chansen
Dealing with bullies in grade 1
Posted on: 12/08/2013 12:19
Our daughter's most interesting challenge this year has been dealing with probably her first bully - someone who continuously calls her names like "slow". Given the advanced books she is reading, he's actually being very literal, because while she's bright, she's also meticulous, so she works more slowly than most of the class, but her work is very neat. In spelling contests where they have to write the word on the board, she's good, but she writes too slowly, so she never wins.
He has also, she says, smacked her on the bum. That's not good, so she knows to tell the teacher if that happens again.
We've been dealing with lots of stories about Dylan. Dylan seems to be the bad kid who has to stay inside for lots of recesses because he got too many warnings. He picks on lots of girls, and has a circle of friends among the boys who seem to like his boldness, as kids are prone to do.
And so, we've been stressing to our daughter to stand up for herself, and use some of the tools the school equips them with to deal with bullies, by attempting to work it out with them before simply telling on them.
Lots of times, when she gets off the bus, she is exasperated with Dylan, and swears she isn't going back to school. Not last Tuesday.
Last Tuesday, she told me on the walk home about Dylan being very mean to her at recess, dancing around and calling her "slow". He seems to lack originality. So, while he's taunting her with "slow", she calls him a "princess". The boys who are with Dylan are amused. They start calling him "princess".
As she's telling me this, I break out laughing. I know I shouldn't, but it was so damn funny.
Later that recess, she says she approached Dylan and offered to be his friend. He agreed. It probably won't last, but they've been fine since.
Sorry if it sounds corny, but I'm really impressed. First, she tore a page out of my playbook and turned the tables on the bully, and made him the object of ridicule. Then, while he's down for the count, she extended an olive branch.
I think that was bloody well done, and I told her so. Her mom doesn't want her calling boys names, but under the circumstances, I thought "princess" was perfect - not too derogatory, deflected the attention back to him, and made him lose standing long enough to defuse the situation and get him to realize that she'd be a better friend than an enemy, all without needing the protection of a teacher. Now, she probably wasn't thinking this far ahead, but I think she made good decisions.
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waterfall
Posted on: 12/08/2013 14:01
Excellent! Love it, I actually think this has the makings of a good childrens book. You should write it.
carolla
Posted on: 12/08/2013 16:15
Good for her in extending an olive branch - I like that.
Not to make too much of linguistics, but the feminist side of me recoils a bit - that 'princess' - an obviously female reference - is used/interpreted as an insult when directed toward this boy. Do you have any idea why she selected that word? Just curious - not judging.
chansen
Posted on: 12/08/2013 17:02
You're thinking like my wife.
Yes, she realizes that she shouldn't call boys "princess", but then, they shouldn't be calling her "slow". She seems to have chosen the word carefully to avoid insulting his intelligence, as he was doing to her, and to avoid running to a teacher. She is quietly confident in her abilities - grade 1 has barely scratched the surface of her math and reading skills, but she's methodical, so it looks like she's struggling when she's just trying to be neat. We talk about not comparing abilities and that everyone has strengths in different areas. She gets it. Her grade 7 "reading buddies", whom we met at the door on Halloween night, talk about her with wide-eyed wonder. One whispered to me, "You know your daughter is really smart, right?" One of the best things I've ever been told.
So, was is 100% textbook? No. Did it work? Hell yes. There are ways to use wit in your own defence on the playground by getting the audience aligned against the bully, but it's not recommended, and it's a skill. I didn't learn how to do that that until high school when there wasn't a playground. What made me laugh was how similar her solution was to how I used to handle bullying back then.
carolla
Posted on: 12/08/2013 17:21
You're thinking like my wife.
Yes - you're absolutely right that she did an awesome job of figuring out the situation, at a level likely beyond her years (although I'm always astounded by the wisdom of children when we just let them be!) - kudos to her - and obviously to her two dedicated & insightful parents who've instilled some greatness in her
There will lots more of these stories to come as life unfolds ... did you write it down somewhere?
chansen
Posted on: 12/08/2013 17:33
I wrote it down here. I don't think I'll forget it.
And before it sounds like I'm bragging about my daughter, my son isn't nearly as book smart. He just doesn't care.
carolla
Posted on: 12/08/2013 17:56
I wrote it down here. I don't think I'll forget it.
And before it sounds like I'm bragging about my daughter, my son isn't nearly as book smart. He just doesn't care.
chansen - my kids are 26 and almost 30 now - and I'm quite sure I've forgotten more moments than I remember - although at the time they occur, they seem indelible. I did write some down ... and it's quite delightful to come across those recollections occasionally and reminisce.
And - no worries about bragging! If we parents can't share proud moments about our kids ... well, that would be awful. Carter's got his own moment of which to be proud, naturally.
InannaWhimsey
Posted on: 12/08/2013 18:40
Excellent! Love it, I actually think this has the makings of a good childrens book. You should write it.
i endorse this suggestion :3
MistsOfSpring
Posted on: 12/08/2013 18:51
She's great! I had the same thought about how "princess" shouldn't be an insult, but I'm glad it worked for her.
InannaWhimsey
Posted on: 12/08/2013 19:06
chansen,
i knew your daughter was special when i saw her deer-feeding & leet skiing abilities
Ender Wiggin, eat your heart out
lastpointe
Posted on: 12/08/2013 19:34
Seeing my kids and nieces and nephews go through school I suspect that Dylan was actually flirting with her in a clod some way.
Clare is a pretty blonde if I remember correctly. Dylan was perhaps trying to get her to. Notice him. She has, they are friends now.
My son was engaged to be married in grade one with a little girl who was much bigger and stronger and bolder than he was. He admired her so decided to marry her. It didn't last
somegalfromcan
Posted on: 12/08/2013 21:58
Way to go Claire!
BTW - if you want to read a good kids book about bullying with Claire, I recommend one called "Chrysanthemum" by Kevin Henkes.
seeler
Posted on: 12/09/2013 23:08
My daughter was probably about the same age as Clare is now when she was physically bullied by a boy in our apartment building. He was possibly a bit younger than her but bigger and stronger and he would pull her hair or punch her whenever he met her or passed her in the corridors or on the stairs or parking lot where the kids played. She was only safe if her brother or I were around. Until the day she got mad.
She was going out down a few steps that led to the back door of the building when he came up behind her and pulled her hair. She turned on him - hitting, punching, scratching until he ran away screaming. Never again did she have to worry about him. Although never 'friends' they did start playing together in the same group.
Now I don't advocate physical violence. Clare's use of words was probably a better choice. But Seelergirl's method worked well for her as a six year old.