MistsOfSpring - caring thoughts are with you and all those who walk with you at this time.

You continue to share with us this most difficult part of your life journey.  And our hearts go out to you at this time of pain and sadness in your life.

I have never lost a husband through death and so I cannot even begin to fathom what you are going through.  And if I had, I recognize that your grief and what you are dealing with is unique to you and your loss of your husband, and does not match or line up with what others might have gone through.  Because of it's uniqueness you must and will find your own way.

Perhaps other widowers or widows can comment, but one thing I've heard those who have lost a spouse talk about is that they have been cautioned not to make extreme life-changing decisions right away, but to give some time in this grieving process.  Again, I have not been there, but there may be others who might comment on this particular thought.

Thinking of you this day, MistsOfSpring,

Hope, peace, joy, love . . .

I don't think this is the time to make major changes.

I do think it is the time to give yourself an opportunity to grieve and the rollwercoaster you are on is part of grief.  It isn't a linear process at all.

I would sit down with an account if you have one and look at finances and the futre.  Not now but perhaps over the summer when there is a natural break from teaching.

As a one income family now you have real issues that can't be ignored. 

If you wish to pursue a more artistic life then where can you afford to do it.  How will you support yourself during that time.

How much do you need to save for Rachel, for retirement..........

Then how can you make the required money.

Perhaps it isn't necessary to teach, though the salary and benefits are important.  Working for yourself is a big expense when you fa ctor in the costs of things like dental care.  Maybe it would be better to relocate to a small town, home to your parents.  Maybe you can llive with them again and share the raising of Rachel.

there are lots of potential plans but at this point I personnally wouldn't be changing anything dramatically while you are still in the very early stages of grief.

My friend whose husba nd died at 34 was probably 2 years before she got anywhere like back to "normal"

i have to second lastpointe on this one, mists...

after a HUGE stressor like the loss of a life partner is NOT the time to be making major changes in your life. 

now is the time to grieve, and all these ideas are simply a part of that.  to act on them at this point is never a good idea. 

you simply need more time to grieve. 

Mists - do whatever feels right to you, but do it with some sober second thought. Talk to people you trust and ask them for honest feedback - especially with the job stuff.

You mentioned a desire to spend more time expressing yourself creatively - have you considered seeing an art therapist? Here the website for the Canadian Art Therapy Association: http://www.catainfo.ca/home.php.

As for spiritual connection, perhaps you could start with something you are already familiar with? It could be something like yoga or going to a church that you have attended in the past. If that doesn't work, perhaps going to church with a friend or family member might.

I hope that your friends and family are rallying around you right now. Let them know that you want to be included in their lives right now - even doing seemingly trivial things like going to the movies or shopping. You never know when a bonding moment might arise from one of those activities. 

Hi MistsOfSpring,

As others have already mentioned, now is not the time for big changes.  Burying a husband is a big enough change for the time being.

Your primary focus should not be "What will I do next?" but rather, "How am I doing now?"  Maintaining whatever aspects and elements of your routine prior to Jim's death as possible is the wisest course of action until you have spent time going through all of the milestones of grief that lay before you in the next year.

Writing may be an avenue that you can use in the healing process.  Drawing and working in clay may also be therapeutic for you.  Taking on causes may lead you to ignore your grief or worse, channel it into the social cause (this would be worse because then the cause is more about what it can give to you rather than what you can give to it).  More time with family and friends should be helpful with your whole grieving process.

Grace and peace to you.

John

I can identify with what you are feeling. What you are feeling and thinking and questioning  are what I have experienced and have seen other experience.

I believe humans are relational beings. We are defined as individuals by who we are in relationships, with and what kind of relationships they are.  I am what I do in life, but often we forget while doing, that we are being.    I am the son of, the husband of, the worker, the care taker.

The following two points you made, express to me what a human is meant to do. Relate to others, and co create the world with God and others. I have also come to believe that my highest calling is to create beauty in the world. Beautiful relationships, and beautiful places and things for ourselves and others.  

[quote=MistsOfSpring]

• I want to draw and write and work with clay and plant flowers...to express myself creatively and add more beauty to the world.
• I want to bond more deeply with my friends and family.

[/quote]

I too counsel no big changes yet Mists of spring/spirit of Autumn,

Grieving Jim's loss and carrying on with everyday life is enough for now.

Can you get your sleep switched around-so you are up in the day and asleep at night?

As for raisng a child on your own- yes you can do it. Mty youngest was rachel's age when I divorced and is now in grade 11.

Before you turn your back on teaching-it does offer great hoildays to be with your child. Xmas break, Spriung break and summer off-there is a real advantage to that.

You had mentioned-way before Jim got sick-that you yearned for the north.

Any teaching positions there? Is it possible for part of your teaching load to include some fine arts? Or can you take a class in painting/drawing/pottery?

Take care  and walk gently......

Well, certain things do have to change as a result of this.

Before Jim died, when he was still quite healthy physically, I was struggling with stress and depression and anxiety.  Even with Jim taking care of the house and Rachel, I wasn't doing well.  Now without Jim I will have to add more to a plate that was already very overloaded.  I can't do that and still have time to be healthy or take care of Rachel properly.  I'm not saying that because I'm underestimating myself; I'm saying that because it's simply the truth.  Teaching full time, especially with my own homeroom and all of those responsibilities, was already too much for me.  I need to cut down to part time if I am to continue teaching.

As for the finances, we were already a one income family because Jim stayed home with Rachel for over 4 years.  While I'd obviously rather have Jim than money, the fact is that I'm in a better financial position now than I was when he was alive.  I've done a lot of calculations and I've determined that the survivor benefits  I'll get coupled with certain expenses that I won't have any more (Jim's car and insurance, gas, cell phone, etc.) will mean that I'll need $1000 less per month in order to take care of all the bills.  The life insurance is $150 000; after paying off the line of credit, there will be about $140 000 left over.  I could take over 4 full years off of work if I wanted to OR I could work part time for up to 16 years if I use the money effectively.  Granted, my numbers will be off by a bit because of inflation and unforseen expenses, like getting a new car when this one is done, but I'm sure to be able to work part time for more than 10 years if I need to.

The thing that's hitting me right now, though, is that life is so short (or can be) and how much time I've spent worrying about stuff that maybe wasn't as important as other things.  The most important things for me to do right now are to take care of myself and Rachel, not just physically but mentally and emotionally as well.  I need to be my healthiest self to do that...that's why some changes are so important.  I've known for years what things help me to manage my depression best, but I haven't always done those things.  I need to have quiet time for myself to recharge, time spent in nature, time being creative.  By teaching 3 days a week instead of 5, I could have those 2 days of me time that I need so desperately to be able to give more to Rachel. 

I think a lot of the things that I want to change could be combined, too.  Like I want to strengthen my bonds with friends and family, be involved in social justice and find spiritual comfort.  That could potentially be found in a church (since I'm not currently involved in one) where I could build friendships and perform some kind of outreach.  I could take care of my health better through a walking group that goes to natural settings.  There are lots of ways I could bring those things in to my life without necessarily turning everything upside down. 

I don't plan to make huge changes all at once, but the biggest one that could come up would be moving back to live in North Bay where my parents and brother live.  It would make life much, much easier in a lot of ways, but I'd be giving up a lot to go there...my home, my seniority with the Peel board and 10 years of friends.  I want to at least try teaching part time here first to see if I can do this on my own or not, though. 

You have been thinking but it is important to remember that right now, with this massive change and the grief affecting you, that you might not make the soundest decision.

If the options that you laid out; stay and work part time or go home and work part time are the options you have then I guess the next question is where will you get the most support?  Friends or family?

I suspect that your parents will be the steadiest support as they have Rachel and her iinterests at the front of their minds. 

$140,000 may seem like alot of money but for a life time it isn't.  Look at finances carefully.  If you run through that money, what will supplement your income when it's gone.  ?

Again, I think you have a good option to take this spring and summer to regroup and rest.  I would personnally do that in North Bay.

Those sound like reasonable choices Mists of Spring-I just didn't want to see you throw away teaching entirely.

# days a week-or part time might be the answer-at least for a year or two. One cautionis that part-time often becomes short days rather thanalternate days-but that coul;d work too.

If at some point you want to try North Bay-could you ask for a leave from Peel and rent your house?

Childcare expenses will be up a bit-for afterschool care and perhaps a summer camp or daycamp?

And I'd budget in for some house cleaning help. I've often used a few hours every other week to help keep us 1 step ahead of the mess.

Once I even hired a personal chef who came in and made 2 weeks worth of dinners that went in the freezer. That sure helped us through soccer season! We spread them out over a month supplemented with other quick meals we cooked.

Just my two cents;

Do not make any major life changes for at least a one year period.   BUT doing some dreaming about how you can change your life after the year is over may be helpful in the grieving process.  You certainly can do minor things like get involved in a social justice or artistic group but don't deliberately change your job, where you live or anything that would be permanent and stressful.  Seriously I've known people who have and deeply regretted it.

Good advice to you on this thread, mists.  I think we can be lured into thinking about the future because our present is so painful.  A little of this is healthy, but allowing our pain and grief to come up in degrees that are manageable...is necessary and life affirming.  Sending soft thoughts your way...

Hi Mists, Just thinking about you today. How are you doing?