Mists, not being in your situation, I'm not sure what the answer is. The only advice I can give is to lean on your loved ones for support when you need it.

In my dealings with loss, I've found the words of Dr. Nancy Reeves to be extremely helpful. She once told me to never let anyone dictate to me how I "should" be feeling or what I "should" be doing when going through grief. We all grieve in unique ways. She's written some excellent books, which you can order through her website: www.nancyreeves.com.

Mists - I was a widow at 39, but I wasn't a single parent.

Depression after the death of one so close to you will be a factor, and you need to seek help and counselling as soon as possible.

How long does it take to heal?  Every person is different, every healing journey is different....no one can tell you that.

You will learn to cope one day at a time, maybe even one hour at a time.

Most important for you is to live for your daughter - she will give you hope and strength.

My most important advice is "be kind to yourself".  When I was beating myself up with guilt and doubt and "what ifs", a wise counsellor told me that.  It was the best advice I received.

Find support groups - you don't have to do this alone.

Hi MistsOfSpring,

You don't.

At the same time you remain mindful that not all things hoped for come to pass and you make sure that you have safeties in place for when the fall comes.

Do you still love him?

You know that he isn't perfect.  You must have some practice forgiving him for other perceived failings.  This may be the last chance you have to forgive him while he is still around to be loved.

Right now it isn't about coulda, woulda or shoulda.  Right now it is about what is.

What is, is a lot of things.  You are angry.  Your husband is dying.  Your family is hurting.  I suspect that there is still more anger yet to come.  I suspect that your husband will die.  I suspect that your family will hurt for a long, long, long time.

So it is time to prioritize.

Is your anger more important than loving Jim?  If it isn't put it aside.  There will be lots of time later to be angry and point fingers.

By realizing why that feeling is so important to you.

Which is more important.  That Jim lives and suffers or that Jim is comfortable and dies?

How can you hold on to it?

By being honest with her.  It will hurt.  It should hurt.  She needs the freedom to feel what she is feeling and if you don't allow her that freedom her hurt will be worse.

With a lot of tears and pain.  I hope it would also be lovingly.

I suspect that is a very normal response.

Almost exactly the same stuff a 38 year old mother of a young child does.

They are amazing women.  Their strength comes from millions of places.

You are going to live.  It won't be comfortable.  It is possible.  Help will be available.

There is no one size fits all answer here.  It is normal for the grieving process to last anywhere between a year and 18 months.  One of my friends who runs pastoral circles around me suggests a month for every year together.  Other factors can interfere with the grieving process and stretch it out much longer.  One day though the pain isn't so acute.

Again, there is no one size fits all answer.  You will have to reinvent normal.  That will be tough.  You and Jim have routines and it will be sometime before you fail to fall into that routine as habit.  Until then every time you fall into the routine you are going to have reality rear its ugly head and remind you of what it is that you have lost.

All of that depends on you.

I lost my Grandfather 46 years ago last November.  It doesn't hurt now as much as it did then.  Taling about him and how much I miss him still tears me up.  Those tears wipe away.  To tell the truth.  I'm somewhat glad for them.  If talking about my Grampa every fails to touch a tender place I'll know something isn't right.

You love Jim and that is never going to change.  It will be acceptable for you to miss him always.  You will still have a life to live though.

Please understand that I only know of you what you have shared here.

I think that yes, you can heal from this and yes, you can be ok again.  I'm under no delusion that it will be easy for you.  You have struggled with depression before which leads me to think that your struggle is going to be much harder than it would normally be.

Of course, having wrestled with depression, you redefine normal for your life experience and while it might take you slightly longer than someone else to get to a point where you can say you have healed and you are ok I still think it is a point that you can get to.

Your daughter will need you to heal and get better.  If you don't she will have a much tougher time as she will be looking to you for guidance.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family in this time of gieving.

Grace and peace to you.

John

Hope, peace, strength, comfort, perseverance, and determination are wished and prayed for you as you put one step in front of the other today, and in the days, weeks, months, ahead.

I'm curious ... how is he coping with having to leave ya in such a circumstance ? Must break his heart as well ... how does he encourage ya, since he must know you quite well and what encouragement do you think he needs ???

ah Mists of spring and spirit of autumn,

Life is not fair. % years ago our Edmonton neighbour's wife died leaving him with 3 young boys. K was 45 when she died of cancer.

Last fall my friend J had her husband at 54 drpo dead on a run. And he was a runner-leaving her with 3 teens and their business-he was a race director and running group leader.

Yes it happens to others. as well as you.

You go on-on a day by day basis, accepting the support of your family and friends.

Who knows what the future might bring?

Don't feel you have to do it all yourself-reach out!

Hugs

Mists

Lots of people memorize the Our Father prayer and use it as a meditation to relax the mind. Perhaps you may find it of some benefit.

MistofSpring, I was a widow at 28 and abruptly became a single parent.  I won't lie to you, it is not easy but it is not impossible either.

The one thing that kept me together was my child.  He was two at the time.  I made myself a promise that I would focus on his happiness and in the process discovered that meant finding my own happiness.

Something else that worked for me, but this is a definite reflection of my personality, was to focus on the mundane ... look after the paperwork, get the benefits, pay the bills, blah blah blah.  After a while that became so tedious that I was able to move onto finding joy again.

It takes time.  Don't rush it.

You may find a series running in the Globe and Mail helpful

Globe Life End of Life

Hi Mists,

My thoughts and prayers are with you 

I have a very good friend who was a widow at 34 with a 5 year old and a 7 year old.

It was not easy.  She depended heavily on her friends for meals and her family and in laws for support both emotional and financial.

15 years later she remet a man she knew as a teenager and has remarried.  Her kids are now 22 and 24.  Re marrying wasn't easy either and was very difficult for her previous inlaws.

She survived day by day, tear by tear.  Lots of prayer and candles.  Lots of meals delivered to her door, lots of drives for her kids.  But she survived.  You will too.

Put the anger in the back of your mind.  Anger is a normal part of grief but you don't want it to overwhelm you when you have limited time with Jim.

If you are off work i really think you should bring him home.  TO allow your family to greive together.

Prayers your way

Mists I think it's quite common to start to grieve the loss of a loved one even before they have died in order to prepare our minds for the inevitable but I think it's also good to remember that they haven't actually passed yet. Jim is still very much alive and needs to be treated as such, maybe even he needs to be reminded? Be encouraged by what you both have left together, for even a single moment can create a lasting memory that you will cherish forever.

waterfall, what you wrote reminded me of the quote that guides hospice and pallative care.

"You matter because of who you are. You matter to the last moment of your life, and we will do all we can, not only to help you die peacefully, but also to live until you die."
                                             --Dame Cicely Saunders

[quote=SG]

waterfall, what you wrote reminded me of the quote that guides hospice and pallative care.

"You matter because of who you are. You matter to the last moment of your life, and we will do all we can, not only to help you die peacefully, but also to live until you die."
                                             --Dame Cicely Saunders

Exactly! Thanks.

((((MistsofSpring)))))

Continue to pour your heart out here on wondercafe.  It is good for you and your friends are here for you.

I have not lost a spouse.   I have lost both my parents.  Grief is terrible.  It seems to last forever.  But it does not.

You will go on.  Life will be different.  There will be a large empty hole in the beginning.  You will always miss Jim.  But one day at a time and you will begin to create a new life without him.

Go to grief counselling go to grief support groups.  You need this and you need to let yourself be sad for awhile.

Log on to wondercafe and your friends will mourn with you beside you until we can be happy with you again.