A restaurant in the U.S. has banned children from eating at its establishment. Though I have little problem with this (I would enjoy a night out without a kid in sight personally!) it’s the responses in comments and online forums that I find appalling.

When we expect kids to act like adults, we are putting unrealistic expectations on them.  They are kids. They are not adults. Why is this so hard for people? On an online thread recently there was the following comment:

 “When kids, particularly younger kids, behave badly in public it's pretty much always a parenting issue.  I don't blame the kids for the fact that the adults in their lives can be bothered to teach them what is appropriate and what is not and to enforce certain standards of behavior.”

There’s two things at issue here. One is the judgement towards the parents. Yes, there are really terrible parents out there. REALLY terrible ones. Without fail, there is a certain mall in Buffalo I go to regularly and every time I go there, inevitably I see at least two or three parents who are extremely verbally abusive and who hit or slap their kids. I don’t know if it’s the neon lights or the lack of air circulation, but this is REALLY BAD PARENTING. Period.  However just as inevitable is that I go to a grocery store, and I see a kid freaking out because they want out of the cart, or they want a certain brand of cereal, and I see Moms and Dads, that unmistakable look of sheer exhaustion creeping across their face, calmly and respectfully telling their kids that they cannot have cereal/chocolate bars/icecream/more apples and explaining to them that the way they are behaving is not acceptable, and as if on cue, by the next aisle the kid is screaming and writhing and if they’ve gotten out of the cart, clinging onto said product for dear life while rolling around on the floor in a puddle of yelling and tears.  This has far less to do with bad parenting and far more to do with a child whose brain is still developing unable to vocalise their distress the way an adult would and who is feeling unheard and attacked and who doesn’t yet have the vocabulary or the self-awareness to communicate what’s going on for them.

I was a kid with fairly severe behavioural problems. I spent a majority of my life meeting with school officials, counsellors, child psychologists, and behavioural specialists. I remember sitting in their offices hearing the same thing over and over and over again- my parents were bad parents and were doing something wrong.  Event at a young age my heart broke over and over for my parents. In moments of clarity I knew that not only was this untrue, but this was almost abusive towards them. My parents did everything and more. My parents were great parents, amazing even, of course with their own mistakes, but they’re people after all, but this was rarely seen by “professionals”.  The downfall of this parent-blamer of course is that an awful lot of time was spent parent-blaming instead of focussing on behaviour-modification skills for me.

Despite the fact that a majority of people at some point have their own children, and that there are kids everywhere, cause well you know, we all start as kids, we still don’t live in a child friendly environment but that’s not what I want to focus on. I’d rather look at examples of child-friendly culture that I’ve experienced as examples of what could be done:

Church. I went to a church recently where everyone met in a circle. In the middle of the circle there were toys, colouring books, and foam play mats. While everyone worshipped, the kids sat on the floor and played in the midst of it all. Parents could see and interact with their children, no one missed church by being stuck in the nursery taking care of kids, and the kids felt like they were a part of the worship service. When I preach, I have on occasion invited all the kids to come up to the riser and sit and colour during the service. It gives them a sense of belonging in the leadership roles of the church (the pulpit is no longer just for those in “power”). Other churches provide children’s programming not just in the winter, encouraging families to come to church year-round and also to engage in spiritual practices during the summer.

Conferences. I recently went to a conference that guaranteed childcare for the whole duration. It was well-staffed by non-parents, allowing parents to go to workshops and to network. The room was clean, there was vegan lunch and nut-free snacks. There were lots of age-appropriate toys and parents were invited to come and go as they pleased.

Roller Derby. It seems to be the norm at roller derby bouts to take one end of the rink and turn it into a child-friendly space. Recently my partner and I got to sit and enjoy the derby while our kids ran around behind our chairs in a mess of balloons, crayons, and balls.  It was the best date night ever!

Concerts and Festivals. Thanks to some parent friends of mine discovering Peltor© junior ear protection, many of us have been able to take our kids to places that we never could before. Punk shows, Pride festivals, Christian raves, street festivals, outside dance stages. I carried my son in an ergo carrier with his ear protection on and got to attend a number of events I never would have taken my kids to. As a breastfeeding Mom who was unable to leave my babies with a sitter, it meant that I was able to go out with friends and not feel as isolated.

Movies for Mommies. Several theatres in Toronto offer “Movies for Mommies” where they play child-friendly adult movies with lowered volumes, they are breastfeeding friendly and offer bottle warming services and give out free samples from baby companies. They also have a diaper changing station.

These are just a few examples of things that I have found helped make spaces child friendly. I would love to envision a world where there was more of this happening. I think that often kids are “badly behaved” in public simply because they are bored. We are expecting them to fit into situations that would be torment to the best behaved of adults. (Imagine a day where you were put in a car seat, then taken out and put in a capsule and pushed around a grocery store then told you couldn’t buy anything you wanted then you were taken out to a restaurant where you were told you had to sit still and you can’t make noise and then you have to come home and go to bed? I’d be rolling around screaming too.) Instead of parent-blaming, perhaps we could make a conscious effort to support the parents (and by extension the kids) around us? It doesn’t have to be hard. I have a friend who will volunteer to come out with parents of two or more young simply to wrangle toddlers when they run off so that we don’t have to interrupt breastfeeding or attempted nap-times. It’s a little thing to him; it’s immeasurably appreciated by us.  This same friend was a lifesaver for me when my youngest was an infant who was fairly inconsolable.  He would simply take the baby and rock him continually just to give me a few minutes to sit on the couch, by myself, not nursing, getting my frustration in check.  I truly believe that when parents feel supported and have a chance to get rested and have moments to themselves, no matter how brief, we are able to be better parents and our kids get to reap the benefits. Happy parents=happy kids=happy passer-by’s.  If you are looking for more examples of how to make child-friendly events, I would recommend the following online ‘zine: http://dontleaveyourfriendsbehind.blogspot.com/ Though aimed at anarchist events, it could be easily adapted for other conferences and even churches.