I have an eleven year old son. He has reached the point where he is not interested in public displays of affection and when among his friends he sometimes (okay, often) prefers their company to ours.

I also think that at 11 they haven't even begun to master some of the social graces that we adults expect. I think that your granddaughter probably didn't mean to be rude but at 11 was caught up in the excitement of the moment and was caught up in whatever was happening with her friends. I also might guess that, in front of her friends, she didn't want a big deal made of however she might have performed. I know among boys teasing might have evolved once the parents had left the group ("Oh Johnny, Mommy thinks you were just GREAT"...said dripping with sarcasm and condescension).

I think feedback about what is considered appropriate behaviour (which you did the next morning) was a good idea but if I understand other parents of teens this will likely happen again.

Thanks Special Mom,
some people standing nearby also noticed and commented: "This happens to a lot of teens between 12 and 20. Then they grow up and appreciate you again." It would have helped more if a few minutes later her granddaughter didn't come over and chat with her for at least 30 seconrd.
But you are right - she tries to put on a show of confidence and self-sufficiency but she is very self-conscious in front of her friends.

Congratulations on having a granddaughter who has something she loves. My daughter also dances and it has carried her through her teens well.

I agree with Special mom that it is a bit of an age thing.

My daughter after a show was always excited and so caught up in her friends that I had to remind her occasionally to pose for pictures with grandparents.....

I also would suggest never seeing a dancer or actor at intermission. In fact I am surprised that you were able to see her. We never see my daughter during a show, they are too foacussed on what is coming next, changing costumes, warming up or whatever they need to do.

Remind her that you love to see her dance and were impressed. always have flowers, and realise that teens can be teens.

It may be a bit much to ask kids to be mature about their family relationships. We are the adults and even though our feelings get hurt, we are the ones with the neurosis, they are the ones who are amidst experience.

It's just up to us to notice when they are about to get hurt or damaged and to intervene, if we can and if we are lucky enough to be there.

It's hard but the less pressure you exude and are just there b eing yourself and doing YOUR thing, the more likely you are of engaging your kids. modelling socialization through being and doing it.

I have a twelve year old son. The bridge between childhood and adolesence is a wobbly one. One minute he's running in the back yard with a plastic bag in the wind and the next he's proclaiming that "I don't own him". I guess we must expect that the pattern of the pre-teen will be that the pattern is impossible to predict.

With respect to the dance recital, you've told her how you felt. She felt your pain with enough guilt that she was driven to tears. I would say that the book should be closed on this one. I don't see that as the hill to die on.

Enjoy her. Delight in what she delights in. I would guess that in the grande scheme of her life, she will remember and appreciate your presence, even if articulating that is not foremost in her mind these days.

Thanks for your support - I guess it is normal for an 11 year old. I've showed your replies to my husband who was more upset than I was. We continue to try. Today we went out for dinner at a fancy restaurant. No pressure - no friends around. She was quiet and somewhat uncommunicative but polite, and pleased with the many choices at the brunch buffet. Her 4 year old brother behaved well too - a first for him in a fancy place.
All in all a good family day.
Thanks again.

Hi Seeler;

I really don't think your grandaughter meant to be rude. I do not let parents or grandparents near the stage during intermissions at recitals. I don't teach dance but this is for music recitals and for plays. Kids cannot focus on everything and are nervous.

That you and your husband were at the dance recital meant the world to your grandaughter just don't expect that to be shown publicly.

Oh seeler, I feel for you ... it's hard to adjust to being 'overlooked' in public by those wonderful grandkids, who just yesterday seemed to worship us, and shower us with affection anytime, anywhere.

I think Serena summed up my thoughts too in her last paragraph written above.

Hopefully you and your husband can adapt your expectations & keep feeling good about this wonderful granddaughter of yours.

seeler wrote: "She was sorry, she didn't know that she was being rude. She cried. But she couldn't explain her behaviour."

EZ Answer: If she experiencing any body changes, then there's the possibility she's self-conscious about how she looks in a dance costume?

I resurrected this old thread to tell you more about my grandaughter.  She's 16 now.  She has her beginners driving permit.

And she is still dancing.  This week she danced in three dances on two evenings.  For the next two weeks she will be doing two dances on each night.  Seelerman and I went to see her last evening.  She is goooood!   She often is placed front and centre, or aas an anchor at one end or the other.  Because she is strong, she often does the lifts.  She can stand on one toe and point the other at the ceiling with a hand around her ankle and hold that pose.  We're proud of her.

But what I wanted to tell you - after the show when she met us in at the stage door she accepted the flowers, accepted our congrats, chatted with us, introduced us to a friend.  And as we turned to go she threw her arms around each of us in turn and thanked us for our support. 

They do grow up.

That's lovely Seeler!

Aww .. that's good news Seeler - what a big difference five years makes!  Hard to believe so much time has flown by.   What style of dance does she do?  

11 and 12 and the hormones raging through the kids at this time get us all wishing we could have our brilliant 9 and 10 year olds back again.   Can this person say one positive thing?  EVER?  tantrums and taking on the personna of the parent who gets the most out of his or her temper . . . but usually only just in trial size - fortunately.

13 arrives and you will think that the kid  is getting more rational and she is . . . at manipulating you around her pinky ,  . . . fun and games in the house of mirrors let me tell you.

Seeler, I'm glad her attitude has changed!

I remember a time when the main thought process at the intermission was eating and drinking and rearranging costumes to have them ready for quick changes.

There often wasn't enough time to switch tights, finicky costumes, shoes, hair pieces and on occassion there was hair and makeup changes too.  After hurriedly doing that, you had to get on stage, smile (or whatever expression the number required), maybe sing and dance.  Perform to the best of your ability..

I enjoyed doing it, but the quick changes sometimes were a little much sometimes and 10+ years later I still get nightmares about it!  lol Not about forgeting the routine on stage though, just losing part of my costume or something.

Good news Seeler, what a difference a few years make!

A very good friend commented to me that my advice to her when she was lamenting her 15/16 year old daughter. I told her that one night her daughter would go to bed a trial to her and get up the next morning a young woman. She said it was the only thjing that got herthrough this period and she said it happened exactly like that.

Seeler: that's heart breaking.  You'd think she'd appreciate the time her grand parents have put into her dance career.  Jeeze.

Growing up, I was always taught to socialize with any relative I see in public.

I'm so glad today she knows how it's done!  :)

Good to hear your news seeler.

If only parenting/grandparenting was as easy as 'teach them how to behave well and they will', Sterton.  If it truly was that straightforward parents and grandparents wouldn't suffer through the young folks bad behaviour at various stages of their development into adults!