Mists, I am no expert in grief - far from it - but this range of emotions sounds pretty normal to me. Is there anyway you could take your paperwork with you and go and stay with your parents and Rachel for awhile? I suspect being around her would be helpful for both of you - and this way you'd have your parents taking care of both of you.

Has anyone told you lately that you are amazing? Because it's true - you are. You have been dealing with an incredibly tough situation and have been doing it with such grace. 

I thank you for allowing us to be a part of this journey with you - it's a real honour. I think of you and Rachel often and pray for your well-being. 

My heart tells me that Rachel and her Mommy need to get back together again as soon as possible. I agree with Somegal ... your roller coaster of grief is to be expected and I, too, wonder if you could spend some time at your parents' place. Or could they come to you and stay with you for a little while?

But please don't perceive this as criticism. I know you feel depleted right now and need to get stronger.

Have you posted anything about the funeral? I remember reading that you were struggling with what to do about it.

Well said!

Mistsofspring, everything you wrote reminded me of that first year.  It is indeed a roller coaster.  It will get better.  Keep telling yourself that and keep telling yourself what Somegal said above because it is true.

Trust yourself, trust your instincts.

You will lose someone you can’t live without,and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. And you come through. It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly—that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp.
      Anne Lamott

Caring thoughts are with you and Rachael.  Although possibly painful and difficult figure out what the priorites are and what really needs to be done, and do them . . . and leave all the rest for another time.  Allow others to help where and when they can.

One day at a time . . . one step at a time . . . you cannot rush grief . . .   Your loss of Jim will never go away, but living without him will become "not as awful" as time goes by.

Thinking of you,

Thinking of you Mists and understanding some of your struggles.  Our mother passed away Easter week-end.  She was 102 and so we celebrated a life well-lived.  Her grand children and great grandchildren did some wonderful tributes at her funeral.

In your case you lost a dearly loved husband way too soon.  It is natural to have many confusing emotions.  Hopefully you can re-unite with Rachel soon because she needs to be with her mother.

The paperwork is demanding....my brother and I are sorting through all the things that need to be done and it is emotionally draining.  I hope you have someone who can help and guide you through this.  Get some legal advice if you need it.

Please know that others care, and the people here will continue to support you as you walk this difficult journey.  Take one day at a time.   Believe it or not, time does heal and the pain will lessen.

gentle gentle hugs.....

Rita

I've wondered about all that paperwork before.  You think we could have a better system where someone doesn't have to deal with all of that while grieving.  One where maybe you make one phonecall and then it's just wait a little bit and everything occurs automatically.

Mists, I have you find the right situation for you where you get to be with Rachel while getting all the support you both need right now.

Gecko, sorry to hear about your mother.  She had a long life, but it doesn't always make sayign goodbye easy.

Thinking of you in your recent loss of your Mom also gecko :)

Grief is a real roller coaster and takes time.  Once you get through the first year ad have passed all the "firsts" alone it gets a bit better i think.

Death paper work is time consuming.  The worst part seems to me to be the taxes you have to file next year.

You can do it with more or less one phone call.  There are companies that deal with it but it costs.  I think about $400 so it's not necessarily worth it.

If you aren't working, I would go be with your parents and Rachel and then perhaps ask them to come down for a bit too.  The you and Rachel can start to pick up the pieces of a regular routine.

Thinking of you often

Mists,

It may be of little consolation now, but there are so many of us that can relate to that rollercoaster of emotions that first year brings....

The mood swings are so bewildering that there are times when you feel that you've lost touch with who you are.

You expect the tears, the sadness - but, in my case anyway, the irrational anger directed at the most unlikely people, was confusing.

I didn't expect that amid all this that there were moments when I could laugh and feel relatively "normal". But, instead of feeling good about this, I felt guilt.......

I didn't expect to feel so tired -I seemed to be perpetually exhausted.

There is a lot of paperwork to attend to, so perhaps with Rachel at your mother's, you could make a start on that?

With hindsight, I think the best way to come to terms with grief, is to go along with it -and not try to fight it.

Accept whatever emotion you're feeling, knowing it's right for you on this day, at this time.

It's a way of being kind to yourself, and you have a special need for kindness right now - from  others, and from yourself...........

By giving to yourself, it will be easier to give to Rachel -who will need your love and support so very much.

Take one day at a time - that's more than enough to be getting on with at this difficult time..........

Geck,

My condolences for the loss of your mother.

She lived a long life -and part of you knew to expect it.

But, inside you, there is still the little girl that both loved and depended on her mother.

I suspect there'll be moments when that forgotten child comes into focus..........

my heart goes out to you all and the families of those who are in suffering from a loss of a loved one.

Mists. I think the mixed emotions you're going through are perfectly normal, and you're handling things amazingly well. My thoughts and prayers continue to go out to you and Rachel.

As somegal said, thank you for sharing with us all that you have been going through and feeling. It really is an honour.

Sounds pretty normal Mists

But I echo the advice above-If you aren't yet back at work-Can you go up North and be with rachel and your folks?

MistsOfSpring,

don't let anyone tell you what you should be feeling or thinking.  You will feel what you feel and think what you think for as long as it happens.  There is no schedule for these things.

Scream when you want to scream, cry when you want to cry, laugh when you want to laugh...it is all what it is.

You also can have as many different 'funerals'/some call them celebrations of life/witnessings to him as you want.  Private, public, scripted, non-scripted, religious, non-religious...

Feel free to let er rip at death!

Mists, I've been wondering how you're doing. I agree with others who talk about the unpredictable nature of grief - and hold you in my thoughts as you embark on this path...

Hi MistsOfSpring,

I would expect that to go on for some time.  The longer into the ride the fewer and further between the extreme ups and downs will be.  It is also a fairly long ride.

All of this is par for the course.

Which is the roller coaster nature of what your life will be like for the next year or so.

This is a very difficult decision to make and I commend you for putting Rachel's needs first.  So long as you are in some kind of contact with her I think things will work out okay.  The paperwork is often very complex and quite time consuming.

You should expect that this roller coaster of emotion is going to take you roughly a year to a year and a half to work through.  It can take longer or shorter depending on how well you are to adjust to new routines that will replace the routines you had with Jim.

Beware of all of the calendar firsts.  First anniversary without, first birthday without kind of events.  They will most likely take a heavy emotional toll out of you.  The wounds are ripped open again and past healing feels like it is being undone.  This isn't only going to affect you it is going to affect Rachel and Jims parents as well.

The most important thing for you to remember is to be patient with yourself especially when you feel like you are slippling back.  Grieving is a very complex process that takes an incredible amount of time and energy.  You will get through it.

Grace and peace to you.

John

Thinking of you, MistsOfSpring as you continue in this life journey without Jim . . . hope there is a small ray of sunshine in your life today.

I'm thinking of you too Mists, as you move through this difficult landscape. Treat yourself gently.

I'm praying for you Mists. I hope something happens that makes you smile today.

Still praying for you Mists.