Mists of Spring: I'm so sorry to hear you're struggling like you are.  I'm sending you a hug.You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

Depression and anxiety can be a couple of the most debilitating conditions, especially when they go hand in hand, and so misunderstood...people tend to be very ignorant of it if they've never experienced full blown depression. I've been on a roller coaster with them most of my adult life too...sometimes big stresses trigger it, sometimes it seems to happen for no reason at all...even before I was an adult it happened. There have been times when everything falls apart, work, household, relationships...and then I would get a burst of inspiration and hold it together for awhile...sometimes years. This past year I fell into a depression deep that is beginning to pass but I had a hard time admitting to anyone that I was even going through it. You're not alone. Try to take it easy on yourself...you're going through very difficult circumstances, so it is perfectly okay to get upset, to cry, to distract yourself with games on the computer, to do whatever you need that will help you. Don't worry so much about your hair or your dishes if they're too much...they can wait..just do a bit at a time, one day at a time, the best you can...you don't need to be perfect, your house doesn't need to be perfect..and reach out to whoever you can to help you. I would suggest to try not to isolate too much and take on too much by yourself... I can relate to how it can be tough to reach out when I want to just stay in bed, and I don't want people to know how I've let the chores slide, or what a tough time I'm having, I don't want my loved ones to worry (or in my case sometimes criticise), and I don't want to make the effort to save face either--or I feel totally overwhelmed-- so I just stay in bed... that's been my experience in times of depression...but really try to connect with people and ask for help when you need it, take time to do things you would normally enjoy, even when they've lost their lustre... I often find get a glimmer of lustre again, enough to give me energy to get through the day and things are a little easier the next day, and so on.

Do you have any extended benefits like counselling through work? Do you go to a church that offers supports like this? Is it possible to take paid leave from work? I'm just wondering what resources might be available to you to help with  the pressures of this difficult time.

Wow Mists - you certainly have a lot on your plate right now. I also suffer from depression, so I know what you meant when you said that stress is not your friend. I like Kimmio's advice about using all available resources to you. The only advice I would add is to take things one day at a time, and make sure that you are able to take care of yourself.

 to you Mists.

Hang in there Mists. I am wondering whether it would be helpful for you to discuss the situation wit the school guidance counselor.

Hello MistsOfSpring,

Stress is friend to no one.  It is parasitical.  

Respectfully, dealing with shoulds is not dealing with reality.  I understand the desire to be helping and comforting your husband.  I'm sure your husband understands your desire to be a help and comfort to him.  If your husband knows as much of your history as you have revealed here I'm reasonably certain that your husband is worrying more about you than he is himself.

There is a moment, during pre-flight instructions when the Flight Stewards explain the oxygen mask and how to use it.  I'm always intrigued by their apparently counter-intuitive explanation.  Imagine.  They instruct us to put our oxygen mask on before we put it on our children.  Why?  Well, I expect it is because they figure a calm, strong adult is better at helping firghtened children than the other way around.

You are in distress.  Part of that distress comes from you beating yourself up about not being able to help your husband as you ought to.  I suspect that the two of you have been functioning as a team and there are times when you compensate for him and times when he compensates for you.

This is going to be one of those times.

Your husband has limited strength and resources.

You have limited strength and resources.

You are going to have to deal as best you are able.  Expect any and all solutions to be imperfect.  You have a child together, you have a physical burden (in your husband's cancer and treatment) and you have an emotional/mental burden (your history with depression and anxiety).

In your shoes I would be putting the emotional/mental burden as number on on my list of priorities.  If I allow myself to be taken out of the picture I cannot provide any help in dealing with the other burdens that are baring down.

Getting help with and for that should be your first priority.

Secondary priorities include getting help for your daughter (whatever she needs) be it grandparents, aunts or uncles or a close family friend.  Since this is a burden for both your husband and yourself I am confident that knowing your daughter has support will make things easier for your husband and yourself.

Tertiary priorities include getting help for your husband.  Find him some support.  Chaplains are present at most hospitals.  At the very least the Chaplain is someone who can be present with and for your husband so that he is not alone at this time.  Because the Chaplain is not a close family friend the Chaplain is safe for your husband to rage at if it is necessary.  Bear in mind that if your husband throws the Chaplain out the Chaplain may not come back without the return being requested.  Patients have the right to deny the Chaplain access.

I respect that it feels that way.  Truth is you are overwhelmed.  That isn't a failure.  That is a reality.  You are overwhelmed because you have a tremendous amount of concerns on your plate.  You need help.  Admitting that is not a failure.

Is a paid sick leave something that is at all possible?  Have you checked with your union reps to know what you are entitled to?  My wife used to teach I have no idea what resources her benefits package would have offered.

The trick is not to stop it but rather withstand it.  If you try to stop it then it will break you.  No dam can hold back all waters.

Are any life threatening?  Report cards are a big deal.  I've heard stories of them being late and nobody was scarred or maimed because of that.  It becomes an inconvenience for others certainly.

I've never understood the falling apart to be a luxury.  Particularly since pulling everything back together afterward is such a chore.  The reality is that you are being pulled apart and that by forces that are not entirely within your control.  You need help.

Do you have any friends who could help you with some light housecleaning and take some of that burden off of your hands?

Do you have a GPS?  if so use it going to work and coming home.

According to your profile your daughter is 5 years old and would be in Kindergarten.  Is there a possibility that she could go to Grandparents for a bit?  It isn't a perfect solution.  It is something.

Here's the thing.  I suspect that Rachel feels something is going on and she is powerless to change whatever that something is.  So she is frightened and that is why she needs you so much.  The more she needs of you and the less of you she gets the more her fear is likely to grow.  The more she needs of you and the less of you that you are able to give to her the more your despair of parenting will increase.  Time with Grandparents, particularly if the relationship is close, could be a balm which heals those wounds and gives you some time to concentrate on your first priority (which is your wellness).

I can empathize with those wants and those needs.  There can be a time and a place for them.  It will need to be arranged.  You'll need your friends for that.  You absolutely cannot do this alone and to be completely honest.  I don't think anybody should ever try to do what you are trying to do alone.

Grace and peace to you.

John

Blessings and love.

Oh Mists, I wholeheartedly agree with Revjohn, you need to take care of yourself first in order to function for others.

Would a bit of a plan help? Laundry is piling up? Put it all by the washing machine, out of site, and make it a priority another day when you need to keep busy with a mindless task. Cooking is too much? Just make simple meals, soup and sandwich, pizza, hot dogs, etc... Definitely request a leave, there's probably a substitute teacher waiting with baited breath for the opportunity to step in, you both win.

Remember, don't aim for your usual perfection but instead repriortize what the bare essentials are, the ones that are completely necessary. And absolutely call in your friends, just like you did here because sometimes it's only by revealing our fears and needs that friends realize what's going on. It also vents the pressure cooker that is building up inside of you by not keeping it all inside. This probably should include telling someone at work just so you don't have to "fake" that everythings okay all day at school, should you decide to stay at work.

Don't forget, if you need to scream, rant, cry, etc.... there are many shoulders here to cry on.

And most of all, remember, you are never alone. I have drawn strength from God many a time in very dark hours, he is there and many times when I've collapsed in need before him, he has taken the burden off my shoulders and carried them for me. Ask. His strength is there for the asking.

Mists - my heart breaks for you.  

In a way I know what you are going through.   My sil suffers anxiety and clinical depression (I didn't know how bad until recently).  My daughter went through cancer last year (thankfully she is in recovery and her body is showing signs of healing itself).   I was and still am her support person.   When she couldn't take it any more she came to me.  She raged, she cried.  I held her, I patted her shoulder, I sat and listened.  And when she went home I cried.   Then I turned to my support system - my friends here on the WonderCafe and my friends at church.   And I offered practical support, especially with the grandchildren. 

Where are your parents?   And Jims?    Let them know how much you need them.   Perhaps you could arrange to take time off from work if you feel that is what you need.  Personally, when found when I got stressed the routine of getting up, getting dressed, going to work, thinking of something else for eight hours, helped me keep my feet on the floor - but I had an office job, a lot different from teaching.  

Have you let the people in your church know about your situation?   Let them know how they can help?   Meals, driving, playdates and/or sleep overs for your daughter?    Have you considered sending your daughter to your parents (or Jim's parents) for a few days, weeks, a month?   

Mists - you sound like you are at your breaking point.   I'm glad that you came here to rave.   We care.  

My heart breaks.  Tears are blinding me.   Take care of yourself Mists.  You are important.  We care.

RevJohn said it best but I will add...

I've walked in your shoes.  I know how hard it is to hold it altogether for everybody; to be the "strong one".  It is a very lonely place.

Your words that spoke to me were "I want to hide myself in a protected cocoon and stay there.  I need to scream.  I need to cry.  I need to rest."  and I, based on my experience, agree ... you do need to do all of those things.

I suspect, because you are struggling to hold it together, you probably think you can not do that in front of others.  That certainly was the case for me, so I found private places to do those things.  I was lucky I could drive up north, leave my child with my parents, and walk in the bush ... the only beings that heard my screams and cries were the trees.

I will give one word of caution though ... when people do not see you struggling they don't offer help.  They think you are coping.  They think you are strong.  They even think they can add to your burdens because of that strength. 

If I had to go through it all again I would not hide my fear, grief, exhaustion from my loved ones.  I would show it all and let their strength build mine.

And do not tell yourself that what you are going through is not "normal", that it is your "depression" or "anxiety".  You are under a tremendous pressure that no "normal" person could endure alone.  Give yourself permission to be human; one that is both strong and frail.

We are not idealized wild things.
We are imperfect mortal beings, aware of that mortality even as we push it away, failed by our very complication, so wired that when we mourn our losses we also mourn, for better or for worse, ourselves. As we were. As we are no longer. As we will one day not be at all.
     Joan Didion, The Year of Magical Thinking

((((((((((Mists))))))))))

Sometimes it really does feel as if we have been giving more than we can bear.  I'm sorry you are in that space but glad you came to the WC to share that.  I was once in a similar space in my own life and remember having feelings like those you expressed............it is so tough to handle.........and seems impossible to get through while you are buried in it.

Several people have already talked about things you could consider that might help.  I do so hope that you found some useful ideas in there words.

I don't know whether you have a church - or belong to a service club that might be useful to you - but I do know that in my province there is an emergency HELP LINE.  If other routes haven't pointed you in helpful directions this one might.  Over the years I have heard several people say they got help from that 'friendly ear'.  It could be they know how you can get some of your chores done. 

I feel a bit useless right now - if I lived nearby I'd do something practical like popping over, giving you a hug and taking away the dirty laundry and returning it clean.  I could quietly wash dishes and wipe up the kitchen.  I;m sorry it can't be ME doing these things - but it definitely sounds like you need someone to help with them.

((((((((((((more hugs for you sweetie))))))))))))))) - stay in touch as you can

Hi Mists

First of all your feelings are normal. Your situation is quite intense at the moment.

No I don't think you are a failure as a wife, mother , teacher-It's just that all 3 are demanding  all at the same time.

Ditto to everything Rev. John said.

Jim's parents were helpful before. Can you let them know you need some help now?

Ask your doctor about a medical leave from work-the school bord's I've worked for allow you a set numbeer of days-60? before you go on longterm leave.

You may also choose to access a counsellor-just for yu-a safe place  to vent. Anti-anxiety or depression reducing meds. may help as well.

(2 years ago I took a medical leave from work-my doctor said it was about time with everything I was dealing with).

And then do what it takes to make your life as easy as possible right now.Paper plates, a trip to the laundromat to get caught up on all laundry at once, watching a video with Rachel, going for a walk together once each day.

Take care

Hugs to all 3 of you

Mists,

There's so much great advice above already.  I agree, maybe taking a leave might be a good idea for a little while may help.

When you've had stress in the past what helped the most?  Go back to that.  I find that some distractions some of the time are healthy for me when I'm stressed, but I also need some time to deal with the stress head-on.  Maybe that's time with a counselor or therapist, or maybe it's alone time or time with a friend.  If medication would help you cope right now then don't be ashamed.

When people ask what they can do to help, tell them.  Tell them if you could use some meals that you keep frozen, tell them if you could use some help getting laundry done or the dishes want to be washed.  Many times people want to help, but don't know how to.

We at WC care, but there's not much we can do practically to help.  I'm sure there are also people in real life who care too.

Lots going on Mists - and lots of good suggestions here - I have none to add.

The harder one tries to avoid something, the more powerful & overwhelming that "thing" (or feeling) becomes.  Acknowledge the situation & your feelings about it and yourself in it, request & accept help, move through this period day by day - there is really no other way to weather the storm successfully intact.   Blessings.   

Has anyone heard from Mists since last evening? 

Mists, if you are reading this please let us know how you are now - just a few words if you don't feel like talking.

Sorry.  I hope no one was worrying since I hadn't posted.  Jim's got a really bad flu right now, plus we've been trying to get things organized for him to be gone, and I've been writing report cards today.  I haven't really read through all the responses yet, but thanks for posting.  I'll comment soon.

Thank you Mists.   Take care.   ((((((((Mists))))))))

mists listen to revjohn he is a fount of wisdom also remember that you can rant here all you want.

Good Job Mists. You got those report cards done.

One step at a time!

Feel proud of what you do!

Mists

You are not alone, in this month.  And wow what a lot of stress you are dealing with.  Rev. John is telling it as it is.

Stay warm.  Why worry about washing your hair when you can have a hot to warm bath and pile the greasy mess in a bun on top of your head. Take a book and refill the tub when the water cools down.  Showers and baths are great methods of escape followed by renewal . . . I sometimes have up to three showers in a day, if necessary.  Don't knock it it works.  Eventually, your hair will get wet, too. 

Oh MistsOfSpring . . . caring thoughts are with you at this time in very overwhelming situations in your life.  May many loving, caring, helpful people find their way into your life with hands to help and hearts to care - especially to help with errands, household chores, cooking, etc. - so that your time is for Jim, little Rachael, and yourself.  .

I feel for you and the stress you are under.

I think it is time to take a leave from work.  I would seriously look at what sick time you can take.  Mental health is sick time.  and you should have some good benefits as a teacher.  Contact the teachers union to ask about access to counselling and see your principal.  they need to know the stress you are under expecially if you feel it is affecting your work.

Rachel stayed with jim's parents before, can she do that again?  Can you both?

Reach out to real friends not just us.  Tell those real friends you need help.

MistsOfSpring,

Starting with your thread title, "I just cannot do this anymore".

You know yourself better than anyone here. If you say you can't, I believe you. I know I couldn't. I would need help from friends, cleaning people... i would need work to undertsand... I would need to cry, to vent, to rage....

But, what is your this? Is it pretending to be ok when you aren't? Is it working when you can't? Is it coping?

One can get babysitter help. One can get a cleaner. One can take time from work. One can also get help in coping.

I am breaking down your post, but unable to quote like RevJohn, so bear with me.

I'm being crushed by everything right now.  If a weight is crushing, one must get out from under it. There are some things we simply cannot move away. They won't go anywhere. The added weights, that stuff we can move. Some of the weight we put on ourselves, to be the best wife, mom, friend, employee... to deal with our "it" the best of anyone... that is added weight.

I feel like my feelings are a raging inferno on the other side of a door.... that I'm trying to keep closed as much as possible... but the walls are cracking and the door is nearly bursting open.  I used to be able to vent it a bit and close it back up, but now the pressure inside is too much.  There's no way to vent them without exploding completely, and I'm probably going to blow up anyway.

In a way, they are. That is not good fire safety to know there is a fire on the other side of the door and think you can hold it back. There are times we think it is wise to open windows to vent it because of smoke inhalation, but we have to also be still thinking about the fire and the potential survivors. It may not be anything that can put out. You can however sound the alarms and get help.

I have a long, long history of anxiety and depression....

Then, this is all the more serious. It does not mean anyone could deal better with what you have come up against. It means that you know how it could manifest itself when they may not.

My husband is about to start treatment for cancer.  He'll be gone for a month and I'll be home with our dughter and I'm scared. 

A friend had to go to Toronto for cancer treatment from up here and they stayed at The Lodge at Princess Margaret. http://www.uhn.ca/Clinics_&_Services/services/pmh_lodge/
There are resources we may not be aware of, we cannot advocate when we are sick or stressed as well as we might, ask for help.... that long of a separation may not be required.

I'm already past my breaking point...I don't know how I'll get through this time wihout falling apart completely. 
Again, you know yourself better than me and so I believe you won't get through this continuing the way you are.  

I should be helping him and comforting him, but instead I'm lost. 
When we do not know how to swim we cannot think we should be rescuing others. Jim needs help and comfort, but you do too. You see "failure" on your part, but it isn't. It is the nature of things. You are lost and likewise Jim cannot help you or comfort you or reassure you that all will be well. The help each of you needs may differ and may need met by others.

Work will likely have an EAP (Employee Assistance Plan). There are counselling and advisory services available through EAP's.  

I try to distract myself. 

This is not working. It is a coping mechanism, but one that does not work.

On a personal note, the dreams, the forced washing of your hair says to me that you know you are in trouble, the same as not spending time with Rachel... It is not the same for you as it is with others who might take a wrong turn and not think twice or that may not wash their hair and say it is worry. This is different for you and I hear you saying that over and over in this post. Right? You know your habits and illness and I hear you throwing red flags.

For me, it seems you ARE triggering the alarm, here. The problem is that people here are too far away, the hose won't reach and many are not skilled firefighters. It is a safe place though... You may have done so because you feel you need to build up the courage to trigger the alarm where the firefighters around you hear it. The first step is likely calling your doctor or your EAP or family....

Some very good responsed from Kimmio, seeler, SG, and John (as always), among others.  I have nothing extra to add or to offer but moral support, as I have some knowledge of what you are going through.  My wife and I have wryly joked that soldiering on is easier when you're "dead inside" (possibly like the "emotionless auto-pilot" you referred to), but truthfully, it's always hard.  Friends and family, when helpful and available, are always a great resource to have.

I'm home from work today.  I have a headache and I'm tired and I have a sore throat, plus I have report cards to finish and I'm worried about Jim.  I just talked to him.  He's had his first dose of interferon and he's feeling ok so far; its supposed to hit him hard tonight, though, and hopefully by next week his body will adjust to it.

I've checked in to my options and they are somewhat limited.  I only have around 15 paid sick days left.  I could go on a medical leave with a doctor's note but I'd have to go on EI, which would pay $450 per week after taxes are deducted.  I'd also have to keep paying $500/month for health and dental benefits.  Our monthly expenses come to over $3500 per month, so we'd be at least $2000 short every month if I did take a leave.  I do pay towards Long Term Disability, but I don't know if I would be eligible or not.  Even if I have a doctor who says I can't work, that might not be enough to be approved, and the waiting time is 90 working days in any case.

My parents plan to come next week to help and then they want to take Rachel to North Bay for 2 weeks.  I know this will help and I know Rachel will enjoy it, but I also know that Jim wants to be able to see Rachel on the weekends and I feel badly for him that my problems are making things harder for him.  My parents have also said that they could come down and pick up Rachel sooner and take care of her for the whole month if that's what I need.  I don't know what I should do.  Yes, it would help me to be able to rest as much as I want and to get caught up on things to alleviate my stress, but I'd also miss her a lot.  She's a lot of fun.  Being alone in the house every day isn't.

I have an appointment with my old therapist.  The costs are covered by our benefit plan up to $1500, I think, so that will help.  Maybe she can help me sort things out so I can decide how to handle all of this. 

You've all offered good ideas and so much support.  I know this is only online, but it really, really helps a lot.

How wonderful that your parents are willing to help out by having Rachel come to visit them for awhile. I say, take them up on their offer to have her stay with them for the month. While you will miss her terribly, this will free you from your Mommy duties and allow you to focus on other things. Do you have any friends who would be willing to come and stay with you for a few days while she is gone? They could help you catch up on things that need to be done around the house - and take your mind off the situation at the same time.

I'm sure you've already thought of this, but I'd definitely suggest looking into what qualifies you for long-term disability. I know you have to wait for 90 days for it to kick in, but Jim's cancer treatments - and the stress and anxiety surrounding them - will go on for months.

I wish I lived closer so that I could help.

Mists, I read your last post with a completely different tone than the first.  The first sounded a bit panicked and hopeless, the second sounds tired in my mind, but much more calm.  You have some options figured out now, even if you haven't made up your mind which you're going to go with which is fine.

I hope things have improved at least as much as your posts sound in my mind.  Just try to stay physically healthy now to help our your emotional health a bit!

mists, lately i have been feeling quite similar to how you describe... panic, hopelessness, despair, like i am a crappy mother and lousy wife and all round waste of skin and air.

you and i have depression.  right now, you have a very situational depression... if you were to check the list of life stressors, what you have described in your first post pretty much puts you in the top category for a stressed out person. 

which tells me that what you are feeling right now, all confused and lousy and tired and crappy... is completely NORMAL for a person in your situation.

you, like me, have this pre-recorded voice in our heads telling us that we SHOULD be able to be a tower of support for the husband, a perfect mother for the child, and a great employee all the while.  and if we fail, then that is because we are lazy and incompetent. 

i have been really relying a lot on my counsellors and therapists to get through this, and YOU HAVE TO AS WELL.  put down the computer games or whatever, and call your doctor, or a mental health hotline, and TELL THEM WHAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH.

of course you qualify for financial assistance as you go through this.  i remember that commercial for cancer a few years ago, where they showed the whole family being thrown back by a cancer diagnosis in one member... the medical community KNOWS that YOU NEED HELP TO. 

you probably feel too tired to call right now, but just do it anyways.

MistsOfSpring,

Sorry to hear you are not well. It did, however, give you time to finish report cards.

So, your work has no short term disability? You might want to check whether they are required to give the ten days unpaid personal emergency leave of absense (depends on # of employees and other stuff) Family medical leave also unpaid, is job-protected leave of up to eight (8) weeks in a 26 week period.Even though the personal emergency leave of absense is unpaid, it offers some security knowing you can take it without losing your job.

Look into your EAP for counselling, to either use first or so if you reach your benefit cap you know you still have options.

Could Rachel phone her dad or Skype with him?

My only concern with sending Rachel to her grandparents on a vaction would be that a) she understands it and b) you have something to fill the day with other than thoughts and fears...

There are good souls here to lean on or confide in and plenty who have "walked the walk" you are now on.

Good to hear from you Mists of spring,

Good that you have made appointment with your therapist.

Good that Jim has had his first treatment. (I assume he is staying at his parents-as it is closer to the hospital and they are around to help.

Your report cards are started. You will ge ttehm finsihed.

As for rachel-hmmm-You will know if having her gone (but safe and happy) will be easier or not for you. I get the not having to take care of her but also that you 'll miss her.

15 days of sick leave left. Would 1 day a week off for the next 15 be helpful? What is it-about 6 weeks to March break?

Can you ask for help at work? Would the staff make you up a food basket of prepared dinners-thaw and re-heat. The place I used to work did that for me after my daughter's accident. It was wonderful. I loved the pre-made stuff from Costco and the homemade meals both. It meant no time shopping or pre-paring just heat and go.

Hugs to you and Oh are your parents/Jim / You on Skype? It might be a way to visit.

Like LBmuskoka said, if people think you are holding up well because you are pretending to be... you may not know what is out there for support and help... Tabitha may be onto something about folks willing to send you food for one to just reheat. I mean it is basically like sending leftovers  =)

I'm glad to hear you're considering some options and resources for help Mists. If you are in a union, I might also suggest to talk to your union rep about what your rights are/ what the process is regarding LTD or your benefits package (employers themselves usually don't remind people of them too often). Sometimes there are compassionate care benefits too.

Hugs

Mists, I'm sorry to hear of your circumstances and can relate to the anguish I hear in your opening post. I'm glad to hear a bit of a glimmer of light as you begin to imagine how things will look. 

A few years ago, I had a series of events in my life that almost pushed me right over the edge - I can so relate so want to encourage you as you go through your days. I did go on medical leave and the waits for benefits were an added stressor, for sure. Had I not gone on leave, I'm not sure how things would be for me today. 

Please stay in touch...

MO5

MistsOfSpring - thinking of you today, with caring thoughts and concern.  I know that when I am not in a good place mentally and emotionally I find it hard to reach out to someone for help - sometimes I need to be prodded to do so.  I am encouraging you this day . . . to reach out . . .

Your post here is a start - we can offer support and encouragement in the typed word.  I encourage you to reach out . . . to those in your family, your neighbourhood, your work place, your community, medical health professionals . . . reach out to others for help, and reach out to God as you understand him/her in your life for strength, help, wisdom, and peace.

Peace be with you,

I am so glad that your parents have offered their help.

Could a compromise be that they come and stay with you for a week or two.  To help with Rachel but also to help with you.

To feed you , do laundry, cleaning, and to "mother" you.  then perhaps they could take Rachel for a "winter vacation" home with them while things are still so hectic.

As someone said up thread , skype is a god send for long distance phone calls.  Add it to your computer, it's free, if you don't have it though you might need to purchase a camera for the  computer if it is older.

but even with out the picture it is a free phone call computer to computer.

Sick time is meant to be used so if you feel too ill to work then take off sick. It can' be very stressful to have bills mount up but perhaps there are some options for taking short term leave, parental loans??

i woudl also like to say that you sound better, and that getting overwhelmed and panicking isn't unusual.  Being able to sit back and assess is a good thing and a good sign.

Hi MistsOfSpring,

Okay.  That is three work weeks.  I expect that weekends would not be included as paid days.  Used in bulk that should give you roughly 21 days away from teaching responsibilities.  If you can finish the report cards without using any of those days I think that would be the best use of those days.

My impression at this time, based on my relative ignorance of you and your medical history is that you may not need medical leave.  My impression is that you are overwhelmed and that if the burden can be relived to some degree then you will not feel quite as miserable.  Plus, as you point out, getting everything in place for an extended leave is not easy when you are not actually in crisis.  And avoiding crisis is the goal.

I think that is great of them.  If you could manage until then to take the paid sick days that will help.  If you can't take them immediately.  

Focus only on how Rachel will enjoy it.  Do not sabotage what you are trying to accomplish.  Speaking as a husband who loves his kids let me say this.  One day the kids are going to grow up and my beautiful daughters are going to find guys or gals that they want to spend the rest of their lives with.  My wife is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with.  If your husband is as typical as I presume myself to be he will miss the chance to talk with his daughter.  He will not regret having you to himself.

I suspect that your husband is wrestling with a fair bit of fear.  That is normal.  It is also something dad's try not to let their kids see (we want to look something like superheroes even if we don't have the ability to fly or the standard physique).  With our wives we can let the screens down and let real emotion flow.

If you can help him with that you have earned the title of superwife and never have reason to feel like you let him down again.  I can well imagine that hearing his fears might provoke some of your own.  I think that is fairly normal.  If it is threatening to your well being I trust your husband to know that.

If neither of you have words cuddling and crying communicate enough.

That is an incredibly generous offer.  Two weeks is great.  Four weeks is twice the greatness.  I'd take them up on that because I'm sure that if you felt stronger sooner they'd bring her back to you.

Fun is good.  

Not when it comes at the expense of one's health.  Right now you worry about your daughter and you have expressed concern about adequately parenting her in the present.  This offer takes her concern out of your hands and is, I believe, a generous bit of parenting on your part.  Your daughter should not have to suffer because you have reached your limit.  A month with Grandma and Grandpa doesn't strike me as suffering.  Unless they plan on feeding her liver and onion for the month.

This is very positive news.  Seing as how you will not have to spend time building the doctor-patient relationship from scratch the two of you should be able to move very quickly to address your most pressing needs.  I hope you enjoy success in this part of your care.

I'm glad for the help we have been able to offer.  Be well.

Grace and peace to you.

John

O Myst.....

Your husband is dealing with a serious illness so I think its quite natural that you feel like you're falling apart. Other people have walked in your shoes and had the same feelings so you're not alone. You're not inferior to others. I can only offer a prayer that  may soothe your nerves a wee bit. Everything is lousy right now but it will get better.

" I surround myself with Light and Love;

The Christ Light of Love and the Christ Light of Protection,

That only good may come to me and go from me.

I ask for this protection and I accept it,

In the Name of Jesus, the Christ.

I know it is done and so it is done

With every beat of my heart.

(The World's Greatest Teachings - Karita Lourene)

I pray that you will all be rocked  in the cradle of God's healing love and care. I would also like to say that I'm sure Jim knows and understands how difficult everything is for you. Be gentle with yourself and don't go beatin' yourself up.

P.S. I'm not sure you should send the little one away for too long. Kids are great to keep us up when we're feeling down.

Edit: MistsOfSpring: I'm sorry I have spelled  your name wrong.

Hi Mists,

I'm really sorry to hear how rough you're feeling. That's wonderful your parents are  taking Rachel for 2 weeks. That will be good for you. I remember when I was depressed with postpartum, my son was 2 or 3, my mom took him for a week and that was soooo helpful. A weekend, even a day was heaven sent.

Another thing I do is flop out on the groud where no one will see me, stomach down, and let my stress and sobs soak into the ground, or whatever I need to do at the moment. SOmetimes just sit by a brook and listen to it, imagine it taking my woes away, doing me good, washing my soul. Any flowing water will do, maybe there's a rivulet or some flowing trickle near your place.

I understand about your child's needs too. Like RevJohn said, they need you more when you can't do it. I found you have to hand the child over to someone else sometimes, and other times, you can just hold your child, it will make her feel loved, and you can tell her that Mommy feels sad right now, and that it's not her fault. It will make you feel better too, even if you cry. This will be a relief to her.

When we have been in financialy undoable situations, we have moved house. We've done it several times. The most significant was when I found us this really dirt cheep house to buy in ALberta. We moved back there for the second time. I ended up not liking the area, but I liked the house, and it turned out for the best financially, and a move gives new hope and opportunities. Gets you out of the rut.

So maybe moving would help you too. There's always something else out there, other possibilities, other lives you could lead.

HUGS ((((Mists)))). Tears for you.

Another thing I was once told is that you need a plan. A plan, a goal, is the ticket to feeling ok, and gives you strength.

A plan does give strength.  I've made one tonight.  I set up a calendar and marked off holidays and PD days between now and the end of the year.  Of 22 weeks left, 1 is March Break and 8 others are 4 day weeks, leaving 13 full weeks.  My parents will come on Sunday and stay until the following Sunday so Jim can see Rachel this weekend and on Saturday the following weekend, then they will bring her up north for 12-14 days.  After that they will stay for a couple more days to see how Jim is doing.  They will also be up at Easter for sure.  Jim will start his radiation on the March Break, and according to the radiologist he shouldn't be feeling any side effects from it because of the area being radiated.  Things should be easier again once he's home and functioning. 

I have also always had my most difficult time of year in the winter due to seasonal depression, which usually starts to improve around mid-Feb, and with report cards out of the way I won't have to think about them again until the end of May.  I also realized that I feel much more comfortable with my social studies and science curricula this term (Canada, Rocks & Minerals, and Habitats) so that should also be less stressful.  So, although right now is really tough, I'm moving towards spring when I can get outside more and exercise more and just generally feel more positive.  I also calculated what the impact would actually be if I had to use up all of my paid sick days and start taking unpaid sick days; each unpaid sick day would mean a loss of about $350, but I still have at least a dozen left before I get there and even if I have to take 10 unpaid sick days, I'll only have to borrow $3500 in total instead of the $2500 per month that I'd need to break even on a longer leave on EI. 

I took the past two days off work and that helped a lot.  I got my mind working again instead of being in complete panic mode.  I had planned to go back on Wednesday, but Rachel decided that she would start throwing up again, so I'm home at least one more day and I plan to take her to the doctor because she had a stomach flu last week, then she got a chest cold with a really bad cough that never quite went away, and now she's throwing up again (4 times so far).  To be honest, I'm feeling kind of nauseous, too. 

I should get to bed now.  She's been asleep for about half an hour, so maybe she's stopped throwing up finally.

(((((((Mists of Spring)))))))

The only thing I would add to the good advice above is don't be afraid to ask for help and don't try to do this alone.  Don't beat yourself up.  You can only do what you can do.   Increase your resources.  If you can afford to hire a housekeeper.  Let your friends and family help you.   I have studied a lot of about grieving and stress in the last few years.  It is worth it to hire someone to do the snow for several months and clean the house.

And btw I would be honored if a friend of mine phoned me and asked me to drive their daugther to see her Dad one weekend.  So don;t feel bad about asking.  

Wishing you a good weekend as you and your wee one visit Jim. May the weekend be restorative and relaxing !

SOmetimes I think, your body gets ill just to force you to take a break. This is a good thing.

Good plan. You've got your numbers totted up really well. Your monthly expenses sound pretty high though, especially the health plan.  I don't get why you have to pay so much for your health and dental... When I considered getting Blue Cross it was something like $80/mo... but I can't quite remember. Is there anything you can do to reduce your expenses? Cheeper car? Cancel the tv and just rent and borrow videos? SOmetimes cancelling something gives you some peace and breathing room. Living simply is a remedy for stress.

Another thing: get as much sunlight as you can. If you're at home doing something statonary, place yourself in the sunlight at the window. The rays improve your mood. I know this is true as I've done it myself. Even taking a half hour out/day for "medical reasons" (that makes it essential) to lay in the sun and do nothing. In the winter this has to be done in a sunny window, but once it's 16 or 17 degrees outside and sunny, you can lay outside. It's warmer on the ground. Sunshine on your face is really good for your mood. It does something chemically in your brain. : )

Exersize too, for mood. I find once I've walked 15 minuits at a good pace, I start to feel like I can handle things, and things are really not that bad. The added oxygen in the blood I think, and it enters your brain, refreshing you. A half hour speed walk. Good stuff.

My health and dental benefits are paid by the school board while I'm working or on paid sick leave (or on maternity leave, even though that isn't paid), but if I took an unpaid leave I'd have to pay for them myself and they charge $500/month.  I never looked in to any other ways to cover expenses, so maybe there would be a less expensive alternative if I did have to take a leave.

Yes, try Blue Cross, or if you have BCAA (or equivilent) they also offer medical/dental plans. Or otherwise, what all do you need the coverage for? Do you have a lot of dental work done? Or do your husband's treatments not get covered under the provincial medical plan? Do you have monthly perscription costs that are higher than the insurance fee?

We have only ever had a medical plan when a job has included it. For us, we've found that our dental expenses are not as high as the monthly plan fee would be. A check up and cleaning every couple of years, hubby gets the odd filling, extraction, and x-ray. I've been lucky with my teeth. Our son's stuff is covered by the province, except the orthodontics, which I was lucky enough to have help for from family.

My EffexorXR is about $150/month, I think.  Jim's maintenance phase of Interferon isn't covered, though, and it will be between $2000 and $3000 per month without coverage. 

The hospital can often help you to apply for special government coverage for the chemo meds - ask the social worker for assistance.