At least most of us are all in this feeling together!

I think I cheered a friend up a bit when she felt she was behind in certain aspects, as she was ahead in others.

I can add one from the older (i.e. middle-aged) world:

• Colleagues your age are empty nesters and you're wrestling with being the parent of a teenager. 

I think there's always going to be a sense of being either ahead of or behind the pack. It's part of the whole business of trying to live up to society's expectations or something like that. Setting your own goals based on your own needs and expectations and focussing on meeting those goals rather than those being shoved at you by society is probably part of it. That's easier for some than others, though.

This is also part of it - looking at the big picture instead of one or two areas. Most likely, if they look at it this this way, most people are at the median or mean of their generation (statisticians can figure our which one is the right one to use), ahead in some areas, behind in some areas, and bang on in most areas.

Mendalla

lol You mean there's no end to this Mendalla?

I guess once you reach a certain age, being behind can be seen as a good thing :)

#1, 5 and 7 ring a bell for us at different times of our life together. We've been up and we've been down, using these criteria. A couple of years ago, we were both working, making good money, had a new house with a very manageable mortgage, were putting money away for retirement and the kids' education, and then last year happened and everything got put into perspective.

The cars don't matter. They're status symbols that get you from point A to point B. I was eyeing an Audi a little over a year ago. WTF was I thinking?

The most important thing, and the thing I have to constantly remind myself, is to keep working toward a goal. If you're doing that, then your progress, or lack thereof, should not be a deterrent. I lost sight of goals these last few years. I was on autopilot for about the last 5. I have a nasty habit of relying on being clever instead of working hard. Now I'm almost 41, and looking at a career change and an uncertain future. But two thing I know for certain - the status symbols don't affect me any more, and the "normal" timelines don't affect me any more. I have some goal setting to do, and a work ethic to rediscover. If you have those, you can do anything.

When I was 30 I experienced most of that list and was in a funk for some time. Somewhere along the line I came out of the fog and learned to appreciate what I did have. I have never been interested in status symbols or accumulating gobs of money. Now that I'm 56, I'm wondering if that was wise as I see my peers retire. Frankly I would not want to retire now anyway. I have been working for a new employer and have been getting reminded why I chose this profession. I'm cool with working for awhile now. I'm glad of having benefits though.... :)

I am talking less about status symbols and more just about moving forward, although some of the things in the list cover a bit of both.

It's not something that surprised me to hear from friends in grad school.  It was when people who did typical schooling where feeling the same way I was surprised.  At least I'm surrounded by people where it's obvious they aren't on typical timelines.  The wedding age for quite of my friends has just started.  I'm reliving it twice, there was the group who got married about 5 years ago, I've lost touch with most of them.  Babies are just starting, whereas friends of friends or the friends I lost touch with are now on #2 or #3.

Chansen thanks, your post really struck a chord with me.  I just realized quite a few similarities that I never really noticed before.  Any advice you'd give to yourself about 10 years ago?

Northwind, I can't imagine retiring at 55.  I know my parents' friends aren't, although many of the women stayed at home.  The men are slowly retiring when they hit about 60 and then they work as contractors.

I can relate to most of it. Was only 4 years into a career before it kind of fell apart and started making less sense to be in. Because I never got into it for the money- but my ideals didn't match the reakity. The money became the only incentive it offered (not high but better than I had been used to)- very little to no job satisfaction, feeling unsupported to do my job properly- and I was miserable and overstressed and impacted my health- and that wasn't worth it for the money.

So, my priority now is to make enough to get by okay and modify my lifestyle to what's important to me- not to what others think should be important to me- and to surround myself with people who are not materialistic- who can enjoy life on a budget because it's about quality not quantity. We don't have kids so that makes it a little easier. Just wasn't meant to happen for us.

We will have to think about retiring in 25 years or so and how we'll manage. That scares me a bit- but one day at a time.

I remember years ago being surprised when I heard that a young man in my circle was eengaged and would be married in a few months.  I hadn't even been aware that he was seriously dating anybody special.  I had an opportunity to ask him about it, and he explained.  'I'm 25.  Most of my friends are married.  I figured it was about time."  Boy am I glad I wasn't at all romantically interested in him.  I hate to be the onee he picked to marry because it was the thing to do at his age.  I moved and lost touch with him shortly after, so I never learned how the marriage turned out. 

Yup.

Actually, that one I'm good for, but...

Close. I'm not technically allowed to have kids yet, even though I just turned 30 last September. The reasons are mostly medical.

My husband just graduated with a PhD in Inorganic Chemistry last summer. He's still unemployed, looking at both working in the industry or going back and doing postdoctorate work... but there seems to be nothing out there. Meanwhile, a good friend of mine got her funding renewed to continue researching at the internationally-renowned Salk Institute.  I feel for him.

See above. Also, I have guilt that he is looking for a job only in the nearby area so we won't have to move and I won't have to leave my job.

I do think that there's a certain amount of it that has always been a part of being 18-35... but my husband is 35 right now. We're still going to be experiencing these things a year or two from now, as we're definitely not having kids for at least another year or two, and we have no money to put into a house (or hell, savings plan) until he becomes employed.

I also believe some of these challenges come from, as you put it, a delaying of adulthood. But my take on that is that the world we live in is not really all that supportive of earlier adulthood. Add the present economy to that, and the generational ideology, and you have a group of nearly-adults that struggle constantly to find their place and role in this world.

What I do have:

- a loving husband

- a loving family who is willing to support me when I need it

- a job I love that makes me feel confident, content, creative, and allows me to be as intelligent as I want.

- enough financially to at least get by (and a ScotiaBank visa that gives me free movies)

- my health managed; I live in a country with free healthcare, if not free drugs.  I am glad to know I am in good hands, especially if anything drastic happened.

- friends around the world, and enough technology to be able to keep in touch with them.

- a garden at my parents' place when I need it

- a faith that saves me from despair

It's enough for now.  But I cannot wait for life to feel like it's actually going forward.

Seeler, I'm glad the age where that happens has at least been extended to 30 and that even then, it's being more acceptable to be single well past that.  It is still depend on the people you hang out with though.  I know some groups where it would be odd to be single past 30.

Fae, what are your thoughts on kids?  I'm not allowed to have kids either.  lol It sounds funny to say though.  I would have to work a drug out of my system first, which would take at least a few months and even then I think my doctors would want my condition controlled with something new and that would probably take time to work out as well.  For us though, it was just another push to not have kids.  We'll see what happens after a few years though!

Finding a local job with a PhD is hard.  I also know quite a few people who meet their SO in grad studies (it's where most of our time is spent!).  Getting post docs and then academic locations in the same location is just not possible many times.

Chemgal - same as me!!  I don't suppose you're on Methotrexate too?

To be honest, while the idea of not-being-allowed-to-have-kids-or-else-they'll-be-born-with-three-heads really scares me, I'm trying to focus on the positives of it.  Meaning that one of the reasons my husband and I haven't considered kids yet is that we haven't ever been in a situation of being that wasn't only about ends meeting.  If and when my husband DOES get a job, I feel like I would be happy to actually enjoy the process of possibly buying a house, or travelling with him and not feeling stressed out about how much money we're spending, etc.  I'm very proud that we're able to survive on only one income of less than $50K a year (especially living in Oakville!!) but I'd like to have time for something more than just 'survival' for a while before kids are in the picture.

It seems so endless though... we'll have been together for ten years this December.  Some of it was long-distance, the rest was a struggle.  I want to, HAVE TO believe that we'll earn some kind of reward for it in the long run... 

Nope, something else.  It causes miscarriages, kidney failure, head deformities, cardiovascular problems etc. though

I'm lucky, my sister wants kids soon.  Being an aunt would satisfy and baby fever I have :)  Hopefully, she won't have any pregnancy problems.

I wonder too if some of those who seeem to be moving up with flashy cars, a new home, eexpensive furniture are also loaded with debt - sometimes buried in it.  Once upon a time people expected to start out at the bottom.    While single we lived in a room with a shared kitchen and bath, or rented an apartment with three or four roommates. When we got married we were still renting - Seelerman and I started out with a housekeeping apartment - after we had kids we moved into a two room apartment (not two bedrooms - one bedroom, bath, and a large all purpose room with the kitchen built into an alcove.  We were still there when our second child was born.  We didn't own a car.  Furniture was catch-as-catch-can; veneer rather than wood.  Gradualy things improved.  I still remember when we got our first wall-to-wall carpetting installed - we thought we had arrived!              f                                                                                                                

Seeler, that may be true.  I am thinking more of people's stages and less of material goods, although sometimes they go together.  I mean things like trading in the clunker you had while a student and just starting off, that kind of stuff.  It may also be a little harder to take when people are into a different stage and it is at the luxury level as well.

Do you not see most people starting off at the bottom anymore?  Forgot about renting my own place, I lived at home for quite some time, and it was very helpful to save up some cash and avoid loans.

When you have cancer all priorities change. Material things mean nothing.

I would imagine that life stage would though.  Being married, having kids, etc. would likely make a huge difference in how I dealt with that diagnosis.

Re: Debt.

That is one thing I do NOT have, thank goodness.  And my husband and I are very proud of it.

We don't have any debt either.  Chemguy has had student loans, but they were paid off as soon as they started accruing interest.

We're actually house hunting now though, so we will be taking on a large amount of debt fairly soon.

When I was 18-35, #1, 2, and 3 were at various points true. Now that I'm 49, only #5 is true for me.

In life I think we are all best off if we aim for contentment and thankfulness for what we do have and where we are now, That doesn't mean we can't have goals for the future.

Rich blessings.

Isn't that just the "Rat Race"… I'm afraid I dropped out decades ago, if I was ever there. I chose curiosity and happiness instead. Je ne regrette rien…

So Mike, you're still single, living in your parents' basement? 

No Chemgal.

You asked, so:

I was sent to boarding svhool when I was 12… I hated it. I had some help from my folks through university but basically worked my way and did a five-year BA. My social life was by then almost wholly Maori. I got called up did compulsory military service (Navy0 which added to my sailing and diving time. I became a journalist, got married. Moved to Canada. Got divorced (her mother came to live with us in Canada and spent faster than we could earn… I was a postgrad student and had to quit).

Moved back to New Zealand, Remarried, and moved back to Canada — .and thad a few years  in Nova Scotia where I was arts editor for the Chronicle-Herald and met all sorts of amazing people. Harry Belafonte was one of my favorites., and an English comedian callede Eric Sykes…then back to New Zealand, taking in as many other places as my work had and enabled me to do: Antarctica, the Arctic, Fiji. U.K, etc.

My second wife then received her call — scared the hell out of me — and joined the bicultural New Zealand Methodist Church.  I became the "home manager" as we believed one of us should be a full-time parent.

After my wife was ordained we started a retreat centre, for several years living off the grid without water or sewerage services… I supported this work as a reporter, columnist, journalism teacher and commissoned author. (I've always done lots of commisioned and part-time jobs).

Then we had a couple of years in Wellington where an old friend from uni had become the Governor General. I worked as publications officer for teh university there and did in-office professional development training for working journalists around the country.

Our daughter began producing and presenting a radio show when she was 12 and was quite familiar with Government House. She'd spent her formative years year without electricity "in the bush" and kept horses from the time she was 6. So her radio show in Wellington was about horses… aimed at the hordes of "horsey" little girls in the city.

We next moved to Scotland, were on the dole for a year then my wife got work and I got a job managing a theatrical tour on the road for the Burns' Bicentennial year (with John Cairney, a solo actor famous for his Burns performances), then I taught journalism, started a bagpiping magazine for the National Piping Centre and took a PHD at Glasgow University, while we lived in a manse in Falkirk.

Then we moved on, back to Canada where our daughter became a RN. I meanwhile had travelled very widely in Europe with the bagpiping magazine that I continued to produce from Canada and still write for regularly — I'm now 67. I have a number of very special connections in Italy and Bulgaria. My wife's a UCC minister and I write freelance. (I haven't been able to find a job despite addind an ESL teaching qualification to my CV… ageism, I think).

And we hope we have a little equity in the house we've bought before we're too old to work anymore. (That's probably a pipe-dream.) We grow stuff and try to be as self-reliant as possible. We also have lots of interesting, very good friends. We are all (me, wife and daughter… now married with 3 young children) happy, busy and fulfilled with the dreams we've pursued and and the values we've made our own… we have lived sparsely at times… we once got through a month on water and fried egg sandwiches. But we are sustained spiritually through engagement and wonder.

We've never had television des[pite Bell Canada's persistent recent supllications, . So… not exactly a career path. But an amazing, wonderful life or, actually, three amazing wonderful lives)..

Absolutely amazing.  Thanks for sharing Mike!

Mike, I enjoyed that too!

Wow. Now that's a life story, Mike.

And as for Hell Canada (as I've been known to refer to them): I am a Bell TV subscriber and I still get bugged by them to become a Bell TV subscriber (Hi guys, how about making your sales and marketing system talk to your customer service system?), especially since I dumped their phone and Internet services. Apparently, someone in sales thinks I ditched them completely (which I might eventually) even though I'm still forking over $65ish a month for satellite.

Mendalla

I never thoght i waould be starting over at my age.  I did what you were supposed to do got married had 3 kids.  Thought my husband and I would retire and live the till death do you part.  Nope after 20 years of marriage he found someone else.  That was nearly five years ago.  I now live in a one bedroom appartment with my son  which I bought,  I have a job I have had for seven years.  People say i have changed for the better.  The one thing i do wish was i had someone to share my life with other than my kids but it is hard to meet someone when your older,