umm ... what way?  could you say a little more? 

There is something that I've noticed that I have labelled 'Social Obfuscation', which is someone's ability to be 'invisible' socially.

It happens to my wife and a good friend of mine and it has happened to me.  I remember at least 2 times, once when I've been in a room within sight of other people and people didn't notice me, in fact, one guy actually was asking where I was :3  Or another time I was out with a bunch of friends who were having a smoke and after around 15 minutes, this one guy asks where I am...someone pointed me out to them and said how long I had been there :3

carolla:  i guess taken for granted, kinda sorta.  i know being a mom can be a thankless job, so i wonder if i'm just being sensitive.  for example, today.  my son had a pd day, so i wanted to take them to woodbine center, a mall with an indoor amusement park, since my husband has been working a lot lately and the kids really miss him i thought a day without distractions and fun would do us all some good.  my husband didn't really want to, so i left it at that and didn't mention it to the kids.  instead i planned a day of yard work.  i figured activity, fresh air and some quality time and my husband agreed.  the day here turned out to be cold and overcast.  my plans got altered and without any consultation my husband decided to take a walk over to the local bike shop to look at bikes for my daughter (just turned 4).  i stayed home since the baby (just turned 1) needed to be napped and did laundry instead.  they came home without any success.  it seems as though it was a mission for the day, so toys-r-us was going to be necessary.  they didn't want to wait for the baby to wake from her nap... which ended 5 minutes after they left.  the kids both came home with bikes (my son just turned 7).  fine.  they wanted to try out the new bikes and i declined since i had loads of laundry on the go.  i suggested a trip to costco since i needed some coffee and that was "approved" by them when they got back.  i was kinda feeling left out of the day up until then and made to feel guilty by my husband at the same time that i couldn't partake because of a napping baby and laundry.  we decided to grab a bite to eat there and we ordered a pizza.  we chose a table and the kids sat with my.  my husband got up to go and get it and my son immediately stood up to go with him.  about a minute afterwards my daughter announces quite loudly that she is going with her daddy because she loves him and not me.  needless to say, i was surprised and my feelings were hurt.  they all return with the pizza and i chose not to mention it to my husband at that moment since it isn't really a conversation i want to have in front of the kids.  obviously it's on my mind and i guess it must be showing because my husband in turn tells me that i look like an abused house wife and that i should lighten up my mood because the "depressed" look is embarrasing him.

and, so, here i am.

this isn't usually the norm.  summer is a really busy time for my husband so his schedule is tight and unpredictable.  i'm a stay at home mom who pretty much cleans the house, does laundry, wipes bums and snotty noses, colours, tidies, plans activities/camps/playdates, helps with homework, bakes, makes home made playdough, crafts, bakes cookies, etc. etc. etc.

i've addressed it with my husband before.  that the kids see me as the one who forces manners, baths and vegetables.  daddy sneaks the cereal at bedtime.  when daddy comes home "fun" things happen because daddy has the time (while mommy makes dinner and finishes chores) and it's easier for mommy to make the time with an extra set of eyes and hands when it's all done.   mommy buys things, daddy builds things.  today daddy bought bikes, which mommy okayed with daddy a few days ago, but today mommy wasn't included in it, so to them it's daddy always does cool things.

i give all i have because i love them and i want to.  but when they are all "missing" it, it hurts.  both my husband and i are no nonsense when it comes to parenting, but i guess since i'm the main caregiver it always seems the discipline is coming from me.  i think partly that's why i'm seen as the wicked witch and my husband is always the revered handsome prince.  my husband is great, don't get me wrong.  he is also a great dad. 

too sensitive?

inanna:  i totally get what you mean.  it's not that at all.  socially, it's all good.  it's more a mommy thing i guess.

Becoming invisible isn't limited to one's gender or parental status. Despite spending hours putting together the slides for worship (there goes my Friday evenings) each Sunday, many in my church thinks "the office" does this. Despite doing more teaching that the rest of my department (and having more qualifications), am I ever consulted when changes in teaching approaches comes up? So do we "suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune or take arms against a sea of troubles"? 

When all is said and done, I have found that seeking credit is a fruitless task (not to mention that it can also bring disdain - "oh - s/he thinks s/he does everything around here").  I've learned the hard way that it's usually better to make sure what needs to be done gets done - that's the task that's been set before me in life. Sure, it's gratifying to know one's efforts are appreciated, but I think such a thing would require that those whom I help would have to be far wiser than they are. I know it hurts when one's child says that they love another more, but then, they are children, aren't they?  And we love them, even when they hurt us, because one day they may have to show the same wisdom to one who hurts them. And do children really know the impact of what they say?  Many years ago, one of my children said much the same thing, yet the next day gave me a big hug when I had come home from a particularly bad day. And in an instant, that bad memory was wiped clean. And I'm sure the same has (and will) happen to you too.

But now you're making feel a little guilty for having read to my children every night. They didn't want mommy because "she doesn't use funny voices". Yet after a long day at work, making supper and doing the dishes, it was one of the few ways that I could use the little time that I had to connect with my kids before tackling my marking and lesson plans.  And now that my youngest is just about ready to leave home for university, memories of those stories are the ones I treasure the most.  There are so many things that we need to provide for our children, yet the question always remains - what matters most? In the end, we do what we can.

thanks spiritbear.  i hear ya'.  i really do.  i don't seek credit.  i just wish that washing skidders out of underwear was considered "work".  my husband goes off to "work" and my kids understand it better because he is away doing something, "work".  and i don't deny that my husband does a mean barney impression, or that he is beyond talented when it comes to sports or that he is the best ice monster there ever was.  i couldn't ask for a better father.  he is wonderful.  like i said, i just feel invisible sometimes.  the go away mommy and the i don't want mommy to come make me question why?  as i sit here writing i'm kinda thinking that maybe it's because i'm dipping into the rare and valuable daddy time and mommy time is always overflowing. 

oh, and i agree it can happen on many other levels.  i just happen to be feeling it on the mommy level.

Nancy White has a song about it called "mommy for maintenance Daddy for fun" on her Momiotent CD.

it sums it up perfectly!

(she agrees with your feelings)

i'm going to youtube it tabitha.  thanks.  let it be has been my song of choice this evening.  i could use an addition to the play list :)  i wish i still knew how to post videos on the cafe.

I think it is a common issue for moms, especially those who don't work outside the home.

You are just always there , like food is always in the fridge and it is easy to get taken for granted.

When you have those quiet talks with hubby, i would mention that when a "fun" purchase is going to happen you would like him to wait for you to go too.  That bikes are a  big issue and you want to be part of the fun of picking the right colour and the right style and to hear the excited voices in the store. 

You sound busy with the new baby and that is taking time away form the kids.  Hubby is filling in which is great but you need time with them too.

what a bout this summer hiring a teen for two afternoons a week.  One day it is you and the 7 year old alone and one the 4 year old alone.  Or leave the baby and take both kids.  DO it weekly so that they see mom as a fun person too.

A trip to the park to play on the slides is ,more fun if mom is participating rather than watching the baby in the stroller.  A trip to the lake to look for stones, lake glass, frogs..... will all be free and more fun.

Or pick one of those free Toronto activities each week and book a sitter for the baby.

and occasionally on weekends leave dad with the baby so he gets one on one time with the baby and you get to go to the Island with the kids

You are not alone with these feelings and in this situation momsfruitcake. Your feelings are real and valid. Your role as an at home mother is hugely important  and sadly often not validated by society or those closest to you. I would concur with lastpointe -- talk with your husband and tell him how you feel sometimes. Use 'I feel' comments (rather than 'you make me feel' or 'you do this ..'.).  Also rather than anyone feeling guilt (also noting your comment spiritbear), this is about listening, acknowledging and being open to shifting a few things so that you can be a part of the fun activities, so that you aren't always the only one doing the grunt work. You are likely going to continue to feel overworked and undervalued as a busy mother, momsfruitcake, but hopefully you can work it out in your family that playful, fun activities are shared by both parents, as well as some of the not so fun jobs. Your children should be able to experience both parents in both roles. And you deserve to feel valued and know that your role and work is very important. Believe it -- it's true!

This thread reminds me of a story I've seen online several times:

 

One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.

The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room, the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He ran up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened. He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled up in the bed, still in her pajamas, reading a novel.

She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and ask me what in the world I did today?"

"Yes," was his incredulous reply, half shouting.

The smile remained, "Well, today I didn't do it."

oh blast - it seems I just wrote an invisible post!!  hate it when that happens.

so momsfruitcake - sounds like you had one of those 'bad awful days' - and I've definitely been there myself, although many years ago now - I do feel for you.

Lots of good suggestions here in posts above.  I'm glad you wrote about it - because I think we women often do end up with the 'no fun' end of the stick, more often than not.   I know my husband & I had to have some earnest conversations & rejig some of the responsibilities in this regard - even then, there were times for foot stomping!  I'm confident you'll sort it out ... feeling left out, left behind is not a good thing.

sister, i am picking up what you are putting down.

i have been a stay-at-home mom for 14 years now. 

as hard as it is to see now, there IS a light at the end of the tunnel, though.  and it isn't an oncoming train.

i think you need to find yourself a talisman of some sort... for me, it was this 'budai' statue that i found at a second hand store YEARS ago... its this fat buddhist monk - many people think that his is the budda, but the budda is actually that thin guy with the little beady hair.  the buddai is always portrayed laughing, and in many cases he has children playing on and around him.  from what i gathered, the story on him was that he is kind of the buddhist 'santa claus'... he loved kids, loved to enjoy good food, but wandered from place to place and prayed as well.  it just seemed to speak to me... i think that children are really the wisest ones of us all, and it always reminds me of that, especially when they hurt my feelings with their directness.

i have one in my bedroom, and one in my minivan.  it does wonders for me.

thanks everyone *exhales*  thanks everyone for your kind words and stories. 

lastpointe, awesome suggestions, thanks :)  i will be putting them into action, especially over this busy summer.

myst: thanks for the support :)

mists: *lol*  maybe i should try that and post the reaction!

carolla:  thanks :)  thankfully reading and writing are outlets for me.  wc always has both to offer. 

sighs:  a postive visual reminder.  great idea.  the ones i have are grape juice splatters on the wall, fingerprints on the fridge and cookie crumbs in MY bed.  *lol*  i really like this idea.  i will buy one for the living room and one for my night table.  maybe i'll try a stress ball in the car.  the baby HATES the car.  she screams from the moment we get in it until the moment we get out.  or maybe i'll see if they have a life sized budda that i can strap in beside me ;)

i am feeling better today.  last night the kids and daddy were going out for a bike ride and my son was complaining that he didn't want me to go because i never let him ride too fast.  so i bowed out.  i think it caught him by surprise because his response was one that caught me by surprise.  it went something like, he was surprised i backed out because when he's bad or he says bad things i always "ignore" them in a sense (like water off a ducks back i guess).  i was in the bedroom and had the window open as they were leaving and i could still here him going on about it.  "i really wish mommy would come".  made me feel a little better and really put some of the words and wisdom of this thread into better perspective.  when they came back i got a free sample of face cream with an i love you note from the grocery store (they went to buy buns for dinner).  i also got a big "mommy!" and huge hug from my daughter when they got back.

thanks again everyone for the shoulders :)

being a stay at home mom is such an important job.  but it can be one that is overlooked by everyone.

when we first had our son, a coworker of my hubby talked to him about insurance.  It was eye opening for my hubby.

Hubby said that yes he had lots of insurance to cover his family if he died.

the coworked said, how much life insurance did i have.

He pointed out that if I died with young children hubby would need to hire most likely two or three full time nannies to cover 24/7 ( he travelled quite a bit at odd times) a housekeeper/cleaning lady if the nannies were really doing baby care, someone to grocery shop, perhaps a driver if the nannies didn't drive, certainly a second car, a yard crew as hubby would need to spend all his free time with kids......

He talked about grocery shopping, clothes shopping, care of kids, house, yard, the driving of kids to activities, the time to search out and sign up for activites, who would do all the Christmas and birthday shopping for the extended family.......

all these salaries needed to be covered by my life insurance.   In fact when kids were little i had more life insurance that hubby did

A mother is so important and so undervalued.

For your son and his bike.  Why don't you take him one day to a good park adn do some fast riding in a safe environment and perhaps be the one who finds the local park with ramps and be the one who introduces him to "extreme" riding.  At 7 he will slide gently over the ramps but feel him he is a BMX champ and you will be the cool one who found the park

Hey momsfruitcake - I think you once said you live in PC (as I do!) - our totally amazing new pool is supposed to open this Friday ... have you seen it yet?  FANTASTIC for young kids!!  So you'll have to get on those bikes & ride on over for a swim & play on the new playstructure too!   I'm wishing I had little one to take over there! 

hey carolla, yep we're pc'ers.  i haven't had a chance to peek at the new pool yet, but i'm sure we'll be frequenting it.  we're hitting the waterfront festival tonight to celebrate father's day early since my husband has to work tomorrow.

lastpointe:  i would like to enlist all that help....

thanks again everyone.  feeling much better :)

Here is an inspiring youtube video for you and your son about biking

/www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cj6ho1-G6tw