I have suffered from depression for a great deal of my life.  I guess what I think about when I am in the depths of it is 'breathe in, breathe out'.  It takes nothing to breathe and it is all I need to do to get through hard times.

The last time I was feeling that way, I went to my doctor.  I am now on anti-depressants while I try to get a handle on the stresses in my life right now and it was one of the best things I've ever done in my life.

I'm only 19 and I haven't suffered any particularly devastating tragedies that have plunged me into the kind of hopelessness that other more mature members on this forum may have known, but any person who has actually thought about their life has at some point or another known the dark corners of the soul.  It's a feeling of having the ground collapse entirely underneath you with nothing to hold on.  Part of this is natural: life is defined by uncertainty, and awareness of this should make us anxious and keep our pretenses in check.  In such moments, I instinctively reach for the company of friends or family members I can trust and ask for their guidance. 

I think this recognition of dependence is essential, because without the company of equals we descend into loneliness, a feeling of being abandoned by everything, including one's own self.  It is in such moments of complete superfluosness that people reach out for totalistic explanations of how the world works, whether in religion or politics.  Behind every fundamentalist there is an insecurity so deep that it would rather destroy the world and reduce it to a simplistic equation than face humanity in all its bewildering complexity. 

I am still trying to figure out what will get me out of the bottom of the well so I really can't help you although I am hoping some others who post back may help me too.

One thing I have figured out is that spending time with certain friends who always make me laugh helps but I usually only see them once a month because they live an hour away. But maybe you have some friends like these who live close and if you do stick close to them and that should help.

One thing that helped me recently was to get involved in a worthwhile project - something that has a purpose - find yourself an organization that you would enjoy doing some volunteer work for - talk to people about it - and when you have made your decision offer your services - tell them what you believe you can do for them

I've been doing volunteer work for different organizations throughout my lifetime and I find it very helpful and supportive

There is a huge difference between being really sad and being depressed.  Depression is a physical and chemical reaction in your brain.  See your doctor.  Good luck...cms

When I am down in the dumps I put on Christian Praise Music and start singing along with it. It is not long before I am feeling better.

I agree with cjms about the difference between sadness and depression if your state of mind continues much longer go and see the doctor and checked out.

Stay in touch and let us know how you are doing.

Freethinker (RDJ) I haven't seen you around for ages! So glad you are still here. I am still convinced you will one day save the planet, you are evolved immeasurably beyond your years.

Emmalong, I echo Eileenrl - isolation or empty days can really intensify a tendency toward depression or melancholy. Getting connected and involved in your community can be a powerful medicine. Seeing a doctor and being open to medication is important too, but I am a firm believer that a pill alone is never enough for depression, you need talk therapy or CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy) alone or in conjuntion with meds. Speak to a doctor who you truly trust. And find a way to connect with your community.

I should also specify that I do not have depression nor have I ever taken meds for depression... these are just my opinions.

You might think that this is silly, or that I'm making fun.  I can assure you that I am not.

I've never been diagnosed with depression, possibly because I've never talked to my doctor about it.  I believe that I could be mildly depressed and I can tell you that it's quite a prevalent disease in my family.

When I'm feeling down I read Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day by Judith Viorst.  It's my favourite book of all time and I keep it on my coffee table for all occasions.  It really puts my problems into perspective.

Emmalong66 I now the answer to your question. It is quite simply Wondercafe. I learned today that once I opened up to everyone here and let them see the true me they all rallied around me and lifted me up. So open up here and I am sure you will be greeted with the same support as I was.

"It takes a community to raise a child and to keep that child going as well"

This may be a bland answer but antidepressants are a likely option. Depression is a medical issue often. If you're thinking in smaller terms, a quick "pick me up" then just going with what makes you happy. Spending time with friends, listening to good music or reading a good book. Getting outside in the sun and being active is good for you. If you're living healthy you should feel better. I hope all of the advice you've gotten so far at least gets you started. Best wishes Emma and GOD bless.

Thank you all very much for your suggestions, comments and support.

I know that my two bigger problems are boredom and not letting go of the past.  I'm bored most of the time (except at work when I'm constantly challeneged*) so I drink.  I don't necessarily drink much anymore, but it just gets me out of that frame of mind I'm in.  Then I sit at the computer and play number and word puzzles and brain teasers.

I was diagnosed with depression ten years ago, and have been on antidepressants ever since.  They help a great deal, but sometimes they don't work as well as they should because of the drinking.  It's a vicious cirlcle sometimes.  I'm also schizoid and have obsessive compulsive disorder, so things can get a little screwy sometimes.

Although I have let go of a lot of things in the past, a goodly number of those behaviors have hung on.  I've forgiven my ex, and that was huge for me, but I still have problems feeling inferior, not good enough, and unloveable.  One of my roommates the other night told me that the longer I drink (ie through the years), the more selfish I get, and he was absolutely right.  I was hoarding my beer.  I tearfully apologized for it, but what he said really hurt me.  You know someone loves you when they have the strength to tell you the truth -- even when you don't want to hear it.

I have had one session with a CBT, but it turns out it's $130 an hour that I just don't have right now.

As far as work goes, I had been on a certain project for three years.  Because the project was about halfway through, and I had given all my talents and expertise to the rest of the team members (I was the lowest position on the team, but they all still looked to me for technical and analytical support), I resigned from the team.  After that (and telling one of the bosses that I was an alcoholic in a private conversation one day), everything started to fall apart.  They suddenly don't trust anything I do, and took away all of my privileges.  The problem was that they didn't TELL me they did this, they left me hanging for three days and thoroughly embarassed me by telling two other cities' people (there are only three of us in Ontario!)  Anyway, whine mode (about work off).

To top it all off, I have bronchial asthma, and hay fever suddenly decided to kick my ass this year.  I spent 3.5 hours at the hospital yesterday going through heart tests and chest xrays because I'm almost passing out when I have a coughing fit.  (They did give me a kick-ass medication, though, so I should be feeling better by the end of the weekend.)

So that's my story.  Sorry about all the whining, but did you ever notice that sometimes you don't need the other person to say anything, you just feel better simply because they listen? Well thank you very much for listening... er... reading

Emmalong have you been formally diagnosed as schitzoid? If so, you should be on more than antidepressants - do you see a doctor regularly?

CBT can be done on your own, for free. All you need are the resources. Here is an online resource I found simply by googling "online CBT". There are many others. If you really committ to doing the courses online they do help. I used CBT for anxiety during a particularly difficult time in my life, and it is the closest to a cure you will ever find.

I'm so sorry that things are so rough for you Emma. On the bright side it does seem you have some good friends standing by you. That counts for a lot. Please don't take this badly but if you really cut back or quit drinking that'll free up money for other things, including seeing a counselor. I think  many places have a sliding pay scale based on your income. It's that way here and on most medical issues Canada is ahead of the U.S. As for work if you just do your best day in and and day out you'll slowly but surely rebuild their trust. It wouldn't hurt if you (truthfully) told the same person privately that you kicked the bottle but in the end your job performance will either prove you're capable or not. Also I think you need something positive in your life. Years ago I decided it was time for some self improvement and I joined a Christian martial arts class. It was good fellowship, good exercise, and I ended up taking my daughter with me so that was incredible bonding time we could share. I don't know if that's your thing or not but I'm sure there is something positive you can involve yourself with. Volunteering has been strongly recommended to me at times. Maybe that'll be good for you. Regardless I hope you find the answers and the happiness you seek. Take care and may GOD bless you.

Hey Emmalong.  I say this all the time, but exercise is the NUMBER ONE antidepressant.  It definitely helped me when I was younger and took up running.  It's definitely a good option compared to drinking for all that spare time you have.  I was skeptical before I tried it but it definitely helps.  For me, it was the first step as it let me think clearly, which let me make better decisions in my life, and then it was a domino effect from there.

By all means keep us updated ^^  and don't forget;  carpe diem!

OH! and before I forget, everyone take a look at this video.  It may not seem like much at the start, but just watch it through to the end.

Let me know what you guys think and I'll tell you my interperetation of it.

 The thing that helped me out of the quick sands, and never let me drown, was my friend.

For me, true friendship exists in only one person, and it is he that saves me from my downfalls.

Otherwise... my inspiration is music. I've found that nothing influences my mood better than music.

Emmalong66, when I go to bed at night the worst thoughts crowd in upon my mind as I hook myself up to my home dialysis machine;I keep thinking and worrying;are my kidneys getting any better--at all?--but the thing that gets me through those nights is pure escapism with either my favourite books or even writing my own short stories.I wish I could say it was resolve or courage that helps me out,but no,its my hopeless dreams ofpower and grandeur,of worlds of beauty and danger and sensuality that carry me through the night into the next day,that what i do when I am blue,as well!I heard somewhere that Agatha Christie did much the same thing from her bed when she was sick as a child...eminently cool writer,by the way(BEFORE all that stupid Murder,She Wrote t.v series!)Emmalong;hang in there,okay?You have countless friends out here on the WorldWide Web,and Admirers,too...                   Yours  IanC     P.S.Don"t apologize for hoarding the beer,okay?that stuff is hard to get a lot of the time,and if others want it whay dont they show some affection and appreciation for your generousity to them when you offer it to them?That guys a roomate,not a husband or partner;unless hes pitching in coin for it he shouldn

Puppypaws,Friends are the most powerful antidote to depression around!Family too!A lot of love and closeness colors everything much of the time.Besides writing and reading my favorite books my family(especially my big brother!)are my tpower tonic.I only wish that could be the case for everyone...Sorry that you dont see your loved ones more often.Maybe that will change,and soon...the old fortuneteller says:"Happiness is yours,dear child...I have forseen this...!"                                       Sincerely,IanC

you know sometimes it helps to listen to someones problems to make you feel better, which is not the case for me and if i told you every thing i been through it would take all day. If you want my advice lose the loser x that makes you feel bad.then deside what is important in your life. focus on that .P.S make sure you put YOU at the top of the list.

When I struggled with depressionm I constantly surrounded myself with god's love from the people I hung out with to the places I stayed. Knowing that God loves me and has me in his hands is all that brought me out of my pit.

and it always will

When I'm sad I pray to God. Usually I get angry rather than sad. Eventually I discover that the thing I was angry about wasn't such a big deal after all. I don't know if I've ever been actually depressed.

Good for you. There is nothing better that anyone can do.

Okay, let me add something.

When I get down -- depressed -- I can feel nothing, I care about nothing; the only thing that means something to me is to feel someone's kind and loving touch.  I crave it physically, however, I just realized that I might be receiving it spiritually.

I will think on this for a bit.

Interesting comment...the idea that God will always lift one from a depression.

I have been off-line for most of the summer for a variety of reasons.  Not the least of which was that I was diagnosed with clinical depression.  For a while it got bad enough that the idea of dropping dead seemed appealing.  There was so much happening with specialson and I had slept so little in several months (note, I am typing this at 4 am) that I simply hit a wall. 

For the most part I am feeling much better and seem to be emerging from whatever "that" dark place was.

So what helped?  Drugs do help.  In the event of a real depression (vs. feeling blue) antidepressants do help and are worth taking with the support and guidance of a trusted physician.  I agree that exercise is a great idea as well.  I work out with a trainer several times a week and this has been a great help.  For me, getting out of the house is always a good idea and connecting with friends and community. Talking with my husband and at times, venting the feelings and frustrations I am carrying has gone a long way.  He is a supportive man. 

I have also learned that at times I need to turn away from my perceived expectations of society (ie. be a 24 hours nurse) and ensure that my needs are being met....I am sleeping, eating, getting out, having some fun.  That, for me, has been difficult.  There is an unwritten expectations that mothers do anything for their children...to the point of martyrdom, particular when that child is seriously ill.  However, one can't do that forever. In my efforts to do so, I crashed. So I have also learned to examine what I am doing, what my expectations are, what other's expectations are...and me clear about what I can, and cannot do and learn to ask for and accept help.  Not easy I assure you.

A month ago we made the very difficult decision to place specialson in a long term care facility for an extended respite admission.  He will likely remain there until about Thanksgiving (with the exception of some time at Sick Kids in TO this sept). This is the longest he has been out of my care.  It is both the hardest thing I have done and has been one of the most helpful things I have done in terms of getting better.

Take care all who have struggled with depression.

I posted earlier, "Interesting comment...the idea that God will always lift one from a depression."

I meant to add that this has not been the case for me.  Sadly, when I have been at my lowest points, that is when I seem to most feel the absence of the Divine..to the point of being abandoned.  It is a very lonely place. 

SpecialMom.....thanks for being here and doing what you needed to do.  I know that if I say life sucks some days..people will argue with me, but sometimes, it doesn't feel like anything one can do is right.  I'm glad that you were able to choose life for yourself even though it meant not being able to do other stuff for others.

I've missed your presence around here.

Hello specialmom, it's good to hear from you. I've been interested to hear how you have been holding up. Sounds like you've had to make some hard decisions for yourself and your family. While I was reading your post it reminded me of something I heard on the radio a while ago.

They were talking about a scenario with regards to  what you should do if you were in a plane that was having engine trouble and the oxygen masks were deployed and you were holding a child in your arms. Only one oxygen mask was available for each seat. What should the mother do? Most people it seems would put the mask on their child first. The right answer? The mother should place the mask on herself first so that she can continue to administer oxygen to herself thus enabling her to also share it with  her child. 

It must have been hard for you to make the decision to place your child in respite, but it sounds like you made the best decision for both of you.

As for your other point about feeling abandoned by God maybe just being able to continue to put one foot in front of the other and go through the motions of basic existence is the only gift we can accept on the journey to recovery?

emmalong66, someone once told me rather than fight with depression, dance with it.

I think they meant that once you accept it and acknowledge it, it begins the healing process and eventually after walking through the fire, you do come out on the other side. It takes time and it's awful when you're in it, but take some of the advice from the posts above that may work for you and do what's best for you to bring around your recovery.