somegirl
My grief journey
Posted on: 02/21/2010 22:34
After a pretty good couple of weeks, today I just feel completely overwhelmed. I did a bunch of things over the past two weeks to try to help myself and keep myself from isolating and now I feel incredibly guilty. I went out with a friend for dinner last weekend and I went for a walk with another friend of Friday. I haven't been out with a friend outside of work or school in years. I joined a learn to run for smokers group and had a great time training with them and now I feel like crap.
Also my brother brought over a box of stuff from my mom's apartment when they were clearing it out. It included a little box of letters. Most of them were from me, so my brother decided I should have it. One of the letters included was from my father to my mother shortly after their divorce. Even thinking about it now makes me cry.
I have no patience at work and there just seems to be so much shit hitting the fan right now. The CPP people appear to have lost my application for the death benifit for my mother. People seem to be losing patience with me too. I was so strong from the get-go but now I feel like I'm falling completely apart. I guess I set a dangerous precident by being strong and now it feels like no one will cut me any slack. That's one of the reasons I started this blog. No one wants to hear about it anymore, and here people can choose to read or not.
It feels like I'm just now coming to terms with the fact that my mom is just not in the world anymore. She won't ever be in her apartment anymore, she won't go for walks with me anymore, she won't be on the other end of the phone (I know because I dialed her number by mistake yesterday when I was trying to call someone else). She won't be at my son's concerts.
I've read and heard from some people that they can sometimes feel the presence of the love one that they lost. I wish with every fiber of my being that I could feel that. All I feel is a big hole. There is so much going on in my life right now that I want to talk to her about. I know that she would be proud of me for joining the running group, especially since she was the one who told me about it when they ran one last year. She would have been a person that I could vent to about the crap going on at work. She would have helped my sort through whether or not it is time to start looking for another job.
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ninjafaery
Posted on: 02/23/2010 00:54
I wasn't able to find this song on the 'net, but it's one I listened to alot after my mother died. It both comforted me and put me away...
I want to hear about it, Somegirl.
After awhile, you will internalize your mom. Not the same as "feeling her presence" but knowing she's in your dna and deeply knowing what she would say or do in a given situation. She will continue within you that way. You won't stop having a relationship with her, ever.
My heart aches for you. It's so hard.
crazyheart
Posted on: 02/26/2010 13:02
Ah, Somegirl, I am only a wondermail away.
wrdwryter
Posted on: 03/04/2010 13:21
I was just passing through and read your blog. It sounds like you are getting to the stage of grieving that is one of the most difficult. I remember going through it and thinking I would never be able to cope. After the busyiness of the funeral everyone else gets back to a normal life. You on the other hand are just beginning to realize your loss. Grieving is not a straight line. It is often like a labyrinth because you are constantly going backwards and forwards. Things may seem fine for a while and then everything falls apart. There is anger, distractedness, lack of focus and to top it off, government, banks, insurance companies etc. You either want to scream and howl at everyone or curl up in a little ball. And the person you most want to talk to is no longer there.
There is hope. You will get through this. You have to be patient most of all with yourself. If you had been injured physically, you would have a cast or a bandaid, or bruises. You have been wounded by your mother's death. It may not show on your outside but in your heart, your mind and your soul, it hurts! Like any wound, it will take time to heal and it may leave a scar. I think writing about it in your blog is a good way to begin the healing. If you need to, talk to someone about it. The physical exercise is good too especially in the group you have joined. This is something everyone goes through. Each of us travels through our grieving differently but if we are there for each other, we don't have to feel alone. Take care.
somegirl
Posted on: 03/07/2010 22:13
wrydwryter, what you wrote is exactly what I feel like. Thanks for the poem (lyrics?) Ninja, and the support crazyheart.
I'm not an emotional person, I've been spending my whole life keeping my emotions and feelings in check and this is just so incredible hard for me. I feel like I need absolute privacy to cry and after I get through the day, get my husband off to work and get my son to bed, it is my bedtime. There is no time for me to cry and be upset and I am suffering for it. My TMJ is so bad I can't even wear my bite plate because my teeth hurt so much, and I can't eat. I know that if I could just express my feelings the problems with my body would settle down. Then I get mad at my family because I just want them to give me some space and some time, but how do I ask them for that when they want to help and support me.
I have some pictures that I'm going to go through tonight to help me cry. Ninja, reading your post helped to get me started. I started reading it the other day but I just couldn't. I think about the places that she will never be again, and the things that we will never do again. I worry that she would be sad if she could see me so upset. I'm glad that I have this place to vent my feelings.
somegirl
Posted on: 03/27/2010 19:00
The weekends are so hard right now. During the week, I'm super busy but Friday's just bring me down and the weekend is miserable. It's been just over 3 months since my mother died and it feels so new and hard. On Friday I got back from my break early and thought that I should call my mom.
Music doesn't seem to help at all and things that normally might uspet me a bit and then I'd move on are causing me accute distress and I can't sleep, I don't want to eat. I started a journal today that is letters to my mom.
I'm so full of questions. Does she still exist in some form? If so: Is she happy? Is she still aware of me? Does she still care? Is she proud of me, or does she see that I'm a total screw up?
carolla
Posted on: 04/02/2010 22:55
Hi somegirl - read your post about Good Friday stuff ... it's hard to be engulfed with grief ... been there myself. I hope you will have patience and gentleness for yourself, as you journey onward.
You asked - Does your mom still exist in some form? Definitely in your memory - and she always will - that is a certainty. . Is she proud of you ... I would definitely think so. So be proud of yourself too ... be well, be human. C.