I suppose I need to write a new Blog. My feelings need space, remember?

Anyway. I do not care if anyone reads this, it'll just make me feel better writing it.

I have not been the same since the email my friend sent me. The truth is that I should have know, that one day something will happen, and I will have no way to make things better.

I know that my friend deserves to search for the happiness that has long eluded him. He deserves every bit of it.

I admire him greatly for the courage that he has shown over the years, for persevering for both of us when the time called for it.

From the sidelines, I observed as he ended friendships and endured disappointment after disappointment. I was always there for him, even though he never expected anything of me.

In my mind I liked to believe that our friendship was the best he'd ever had. For in my real life, I was plagued with depression and doubt. I had no strength to deal with the people in my daily life. Not even my twin sister. In fear of where I might end up, I kept it all to myself. Except from him.

In the end I emerged, renewed, because of one person and one person only. That person was my friend. My friend was my best friend. At the time, I thought he'd understand. I thought so, because he had literally saved my life.

Now, as I receive less and less messages from him, I grow numb and I have no idea why. I revealed to him exactly what he means to me. And I meant every single word. I dared say all this, because I had never experienced such a connection in my life, not even after I met him. 

I had my high school "crushes". Truth is, they were infatuating. Those crushes passed away within the blink of an eye. They paled in comparison to what I felt for him.

I ended a certain relationship, because I realized that this was not what and who I need in life.

I understand if my friend cannot accept the truth of the matter. Therefore now, he peruses another in the hopes of finding his true happiness. He searches for the answers that he, essentially, already knows.

He will always be my friend. But whenever he does find his happiness in someone else, I will not be able to face the truth. I cannot turn my back on him, but I cannot be the one who stands in the sidelines, and watches, as the one closest to my heart fades from my life.

All I wish is for him to be able to recognize what he already has, before looking the other way. He has always had my heart, whether we both realize it or not.

"This too shall pass"

Many things will pass, but my love for him may not.