My sympathies Alex. Life seems particularly unfair when someone younger than us dies.

May you remember the times you shared!

Words fail but here's a hug!

Alex - I am sorry to hear of this tragedy. It is always hard to make sense of the death of a young person - and particularly hard when the death is a sudden one. I hope that even if you can't get to the funeral tomorrow, that you will be able to take some time to do something in memory of him. Perhaps, there might be a memorial service in your city for him at a later date?

Alex, I'm sorry to hear this.  Sometimes life sucks.   This seems to be one of those times. 

Alex, I'm so sorry to hear of the death of your friend Martin.  Life takes unexpected turns sometimes, that much I know for sure. 

As he made you smile in life, I'm hoping you will still smile when thinking of your time with him.   It's hard to lose someone with whom you've shared those long conversations.  My thoughts are with you.

Alex, I am so sorry to hear that someone you cared about, someone so young has died. Weep as you grieve, smile as you fondly remember your conversations with Martin and the time you spent together. It really does seem unfair. I'll be holding you in my thoughts Alex.

Our boss from the bookstore just got back to me.  What I feared the most was true. He committed suicide. They will be holding some kind of service at school at the beginning of next semester.

 I am feeling so very sad.

I do not know why I feel (since I do not believe  it) that suicide is a worse way to die than any other.

Perhaps because it means the person died alone, and felt he was unloved, or unlovable, or that there is no purpose in life. Perhaps unlike  other illnesses or accidents, I had a role to play in making the people believe what I believe. That life is precious, that all people have a purpose, and that we are all loveable, no matter what.

Basically it's what I learned in a United Church Sunday school, because the message I received elsewhere in the world was very different. (coming from the perspective of a gay kid with autism growing up in the seventies.)

I'm sorry to hear this Alex, both for you and in general. Sometimes great sadnesses touch our lives. I would do something for his memory, to express your appreciation of him as a person. A little ritual helps us heal I think. I'm sorry you couldn't attend the funeral.

I missed your last post Alex, I think we do tend to feel that way, that there might have been something we could have done, but I'm sure you were a positive influence in his life as it was, and we can't go down that path of feeling guilty. I imagine other people closer to him are feeling that much worse. Try to think of the good you did do for him, the talks you had, the pleasant company. Maybe send his parents a card expressing your sympathy and saying something about what a special guy and friend he was to you. Again, I'm sorry. Sharing a tear with you. (((((Hug)))))

And then

And then

And then

And then

Alex,

We can often feel what we do not believe. One can feel afraid even when we do not really believe there is a monster outside. It is a feeling and feelings are not facts. It is an emotion, a sensitivity, a reaction.... regarding a fact.

We all know that there are worse ways to die, but empathy and putting yourself "there" in Martin's place triggers that alone, unloved, without purpose... just desperate...

Those thoughts and the emotion connected with them feels so horrible.

We may not know what it feels like to be riddled with cancer or to be hit by a car, we may not be able to even imagine it.

We can, and most often do, know what alone feels like or unloved feels like, what desperation feels like. We magnify what we know by 10X or 100X or 1000X... whatever we think it takes to think there is no other option.... Nothing can seem worse.

You also struck on one of the items that makes suicide so devastating, that unlike an illness where we know we are not a doctor... we do feel we should have been able to do something. We wrestle feeling helpless....

Love, friendship, often cannot stop the hurting. Most who commit suicide do not want to die, they want to stop the hurting. Love, friendship, cannot stop depression. It cannot always make grief go away. It cannot always provide that degree of hope. It often cannot even make someone feel worthy or feel self-love.

It is obvious you cared about Martin. Take it easy on yourself, Alex.

Peace,

SG

Sorry to hear this Alex.  Hopefully you can find your own way to honour him, since you were unable to make it to the funeral.

Sorry to hear about the loss of your friend, Alex.  Extending caring thoughts to you and all those who are mourning his loss, dealing with their grief, and living with their questions and thoughts as to his  suicide.

Alex - I agree, somehow it seems to hurt more when it is death by suicide. Sometimes people mask their feelings so well that it is impossible for others to tell how depressed they really are. Please be gentle with yourself. I hope you are able to find a way to honour Martin and your memories of him.

Thanks everyone for the kind words and support. I am still in the stage of going through dozens of different feelings. Mostly sadness dominates now but my anger is also rising.

However I am still without words.

Thanks

Alex - both your sadness and your anger are normal feelings.  It is good that you can admit them and express them.  I don't know the words to say at a time like this, but if I could I would sit silently beside you and share your pain. 

Oh wow Alex, it sounds like you two were such really good friends. I cannot begin to imagine losing a friend like that. You are blessed to have shared your life with this person, I can really tell. My prayers are with you and with his family.

I can't get the imbed to work for me for some strange reason so heres the link Alex.

This is one of my favourite songs it touches on so many levels.

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