Ahhhh, ((((((somegirl)))))) .... I feel for you.  Two such huge issues to deal with simultaneously.  You showed such courage in speaking up to someone who could point you in the right direction ... I admire that.  I hope you will follow through and find a therapist with whom you can work some stuff through.   I'm glad you feel lighter for having shared your burden. 

I'm so glad you took this step my friend.  You won't be sorry. 

((((somegirl))))

When in the midst of hard stuff I used to say, It's a long, long road but I am still walking.   you are still walking - you're finding ways to hold on and reach out and that's amazing and brave and needed.  Everyone needs tethers... the people, the acceptance, the space made just for them, to hold them on the planet.  And I hope you feel yours...  from WCers and in that social worker and the small group around you... and that maybe from that one contact tonight, there will come more connection or deeper connection... And bit by bit, that sanity thread will turn into a rope and help ground you.

That's a lot you're carrying around... I really pray for some ease in your world... ((u))

Ah somegirl, I agree - you are carrying a lot around right now. Like others have said, I think it took a lot of courage for you to speak to the social worker. I hope you are connected soon with a therapist who you feel comfortable with as you take these next steps (and of course, if you're not comfortable you keep trying new therapists until you find one that's a good match).

I recall you mentioning that you weren't comfortable being open about being transgendered because you worried about your mother finding out - and it must be confusing for you now to be experiencing  the continued grief and pain of losing her and yet finding yourself at this place of freedom to be open about who you are, to explore parts of yourself you were keeping so private.

Please know that I am holding you in my thoughts and sending support as you walk this confusing, uncertain, scary - and hopefully freeing - journey.

(((((((((somegirl)))))))))

 {{{{Big Bear Hug}}}}.

What most people would need in there life is help. IMHO Those who succeed in life  are those who ask for it and keep asking for it when they need it.

The fact that you have come as far as you have, is a credit to you and your Mom.

 I had no idea I was so  privelidged to know so many transgendered  people on WC. 

All the best to you Somegirl and I hope you come to a peaceful place.

I can't help thinking with two such huge issues to confront - it would be difficult not to feel depressed.

I admire the mature way you are handling this. Although it helps to get support from wondercafe - you yourself have realised the truth - that you will require further face to face professional help.

You have begun the process. You said that it was difficult to talk about transgender issues because you live in a conservative area.

All power to you - you have made an excellent first step.

Realistically, there'll be many difficult moments ahead - you owe it to yourself to make sure you have professional help to see you through those times.

If wondercafe was a boxing ring - I'm in your corner. All my best.

*** Pinga wanders into this thread, smiles at the comments, nods her head...

Somegirl, you are supported by a wise community, but my sense is that is because you have sought it.  You started your walk a while ago, when you joined and opened up about yourself, and shared some of your life story. 

I sense that you ahve continued that journey towards wisdom and ease...through reaching out to the therapist.

so..though, it feels odd to give you a thumbs up..when you are down....i still want to give you one...for keeping moving forward. 

take care. you are wonderful

You're in my prayers somegirl. I hope you find the help and support you need.

somegirl . . . may much peace, hope, strength, and love be yours as you continue your journey with this step of reaching out and finding someone professional to talk to.  A very courageous step on your part.

You must miss your mom very much . . .

gaiagrrl posted - "It's a long, long road but I am still walking."   Keep walking somegirl, one foot in front of the other . . . even if they are slow, small steps.  You do not walk alone.

It takes a strong core of inner strength to make good decisions in your situation, somegirl.  A healthy, healthy move in a direction that you deserve!

somegirl ............. I am familiar with the road you are walking....

I am so very glad you have opened up to a therapist.

I know that place ..... worse than empty ..... at least empty can be filled....

I am also transgendered and I carried the burden of the death of my father.

He had rejected me years before on other issues ...of course I could never share this ....

He died without ever speaking to me again ..... 13 years of rejection and then death ... no chance of saying goodbye...

I too finally sought therapy because of a jumble of things.

Now I see the sunshine ..... I would love to chat with you about all of this if you would like.

So much to say and share ...... HUGS!!!!!!

Rita

Oh Somegirl, I am sorry for the grief and pain and confusion you are going through.  I hope that the therapist is able to help you walk the road you need to be on.

Losing parents is so hard.  Now I have lost both and I miss them so.  I am glad you are at a grief group.  I found that just talking to others who were experiencing the same pain helped me alot.  Long after friends have figured you have "gotten over it", a grief group will still hear your sobs and worries and stories.

Peace be with you

Thinking of you, somegirl. Reaching out is a courageous step.

Hi Somegirl. I know you here as a very strong person. I value you  and your words. Keep walking. Your journey started  many months back. We will walk with you.

((((somegirl)))).  I remember those first steps of saying out loud how low you felt to someone that could help.  Good luck...cms

I'm really sad to hear how bad you feel Somegirl. It doesn't bother me that you are transgendered. I think you're great. It's great that you're taking the steps you are. It's good you're in a city, you'll have more choice of therapists, and availability of support groups. I hope you find a really good one real quick. And I'm glad you've told us about yourself, cause I appreciate knowing you, love hearing from you, and hearing your life stories.

Purpose is a problem isn't it. I just keep on going anyway, wanting to see what's around the corner, what new things I can learn. Hold on to the things you love, and don't worry too much about the purpose of life.

Keep us informed ok, with how it's going? I'm thinking of you. ((((((HUGS))))))

Somegirl, Have you seen the movie Orlando? I think you might really appreciate it. It's a very meaningful film.

Here's the gorgeous theme song:

Coming by Jimmy Sommerville

I am coming! I am coming!
I am coming through!
Coming across the divide to you

In this moment of unity
feeling an ecstacy
to be here, to be now
At last I am free

Yes at last, at last
to be free of the past
and the future that beckons me

I am coming! I am coming!
Here I am!
Neither a woman, nor a man

We are joined, we are one
With the human face
We are joined, we are one
With the human face

I am on earth
And I am in outer space
I'm being born and I am dying

I am on earth
And I am in outer space
I'm being born and I am dying

I am coming! I am coming!
I am coming through!
Coming across the divide to you

In this moment of unity
feeling an ecstacy
to be here, to be now
At last I am free!

Yes at last, at last
to be free of the past
and the future that beckons me

Yes at last, at last
to be free of the past
and the future that beckons me

I am coming! I am coming!
Here I am!
Neither a woman, nor a man

Oh we are joined, we are one
with the human face
Oh we are joined, we are one
with the human face

At last I am free!
At last I am free!

I am on earth
And I am in outer space
I'm being born and I am dying

I am on earth
And I am in outer space
I'm being born, I am dying

At last I am free!
At last I am free!!!

Yes at last, at last, at last I'm free!
Yes at last, at last, at last I'm free!
 

Somegirl,

Your ability to speak it - here and in your home, is amazingly strong. I know how long it can be inside and how long it can be ran from before it overtakes you. Truth is, much of that time is depressing or depression,  we just don't realize it and we keep plodding on with "the secret". There are people that sometimes we keep secrets for or from... for you it was your mom. For years, I could not talk to my wife (I was plagued that she dated women not  "whatever I am" and that we would break up). Almost everyone has people they don't tell or can't tell or wish they did not have to tell. The fear of rejection lives alongside the love you feel... The risk seems so great. Reaching  "I want to talk about this, explore this, get tools, come to a place I can be myself and my happy self...." often means we have reached the point we see the depression. Your grief and this needed addressed. I am proud of you, the person you are, that you saw the need for help and took that scary step. It is a courageous and brave step.

((((((Somegirl))))))

That's a really beautiful song Elanorgold, thanks for posting it...

somegirl;

I understand the black depression.  You have your son and your husband.  They need you.  You need to hold on and get through this.  Your life has meaning.  You just can't see it right now.  Hold on to that which is positive.  

Adding my prayers and hugs, Somegirl. 

I have walked with my older daughter through black depression, and through other peoples' lack of understanding and acceptance of her bisexuality, so have a small inkling of how you are feeling.  I'm glad you were able to share with the social worker, and hope you find a good family doctor with whom you are comfortable.  Take care...keep reaching out, and always remember, as others' have said, you are not alone. ((((hugs))))

Thanks everyone.  I feel a bit better today.  Gaia, I actually went for a walk in the park today instead of lying down on the couch and watching bad TV like I wanted to.  Elanorgold, I'll have to check to see if I can get that movie at the library or maybe download it.  SG and RitaT, you have been a real inspiration to me.  Serena, I am trying to hold on to the positive.  I've spent many years trying to get my son to look at the positive and now he turns it on me when I'm down.  A very very wise boy. 

I have goals now, I'm not sure how to reach them, but I'd never reach them if I didn't have them.  I've asked for help, now I guess I see how it goes.  I have more to mourn than I thought I would.  My mom's death tore some things down but she built a good foundation (I think) that I can build up from.  Not that I don't miss her every single day.

somegirl

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time right now. I do hope you'll find a therapist who is understanding. I'm not sure that will be easy in N.S.  but hopefully I'm wrong. If you feel you aren't being understood move on  to someone else and don't waste your time.

A friend of mine was just writing that too much sleep is believed to add to being depressed. Sleep deprivation cures depression the article apparently said.  I know when people get depressed they don't feel like doing anything, eat,sleep, and watch TV. Its good if you can push yourself to get out and walk. Nature is healing. Too much TV can be depressing, especially all the bad news and  also when  we're watching everyone else have fun while we're down in the dumps. It isn't living. I often give it up and listen to music or read instead.

God is with us. We  are not alone.

Love and Hugs ((((((((((((((((((((((((somegirl))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Try this somegirl.  Send an email to Wesley United in Cambridge (which is an Affirming Church).  At Wesley they have a group (actually last time I looked it was a pretty large group) of transgendered persons  who meet there every month.  Some have made the change, some are in transition and some are coping with their challenges using other strategies.  The group is called "Torchlight".  Why don't you send an email to Wesley and ask them to get someone from Torchlight to call you.  They have a pretty big network and although they are not in your province they may know groups/resources/contacts in your province.  I know some of the people in Torchlight and believe me, if they can offer you any help, they will. 

Wesley's address is:

information@wesleyunited.ca

somegirl, I am familiar with depression and my heart goes out to you -- adding the loss of your mother and the need to examine where your life leads you now is big. Like the others who have posted, I'm glad to hear that you are taking steps to bring needed support into your life. I wish you well as you travel this journey -- may you find your heart's desire in the seeking.

Qwerty -- brilliant.

Somegirl, the group is wonderful and is a "beacon" for those in the area.   I am sure that they would be willing to help in any way, and ..actually, one of our members was posting on wondercafe for a bit, if that would be better. 

Thinking of you today Somegirl and the difficult things that you are facing and at the same time admiring your courage.    (((Somegirl)))

TL

Hey Somegirl, thinking of you. How are you doin'? Did you find Orlando?

Elanorgold, no, I have a bunch of library fines at the moment.  They opened a new library and it doesn`t have a drop off slot, very inconvienent.

QWERTY, I`m definately going to get in contact with that group.  I`m still building up my courage.

It has been a very rough couple of weeks.  I`ve been lurking but not posting.  After some darkness, some light is starting to appear.  A person who is very difficult to deal with at work is leaving.  I went to parent-teacher night and she and I were able to come up with a plan to improve my son`s behavior and school work and it is working so far.  My son hasn`t been to scouts in some time, I sent him this week just in time for him to get to go on a fishing camp this weekend.  So hubby and I will have some alone time and I might have trout for supper on Sunday (I told him if they are not cleaned and gutted to not bother bringing them home).   I still have some big issues to deal with, but it is very hard to do in the midst of grieving.  At this particular moment, I`m trying to be good to myself. 

I`d like to thank you all for your wonderful wondercafe support!!!

Continued support here somegirl. I have been thinking about you and the many challenges you are working with. I'm glad that you are able to have a glimmer of light. Do take good care of yourself..

More hugs ((((((((( somegirl ))))))))))

A few good things happening there somegirl ... so glad you're recognizing them, and your own part in making them happen.  I wish you a peaceful, child-free weekend of honouring yourself.

Hey thinking of you tonight somegirl.  Sending lots of good thoughts your way.

TL

I'm optimistic that  life will get better for you, somegirl. 

That last sentence is an excellent sign, IMO.

Just concentrate on the basics,  - good food, exercise, fresh air, sleep, finding comfort and support from family and friends, just go with the flow when it comes to your emotions..........

Hugs and empathy to you. If you're looking for an alternative to bad TV but are still fond of your couch my company has a book coming out soon, based in Labrador and Halifax, called Annabel; it's about someone who is intersexed but I'd say there are many parallels as far as identity and disclosure go. I just finished it and I really loved it.

I gutted a fish once. I was surprisingly not grossed out! I wondered then if I could actually do a rabbit... hmmm...not sure on that. Sounds good Somegirl. Pullin' for ya!

If not the library, maybe the local video store has Orlando for $3 or so...

I am keeping you in my thoughts.  It is good to kinow that it really does take time, and I hope that you are feeling better ase you work through these two very delicate issues.

((((somegirl)))))