Hi dennisreid and welcome to the cafe.

Depression is a long hard road and I am glad you are getting help.  It sounds like you have a good friend already who helped you get some needed help.

Will you ever meet a special partner?  I certainly see it as an option but firstly I think you will need time to care for your self.  You need to do all you can to improve your health ; finding a good mental health doc, eating better, and caring for your grandmother.

I don't think women want all men to be thin, just like men don't want all women to be thin but everyone should be healthy.  That may mean losing some weight, eating better, walking and exercising, .......  All these things will also help with your mental health care as well.

You say you have lost your faith and that doesn't make you a bad person at all.  That makes you one of all of us.  Faith is a journey that we are on to me.  You have perhaps taken and side detour but the path is still there in front of you.

God has not lost faith in you.  God understands that you are just on a detour.  If you reach out, God is there.

It is often helpful to just start sitting in on church services, anyone.  Try out all the churches till you find one that you feel welcome and at home in.

I had a buddy who worked in sales and who was going through something very similar and she wanted to chuck it all in and give up a successful 20 year high earning career ! anyzoo after some thinking and talking and getting the treatment she needed she decided to move on and forge ahead and say to heck with her depression , that it was not something that was going to define her life.

Instead of finding someone to like you as is.

Why not make a goal of self improvement ?

Everyone goes through depression but there are treatment options if a person is willing and 90 percent of getting better is (and you can get better if you want to ) doing the work yourself, biology does not have to be destiny you know I fully believe that people can take charge and change things.

First off maybe change the company you keep like other depressed people yes that sounds harsh but if you hang around motivated people you will feel motivated yourself having a positive self image is what attracts people to each other.

Is there anyone that can care for your grandmother if you are unable to do it yourself ? This seems unfair to me since you are a young man who has his life to live as well, are their other family members that can chip in ?

Set some goals like going back to school maybe finding something that interests you and that you are good at. ambition can be a sexy thing to some people don't just look for a girlfriend look for friends in general.

Take it one step at a  time and your life will change

Can't advise in the faith department I'm an athiest and probably got a reservation in Hell (where it's warm and you can have bbq's all year round)

Hi dennisreid,

I'm glad that you started this thread.  I hope it is helpful to you and others who are going through similar questions.

I think lastpointe offered you some wonderful suggestions.  I'm not sure how much I can offer to you that hasn't already been said above.

I sense that you must be exhausted because you are not only dealing with your own depression, but also caring for your grandmother which I'm guessing can be very stressful task at times.  I hear some loneliness in your post, and that you are looking for some dependable friends.  While I suspect that you will meet some wonderful people here that will support and care for you, it would also be helpful to meet some friends in your day to day life that you could spend some time with.  Friends that you could go for a walk with and have a good chat.  Or someone to have lunch with in the park.  It's such nice weather right now, there are lots of great options for fun, healthy things to do.

I caution you to choose to work on one goal at a time.  I wouldn't want you to become to overwhelmed with too many life changes at a time.  My experience with depression is that it is exhausting and even the day-to-day tasks such as getting up and getting dressed can tire a person out.  If you plan to tackle all your worries at one time, it might seem like too much.  I would suggest choosing one thing that would make you feel better that you think you could do today.  Just one thing......for example go for a walk or phone a friend.  Write that one thing down on a list and put a big red check mark beside it when you've accomplished that goal. If you feel like doing something else that would be helpful to you, write it down and when you achieve that goal, give yourself another check. 

You can do this dennisreid.  I know that you can swing this around one step at a time.  You can do this!

Please keep in touch and let us know how you are doing.  We'll be checking back on this thread hoping to hear from you. 

Greetings!

Sounds like you have a few tough challenges in your life, dennisreid.  Some very good sound advice for you from the posters above.  I, too, am glad that you are getting some kind of help for your depression - continue to reach out when you need it.

Your grams is very lucky to have you in her life, as you probably are to have her in yours.  While I am sure there are difficulties and challenges living with someone who has dementia, I'm sure there must be good things for your too . . . make the best of the time you have with her.

Our journies of faith do contain the ups and downs . . . mountains and valleys.  While you might feel you have lost your faith, God has not lost love for you . . . God is there . . . again, you must reach out also.

Wishing you in your life

Hope, peace, joy, love . . .

Thinking of you today dennisreid.  Hope you're doing OK.  Pop back into this thread and say hi,  It would be good to hear from you.

You're among friends here.  I've found this place to be a great resource for encouragement and I've made some good friends.  Have you seen a doctor lately?  If you are on meds, maybe they need some tweeking.  As someone who suffers depression, I can't recommend that enough.  Treatment can make all the difference in the world, if that's what's needed.  It's worth finding out.

Kudos to you for caring for your Grandmother, but don't underestimate the emotional and physical toll that takes on yourself.  Is there anyone to give respite while you get out for awhile?

Wishing you all the best.

Dennis, everyone has offered you some sound suggestions, if I may just offer another.

The task you have assumed as a caregiver for your grandmother is most admirable, it is also very hard to go alone.  There are Caregiver Support groups that can give you support and advice check out the link below and see if they are convenient for you or if they can suggest a group closer to where you live.

Here is the link for Lloydminster Alzheimer Support & Information

You never know, you may find a friend or more there as well.

Oh and on the question of faith, not seeing the strength you have is not a sign of being bad - indeed I suspect all of us reading what you wrote see the goodness you possess.  Let yourself see it too.

LB

The time will come
when, with elation,
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror,
and each will smile at the other’s welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you
        Derek Walcott, Love after Love

You are not alone in your depression.  You didn't cause it - you can't cure it yourself.  But with seeing a doctor, taking meds, working towards goals, and trying to find the rainbow at the end of the storm, you can get through it.

Lots of good suggestions up above.  I would also suggest taking a good look at your food plan.  Eat healthy and you will feel better - more energetic.  I would suggest cutting down on carbs (bread, sweets, potatoes, sugars) and on fats.  Also try to cut out fast foods (fries and the like) and prepared packaged foods.  Get back to basics - lots of fruit, vegies, whole grains.  Don't think of it as a diet - think of it as good food choices.

Then walk - go for a walk every day - 20 minutes, minimum.  It doesn't matter whether its too wet, too hot, too humid, or too cold.  Get your walk in.   Maybe if she is physically up for it you could take Granny with you.  But if she is slow and weak, after you have built up your stemina you may find that you need to do a power walk on your own once you drop her back home. 

Then, once you've got these two things going for you - tackle a third.  Get out among people.  I would suggest church as a good place to start - go to worship - stay for fellowship time.  Join the choir if you can carry a tune - you don't have to be a great singer.  Or volunteer to help paint, or repair the roof, or cut the grass - anything that involves working with other people.

You mention that you like to play cards - does your community have card parties?  If so, try to go.  If not, perhaps you could find a few other people who also enjoy cards and get together with them once a week.

Or maybe join a book club.  I know - book clubs sound like something women do, but we have a man in our book club.  We welcome his different point of view.  Its a place to make friends - and possibly meet women.

Try too, to find something to be thankful for every day.  Something as simple as a bird on the windowsill, a wildflower, the graceful shape of a tree, the breeze rippling on the water, or a smile on Granny's face. 

And come back and let us know how you are doing.   We care.

All of the foregoing are good suggestions and I just want to make one comment - yes you can meet someone to share your life with - I know of at least one person who has done that -

Reaching out is so important - but a word of caution - before you share too much information with anyone make sure you can trust them to keep what you share between the two of you. 

Good luck on your journey and keep us posted on how you are doing.

keep us posted on how you are doing.

Yes I've been wondering the same thing

 Sadly I know very well how depression feels like. I have had it for 3 years now, and I doubt it is getting any better. It got really bad one time, and that downward period lasted for a year.

The difference is that I have never sought professional help. I haven't even been "officially diagnosed" with depression, but it is there. 

I have tried to help myself, but I think that I owe one person for all the support he gave me through the hard times. It would have been extremely difficult for me to go on without that support.

My depression is severe enough that interferes with my daily life. It is a difficult life to live, especially since my parents are not aware that I suffer. The only reason I have not sought professional help, is because of my "pride", really. I do not want to go to a ward, and I do not want any medications.

I could offer some help and tell you how I deal with my depression, if you want to know.

Otherwise, I hope you find a way to live beyond the sorrow that depression brings with it.

I understand what you are saying for the longest time i delt with depression on my own and it was helping but  recently i found i could not do it by myself.  i was first diagnosed when i was 10 and got help but 2 years ago i had a tragedy in my family and since then it has goten bad until recently.  I had all 10 symptums and was in the process of finalising my life it was a friend of mine who told me to go to the hospital and they were so helpful i am on the way to full recovery but any sugestions would be helpful please.  

I wanted to say hi to you all and thank you for your replies.  I am doing okay.  I have a complete physical tomorow.  I see the councelor and i go see a dietition on july 13.  I will update you all as time goes by and thank you for listening and your concern  :)

Good to hear back from you dennisreid.  Sounds like you are making some great steps forward.  Good for you!  I hope the physical goes well. 

I saw a dietician in January and my experience there was terrific!  She gave me some easy healthy guidelines to follow and I've lost 22 pounds.  I feel much much better and it really wasn't that hard.  No gimics, no strange things to eat....just following a healthy menu plan.  I haven't felt this energized in years and the result is that I feel like getting out and walking/biking which makes me feel better too!  I hope you have a similar experience and that life turns around for you soon.

How is your grandmother doing?

 I'm glad to hear you are feeling better Dennisreid.

I guess it is my own fear and dislike of hospitals and doctors that makes me believe that they cannot help me, but it is good to hear that they managed to help you.

And any suggestions? I always write to my best friend whenever I feel like I need some support - that helps me because I know that I can be completely honest, and get the support I need. I also find that music influences my mood more than anything, and therefore I try to avoid any... depressing songs.

Other than that, drinking tea also makes me think more positive. I have found that it is critical to think positive. I once thought only negative thoughts, and let me tell you, it only made things worse.

Oh, one more thing. I also get "self affirmations" -- very positive little messages that raise self-esteem. I search them up in the internet.

Peace and Safety to you All

Doctors and medication can help too !

Why go it alone all the time ?

 jesouhaite777, you may be right, but sometimes one has to try and face a difficulty alone, and then seek help after failing. I haven't failed... yet.

Thank you for asking grandma is doing okay she let her drivers lycence go and sold her car.  They changed her meds about a mounth ago and there has been a great improvement for now but i also know i am looking at things differently and thankful for the extra time i get with her just to see her smile again is good.    My apt went okay the dr told me i have arthritis in my shoulder but did not say what to do or what kind i am going to talk to my shrink friday and see what he think and get a proper daignosis it is like a tooth ach and with the weather my fingers are numb.

Aresthena  you are not alone if you want someone to talk to and for the longest time i was okay handling depression on my own but 2 years ago i had something bad happen to me that was just to much and last august i had to get help.

I am glad that you have gotten some help - you are facing many challenges but you will survive - just know that you have others to turn to for support.

I can sense the lightness and hope that's emerging for you.  Caring for yourself means it's easier to care for someone else.

Good stuff.

 Thank you dennisreid, but first you must make sure you are taking good care of yourself. You cannot let anything stall your recovery, or else you will find yourself not far from where you started. 

My hopes are with you.

Hi dennisreid and Aresthena,

I used to hate the idea of meds and therapy and all of that stuff that went along with treating depression, but it REALLY helped me when I finally accepted it. Yes, there are some bad shrinks out there, but there are also a lot of good ones, as well as many good counsellors and community programs, depending on where you are. It is not at all easy to get onto a different path, for any of us, but every little change in the direction we ultimately would like to go does help and DOES count for something.

I just wanted to post because often I meet people who are opposed to getting help, which seems to be partly a factor in depression (you don't want help because you are thinking negatively and hopelessly), and partly because of psychiatry/psychology's public image. There are lots of treatments available in the community, and it's usually not necessary to be admitted to hospital, if you don't want to be (of course, there are times when it is a good option, when things get particularly bad).

Keep hope alive.

Kappa, kudos for you for sharing both your experience and hope.

I wanted to let everyone know there has been some developnments lately.  My depression is getting better but lately i had a friend i was interested in i have known her for 2 years i fell hard for her but she did not feel the same way.  At first she was interested but last week she told me we were just friends and now is speaking to me very little.  I feel so hurt i wonder what i did wrong .  To make maters worse she told me she does not want to be involved with guys but is flerting with guys. How can i heal and move on she broke my heart.  I feel like such a loser and so used.

Good to hear your depression is getting better, Dennis.  Life can still be very challenging sometimes, but it's easier to face those challenges if you aren't depressed to start with.

That sucks about your friend.  I don't think you did anything wrong.  Maybe she is just "shopping around" and not ready to commit.  In the meantime, keep on being a good friend to yourself, too and don't beat yourself up.  Sometimes life just isn't fair. 

My mum used to say, "There's a lid for every pot".  I believe if what you want is someone special in your life, you can focus yourself in that direction now that you're not as depressed and have more energy. 

Maybe your friend has a friend.

Ahh that's a classic.  It happens to everyone, so the biggest thing is don't let it get to you.

I think the best thing you could do about everything here is to take up some kind of exercise.  Go to the gym, start doing some running, something like that.  It's been proven time and time again that exercise is the #1 anti depressant. On top of that, you also get the side bonus that you could lose some unwanted weight and stay healthy!  I remember when I took up running it helped me in so many ways, it helped with the depression, it let me think with a clear head, I started looking a bit better (I was always a skinny kid, but I got abs ^^) and my body just started telling me to eat better on its own, like I would get hungry more often, but I would eat less at a time, which is really healthy.

Also, there are a lot of good movies, songs, poems and other kinds of art that help you feel better.  They're out there, you just have to find them! 

Best of luck to you.

Walks in the woods is my favourite treatment for depression, but any exercise will do. Force yourself out the door.

And take your meds.

the first two questions id advise a medical councillor for.as for the third my son is a big guy and i love him .if you love your guy dont hurt him and for your fourth question i think you know the answer but if you want my advice find yoiur peace with god and youll find a kinda of peace3 with all your surroundings

I am back with a few updates.  I am steadily geting beter i am on a good antidepresant and sleeping pill 2 help me sleep.  Still not dateing slowely geting over my friend which is hard i am finding we are good friends but my heart is still heavy and one day will heal and i will date again.  I am seeing the diatician have not lost much weigh it is as hard of a batle as dealing with depression.I before christams went 2 my dr because i found some lumps and see a specialist on january 21 i am scared.  I do not know weather it will be good or bad news everyone tells me do not wory they are fat lumps but the one is growing and spreading.  I also am going 2 look for more friends but were does a person go i am not out going because of what has hapened 2 me and i do not want to go on a dateing site did that ended badly.  I just would like at this time 2 make new friends i have some good friends but i could also use someone 2 talk to

Hey dennisreid! So glad to hear from you again.

Do not worry, as long as you are trying you will not fail. You can come back here any time to talk to people.  

there is some news i am geting much beter but i go 4 sergery monday to remove lumps and am very scared i hope things turn out okay

Hi Dennis,

I notice that you live near Vermillion. Are there some activities at the college you could go to?

Lectures or exhibits or even join the gym there?

It might be a casual way to meet more people?

Thinking about you today Dennis and hoping very much for a good outcome and speedy recovery.  You've been through a lot.  Take care.

just a quick update i am doing great my depression is under control i am on a good medication my grandma is doing okay she is on an new medication for altsheimers and it has slowed the progression of the desiese. I am still single and have finaly goten over the friend i feel for but have decided to stay single meby for now or the rest of my life who knows.  i am just not ready to put myself out there and get hurt again.

Glad you are doing better dennis.

Single or not Dennis it does sound as though adding a few more real life friends to yur social circle would be a useful thing. Is there a club or group that interests you nearby?

Wishing you a lovely summer!

Dennis

Way back when, I found it hard to take advice.  I knew it would be great to meet people, but I couldn't figure out HOW a painfully shy person was goiong to do that.  Most peoplle didn't even believe I am shy because in the one area of life they saw me in I wasn't shy.  I could actually make talks before crowds just fine; it's the one-on-one socializing I have always found scary and difficult to do well enough to make others want to be my friends. 

But all that is not what I wanted to tell you.  What I'd like you to know is that depression is not necessarily forever.  I thought I was doomed to a life if depression, but one day a strange thought popped through my head when I was sitting at an intersection waiting for the light to change. The thought was "Iam happy.  At this very moment I am happy." 

I couldn't remember having had that thought in twenty years.  In fact,  I'd come to believe that there was no such thing as happiness outside of some delusional state a few low- IQ people found themselves in from time to time. 

I began telling myself that I was happy even when I wasn't, and  eventually I did come to a kind of contentment most of the time.  As I got more and more content and smiled more and all those silly things those delusional people did I realized that I was happy being single; singleness has great advantages (as well as some disadvantages).  I now feel the same about being kinda old.  Except for the aches and pains, I find old age a truly wonderful stage of life. possibly my very favorite part.

A couple of years ago I met someone to share my life with.  We met on a church discussion board much like this one.  We are and will always remain just very, good friends, and we both like it that way.  It is great having someone to live with, to talk and laugh with.  Oh, and it's great having someone to go with to those social events that scare me so much.  

For these last two years,  would have been happy anyway, but I am happy being part of a duo, too.  I think learning to be happy by myself made being happy with someone else possible.

I wish I could tell you the HOW of it all.  All I can tell you is that happiness is not just a myth foisted upon us by cruel Polliannas.  Two things enabled me to endure the depression long enough to find happiness--curiosity and as sense of humor. I guess you could say that I am a depression survivor.  All I am trying to tell you is that happiness is possible. I hope you can beleve that as, indeed, it sounds as though you are beginning to do.