I often wonder what I will do when my mom becomes too old to take care of herself. She doesn''t have anyone else, but I COULD NOT BEAR to live with her. Am I a horrible person?
I don''t think you''re horrible. I feel the same way. On some level you have to do what works for YOU as well. There is definitely a lot of guilt though, don''t you think?
medo
Posted on: 11/06/2006 18:21
Especially coming from an Asian background, where you are expected to live with, and take care of, aging parents - it can be quite a guilt trip! I''m not sure what I will do. Probably put is aside and deal with it when the time comes.
emelgy
Posted on: 11/07/2006 09:30
Probably the best thing you could do right now, medo (rather than "putting it aside") is to enjoy your relationship with your mother in the present. There are many resources out there for healing past hurts and reaching out in healthier ways to family members. Even if you can''t stand being with your mother, you can send her loving-kindness with your thoughts, and in time this alone would transform your relationship.
Then when the time comes when you have to make difficult decisions about where your mother should live, the two of you will already have a strong relationship framework within which to make those decisions.
PrazGod
Posted on: 11/07/2006 22:50
I have already been through this. It is very painful watching someone you love suffer through illness while aging. For me, it was a question of thinking that I did not want any regrets after that person had returned to the Lord. I aimed to do everything I could possibly do to help at the time,but recognized my own limitations. For example, caregivers must have support. Community Care Access Centres helped tremendously, with coordinating nursing care and other needs. A caregiver cannot take care of a loved one on her own. It's too much, especially if the parent has alzheimers, dementia, is in a wheelchair/has disability. Its a strength to be able to ask for help. In the end, a nursing home may be the best of all options, especially if you are a sole caregiver. As for nursing homes, do not be fooled by the appearances. Come by when they are feeding residents. Notice how many volunteers or family are there to feed residents. Ask a lot of questions. How does the nursing home take care of spiritual needs?
mammas
Posted on: 11/07/2006 23:29
Keep those lines of communication open between parents and children. Talk lots now and then as time goes on, decisions just seem to happen the way they should. God's plan for my Dad's life does not necessarily require my approval or even my participation. There are so many options for him to choose from that I am not just yet moving him in with me. (Even if I do in my nightmares:)
medo
Posted on: 11/08/2006 16:18
Thanks for all the replies! I am currently trying to rebuild a relationship with my mom. It's not easy, but everytime I see her now it's less and less of an ordeal.
Hopefully, when the time comes and this issue arises, we will both be in a better mind set to deal with it. Honestly, she probably couldn't stand to live with me either!!!
Loulou
Posted on: 11/10/2006 21:43
Good wisdom being shared here. For those of us in the 30-45 demographic, aging parents is a reality we need to deal with. My parents had the experience of caring for a granny in their home, and after that experience told us kids not ever to consider having them come live with us when they got to old to care for themselves. So, that decision is made for us. However, as they age, they need more and more of our time while they're still on their own. We can get torn between our kids' demands on our time and our parents' demands on our time. Torn, partly because of their expectations and partly because we love them dearly.
stardust
Posted on: 11/12/2006 18:28
Medo......Good for You!
I was thinking along the same lines as emelgy. I quote:
'Even if you can't stand being with your mother, you can send her loving-kindness with your thoughts, and in time this alone would transform your relationship.'
Our thoughts are very very important. What we think about all day and how we think translates into our daily lives and into action. You can choose to think positively or negative. By thinking positively and giving all the love you can.....you might be surprised at how well things can turn out.
Love, Light, and Peace!
killer_rabbit79
Posted on: 11/13/2006 21:46
My parents plan to move to Italy when they retire so I won't have any problems with the whole living with them thing. You should try to get your parents to move to a different country. Florida is very popular with the elderly.
jw
Posted on: 11/16/2006 09:00
My mother and my wife's mother are both 75. Both are dating ... rather heavily so. We find it amusing. They're happy and busy.
medo
Posted on: 11/17/2006 07:33
jw - i'm glad they're both dating!!!! It's good to hear they haven't lost their
joie de vivre! I hope I'm like that when I'm 75! My mother, unfortunately has some trust issues so she doesn't really have any friends, or much of a support network.
Sometimes I feel guilty for not being around enough, but I can't be there all the time. If she doesn't want to make friends, then what can I do?
Blessings
Posted on: 01/14/2007 19:03
Dear Medo ... Praise God & Jesus for the gift of your loving mother .... and, I give
my thanks for you Medo ... for your care and concern regarding your mom. Our
mothers want the best for us .... your mother wants the best for you to Medo ...
don't worry dear ... we seniors ... being mothers understand how you feel dear ..
we were your age at one time also ... God bless you for your love and caring ..
all will be well ... with you and your mother ... for in our loving GOD & JESUS
we will find guidance, comfort and calmness through these transitions ...
keeping our faith ... keeping our focus through these times ... when we here
that "still small voice ... within" speaking directly to our hearts .... mother and
daughter will rejoice. PRAISE GOD! PRAISE JESUS! Amen.
Love in JESUS,
Blessings
lastpointe
Posted on: 02/06/2007 12:49
Hi Medo
My dad died when he was 80. My parents were still lilving in their home and doing ok. My mom became quickly lonely and my siblings and i realised she ws quite confused ( my dad had successfully hidden it )
We hired a companion 4 days a week as none of us had homes she could move into ( needed a main floor bedroom) Eventually we moved her into a seniors residence.
She gets meals, laundry, meds and supervision. They have tons of activities for her to do.
She is still confused and we have a fabulous system. My eldest sister gives her a weekly sheet that lists everything she should do. What is planned each day at her residence, appointments she has andwho will pick her up, who to call at night to chat and the phone number ( she wasn't making any calls and now has a steady long distance bill)
Each morning I call her long distance to say good morning, make sure she is up, and check with her what she has planned for the day. I love doing it, she gets oriented to start her day.
Good luck with your parents. Planning and team work with siblings are the key.
dirtride
Posted on: 02/12/2008 22:56
My parents are 70 and 61. They are both still working and are happy doing so. My grandmother will be 93 in May. She is in a carehome. I haven't talked to my mom and dad about their wishes but I should, I know. I read an interesting article this past weekend about a family who is building a new home with room for her parents and their own family. I think this is a great idea. When I look at our carehome, I see a place that was built on the outskirts of town. All the residents get to see is the highway. How stimulating is that? I think that we need to get back to connecting with our elders and learning from them - not shutting them away. Sure, I visit my grandmother often but I just don't think a carehome is the answer. Unfortunately, in the small town where I live, there isn't much choice as to caregiving. We are sadly losing that intergenerational bond that I believe is so important - more so in this crazy, fast-paced world. We need to realize that someday, we shall be in the same spot. How would you feel being put in one of these places?
Comments
pog
Posted on: 11/06/2006 17:37
I don''t think you''re horrible. I feel the same way. On some level you have to do what works for YOU as well. There is definitely a lot of guilt though, don''t you think?
medo
Posted on: 11/06/2006 18:21
Especially coming from an Asian background, where you are expected to live with, and take care of, aging parents - it can be quite a guilt trip! I''m not sure what I will do. Probably put is aside and deal with it when the time comes.
emelgy
Posted on: 11/07/2006 09:30
Probably the best thing you could do right now, medo (rather than "putting it aside") is to enjoy your relationship with your mother in the present. There are many resources out there for healing past hurts and reaching out in healthier ways to family members. Even if you can''t stand being with your mother, you can send her loving-kindness with your thoughts, and in time this alone would transform your relationship.
Then when the time comes when you have to make difficult decisions about where your mother should live, the two of you will already have a strong relationship framework within which to make those decisions.
PrazGod
Posted on: 11/07/2006 22:50
I have already been through this. It is very painful watching someone you love suffer through illness while aging. For me, it was a question of thinking that I did not want any regrets after that person had returned to the Lord. I aimed to do everything I could possibly do to help at the time,but recognized my own limitations. For example, caregivers must have support. Community Care Access Centres helped tremendously, with coordinating nursing care and other needs. A caregiver cannot take care of a loved one on her own. It's too much, especially if the parent has alzheimers, dementia, is in a wheelchair/has disability. Its a strength to be able to ask for help. In the end, a nursing home may be the best of all options, especially if you are a sole caregiver. As for nursing homes, do not be fooled by the appearances. Come by when they are feeding residents. Notice how many volunteers or family are there to feed residents. Ask a lot of questions. How does the nursing home take care of spiritual needs?
mammas
Posted on: 11/07/2006 23:29
Keep those lines of communication open between parents and children. Talk lots now and then as time goes on, decisions just seem to happen the way they should. God's plan for my Dad's life does not necessarily require my approval or even my participation. There are so many options for him to choose from that I am not just yet moving him in with me. (Even if I do in my nightmares:)
medo
Posted on: 11/08/2006 16:18
Thanks for all the replies! I am currently trying to rebuild a relationship with my mom. It's not easy, but everytime I see her now it's less and less of an ordeal.
Hopefully, when the time comes and this issue arises, we will both be in a better mind set to deal with it. Honestly, she probably couldn't stand to live with me either!!!
Loulou
Posted on: 11/10/2006 21:43
Good wisdom being shared here. For those of us in the 30-45 demographic, aging parents is a reality we need to deal with. My parents had the experience of caring for a granny in their home, and after that experience told us kids not ever to consider having them come live with us when they got to old to care for themselves. So, that decision is made for us. However, as they age, they need more and more of our time while they're still on their own. We can get torn between our kids' demands on our time and our parents' demands on our time. Torn, partly because of their expectations and partly because we love them dearly.
stardust
Posted on: 11/12/2006 18:28
Medo......Good for You!
I was thinking along the same lines as emelgy. I quote:
'Even if you can't stand being with your mother, you can send her loving-kindness with your thoughts, and in time this alone would transform your relationship.'
Our thoughts are very very important. What we think about all day and how we think translates into our daily lives and into action. You can choose to think positively or negative. By thinking positively and giving all the love you can.....you might be surprised at how well things can turn out.
Love, Light, and Peace!
killer_rabbit79
Posted on: 11/13/2006 21:46
My parents plan to move to Italy when they retire so I won't have any problems with the whole living with them thing. You should try to get your parents to move to a different country. Florida is very popular with the elderly.
jw
Posted on: 11/16/2006 09:00
My mother and my wife's mother are both 75. Both are dating ... rather heavily so. We find it amusing. They're happy and busy.
medo
Posted on: 11/17/2006 07:33
jw - i'm glad they're both dating!!!! It's good to hear they haven't lost their
joie de vivre! I hope I'm like that when I'm 75! My mother, unfortunately has some trust issues so she doesn't really have any friends, or much of a support network.
Sometimes I feel guilty for not being around enough, but I can't be there all the time. If she doesn't want to make friends, then what can I do?
Blessings
Posted on: 01/14/2007 19:03
Dear Medo ... Praise God & Jesus for the gift of your loving mother .... and, I give
my thanks for you Medo ... for your care and concern regarding your mom. Our
mothers want the best for us .... your mother wants the best for you to Medo ...
don't worry dear ... we seniors ... being mothers understand how you feel dear ..
we were your age at one time also ... God bless you for your love and caring ..
all will be well ... with you and your mother ... for in our loving GOD & JESUS
we will find guidance, comfort and calmness through these transitions ...
keeping our faith ... keeping our focus through these times ... when we here
that "still small voice ... within" speaking directly to our hearts .... mother and
daughter will rejoice. PRAISE GOD! PRAISE JESUS! Amen.
Love in JESUS,
Blessings
lastpointe
Posted on: 02/06/2007 12:49
Hi Medo
My dad died when he was 80. My parents were still lilving in their home and doing ok. My mom became quickly lonely and my siblings and i realised she ws quite confused ( my dad had successfully hidden it )
We hired a companion 4 days a week as none of us had homes she could move into ( needed a main floor bedroom) Eventually we moved her into a seniors residence.
She gets meals, laundry, meds and supervision. They have tons of activities for her to do.
She is still confused and we have a fabulous system. My eldest sister gives her a weekly sheet that lists everything she should do. What is planned each day at her residence, appointments she has andwho will pick her up, who to call at night to chat and the phone number ( she wasn't making any calls and now has a steady long distance bill)
Each morning I call her long distance to say good morning, make sure she is up, and check with her what she has planned for the day. I love doing it, she gets oriented to start her day.
Good luck with your parents. Planning and team work with siblings are the key.
dirtride
Posted on: 02/12/2008 22:56
My parents are 70 and 61. They are both still working and are happy doing so. My grandmother will be 93 in May. She is in a carehome. I haven't talked to my mom and dad about their wishes but I should, I know. I read an interesting article this past weekend about a family who is building a new home with room for her parents and their own family. I think this is a great idea. When I look at our carehome, I see a place that was built on the outskirts of town. All the residents get to see is the highway. How stimulating is that? I think that we need to get back to connecting with our elders and learning from them - not shutting them away. Sure, I visit my grandmother often but I just don't think a carehome is the answer. Unfortunately, in the small town where I live, there isn't much choice as to caregiving. We are sadly losing that intergenerational bond that I believe is so important - more so in this crazy, fast-paced world. We need to realize that someday, we shall be in the same spot. How would you feel being put in one of these places?