I have no mama guilt .  None at all.

Daddy guilt?  let's not ask

 None here either :)

I try to not let things build up.  I talk to my hubby about the kids.

Mess is fleeting.  If it really bothers you, and you are the one doing all the kids, school, daily stuff, then discuss getting a cleaning lady once a week to keep all the mess under control.

otherwise lower your standards of what is acceptable.  A daily toy tidy before bed clears the clutter.   Meal mess under chairs is just going to happen.  It help to quickly vacume the eating area after each meal.  Get one of those little electirc broom things that whip out easier over a vacume.

Veggies?  I use cut up veggies and dips as daily snacks ( well I did whwen they were little)  different kinds of things with yogurt based dips. 

I know you are planning on doing home schooling but I wonder if with such a young family you are feeling overwhelmed and over busy.  It is alot to take on.

Just parenting 3 kids that young is a huge job without the added pressures of school

And in all honesty without the added break of having the two eldest  off to do other things with kids for a few hours.

Maybe you just have too much on your plate right now???  That may be where your frustration with them come s from.

It is hard to parent if you feel anger or frustration towards them.  Give your self a break from all of them and some time to revel in the baby.  Perhaps you have a bit of post partum blues lagging on and maybe a visit with your doc could help.

Wise words, Lastpointe . . . P3

Nishie, my kids are grown as you know and as I look back I see that I was the worst parent, made bad choices for good reasons but my kids just laugh and say it is my imagination and they hope they can do as well.

Barbara Colorosa should have been around when I needed her. If it is not life threatening - don't worry about it.

It will all work out in the end - it always does.

Short of hitting them impulsively or name calling there isn't too much to get concerned about,  Kids even survive some smacks and name calling when they realise they are out of line!

Keep serving veggies - tiny taste along with the rest of the meal.  Don't let them know they can annoy you or get attention from not eating them or anything else.  I tied the veggies into the whole thing by serving a small meal including one pea, one kernel of corn  -  and there is nothing else until the food has been eaten.  My veggie hating kid could eat that one pea in order to get dessert.  Incientally now she is grown she rarely serves vegetables but her kids love them (even brussel sprouts). 

Sometimes I could choose to behave differently by taking a moment to ask myself how I would respond if my adult friend was doing 'whatever'.  I caught myself treating the children quite badly - being rude to them, being authoritarian when it wasn't appropriate, not giving them choices and living with whatever they chose.  When I realised the value of choice I started letting them choose within certain brackets - show them two styles of shirt in my price range - let them choose which one (if possible add color choice too).   

For yourself - get some exercise, meditate while they nap, spend some time with adults, volunteer for something you'd enjoy, sing, play music, find a hobby you can be enthusiastic about, stick your nose in a book and ignore them for a while.

Parenting isn't easy whatever route you take.  Stay home with the kids and there is frustration and difficulties to deal with.  Hold down a job and there is frustration and difficulties to deal with.  Strangely there are always people willing to criticise you for whichever choice you make!

I try to deal with the guilt over what I"m doing wrong by looking at all the things I'm doing right, if that makes any sense.  I gave my daughter a bottle at bedtime for way too long and she needed dental surgery right after her 3rd birthday.  I haven't managed to get her to eat her vegetables at all and I let her have too much junk food.  I give in to her whims too easily and I worry that she'll be a real brat when she gets older sometimes.  I spend a lot of time on the computer when I could be playing with her.  That's just a bit of what I do wrong.  At the same time, though, we cuddle and play together every day.  She barely goes 15 minutes without hearing me say "I love you" let alone a whole day.  I introduce fun and cool stuff that develops her creativity.  I'm always there for her when she really needs me.  I caught her vision problems and her peanut allergy really early.  When I look at it all together, I'm not a guilt-ridden terrible mother; I'm a good mother with some areas that need improvement.  If I aim for perfection, I'll always fail.  If I aim to just keep getting better, though, I can reach my goal. 

 MistsOfSpring, that's good advice.  I definitely zero in too much on the little things.  They ARE healthy and they know that I care and love them.  And we have a lot of fun together.  

It's true, perfectionism really gets me down.  I'm keeping it together, that's about it.  My husband says, you just can't be on top of everything.  And that is my problem exactly...  and it's what creates all this frustration and anger.  I am trying to get some time away so I can be more ready for them and everything that comes along.  And I talked to my doc to see if what I'm dealing with isn't anxiety - I am prone to that and have had bad postpartum depression in the past.  

Lastpointe, the school thing isn't actually a big deal - our academic work, at this stage of the game, takes very little time.  But yeah, I wonder about just how much I would get done or how I would feel if the eldest was in school and the middler in preschool...  I don't know, sometimes I think it would be great but then other times, I really think that my issues would still be there...  And I fantasize about part-time school, where I could put my kids in school for a couple of days a week but have them with me for the rest of the time... I wish...

Kaythecurler, yup, it's hard whichever way you go...  My husband and I keep talking about how to make this the best possible experience for EVERYONE involved, myself included.  But it's hard because I'm so used to putting them ahead of myself that, a lot of the time, I can't really identify what my needs are!!!  It SEEMS like I NEED them to be happy, healthy, well, etc.., etc.., and therefore they have to be my first priority.  But then I get angry, am short-tempered, bossy, rude, and something is clearly OFF.  

Shaking the guilt off is hard.  But, yes, perfectionistic attitude REALLY doesn't help.  Maybe if I can get rid of that, then the guilt won't be there?

Here in AB wwe have a strong homeschooling faction.

We have several programs that are as you dream about-attendence is 2 days a week, rest is done at home (a blended program) or through our home schooling location you can do 1 class a week (like gym or science) or more if you choose.

If you are interested in that option do check it out -you are in Ont. I think.

Perhaps you've zeroed in on the core issue here.  For sure, most parents want their kids to be happy and healthy - but this is not going to be a steady state.  Kids are people who have their ups and downs just like us - it's human.   And in life we learn from the unhappy times, the tough times ... so trying to make life constant pleasure & happiness for kids actually robs them of important experiences, IMO.  I know there are many who would disagree. 

Long ago I saw a T-shirt that read - "If momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy" - and I do think there's a lot of truth to that.  Keep yourself well, have some interests outside of family life - be a well rounded person and you will be way more use to your kids than a worrying, guilt ridden, perfectionistic mom.   Just my 2 cents worth!

I think my mama guilt is held in check with the living breathing reality that my daughter is a bright ball of light and love and so surely sometimes i'm doing some things right.  I get freaked out that she doesn't eat vegetabes too - baby carrots are the only ones that consistently get the nod.. and I give in to her too easily and i don't have the patience that i want to have for her (she's 4).  And on bad days, all I feel is if I'm screwing up... and that I'm damaging her... that I'm an awful mom when what i want to be is a great mom.  But at some point I realized that the difference between what I feel I'm doing wrong and what I'm actually doing is different.  I might feel as if I have no patience and am overreacting because I'm freaking out inside or yelling inside my head but rarely does that ever get outside my brain.  so i think sometimes i can pysch myself out.  if at the end of the day she's going to bed safe, fed, respected and loved - then I need to breathe out the day and head to bed too cause my jobs done.

be gentle with yourself.  being a mom's not easy.  the veggies can wait.

Tabitha!  I'm in Calgary!!!  Where are you??

No, I totally agree!  And believe me, I ain't robbing my kids of those experiences!!! :-)  What I mean is, there are definitely unhappy times.  See, part of the guilt stems from the fact that I had severe postpartum depression when my first was born - she doesn't remember this - and then again when my second came along.  So, I have a very clear memory of just how unwell and miserable I was then.  I was getting help and such, but still every day was a struggle.  These days, things are a million time better.  We have loads of fun and definitely, there are trying times as well.  No, I'm not trying to avoid the trying times, but I am always on the look out for signs of depression or further difficulty, similar to what was happening when I was sick.

I totally agree! And I want that T-shirt!  I suppose it's about finding a balance.  Right now I have an 11 month old and there just aren't enough hours in a day to do all that needs to be done AND to find time for other things.  It's a constant weighing of what needs to be done now and what can wait.  Thus, the pile of  clean read to fold laundry on the love seat that has been there for about two weeks!  Perhaps when the baby is older?  Or maybe not even then?  I don't have an answer to that one.  I get out of the house a couple of times a week though - even just getting groceries by myself is a treat!  But this will change... I really really hang on to that one!

A.

yup, yup and yup.

I do psych myself out.  All the freakin' time.  It's the sleep deprivation.  It will get better.  

But, my yelling definitely does "get outside my brain" more than I'd like to admit.  I'm really sorry for that fact.  I tell them so every time it happens.  Still, I feel like a monster then.  It is so damn hard.  That constant fear that I'm hurting them with my own emotional crap - MY tantrums, MY outbursts, MY inability to deal with MY frustrations.  But it IS NOT like that all the time.  Usually, just when I'm pms'ing and/or baby is teething and I've not slept 5 consecutive hours in a week.  

Yes, my kiddos go to bed safe, fed, respected and loved, listened to, talked to, told that they are precious, celebrated in some small way...  and then I do need to remember that I played a part in all of that...  wonder why it's so much easier to remember the crap than it is to remember the good??

as can the laundry.  yes.  thank you.

Not that I never feel it anymore but my guilt was lessened when I realized one day that I made a better example to my son as a human being instead of trying to be perfect all the time.   As a human I have bad days, I screw up and then I apologize and explain where things went wrong and although I'm always trying to do better, I sometimes make the same mistakes more than once.

Wonder no more ... the human brain is primitively hardwired to remember the "dangerous" & "bad" stuff - so it can avoid such stuff in future, in the name of survival.   The problem is ... today we seem to label tons more stuff, which is not critical to survival,  in those categories.  So that's the why.    Now, to stop assigning those catastrophic labels ... 

Thought for the day ...

Moms (and dads) are people too!  We're not perfect! But most of us are definitely OK!

End of special broadcast ...

I agree.  I worried over SO many things when my kids were young (especially teen-agers, I nearly had a nervous breakdown).   But they finally grew up into reasonable people.   (I know it does not always happily, but it does end reasonably well much more often that the opposite).  I know at the time it so hard not to fret and worry and go round and round in circles, but really, "This too shall pass."

best of luck to you and may God bless.

 Thanks for the words of insight.  It's always wonderful to hear from people who are "on the other side" of my experience! 

Agnieszka

(aka Nishy)