I forgot how draining and time-consuming emotions are, especially when you man up and face 'em. The only chemicals I am 'on' nowadays are legal, God forbid, I go sans caffiene & nicotine. That's the day I lose it and turn into a nun. Then God would be my homeboy and there would be no worry about taking a chastity pledge because I would be a born-again virgin. Only with the amount of corruption I have endured I would be a tainted virgin. Who says you can't forgive yourself and others? I guarentee you will live longer if you can just stop blaming everyone else for a change. For awhile there, I thought I was perfect and that I could do no wrong. It was my way or no way. Then I grew up a bit and pretty soon I turned into a perfectionist, where I couldn't live up to my own made up expectations. Phase III of that development? Acceptance. I realize I am not perfect, but that is not what I strive for anymore. I seek progress. I am not as judgemental or cynical as I once was. You would not have liked me then. I could crush you with a single look. Now I don't feel the need to hurt people for my own gain. I just want to give back what was so freely given to me: Hope. Before I had no hope in hell of changing. I wanted to die at the bottom of a bottle with dry crusted blood under my nose. Because that was glamorous in my backwards grey-water fed mind. Because feeling nothing was better than being in my own skin. It took me along time to get comfortable saying, "I love you", to the stranger staring back at me in the mirror. So in the same effect, I do not expect YOU to change in one night, because that would be expecting too much from one single human being. I am sorry I cannot be there with you on your journey, but what I can offer, is my faith in YOU. Like a stubborn mule, I HAD TO WANT CHANGE, and likewise, YOU got to WANT it for YOU. No one else can make up your mind. Not even God himself can take over your will, unless of course, you let Him. And how on earth, did a stubborn fuck like me, give up my will? I guess I was just ready to accept the help & unconditional love that was always there. Today I know I am worth it. And so are YOU. The sooner YOU know it, the better.