Serena - I'm so sorry you lost your dad - I had no idea.

I know that grief seems "pointless" however it is a natural (almost bodily) process for us humans. And it is a process. It's not just one feeling, but a number of feelings that you may have to go through, and this could take many months or even years.

I think that we grieve something awful because we love something awful, and without one you can't have the other. There is a point in getting attached to people, however. It warms the heart and fulfils the soul.

We humans are more deeply attached than we realize, sometimes. And this may be what you're experiencing now. But knowing this helps us to re-evaluate our other attachments and hopefully get closer rather than shying away. Just because you "decide" not to get close to someone again doesn't mean you won't feel the closeness when they too die - and perhaps even regret. So...you might want to re-think that someday. But for today, you feel loss and you are sad. God's arms enfold you.

Serena,

We often do reevalute things after a death. That does not mean we evaluate them properly  now or improperly, just that we re-evaluate them. Re-evaluating does not mean a better or wrose evaluation. What I am trying to say, is that even a peice of jewelry can be evaluated high or low depending.... and you can get good evaluations and bad ones.

You seem to have made changes, but changes do not make us new people. They make us changed people. When we do things to fill time, they may or may not fill us. Are you trying to fill time or places inside? The techniques can be different depending on what you are filling. You can fill an eyedroppwer using a glass of water, or not. If you insert the dropper and draw up water, it is easy. If you are trying to pour the glass' water into the hole in the eyedropper, grab a towel..... It is also far different trying to fill a glass with an eyedropper.

Are you still spending time with people? I ask because of the fellowship part of church (some people avoid people in greif). Are you still interested in music? It can offer insight whether it is about greif or about church?

I understand that many times, faith is called into question and can be in many ways. My former -Catholic friends lost a child. Being told by the priest that God did it, they had trouble with their faith and the Church. Could this be about the way religion or belief was presented to you?

You asked about what the point is if people die... it is a hard one. For me, and I can only speak for me, losing or loss potential is not something I can allow to influence my decisions. I would never have a pet, they die. I would not have friends, family.... I would not ever buy a car, you could wreck it. I would not buy a house, what is the point if I get old and can't keep it up....For me, the shoulda, coulda, wouldas can eat you up.... I drive my car and do not worry whether it will last as long as we do. I will paint the house and not worry about whether we might one day move or worry forward to when we have to move to a nursing home or that this place becomes too much or that it is far too empty if one one is here... 

Death can tear families apart. It is sad, but is also a frequent reality. Parents who lose a child, may divorce... families may fight over inheritances....

The lesson you said you learned, about spending more time... is it just about putting more time in? Or is it more about making the best of the time we have? (sharing what we do not share, saying what we leave unsaid, letting them be more of our life and being more of theirs) Unfortunately,  like you said you cannot change things, as far as your Dad goes. Can you change things, yourself, others.... anything? I am sure you can. What would your dad want his legacy to you to be? Maybe if you find that, it will fill time AND places.

Good luck and peace,

Stevie G

Serena, I too am sorry to hear about the loss of your dad. My dad is very ill and his prognosis isn't very good...it's such a hard time for everyone.

I, too, am asking myself similar questions these days. I know that grief can raise them for many people and I also know that it's not uncommon for people in my age group to face questions of mortality, too. Perhaps that's the experience of many coming out of losing our parents or having them go through extreme illness or even facing our own illnesses and physical weakness. For me, it also encompasses regret over some choices I've made but nevertheless it strikes me that it is all rather pointless to wrestle with questions of our meaning and other spiritual matters. It doesn't feel like depression but it is uncomfortable. I take faith in the knowledge that many have walked this path before me...that whatever I am going through, is a shared journey, in spite of how lonely it feels.

I can only offer those feeble words in response, Serena, that you are truly not alone.

I should point out that my Dad died over a year ago.   Sometimes though it feels like it happened today.

I no longer feel invincible or young.  In fact I feel very old.  The fact that other people are feeling old and alone with me does not make me feel better.

I think people in grief are alone.  Actually, I think people not in grief are alone.  Everyone is alone or in danger of being alone quite suddenly.

I go to work.  I have taken up bowling and that is a social activity but that is over for the season now.  I am not interested in music anymore.

In the physical sense, I agree, and that's a really hard reality. Metaphorically, I find comfort in the idea that many have walked this human journey before me (complete with its joys and deep sorrows), many walk it now and many more will do so in the future. I think of it as akin to the "communion of saints"...

I'm also sorry to hear that you've lost interest in music -- you and I share that experience, too. Some years ago, following a major loss in my life, that happened to me and while I enjoy a piece of music once in awhile now, music is still linked to my grief and I avoid it. I keep hoping the pleasure it brought me for many years will return.

I don't know much about this but I have heard people say that "Grief Share" group has been good for them. Might that be an option ?

 Serena, have you talked to anyone professional about your grief.  It sounds like you're doing the right things.  (I've heard "fake it until you make it", basically act like you're feeling ok and then the rest will follow.)  But some of the things you mention, particularly the loss of interest in some of your previous activities and interests may be warning signs for depression.  

I did have a few grief counselling sessions last summer.  I told her about my loss of interest in music but she did not seem alarmed.  She said it was normal for our interests to change when we age.

Griefshare begins in January and ends in April or May.  If you do not sign up in January you are out until September when it starts up again.

I am faking it till I make it.  The problem is that this empty feeling inside won't go away. 

Some times are worse than others and some are better.  This week was a Easter and a week off from work so I had more time and it seems empty time is an enemy.  My family did not do anything for Easter again this year.  Birthdays are not being celebrated anymore. 

I know the answer is to get married, have my own family and do all these family traditions that I lack with my new family but that is easier said than done.

Hi Serena - it's a long road to journey, after some body you love dies.  It's only been a year for you ... some would say that's enough ... get over it.  But really it often takes someone much longer than that. 

After my mom died, lots of chaos came to our family.  I realized what an important job she did all my life ... keeping the family together, and making us all feel so special.   It became apparent that my dad clearly had no clue about being relationship with his kids or grandchildren.  It was a time of lots of anger, hurt and sadness.  It took me a number of years to come to terms with the situation, and to reach some sense of forgiveness that my Dad was just clueless - and certain he was right about everything -  not necessarily malicious.  

In terms of family celebrations ... I think we have the family we're born into, and a "chosen" family.  My chosen family is the one that's there for all the birthdays, celebrating Christmas & Easter, sharing an occasional long weekend etc. - they're a few long-term friends who I love having in my life.   It doesn't require one to be married to create that circle of new traditions ...

Holiday time is always so emotionally loaded, IMO.  So that's over for a while. 

Perhaps with this spring  sunshine, some new interests and new friendships will bloom for you - if you let them.  Be a good gardener ...

Personally I would say she gave you bad advice. 

It is typical in the early stages of grief to lose interest in activities you previously enjoyed, particularly if those activities were associated with the person you have lost.  It is not so typical to continue to experience these feelings persistently after such a length of time.

I would reiterated Kenzie's comments that there is more here than grief.  It could be depression but it may be something physical that was masked by your grief.  A physical exam and find another counsellor - ask other people for recommendations - is what I would suggest.

I would also add there is no "normal".  Everyone will experience the loss of a loved one differently and how each of us copes with it will also be different.  I can tell you what worked for me but it may not work for you.  I can also tell you that 20 years after the loss I still have moments of profound sadness and view that as perfectly "normal".

Wishing you peace, Serena,

LB

Tearless grief bleeds inwardly.      C. N. Bovee

Greetings!

As many have mentioned above in one way or another, each person's loss and grieving process is different from anyone else's.  I think for you, Serena, in the loss of your father, and in your grieving process, at some point you may need to do some seeking as to whether you are still in only a grieving process (which can last a long time for some) or whether, as some have suggested, that you have moved from grief and loss only, into grief, loss, and depression.  I am sorry for your loss of your father.

If I understood your comment about Easter and birthdays, I find it sad that your family is not celebrating the holidays and occasions that they once did.  I hope in time you do all get to the point where you can find joy in life and in the living and once again want to celebrate one another.  Sometimes we do not continue to celebrate in the same way as we once did, because it is too painful, or because no one has the energy to do the things we used to do, and so sometimes it requires finding a different way of celebrating the things that give cause for celebration.

You will always miss your father, Serena, hopefully someday the stark, gut-wrenching pain will become less, and your memories of him will bring more of the smiles and laughter, and less of the tears and sadness.  I hope that those who remain in your family will be able to find joy in the relationships with one another despite the loss of one so dear.

Take care of yourself, Serena, and seek help from others as you grieve . . .

Hope, peace, joy, love ...

Greetings!

I think one of the things we learn as we experience death of a loved one or loved ones is a deeper understanding of how fragile life is and how in an instant life can change.  After each loss I have experienced I have been reminded of how final death is (in this life).  After each loss I have experienced regret at not spending more time . . . doing something more . . . asking more questions . . . etc. ect. with the one I have just lost.   I often wonder if I have really learned through my past losses - am I making a difference with those that are still with me?  Will I be wishing some day I had spent more time with a sibling, a cousin, a friend, when they are gone? 

Thank you, Serena, for reminding me that it is important to do, say, be, all the things I want or need to with each person that is close to me now, today . . . cause I don't know what tomorrow might bring - in their life or mine.

Peace be with you,

Hi Serena.  I lost my dad 6 and 1/2 years ago.  To write that down i really had to think about it.  To me, it was last year.  I am actually amased that so much time has passed.

He is still so important to me.  when I mention something about him to my kids of hubby, I can be right in tears.  For instance my dad loved silly April fools jokes.  The type of   " quick , I see a fox in the yard....  April fools"  he always did it, we never were fooled and yet, when I do it to my kids I almost cry.

Grief takes time.  It takes talking.

one of the things i realised with my friends was that after a few months, they really didn't want to hear about him.  I think they figured i woudl be over it.  I found so much support in a grief counselling group.  Our minister actually ran it, about 10 people and him, but there are other options out there.  Call your public health department and ask.

One common feeling we all had was the need to talk freely, without fear of rolled eyes , about our loss.

I am sorry that the changes you have made are not filling the void for you.  And i am sorry to hear that music has dropped from your life.  I agree that the therapist made an odd statement when she said that we change..... 

For me, the first year of my dad's death was a total blur.  I am sure I cried ini church each day.  When we sing one of his favourite humns i still tear up. 

and I don't think it strange.  I am actually glad that he is still so alive in me.  I think that when i talk about him to my kids i am helping keep him alive in all our memories.

My minister told me it would get better with time and i really didn't think it would.  And yet it has .  I still cry, right now i am in tears remembering him, but mostly I remember him with love and laughter.

I worked hard to remember his voice.  I was lucky.  When he came to visit me in Toronto, he always smiled when i opened the door, gave me a big hug and said  "hello love"   I remember it well, think of it often and cherish it.

So i would advise you to find a group to talk with.   Perhaps suggest your minister start one if you can't find one.  and cherish your memeories.  Store them carefully in your mind.  and know that with time those memories will be easy to visit with.

keep doinig things you enjoy and pick up your music again.  The strong emotions of music will hurt but it will also allow you to express your pain too.

Your father is with you Serena if you keep him alive in your heart

Ok,I honestly wanna say god made people to love one another and to get attached because with some1 else u can fulfill your life better.god takes ppl when it's there time it's not personal it's life.but by going to church and by having a relationship with god when you due the ppl u were attached to but lost will be there waiting and u can spend eternity with them,u know ppl asune hell is a place where demons torment u,it's accually angels punishing the wicked,it is a place of eternal pain and suffering it's worse then imaginable and I'm not ganna say any1 is going to hell but if u don't have a relationship with god u are not going to heaven.it's never personal with god when he takes some1 u love.its obviesly just there time,so get close to god and have relationships get attached because that's the onlyvway to truly live life,and I'm sorry about your dad...

hey serena,

i'm not gonna try to sell u anything u don't want, but from the title i assume u'r lookin for some meaning to things. reading from ur original post i would assume that u also assume that there is (or should be) a point to things.

now forgive my bluntness but i dont want to use up anymore  of ur time than i have to as from our mutual experience we can at least agree that "time" does seem to be quite precious.

i will further push this point a little bit as it seems that quite honestly what "time" we have does not seem entirely to be within our control...

indeed what this boils down to is with what we do have (time) must be put to good use, and ultimately we are the judge of what has any value in our lives.

this is the crux of the matter, what do u value? anyone in our modern era must have at least been exposed to the concept of "free will" and it's oft grander associations.

but outside of the whole religious packaging one must appreciate this concept when u r faced with life experience and what meaning they bring to u.

in this life, here on earth, u r the ultimate judge of all things that come before u..

what i say to u here is a beautiful truth that too often is thrown in the cliche pile. things only have meaning if u feel it does, our minds change all the time, truth itself is at least in our subjective world under our absolute mastery and power while we r living in our own lives

but this all comes back to our original question which is the key to this funny puzzle

what is the point?what is the meaning?

to be able to ask means we believe that there is a point, that there is meaning. this is true only because u urself assert it so, and therefore it is. the rest of the time, however much u might have, is up to u to define how meaningful it might be according to ur own progressive and evolving rules

just think of kids in a sandbox, they can play with whatever, however but time to go is often not their choice lol

oh and on the thing with getting to know people, just my opinion of course, imagine all the good times u have with someone or even something, and then imagine that none of that could have happened at all, it was barely ever in ur power to make it happen at all anyhow,( i mean u didnt make the universe, the earth and humankind and this and that) but u did make the decision to have that experience and if it felt good and wholesome then the price of missing it only reaffirms how much it really was worth.

anyhow i hope this at least was entertaining