hmm, nine, grade 4?  Any chance he is thinking the person sitting beside him is cute, and they laugh when he acts up?

My son was very much the same.  He went through a very difficult time in grade 6.  A log helped him a lot.  He knew exactly what was expected of him and had a more concrete way to track his behavior.  Then again, we're having problems again this year and it is more difficult to keep track because he is in jr high and has different teachers for each class.

 Is it possible that he's finding school more difficult (people tend to hit a few plateaus throughout school) and goofing around is just his way of coping?

I am glad that his teachers are working with you on this! I am wondering if there have been any major changes in your child's life recently? Humour can be a coping mechanism. Good luck!

 I wonder if there is something going on.

Perhaps he can't see the board as well.

Perhaps he has had a falling out with friends (bullying)

Perhaps he is having trouble with the work and so instead of admitting that and seeming "dumb" he just gets into trouble

I think boys go through difficult spells just like girls.  Expectations change in school as they age and with different teachers.  It is possible that previous teachers thought the behaviour was kind of cute in a little kid and this teacher expects more from him.

Quiet talks about school, friends, teachers expectations.  Some hands on time with him as he does homework to ensure he isn't struggling.

Sit at the table after school and have tea with him while he does his work.  Write a letter or something but sit there so you get a real feel for how quickly he runs through the work.

Make it a daily event adn he will start to open up a bit ( and you will write alot of letters to friends) 

Great to meet you Vinyl Cafe!!

I have a sweet kid, he's 12 now, but always introverted & friendly & luckily it kept up at school mostly.  He does very well with a group of friends, but he's not the extrovert that some are.  Anyway, I was always very proud of him until I realized that my parents were a bit frustrated with him.  He would spend time there with his sister when his cousins were there too - so there were 5 kids including 2 boys, and I would be grateful for an afternoon where I could do other things.

I began to realize that my son was irritating my parents, and they would talk about him being obstinate and disrespectful and crazy, and I was amazed!  Then one day, I came into the house and had a cup of tea while the kids were outside. Sure enough, he was chasing the girls around, hooting and hollering, laughing with that evil laugh, and generally as outgoing/bonkers as I'd ever seen him.  Aha! 

We had a big chat that day about manners - at least toning it down a bit when Grandma/Grandpa says so - and it has improved.  But I sure learned a lot about my sweet mild-mannered boy that day.  I was actually proud to see him so confident & happy; but all things need some balance.

It is important that we mothers clarify the boundaries and don't just love them for being sweet at home - but demand some social skills & respect for others.  I have noticed my son responds really well to clear descriptions of how he is to interact with people.  At church, I've had to teach him to look people in the eye, shake hands, what to say (nice to meet you, or good morning) - tools that help him function when his instincts say 'find a quiet corner' or 'run around with the  kids'.  It doesn't always work perfectly but it has helped tons.

At school, I encouraged him to be best pals with each teacher - asking them stuff, checking in with them after class - basically developing a relationship with the teacher that he can't ignore - a personal connection that deflects disrespect.  I don't know how it works for your son, but again - demand that he follow a basic standard (maybe this incentive log) - but clear directions - listen when teacher is talking, save the jokes for recess, ask teacher for clarification, be friends with the teacher... - they  need to be repeated regularly, and he needs to keep hearing the rules, so they are front & center for him. 

I love happy, confident, sweet kids even if they are a bit disruptive, but I'm not teaching a class full, so I can manage a Sunday School group.  All of us have our unique sparkle, but we all still need to learn how to interact well with each other.  He'll probably be relieved & more confident once he has some good tools to use, especially once he's gotten some good practice. 

 Wow, wish I had been given the wisdom on this site back when the boys are little.

Lots of good ideas here.

When my kids were young I tried to remember to chat with them before an event.  We talked about what would be happening there, suitable behavior for kids etc. It was invaluable prior to their first funeral and wedding.  We used to go over campground rules and behaviors before heading out.  General school behavior got talked about too - with me listening carefully for possible causes of things the teachers complained about.

 My son used to complain that the teacher would get mad at him when in fact he was just responding to friends.

I used to explain that talking caught the teachers eye but when she turned she didn't get the "talker" but the "answerer".

We also used to talk about politeness related to classroom behaviour.

On the other hand it is worth investigating how the other boys are getting along.

Are all boys "trouble"?

Are all boys expected to sit and be quiet?

Are all the parents getting these behaviour comments?

Any chance the teacher is either very new or burned out?

Any chance the teacher really likes the quiet ones, girls or boys?

Any chance the work is boring and your son is bored?

Coffee with other mothers of boys might be a good idea

Hi vinylcafe - nice to hear from you!  I ditto pinga's comment above - so much wisdom already posted here that I have nothing much to add!

When my kids were growing up, I did find a book series that was invaluable to me in understanding them - there's one written for every year - and sometimes I would swear they were looking in my windows at my own kid when I read the descriptions.  These books helped me a lot in just understanding what was 'expected' behaviour at their various ages.

"Your Nine Year Old" by Louise Bates - published by Gesell Institute

http://www.amazon.ca/Your-Nine-Year-Old-Thoughtful/dp/044050676X/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1290832304&sr=8-2

Hi Vinyl - I haven't seen you posting before.  Welcome.

You've received some good advice.  I don't know if my comments might help or not. 

I had asked my Sunday School class to design bulletin covers for the upcoming special service and I noticed Peter sit for a bit without doing anything, then begin to draw, and the next thing I knew he was scribbling all over his picture with black crayon.  I was about to scold him when I remembered two things:

Recently I had heard his mother saying that Peter seemed to be having a hard time lately.  Most of his friends were a year or so older them him and he was always comparing himself negatively to them and struggling to keep up.

And back in Teachers' College art education classes we were told that children often reach a 'super critical age'.  Art work what was fun and free and colourful and that they were proud to display when they were young, became cramped, stiff and overworked and they were often disappointed with their results as they realized they produce a drawing exactly as they thought it should be.   Little girls often wore out their erasers trying to achieve the impossible.  Little boys (aged 9 or 10) sometimes covered up what they perceived as shortfalls by 'acting out'. 

It occured to me that this was what Peter was doing.  He was reluctant to start because he didn't think he could do it good enough.  When he did start his fears were realized - it wasn't as good as he wanted.  So, before anybody could see how stupid he was, he scribbled over it - so that his inadequate art work wouldn't be seen by his peers - so they wouldn't know how inferior he was - so that he could claim that he wasn't interested in making any stupid pictures and no one was going to make him.  He would rather be seen as bad or definant, or perhaps get a laugh out of his buddies - anything than have people think he was doing his best and it wasn't good enough. 

Interestingly, while kids are going through this super critical stage, they only see faults with their own work.  They can still admire the efforts of the kid sitting next to them, even though it isn't any better than their own. 

But this is a stage - with patience on the part of teachers and parents - and maybe a word or two to older siblings or older friends not to encourage bad behaviour, and not to tease, they outgrow this stage and go on to another.

By the way, Peter took a degree in business, has a successful position, a home and kids of his own - who he probably worries about as his parents worried about him.

 great story, Seeler, thanks.

 Thank you everyone for your very thoughtful and helpful advice and insight.  I have been a member of Wondercafe for a very long time but this is the first time that I've posted.  I am so pleased that I did.

On Friday last week I brought the kids home for lunch and I was speaking with my 9 year old about his classes, his classmates etc.  Well, the flood gates opened and he told me about a boy in his class who bullies him when the teacher isn't looking or when they are in the schoolyard.  He has been slapped, pushed, called names and threatened.  I cried with him while he told me about his experience and how afraid he was to tell in case anyone made it worse.  He and I both felt relieved that he had opened up and shared this.  I told his teacher right away and I have an appointment with the principal this afternoon.   We also discovered that the reason that he had very little interest in playing hockey over the last few weekends has been because this same boy is on his hockey team.  It makes me sick to think about how he's been feeling.   

I guess now my topic changes to - 9 year old boy being bullied.

I'm glad that you've figured out what the problem is. I hope his teacher, principal and coach will be as supportive of your son as you are. Around here the police operate a successful program in the schools called W.I.T.S. I wonder if there is a similar program where you are? Here's their website - there's a good section for parents: www.witsprogram.ca/

Keep us posted.

Ahhh ... good to know what was behind the behaviour - now there's something specific to work with ... but never great to hear your kid's being targetted.  But there are good resources out there - as somegal points out.  Here's another - The Canadian Safe School Network - their site has sections for parents, students, teachers - lots of helpful info & links - might help in knowing how to approach the school, hockey coach, other parents about the situation.   http://www.canadiansafeschools.com    Let us know how it goes ... thinking about you and yours.

 I am so glad he has opened up to you and that you are working together.

Sadly I think you are in for a bit of a road trip as you deal with this.  Bullies don't back down easily and schools have trouble.  Perhaps you could ask for him to be on another hockey team, explain to the convenor that there is an issue and that it is affecting how much your son loves hockey

Here are tools that help - print these off - your school principle should be familiar with Barbara Coloroso's "The Bully, the Bullied and the Bystander" - this is a common program many schools use.

Bully Handout

Another Handout

Barbara Coloroso's Website

Take the handouts in with you right away, and also review some of it with your son.  Show some compassion for bullies, because they likely don't get much of it, BUT insist that things change immediately.   

I used these with my daughter &  her principle - it helped.  And another friend found they were the perfect discussion starter - really helped there too.

So glad you joined in the conversation!!

 Thanks so much for the wonderful resources everyone!  I will definitely use them in my plight to save my child from this awful experience.  My meeting with the principal was okay.  I talked and he listened and took notes.  He said that this make sense to him because he was worried about my son.  He saw a difference in him too.  He did say how hard it is for schools to address this because it happens when they're not looking.  Our next step includes talking to my son and allowing him to tell the principal what has been going on.  My son has asked that I be there with him.  We're going tomorrow morning.   I didn't leave feeling like we had made great strides toward fixing this.  I realize however that this will take time.

I thought the same as you Lastpointe and I asked my son if he wanted me to have him change hockey teams.  I couldn't believe that he said that he would rather stay where he is because if he left then the bully would win.  In fact I think he might be thinking that it's better to play on his team than against him.  Myself or my husband will now stay with him in the dressing room until he goes on the ice and we'll be there the moment he comes off.  

On a brighter note, my son's incentive log came home yesterday and the teachers agreed that he was able to focus more on his work than they have seen in awhile.  Thank goodness.

Hi Vinyl...the other issue is going back & forth from school to home. 

We had a similair situation with bullies with my one son...it took a wonderful librarian to invite him for tea a few times, who finally had him speak about the issue.  argh...bullies...they are always there..even in adulthood.

It sounds like some good things are already happening for your son. As you work with him you will learn a lot about yourselves and bullying - and I believe you will become even more compassionate people than you already are. Remember that the bully is learning his behaviour somewhere - he may not have a fantastic home life. I'm glad that your son is staying on the hockey team - presumably he has other friends on that team. Hockey is about learning to work together - something that is imperative for both your son and the bully to learn. Make sure that the coaches are aware of what is going on - they could prove to be really helpful to you.

I know what it is like to be bullied and I can tell you that the road ahead may be tough. Please know that no matter what happens, your son will always remember how you stood by him during this difficult time.