It seems to me it should be whoever initiated the going out for dinner.  I find it so much easier to take our adult children out than to cook at home now that I have gotten out of the habit of cooking large meals.  We can enjoy a meal and not have to worry about cleaning up afterward.  I can afford to pay. There are no grandchildren yet; perhaps my thinking will change with little ones. 

It also seems to me that it should be clear ahead of time who is expected to pick up the tab.

In my case the children have driven from one to two and a half hours to get here.  They have spent money on gas.  I provide the meal.

Chemguy's parents rarely ever go out for dinner.  His Mom hates travelling, it's been a long time since she spent the night anywhere but her home.  They usually cook dinner for us.  When it's just been Chemguy, he has made the occassional meal for them.  I've also made a side dish, or picked something up, but it's hard to do much when we don't live in the same city.

My Mom avoids restuarants most of the time.  She has too many intolerances and health issues.  She doesn't like people in her kitchen.  Our place is overcrowded and when we visit them, my Mom doesn't really like people in her kitchen.  I've done similar things like I have for Chemguy's family, but it's for my Dad and others usually as my Mom's food is very boring IMO.

We have taken our parents out for dinner together once.  That was years ago now.  If we did go out, my parents would want to pay.  I'm still in school and we're saving up for a house and my parents like to do things to help us out.  Chemguy's parents are the same, but to a lesser extent.  They feel a little bad that they haven't helped out Chemguy the way they have his younger siblings just because when he moved out he didn't live in the same city whereas his siblings did so they would get leftovers all the time from Sunday dinners.

In the future, when we have our house I know we will cook for my parents.  My mom will still get into the kitchen (it's happened with my sister and drove her crazy).  They will go out and buy things to add to a meal, that's just how they are.  I hope we can get Chemguy's Mom to visit.  I know his Dad will.  They would let us cook for them and they would probably do something like buy a dessert or wine.

lol Sorry, I wrote a whole novel!  Basically, while our parents see us as adults, they also still see us as their kids.  Maybe once they retire it will shift a little more.

It depends on the kids.....and on the parents.

So many variables:  

what is the occassion

who chose the restaurant

how much does each parent

As a Mom, I do not try to treat the kids the same, I can't, they aren't.

They don't treat me and my husband the same, they can't , we aren't.

too many variables to come up with an answer

It depends.  At one time we could afford an occasional meal in a nice restaurant with our grown-up kids and grandkids and we would pick up the tab.  If Seelergirl's inlaws came along we two sets of parents split the bill.

Sometimes Seelerboy, or Seelergirl, would take us out.  Much appreciated if we knew they could afford it.

Now it seems that we are all strapped for cash.  So it is sometimes dutch treat.  And more often than not, we eat at home. 

This recent Mother's Day I was concerned that Seelergirl wouldn't be treated (her kids depend upon her for their allowances - they can't take her out.)   I suggested that we go for lunch - my treat.  She reminded me that on Mother's Day we would need reservations.  We ended up at my place where we shared in making lunch.  It turned out fine.

I agree with Happy Retiree, the person doing the inviting typically pays within reason.  Birthdays and other holidays it makes sense for the non-honoree to pay.  Personally, I hate going out for holidays as it's busy.

Some of your children might just being more comfortable taking the role.  Personally, just because of my parents' personalities I feel awkward paying, but luckily Chemguy is just fine stepping in the way.

In order to avoid an argument when the bill comes, the person doing the inviting can arrange for prepayment and no bill is presented at the table.

I agree with: The one who does the inviting does the paying.

Currently, my parents and in-laws pay for their own and we pay for our kids (one in university, the other in her first, temporary job), regardless of where the invitation came from (which is problematic anyhow. When we visit my brother in another city, is he doing the inviting when we go out or are we?). We'll likely expect the kids to start paying their way once they become a bit more financially stable. But I've wondered if we couldn't be more generous, and pay for the parents (retired, but well-off) as well. Does it have to be only based on the degree to which one can afford the bill. The Lord's table certainly doesn't work that way.

Who is doing the inviting?   It's hard to decide. 

If someone says to me "Let's do lunch." or "How about meeting for lunch?"  does that mean that they are doing the inviting?  I persume in that case it is dutch treat. 

If I am visiting my sister for a few days she provides most of the meals, and we usually take her and her husband out once for dinner.  But if we arrive for an overnight visit, and they suggest going out for dinner do they pay as hostess, we pay as guests in their home, or do we each pay for our own? 

Daytime, we're all busy.

Neither we nor they can offord to eat out in the evening in a way that we'd enjoy. We have them for meals and vice versa; usually with the kids, sometimes not. We enjoy cooking and make interesting and delicious meals, and restaurants don't dot it as well unless it's at 5-10 times the price. So the kids get fed first, the 1- & 3 year-old are to bed by 8-9. Our 12 year-old grand daughter is articulate, musical, interesting and good company and we linger over a the meal till 10.30-11 by which time it's all "grown up" time together.

For birthdays, we sometimes pay for an evening out — a date (maybe including dinner) — for our daughter and son-in-law and babysit for them.

Restaurant tabs don't really figure in our relationship. Time together's what we want and enjoy.

I used to think that the general rule was as mentioned here - you invite - you pay.  One of my adult kids obvioulsy doesn't know this rule   and I got stuck with the entire bill after a daughter invited me out for lunch on my birthday (daughter, partner, three grandkids and myself)  - my partner was away at the time.  have one kid who never eats out (too many allergies and food dislikes),  another who thinks it is too expensive but loves to invite people to eat at their home. 

 I don't invite people out unless I'm prepared to pay (which I rarely think I can afford).   Among friends we seem to decide as we are making the decision to eat out - usually we each pay our own tab.

When my kids were younger and just getting started in adult life I/we always paid for meals out together.  Now they have incomes far larger than ours, they fly off for holidays at expensive resorts and regularly stay at hotels.  I find myself reluctant to 'help' buy paying for another luxury item like a meal out.

Kay, sorry to hear that!

In the first case there just isn't an excuse unless a wallet was legimiately forgotten or some factor like that.  Your daughter's intent should have been to pay, I can't imagine doing that!

I think the other two are understandable.

My friends and I usually pay for ourselves.  I don't see that happening with either sets of our parents, although it does happen with siblings.

I/we have been responding with "We really don't have the cash to eat out this week" when it is mentioned as a possibility.  Our patience seems to have worn thin for supporting our adult young!

Curious, that seems quite odd.

How did you end up picking up the bill?

Did you ask her when it arrived? Did she ask?

If it looked like it was presumed that I was paying, I might say, "my share is ###", and then passed it over.

I don't conduct disagreements with this person in public settings - it isn't a ditch I choose to fight in.  Easier to take note and avoid repeat situations.

Kay, it sounds like you've come up with a solution that works.

Pinga's questions are good though.  When the bill came did your daughter just pass it onto you or what?

Yes - she pushed it towards me and took herself off to the washroom saying she'd meet us outside outside.  Her partner was outside already having a cigarette.

Must have been disappointing for you kay.  As you said ... we live and learn, and do things differently in future.

It's an interesting question to me, as we're going on vacation this year with our two young adult kids and their significant others.  I've been clear with them upfront that I will be paying specific expenses & they will need to ensure they can cover others.  But when that cheque arrives at the dinner table ... we shall see!   My husband & I will have to talk about how to handle this too, as we often have differing ideas on such subjects. 

wow, sounds like she was pretty clear, with no questions required.

Yup, i would be following up with them and asking kinda like this:

Hi, Remember when you asked me out for dinner for my birthday?

...presumptions is answer is "yes

At the end of the meal, ____ went outside and it seemed you pushed the bill to me.  At the time I thought you were asking  me to pick up the whole bill, but now I wonder if I was only supposed to put down my portion? Did I misunderstand?

**** note above comment , based on response it can go a few ways.  

No, you didn't understand, what's the problem (snarky)

Yes, you did.  -- good follow-up, oh, ok, well, since I paid it, do you think you would mind giving me that money now?

My Mom pays unless I am quick enough to snag the bill before her.  It's like a game of sorts.  I have no clue if my brother ever pays for anything.

Kay, I can feel your pain.  I can't imagine an adult inviting somebody out to celebrate their birthday and then sticking them with the bill.  I wonder what influence her busband had in all this.  You say hee was outside smoking when the bill came round. - probably intentional.  

I think now you have to put it behind you.  I don't think that anything you say might cause more division between you and your daughter.  But --

Next time she invites you out make it clear up-front who will be paying.  Maybe even make some remark about leaving your purse and money at home because its heavy to carry around and you won't be needing it. 

As a parent of middle-aged children who I still seem to be helping and supporting (although not financially), I sometimes wonder  "When will it be my turn?  When will the roles reverse? When will they start checking in to see if I'm Ok?  When will they start doing things for me?  When will they start treating?  When will their gift to me be bigger than my gifts to them?"   Im beginning to think that the answer is 'never'.   But I value the relationship I have with them, and with my grandchildren, more than I value a meal out or an expensive gift.

I'm a fan of conversation.

I hate presuming.

I would rather deal with a situation and ask the person, then presume that I understand what is going on.

KaytheCurler is pouring out hurt feelings and frustration re kids.

Option1:  Talk about it with them and deal with it

or

Option2:  Take control next time and just forget about any past issues.

or

Option3:  continue to avoid the situation , without naming it, but having hurt feelings

or

?

My choice is to try to find the right time to name my confusion. Since I have been doing so my relationships have been better with siblings and parents

Seeler - I have put it behind me along with other self centred things she has pulled on me.  Nowadays I'm much more careful about what I let her con me into!  It was/is very hard coming to an acceptance that one of my kids isn't interested in what I consider normal family relationships.  For some reason she acts like she is still stuck in a younger stage of development - thinking she is entitled to great treatment but doesn't have a responibilty to reciprocate.  I really don't think i 'owe' her free childcare, meals out etc. and she is struggling with that.  It doesn't mean that I don't love her - just that I don't owe her anything and I've changed the way I respond.  

Pinga - I have tried talking about this type of situation with her.  Typically she gets 'pissy' and replays one or other part of childhood history or leaves saying I just don't understand.  I don't feel qualified to remove the pain she says she feels because we didn't take her to a Disney park.  Neither parent was interested in that type of thing - but we did do other things with the family. She is still mad at us because we didn't give her a car for her 16th birthday - after all she told us that that was what she wanted!

Most of the difficulties we have seem to be based in our different personalities and expectations of what 'stuff' we are 'entitled' to.

Like most other parents I do the best I can at any time - but I just don't feel like being helpful to her when there is basically no thanks or consideration coming back to me.  I do have other kids and we have satisfactory relationships.  (They  stopped being 'nice' to this sister several years ago and are waiting, hopefully,  for her to be 'nice' to them.)