It seems to me that we all cope with grief differently. What works for your parents may not work for you - and vice versa. I think the key thing is to keep the lines of communication open with both Rachel and your parents. Do talk to Rachel about Jim - ask her how she is feeling and if there is anything she needs. You may be surprised at her response. Have you heard of the Rainbows organization? It's a non-profit network of support groups dedicated to helping kids who are dealing with grief and loss by supporting them as they process their feelings and giving them positive coping tools. When you are feeling ready, it might be worth checking out: www.rainbows.ca. I would also recommend finding a support group for yourself - your local hospital or cancer agency should be able to put you in contact with an appropriate one.

MistsofSpring, I am sorry that you are having to journey through this loss, along with Rachel, and all your family and friends.

There are people with wisdom around you,  May you be able to lean on them and listen to them, as you also support those that you love.

i am thinking of Jim's siblings, parents, child...who all are struggling.  

At a time in my life, when I was grieving people shared wisdom:.  May they be of help to you

Get out of the house and see someone at least every second day.

Sleep when you can during the day - as emotional pain is exhausting.

Eat healthy - even when you don't feel like eating.

and this...

remember to lead with love...to "let go, and let God "....let God carry, let God hold, let God...let the spirit be amongst us....let love lead..

I feel deeply for you Mists. If you need to sleep, sleep. You are grieving and that is perfectly understandable. It may be that Rachel is just too young to process at all what has happened, and in time, the questions and discussions will come, and you will be stronger and better prepared to answer them.

Sending you hugs.

I just looked up www.rainbows.ca to see where I might find a group for Rachel.  I've been thinking of spending time with my parents in North Bay for a while, but I wasn't expecting to see one up there...oddly enough, not only is there a contact person, but it's literally in my parents' backyard.  I will definitely make contact and find out more about the program.

Thanks for all the support, everyone.

I think letting Rachel feel how she does is best, not telling her how to feel. Kids do seem to come to terms with things much quicker, and she may choose to grieve later. It looks like both a blessing and a pain to have your parents there. It's good that you type out your feelings here. Spending a day in bed sounds like a perfectly normal re-action. Allow yourself the freedom and kindness to explore this uncharted territory one step at a time.

Mists - I am so glad to know that there is a group in North Bay that your daughter might be able to attend. I've known some older girls who've done the program here and it was very helpful for them.

That looks like an excellent program.

Sorry to hear of your loss Mists. This is a time for grief for everyone and all deal with it in different ways. my thoughts are will you your family and jim]s family.

Hi Mists...parents panic a little, I think, when their children are in pain and feel like they need to "do" something.  Maybe it would be helpful for them to know that you just need to be with them.

I don't know what the circumstances were, but if Jim was ill for a long period and you were his caregiver...you'll be very, very tired.  You would have had to keep many feelings below the surface to take care of day to day duties.  Don't be hard on yourself if you feel a bit of relief that it's over...it would be natural. 

Accept whatever feelings you are having without judging yourself.  I don't think we become hardened...I think we do what they have to do to take care of others and don't allow ourselves to express anything that would sound mean or selfish, so those feelings can get stuck. 

Soft thoughts sent your way....

You will feel cold and numb for awhile, Mists, and that's normal following the death of a loved one, especially when these past weeks have been emotionally draining for you.

It's our way of coping with the pain and loss.

Give yourself "lots of time" to heal, and be gentle with yourself.

Thinking of you and Rachel.

Hi Mists,

Grief is a process that is different for everyone.  At this stage you are still numb.  That will change.

i doubt Rachel takes in the whole process.  Jim was ill and at his parents for a while, certainly it seems like at least 6 weeks and so she is used to him being gone.

It will change, perhaps not for years when she can't give him Fathers day gifts etc.

Going to north Bay sounds like a good plan although if your parents are willing to stay here that allows Rachel to have her routine.  I am wondering what your plans are about getting back to teaching.  That also might be a good thing.

Talk about Jim.

Use his name

HAve pictures up and laugh about them with her

Start doing lots of "remember when you and daddy....."

I thought you might like this

The Elephant in the Room       by Terry Kettering

There’s an elephant in the room.

It is large and squatting, so it is hard to get around it.

Yet we squeeze by with, “How are you?” and “I’m fine”…

And a thousand other forms of trivial chatter.

We talk about the weather.

We talk about work.

We talk about everything else – except the elephant in the room.

There’s an elephant in the room.

We all know it is there.

We are thinking about the elephant as we talk.

It is constantly on our minds,

For you see, it is a very big elephant.

But we do not talk about the elephant in the room.

Oh, please, say his name.

Oh, please, say Jim again.

Oh, please, say Daddy or hubby again.

Oh, please, let’s talk about the elephant in the room.

For if we talk about his death,

Perhaps we can talk about his life.

Can I say Jim and not have you look away?

Can  I say daddy/hubby and not have you look away?

For if I cannot, you are leaving me

Alone…

In a room…

With an elephant.

Thanks for posting Mists of spring/spirit of Autumn

It will be a tough path you walk, with many tears and your new reality as a family of 2.

It was just about a year ago my children's father died. They are teens and young adults. He is mentioned sometimes-not weekly tho.

Then again-he wasn't the love of my life-but my  ex. of 12 years who had remarried.

 Your parents do want the best for you. Take back Rachel's care as you are able. She will need the security of you being there for her.

Now do you have plans?

Perhaps teach for May and June? and then maybe summer up north with your folks?

Be gentle with yourself.

Mists

I think you're both doing fine.

I might add that sometimes a young child might worry that if her daddy died perhaps her mommy might die too. I would let Rachel deal with it howsoever she chooses and not force her. My daughter, 5 at the time,  was quite shocked by seeing her grandmother's remains. It was a 4 day in home wake out of town  so I did not have a place to leave her. She never spoke much about it except about what her grandmother was wearing and she still mentions the attire years later in her 40's. At the cemetery I stood back with her so she didn't see the actual burial. I think cremation may be difficult for a young  child to understand  so personally I wouldn't talk much about it until she is older.

..just my 2 cents worth...

umm, i would suggest that there is a reason people are called parents, rather than friends.  I would not let a 5-yr old decide how to deal with something, without first checkng with someone who is trained in loss/bereavement with children.  I understand Mists that it may be too early, as you deal with your own loss, and do others dealwith theirs, and your family helps each other...but, maybe there is someone in your inner circle who would have wisdom or could help take this task on.

I knwo there is little that can be done now, but, I wonder......10 years from now, when she is 15; how she will feel to hear she went to school instead of attending the funeral.  My sense is, and again, without any training, that she needs a marker, if not now, at least for later.  It could be aking something to his gravesite, or...time off school and some processing, awareness.   (again, i would look to experts)

Actually, I spent a great deal of time considering what I was going to do with regards to Rachel and the funeral activities.  I spoke to my own therapist and I looked online at a variety of websites about helping children handle grief.  The most common message was that the child, even a preschool child, should have the choice of whether to attend or not.  Being forced either to attend or to not attend is much harder on the child.  I explained everything every step of the way and let her decide for herself.  She went to the visitation at the funeral home, but only stayed for the first half before she wanted to go home.  I asked her if she wanted to make a special picture for Daddy to put with his body and she did not want to.  I explained that his body was there if she wanted to see him one more time and say good bye and she did not want to.  I told her what the funeral was and what would happen there and she very strongly did not want to go to it.  Right now, she doesn't want to talk about any of this.  She's processing things in her 5 year old mind and right now she just isn't ready.  I still have the family pictures up on the fridge.  I'm not erasing his existence.  If I find that she isn't open to talking about him in the next couple of weeks, I'll be looking for some kind of additional support for her.  I also have always intended to do something with her as a private memorial service, not only for her but also for me because the funeral was virtually meaningless to me.  I'm going to make her a small photo album with pictures of her and Daddy together and let her look at it...or not...whenever she wants.  I'm going to go slowly and gently with her.

I'm not an expert in childhood grief and loss but it I'm inclined to think that explaining and giving choices around what to do or not sounds like a good thing to do - I know of someone who struggled with lifelong depression because he wasn't allowed to see his sister's body or attend her funeral.  All of her pictures were removed and all trace of her put away - it was dreadful.

A preschool age is so young and it must be difficult for Rachel to take it all in.  So keeping the communication open and respectiing her inability to talk about it right now is probably good. 

I had a funeral for a father of two 8 and 11 year old children and they seemed fairly resilient throughout it all.  Truth is not all grief manifests pathologically and there are children who get on with their lives without profound problems as the result of the loss of a parent.  I do think the ongoing support of family and friends makes all the difference. 

Regarding children and funerals...........

When my husband died, there were seven grandchildren ranging in ages from 2 to 15.

When my minister came to discuss the service, one of the parents didn't want their two children to attend the funeral - feeling that it would upset them too much.

The minister said, that if the child themselves felt strongly about not attending -their wishes should be met. However, in his experience children processed the service at their own age level - and with their parents support, they managed just fine.

All the grandchildren attended - and, in their own way, they coped.

The eldest child was going to read a lesson, but, as he said to me later, he suddenly missed his grandpa acutely and was visibly distressed - and his father read the lesson for him.

At the wake, they all hovered around me more than usual, as if sensing my need for their affection........

Their grandpa would have been proud of them, as was I...............

I think you handled a difficult situation well, Mists.

Glad you are receiving support and guidance from those you trust, MistsofSpring

Sending warm thoughts your way today, Mists.

Thinking of you today Mists - I pray that an Easter experience of new life will eventually come out of this for you and Rachel.

A hard time and a hard path for you, MistsOfSpring . . . walking your own path of grief, yet needing to be a mother to a child who has lost her father also.  I'm not sure how you will find the balance of taking care of Rachel yourself, and yet taking the time to grief how you need to. 

One thing about grief and grieving is that it is not the same for everyone . . . and you need to find your own way.  Unfortunately life - whether it is other family that needs us, a job, other responsibilities - does not stand still while we do it . . . we need to figure out how to grieve admist our living.  Indeed, very hard for you, a very difficult situation - caring thoughts are with you.

(((((mists)))))  I am so sorry to hear your news.  I continue to hold you in my heart and wish you whatever comfort you can find.  Coming to this thread so late means that almost everything has been said already leaving me short of ideas of thoughts to add. 

Most important thing, I think, is to grieve however you do it - your mom, Jim's dad, various friends will all handle this loss differently - and that is OK.  It sounds as if you have counselling support and I'm releived to hear that - a safe space to honestly share is useful. 

Thinking of you, mists.

MistofSpring......

OHHHHHH MY! .... my most sincere condolences and my most gentle and heartfelt hugs.

I am so glad that you have us to share with and you are allowing us to share this time with you.   As you already know .... we are here for you.....

I am sure your family ...even through their grief .... are trying their best to do what they feel will help.   We can be so clumsy at this ...especially when trying to be the strong and stable ones.....

Try and be happy and gentle with their shoulds ..... they are trying so hard to help and I am sure you know that.    There is wisdom in what they are trying to say and please try and dig out those nuggets.   I do hope they inspire you and help hold you safe so that you don't slip further into the doldrums.

You are loved ..... thank you for including us in your family at this time.

Oh so gentle hugs

Rita

Was thinking of you today Mists. (((((((((( Mist and Racheal))))))))))

Thinking of you, mists. Sounds like you're doing a great job of "the next right thing". Look after yourself. I love the idea of a private ceremony for you and Rachel.

Thinking of you today, Mists - and hoping that today is better than yesterday.

Just thinking of you again today Mists. I hope things are perhaps starting to settle into a routine of sorts and that you have been able to take time for yourself and time to spend with Racheal.

Thoughts have definitely been with you MistsOfSpring and your daughter Rachael these last days.

I also am continuing to hold you and Rachel in my thoughts MistsOfSpring.

MistsOfSpring Continue to cherish Rachael, continue to look after yourself and continue to rejoice in the wonderful life you and Jim had/.