For a bit of pocket money I decided to play medical guinea pig for a study on breathing and lung capacity and stuff.

A young resident weighed and measured then interviewed me then began to run me through some of the baseline tests. 

Then he went back to the interview notes. He asked me again about my smoking history. I'm thinking… "he seems worried, can this mean something?"

When did you start smoking? — about 1960. So you were 14 — something like that.

And you stopped? — 2000, pretty much.

About 40 years? — something like that. And the odd "social" smoke since then. 

He went away and got on the phione, I could hear him muttering. 

He came back with a long face — Sorry but we can't use you.

What's wrong?

— You shouldn't have the lung strength and capacity you have.

What do you mean?

— You don't meet our criteria. Your breathing capacity is above what it should be. It's outside our study parameters.

He said I'd get a cheque for $25 for my time.

So much for my career as a lab rat.

At 65, it seems I'm TOTALLY unemployable.