'll record a game the day before and put it on in the morning.

Somebody mentioned eating. That's the challenge as I recall. Making meals for one can be a challenge, and eating alone isn't a lot of fun. There were times I'd go out to a fast food place for dinner just to be around people. Strange. Even if you're alone, there's something comforting about eating around other people - and, food quality aside, fast food places are great when you need that sense of being around people. Nobody wants to go into a nice restuarant alone. That just feels weird.

We are not alone,
    we live in God's world.

In life, in death, in life beyond death,
    God is with us.

We are not alone.

 
    Thanks be to God.

Beautiful!

Hi Stardust:

I think Elanorgold is aware that, in the UCCan, the meaning of "God" is not fixed but left up to the individual to define, and can ideed mean "universe" or "cosmos."

One UCC minister once asked me "How do you define God?"

"I define God as the self-creative universe," I said.

"Not everyone defines God that way," was his reply.

Hi Arminius

"Self - creative universe'"  sounds about right,   pretty cool.

I substituted god for universe and while it fills in the majesty, and makes my troubles smaller, it does not make me feel less alone like the presence of another person, online or inperson, does. But thanks for the thought anyway.

Thanks RevSteven, Hmm, movies in the morning, that's an interesting idea. I used to get up in the morning adn go for a walk, to check out my surroundings and anything new I might need to know. This started while camping. I actually haven't done it since leavign my house. I sometimes did it there. I can imagine going out for dinner just to be around people. Or turning on the tv or radio just to hear another human voice. I also thought about going down the pub to be around people, maybe meet people there, who knows. Yes, I will have to get some interest groups... there's a couple things here I'm interested in doing. The more stuff one does, the more people one will meet. I really need to feel useful to others and share my views. There's lots to do here, partly why I chose it.

Looks like I will be moving out on my own pretty soon. I'll be hunting hard for a place over the next week.

One thing that does help, back to the god idea, is trusting in the weave of the universe, and in the concept of "meant to be". Just as a way to let my mind be calm and trusting, to take away some of the fear.

Well here I am living alone, and not hadling it very well. I have gone from one extreme: having my husband around too much, to the other, and I feel like a pillar of solitude. I have nightmares still, I get feeling sick to my stomach, I feel like all the people who love me are so far away, and I want to live in a village of huts, with my loved ones all around me, telling stories by the fire, and sleeping in groups.

It's hard to focus on my creative projects, like this evening... here I am instead of doing what I planned. I can only ask for so much help, until I need to fend for myself and weather the results of the choices I;ve made. A counsellor told me I grab the sword and plunge it deeper into my gut willfully. ANd why am I telling you all this? I guess that's pretty plain. My need for companionship is so constant, it's not appropriate, it's not reasonable, realistic or fair, it's probably psychotic. I ask too much. I wear my friends out. 

People don't seem to understand what I'm feeling. I'm not just ok like most people. When I go out with friends though, I AM ok, so they can't see it. It goes away sometimes. In fact I might have no need of this post in a couple hours time. But right now it's so important, I can't do anything else. 

I feel so pointless by myself. So meaningless. So un-needed. ANd the damn liquor store is closed on sunday nights.So I'm gonna watch some Star Trek now, they're like old friends. It's good just to hear their voices in the room.

SOrry about that depressing post.

is there a Walmart near you open?  ;)

I get a little stir-crazy sometimes when I'm by myself.  Sometimes getting out anywhere is helpful.  It's a little late for many places right now though.

Yeah, I might go down the pub some night, but not tonight. The Star Trek is helping, and a talk with Mom (oh dear, 39 and needs her mommy!) And tomorrow I go out couch hunting at 10:30, then for lunch with family friends. Eyes puffy from crying. Hopefully I'll snag some dates soon. I joined a dating site (blush, embarrassed) . I tweeked my profile there tonight, and that made me feel proactive. 

It's silly cause I've been out at work socializing all day, then an hour after getting home this dreadful lonliness sets in, as if I've been alone for a week! 

Maybe you need to find a new evening/night routine?

It's a big adjustment for you Elanorgold - grief takes its own time to heal ... be gentle with yourself.  Grow into your new situation and new routines - don't hurry on.  Dating may not be the solution you think it will be.  Hugs. 

Give yourself time.  I lived alone for a year (well, the kids were with me - but they were in their late teens and had lives of their own).  Sometimes I felt completely abandoned.  I relived the past - my mother leaving me when she died, and my father sinking into a depression so that he was there in body only.  I identify with your grief.  But gradually it will fade, only coming back rarely, for shorter periods, not as intense.  Life will have colour again.

Ahhhh, sending a hug. I think everyone has felt like this before, sometimes it feels like the whole world is busy with something to do and we're the only ones with nothing going on or no one to be with. It's different being alone in the house and being alone in the house with someone in the next room doing their own thing. I'm sure you remember the comfort of just knowing that someone was there. So it's definitely different.  I think you are really wise and insightful knowing enough to reach out here and to your Mom. It takes awhile to "grow into your own skin", set up strong social outlets that suit you and utilize the "alone time" to replenish yourself and just chill.

Explore your interests. Maybe there are some divorce groups in your area that would help you cope and talk through what youre going through? Some churches do this.

Book clubs?

Volunteer? Once a week? Local food banks always need help and you're sure to meet some great new friends.

Reconnect with old friends?

I'm thinking the trick is to have a "back up" plan prepared for those "so alone feeling moments" and sometimes just the fact that you have an alternative, relieves the pressure and anxiety.

After years of 24-7 kid care and work

I'm down to a 18 year old at home and he's often working afternoon evenings.

Eleanor-can you join an activity group? It's about curling season. Something to do with a variety of people.

Sure all the relationships there (or wherever) start superficial but friendships can deepen over time.

Thank you ladies. I know I need to join some groups of some kind.

I'm having problems with my Dad too. Reliving my parents divorce, and how awful Dad was that I needed to get away from him. He'd being like that again and I can;'t be around him. He disregards my feelings, tells me they don't matter.and he won;t listen to me, just like when I was 16.  

I'm currently playing One is the Loneliest Number over and over. Maybe 8 times now. 

I guess I kindof have the backup plan of asking Mom to come over. Here too. Just hearing form you all helps. 

Sounds wise to choose carefully the people with whom you spend time, communicate etc.  

Allow yourself to play it once or twice, or even three . . . but not eight .  The message it is giving you is sure to make you feel worse than you already do.

Find yourself another song that gives you a feeling of strength in yourself, and hope, and play it after "One . . . ".

This is a very difficult time for you . . . and it is also a time of finding yourself admist the hurt and pain.  I agree with those that said to seek others out,and  to seek out activities and ways to fill your time.  And may you also find what you need to feel safe and secure in being alone.

Book club at the library? Card making or scrap booking? quilting or sewing class or guild?

bowling? Yoga? a night at the gym (or pool if you have one.)

Glad to hear you know what to do. The next step is doing it!

I ended up playing One about 10 times, then I moved on other lines of thought, yes more cheerful stuff. Today the song of the day is Green Eyes by Helen O'Connel & Bob Eberly. I was actually singing it alone in the staff room (wonder if anyone heard me!)

Poor Dad. He's really trying, but he's got his own baggage to sort through. 

I felt pretty blue for much of monday. Then after lunch with mom's friends, and some hugs and good wishes, I watched four of my favourite shows at home while working on my Halloween costume and that made me feel much better. ALso heard back from husband and something about what he said made me feel better, (though that wouldn't have been his intention) ; )

Then last night I went to see Gravity with Mom and step dad. That was really fortuitous timing for me. I really empathised with Sandra's character in the film. The abyss, the painful and seemingly endless struggle, the fear, and isolation, not knowing which way is up. I so loved the ending. It was really inspiring.

Yes, I;ve been told to look up a thing called "meet up", online, where you can find interest groups to get together with. That sounds promising. There's so much to do in the city I really have a world of oportunity on my doorstep, and a city full of nice people out there to talk to.

I feel alright tonight. Playing my 40's tape. Gonna sew. "I know each word, because I've heard that song before, the lyric says forever more, forever more the memory.... Please have them play it again, and I'll remember just when I've heard that lovely song before!"

Elanorgold - a group that I started attending a few months ago arranges its' gatherings through meet up. I found out about it through a friend, however others have joined us through meet up. Ours is a non-denominational Christian group that meets weekly to discuss various topics at a local coffee shop. 

so I heard on CBC this morning that for the first time in Canada househiolds of one are the most common household.

You are not alone!

Not alone in being alone! Isn't that crazy, and we are a social animal. I think it is really sad our culture has gone that way, all tucked away in our individual cubicles. I mean it has it's pluses, I can watch whatever I want, listen to whatever, go to bed whenever, I don't have to share the computer or anything, but sometimes those interpersonal conflicts are worth the companionship other people provide. One needs to step away sometimes to appreciate people more. In the old pagan days a person would never live out on their own alone in a hut or a lean-to. People always took other people in. 

My husband thinks I'm being selfish and asking too much of my relatives. Thinks I should gain more independence! As if that's not what I've been doing and at great pains! And more so than him! 

Yes something like that would be good. I wonder if there's a think tank group of some sort, like a philosophical, real life, universe probing Wondercafe.... Must look into it, but today the priority is sewing. Also curious about the UU church, though I usually work sundays.

Ended up not sewing last night, emailing and phoning instead, but did manage to dye the lace I want to use.

In Australia in the last census (2011) the largest households were two people (34%) -followed by single households (24.3%)......

As to living on your own - a lot depends on your personality.

I should imagine it would be very difficult for those who dislike solitude and prefer constant company.

I have a friend that will ring me and say, "I'm feeling depressed." When I enquire why she will often say. "I'm here all by myself."

Now, even when happily married, I enjoyed those times when I had the apartment to myself.......

But, whatever our type, most of us prefer company some of the time.

Thus, if you're part of a couple, it's a good idea to spend some time apart (both with company and alone).

If, like Elanor and me, you live alone  - you have a responsibility to yourself to ensure that you have company for some of most days. (My Mum's advice when I was first widowed was "To make damn sure I mixed socially at least every second day."

As time has passed I now prefer company every day, but, after three hours, I'm happy to return to my single household -where I can do what I love best - reflecting on the day and folks I've met during the day.

As for company - I think it's a good idea to mix with folks who share either your interests or your situation.

(You would be amazed at how many widows that I've come to know!)

I can't help feeling that one of the problems for younger women is that childhood tales - like Cindarella - are tucked away in their psyche.

There are those that want to be part of a couple -and yet don't make much of an effort for it to happen. It's almost as if, deep down, they think Prince Charming will knock on their door and take them to the ball.

Take it from an old chook like me - you've more chance of turning into a pumpkin. ;-)

(I'm talking generally here, Elanor, for all I know you may be happy to spend some time  getting to know yourself better, before you take up with a man again).

I hope you are working on finding a new group to associate with.

I am unclear pas to what your timing with your son is? Does he live with you part time, weekends, never?

I enjoy my time alone but I realize it is because it is my choice. I would also suggest that you look into volunteering. Food vas, shelters, soup kitchens, schools....... All are in need of good volunteers

I have been taking the advice to get out every day, even if it's just to the grocery store, and to talk to someone every day. Yesterday I talked to two people, one on the phone, one on Skype. That was very helpful, and the person on Skype is a very dear lifelong girlfriend, like a sister to me, I love her dearly, and her support make a huge difference to me, especially seeing as I wasn't sure I was going to have it at first, then found out I unequivocally do. 

I have always liked to be at home alone for much of a day, puttering around doing my creative thing undisturbed, but then at some point in the evening, it feels like somebody should be getting home for me to talk to about what's been going on, but it doesn't happen, and I'm just kneeling on the floor next to my project, all by myself as dark falls and everything gets quiet, and there's nobody. 

I recentl;y read a very helpful quote from Dianna Ross: "You can't just sit there and wait for people to give you that golden dream. You've got to get out there and make it happen for yourself." Wise words. Very non-Cinderella. 

Lastpoint: I have my son on holidays and 4 long weekends this school year, two of which have already passed. I get him next for the fall break in November. I figure its a bit like having your child back from boarding school. All those Hogwarts kids live like that. I will work on finding groups soon. My costume's just about done. It is a little daunting too, but all this effort is for my betterment. And sometimes what's best hurts some, but it's a good hurt. 

Elanor, how many days is that is a year that you have your son. Why so few?

Just curious Elanorgold - what's your costume?  I hope you will consider posting a photo :-)    My daughter used to pour countless hours (and $$) into creating costumes - usually replicating something complex from one of her favourite movies.  We had fun together doing that - sourcing fabrics & trims, piecing together various unmatched sewing patterns, figuring out how to improvise when she couldn't find exactly what she wanted.  Mostly (!) pleasant memories for me! 

CH, it totals 97 days a year, but that's only until they move closer to where I am, then we will share custody equaly. I live too far away now. I wanted my son to remain in the house, and go to the same school. I decided I should be the one to move out as I initiated the separation, also I wanted to live here, and had already had to get a job, so that kindof made the decision for me. It was a very hard decision to make though obviously. But I would have a very hard time supporting myself where my son and husband live. I don't think I could do it. Not enough jobs. ALso, here I am near my Mom, and I need her support right now. It causes me great pain though, sickness, to be so far from my son. ALso, my son spent more time with my husband than me, before we split up, and I knew then if it had to be one or the other, it would be him, which made the decision all the harder to make. I kinda kidded myself into thinking I would have him at first. But he's a boy, and soon will be a teenage boy, growing into a man, and he needs his Dad just that little bit more than he needs Mommy at this age. 

I'm a ghost this year. It seems fitting.  Remember this avatar?

That's my movie character I based it on. I'm doing a Napoleonic updo, and a grey whispy dress, little white ballet slippers, and white & grey make up. It all cost me about $60. but I've wanted to do this for a great many years now.

Pic link:

http://www.imdb.com/media/rm1511687424/tt0095304

Elanorgold; Sorry to hear that you are feeling alone. Sorry to hear about the break up.

You are suffering from empty nest syndrome as well as the separation.

When I first gave up my foster kids I was relieved for the weekend. Then I missed them and found I had tonnes of time on my hands.

My parents used to live next door. So while I lived alone then I ate supper 5-7 times a week at my parents' house and saw them almost every day for coffee.

I haven't filled the hole in my life well yet. In 2010 I had hobbies 6 nights a week. Now I'm working 12 days on and 1 day off plus 4 evenings a week. Which us why you don't see me here often anymore.

So I have some idea of what you are going through. Tonight I'm home. I watched 3 hrs of tv and now I'm in the tub on wondercafe. I just changed from working 6 nights a week to 4 nights a week. I still have trouble filling the time.

I'm thinking of getting a room mate again. It was a little better. I suggest picking up a part time job in the evenings. Don't work 6 nights a week or 7 like me.

Rant away. I will listen.

Wow, that's a lot of working! ANd don't drop that electronic gadget in your tub! I don't think I could hack that much working. Though I do like being at my job. I don't just do it for the money, which is great. 

I've been having sunday dinners most weeks at my Mom's house, and seeing her maybe 3 times a week, talking pretty much every day or every other day. Going out with them tomorrow evening, I hope to whip up a new dress to wear.

Elanor, it sounds like you put your son's best interests first.  He remains in his home, his school, with his friends.  It must be hard for you though.  I hope that you are able to keep in touch often, to follow his progress at school, and to be involved in major decisions and health care.   And that you and your son are able to enjoy the time you are able to spend together.

/
It won't be easy.
/
My daughter made a similar decision. She was the one that decided to leave (her husband wouldn't agree to move out). She wanted her kids to have their home, school, friends, dog, sandbox and jungle-gym. However she was able to find a place in the same city, so she has joint custody. The kids spend time (five days one week, two days the next) with her, the rest with their father. And she is still much involved in their school work, dentist, dance classes. The kids complain when they have to spend much time at her place - they are bored, they want to have their friends over, they left a toy or game at dad's place, they need a drive back to their old neighbourhood to work with a friend on a school project - and the complaint "If you would just come home where you belong, everything would be ok, and we could be happy again." (No sense trying to remind them that no one was happy in that home for a long time before she left.)
/
But gradually they are coming around, making friends in the new neighbourhood, learning that they can have fun with Mom, remembering to plan their time and keep some things at each house. It will work out.
/
And it will work out for you too. Build a life for yourself and you will have more to offer to your son when you do see him.

Elanor;

My single friends work as much as I do. Its not uncommon.

Another thought I have for you to fill time is to take some educational classes. You now have the time to develop other interests and work on you. Whether that be art classes, the gym, crafts. Just try new things.

Serena - just an aside to say that it's great to hear you offering suggestions to others; I recall a time here when you were asking for ideas of what to do etc.  Sounds like some healing and growth for you. 

Yes Carolla. Time does heal the wounds. But it must be worked at.

The words to a song "sittin there in your easy chair aint never going to get u anywhere. Life is full of color...it aint all blue"

As Dr. Phil says. "Fake it til u make it". It was hard but I have moved on.

Some days I am still lonely. It does get better.