Yes, it does change if you have only one parent living. (or rather, it has for me.)

When Mum and Dad were both alive I rang once a fortnight - now there's just Mum I ring once a week. I also make sure I see Mum once a fortnight. (Before she amazed us all by finding herself a "boyfriend" I used to see her once a week.)

In her early widow years she was "lost" - and needed us kids more.

Since becoming a widow myself, my admiration for my mother has grown.

She's one helluva a woman!

I used to talk to my mom on the phone at least 2-3 times a day.  It has been one of the harder things to deal with.  A few weeks ago I got back early from break and I thought that I could call my mom.  If something happens calling my mom is still often my first thought.

I don't think that I called her any more as she got older.  After my son was born we talked on the phone more often.  My parents were divorced when my dad died so my calling didn't change after he died.

I hardly called my mom, because my sister was 'there', living with my parents or calling them daily. Then my sister got married, and stopped calling the family as much.  So, I try to call twice a week, at least.  I also email with my mom, which is a godsend, since it's very handy for me.

And every long weekend we go to visit, either by staying over (if it's just my family visiting) or in a hotel, if my sister's family AND mine is in town at once. 

Does gender affect the rate of calling?

I called my mother sometimes daily, sometimes weekly. If I didn't call her in a week, she would generally call me. I also saw them most Sunday's at church.  We also would go out every so often or they would pop in.

Do men call as often women?  Are men called as often as women?

I once kept in touch with my parents (and then just my mum) by ordinary, old fashioned mail.  Eventually I realised that phoning was a possibility - but she was very slow to 'connect' on the phone and also deaf.  Not very satisfactory. 

I'm now the mother.  My sons check in - in person, by phone or email at least weekly. 

 I used to call my parents probably twice a month when they were both alive and our kids were little.  Instead they did the phoning.  Calling all of us to catch up and then spread the news.

After my dad died I called my mom daily.

When she died in March it was a hard thing to get over.  Even though she was confused i really missed her voice and her little comments.  Especially her  ' I love you too darling"

I have one sibling who called Mom approx 2 / year: her birthday & Christmas.   She didn't like to go out on her birthday in case she missed the call.  I must admit, I really struggle with this one; however, it was what it was.  I am curious as primarily it has been women that have posted.  Do your spouses call their parents?

Pinga, oh I can feel for you about the one sibling.  The summer after my mom first got sick it was really important to me that we get one last beach day.  She cancelled it so she could go babysit for my one sibling who only called her when he needed a babysitter.  I'm very grateful that we did get an absolutely perfect beach day a couple days before she got sick again the following summer.

My husband's mother can be very difficult to deal with.   She has multiple medical problems and is often on pain medication on top of general interpersonal issues that she has.  He does call her about once a month or so. 

 I probably call my parents about once a week, sometimes more, sometimes less.  I would say my fiance does about the same.  I am probably more likely to call his mother than he is to call my, but he'll easily talk to either of my parents on the phone.

I call my parents once a month on average. They call me a Few times a year. Last week i had a disturbing call. Usually my Dad only calls, a Few times a year and only talks for a Few minutes. However his oldest brother had die, and he was upset. I think as they get old They will need me to call more often as there support system of peers in their own age group dies off.

 I talk to them almost daily. Going three days without phone contact is a bit unusual.  Either they phone us or we phone them. They live in the next town, 14 miles away so we see each other weekly or so.  I am blessed.

How I have wished over the years that I had a mother to call - to ask advice about cooking, to share cute things about what the kids had said or did, to find out family history and medical problems, to brag about accomplishments and share success stories, or to find a listening ear when things went wrong, or just to discuss the weather, plans for Christmas, etc. etc. etc.     My father and I were not close - after I left home I wrote once in a long while and visited for a half-hour on our annual trip back to NB, long distance was expensive. 

Over the years it has been my two sisters and I who have called and talked over all these little things, and kept a sense of family.  I regret that we didn't think to make more effort to include our brother but we had less in common with him, he moved often, and seldom had a phone - but we could have somehow kept in better touch than the 'once a year at Christmas'.  

Mr. Seeler did occasionally call his mother - sometimes after I reminded him.  I didn't call her, and she seldom called us.   He still needs to be reminded to call his older brother ever few months - and go to see him four or six times a year - he only lives a couple of hours away.

Now that we are seniors it seems that the shoe is on the other foot - we depend upon our children.  Seelergirl lives 20 minutes away - we see her several times a week, and often one of us calls so we hear from her almost daily.   Seelerboy lives on the other side of the world.  We keep in touch by email, at least once or twice a month - and he calls periodically, more often when worried about his sister who he also calls.    I don't call him because of the time difference, his busy schedule and the fact that he is seldom home - he only has a cell phone.  I do have a number for the University so I could get in touch if necessary, other than email.

Parents, mine and in-laws, both lived in the same community.  They are all gone now.  I/we did not call them everyday, but either saw them or talked to them on the phone at least once a week, sometimes more.

To everyone who still has parents - call them often, visit them as often as you can, they will not always be here with you.  Although I had fairly decent contact with my parents and in-laws, if I could do anything different I would have called/visited more.

Somegirl -- i remember you mentioning that beach day. 

Beloved, thanks for your wisdom, as well.  I remember your posts re your mom.

Seeler - you & your siblings had to maintain the threads.  it is interesting you point out the email...as part of the reason I update facebook is for my parents and older cousins who like to see the pictures.

Alex - you point out how sometimes there is something that triggers a call..generally something upsetting such as bad news.

trishcuit - awesome, you sound like how it was with my mom/dad.

chemgal - that is great re your  fiances. 

I wonder how we as parents model our behaviour to our kids?  Do you feel the way your parents behaved with their parents has influenced you?

(for me, i don't think so..however, would be interesting to hear)

I struggle with talking on the phone as it's not a medium I enjoy (prefer email).  I have actually let a friendship kind of go over phone talking because when she called it was usually 1 hour and a half and I felt like I was being held hostage.  She grew tired of me not calling her but it usually meant carving out an entire evening and committing to active listening for long periods too.  My mother in law has a tendency to do this as well and when the conversation is one sided (me mostly listening like with the friend) it gets wearisome.

Thankfully my mother is pretty good and doesn't talk for long (and actually has a conversation)  so we are in touch once or twice a week.  My husband talks to his mother either once a week or every two however if she were different I think calls would be more frequent but one call is a huge enough committment as it is.  Interestingly this friend who loved the long phone conversations absolutely refuses to get in touch via email or Facebook and mother in law is pretty much the same so there was no compromise.  Not everyone enjoys the phone so it helps to be open to different forms of communication - maybe even an old fashioned letter in order to stay in touch.

I usually call 2-3 times a week (daily is anything is wrong). It is just what I have done for eons.

She (other half) calls once a week or so, now. She used to let a month or so go by, just because she forgot how long it had been. A health crisis put it more to the front of her mind.

In the summer I call my mom about once every couple of weeks. In the winter she and my aunt lives with us. My dad is deceased.

Not really.

Not for me.

wow - an hour and a half phone call....that is good sometimes, but, yes, not good if you are not a phone person or if the person is unaware of your availability.  great point about the old fashioned letter, meredith.  There is an art to writing...though..my script is awful.

When both my parents were alive, we talked every week-end, usually Sundays, and took turns making the calls.

After my father died, I continued to call mom weekly, and she called me now and then.  When my mother went to a nursing home at age 90, we continued the pattern of weekly calls.

For the past couple of years mom hasn't been able to talk very much on the phone because of her loss of hearing and inability to understand conversations.  When she doesn't wear her hearing aid, she can't hear the phone or maybe ignores it if she is in a sleepy mood.

Periodically she will ask a nurse to call my sister or I.  Mostly now we try to visit her in person on her good days.  It is sad to see the changes in a parent....from someone who was bright and cheery and a great conversationalist to someone who struggles to make basic conversation.

My one brother calls and visits fairly often, and the other two not so much but health issues are a factor.

I call my parents when we nee to arrange something.  Being only 300 Km apart means that that is fairly often as they are often crashing on our hide-a-bed and we still go home for holidays.  It is interesting seeing the time difference.  If I get mom on the phone call last s 10[-20 min.  with dad it is usually closer to 90!  It does change occansionally if one of us is in crisis (first week of teaching all on my own). 

Peace

Joel

gecko - your story reminded me of calling to my mother in law - in her later years she was in a care facility, had multiple medical problems, was somewhat deaf and had some dementia.  We got her a phone with big number buttons, a flashing light when it rang, quick access programmed buttons, and an amplification feature - but after each call the amplification level returned to default.  So next time I'd call ... 

"hello, hello, who's there?  is anybody there?

Yes, it's me - push the blue button;

Is anybody there?

PUSH the BLUE BUTTON - THE BLUE BUTTON!!  (me getting progressively louder!)

eventually, she would catch on -

Oh - hello dear - why are you speaking so loud?  I can hear you just fine! " 

Makes me chuckle just to think about it.  

Great suggestions re the phone Carolla...though..the resetting feature hopefully has been fixed!

Preecy, i love how you shared that crisis can occur on either side...

Gecko, the complications of a nursing home are interesting, and one I hadn't thought of.

I was just thinking how expensive long distance was when we were first married but even though we shuddered when the phone bill came, we still talked every couple of weeks. How lucky we are now with bundles etc.

My kids are in touch daily. I appreciate it. Even if it is just a "hi. How are you"

I have a friend whose mother is in the beginnings of a dementia. She lives alone; she drives,

; she comes here once a day; she covers but because i see her every day, I know that she is declining quickly.

Her daughter and I have had many conversations and I try to stress that she should call her mom at least once a day. But the daughter, too, is covering and even though she knows her mom is declining, she gets agitated at her and doesn't make the phone call. The mother, in turn, gets more agitated because the daughter doesn't phone.

I really don't know what I can do about the situation. The daughter relies on me to help but I can't if she doesn't take some necesary steps herself.

Any advice?

Just curious - is there a reason why your friend cannot/does not call her daughter? 

Maybe a sheet of paper with her daughter's number, the date, a checkbox, and topics to be covered (if any), or notes from call which she can fill in.

This will allow her to have control, know if she called, and also jot down what she wants to talk to her about.

CH, you could even model it as something you do...ie, call so & so, with a list of the names that you call ...

She does call her daughter and call and call and call. There are just so many things that she does now that are off the wall. She wants her middle aged daughter to account for her time.She wants to know what she is doing every minute of the day.

She seems to act in appropriately. Spends time talking to people she doesn't know well but ignores close friends.

She is forgetful of time, meds.

She is argumentative with family.Cutting remarks that are suppose to be humerous.

She does not keep a good diet - toast and coffee for a meal.Is diabetic but skips meals altogether.

She comments that grandchildren don't visit but when they do she complains about them.

I don't know what the answer is.

I rarely call my parents unless I have something to report/request.  Which probably is less than I should be calling them, but I always feel like i'll report something when there is something to report.

As-salaamu alaikum

-Omni

Hi Crazyheart,

It does sound as if your friend has some form of dementia but it does make me wonder if she has had a thorough medical lately to determine it isn't some chemical issue.

I wonder if you can suggest to the daughter that she come and take mom to the doc. 

Perhaps the daughter needs a medical person to state the facts.  Soon her mom is going to need more hands on help on a daily basis, particularily if she is driving .  That needs to stop right away.  But food, cleanliness, safety.  All these will be issues and she also needs to understand how to speak with those afffected.

Crazyheart,

Coping with a parent with dementia (if that's what it is) isn't easy.

Unfortunately, we're not all the same. Some cope much better than others.

I remember being annoyed when my mother rarely visited her mother (my Nana) when  she went into a nursing home.

She couldn't cope with her once strong mother being so frail and undecided. It was easier for me, because the relationship was different.

Now that Mum is getting forgetful, I must say it's more difficult than when it was Nana for me.

Is there someone else in the family that you can go to with your concerns?

(I have one sister who's a social worker - we all go to her when we need help.

No, it's not fair - but she just happens to be the most practical in a very impractical family.)

I thought lastpointe made a good point about a medical . . . if she is diabetic and not eating properly this could be playing havoc with her body.

Crazyheart - this seems to be one of the things that they don't warn you about - as you grow older your friends and acquaintences get old too.  And suddenly you realize that some of the people you know have health and aging problems - and often those are problems that aren't going to get any better. 

Your friend seems to be among them - her health and her abilities are deteriorating.  There is only so much you can do.  But I think you might try to share your concerns with the daughter.  Let her know how worried you are about your friend's mental and physical health and safety.  We don't like to admit that our parents are volunerable, that they are getting old.  Perhaps the daughter has always had a difficutl relationship with her mother - perhaps she tries to distance herself from the verbal abuse by avoiding her mother.  The phone calls don't seem to be pleasant, or something to look forward to. 

I know a bit.  My older sister's health has been bad for many years and she has gone down hill since her younger son died quite suddenly a few years ago.   At one time she would phone me at least once a month, and I would occasionally phone, and we would have long talks about various things - even discussing the luncheon she served to her Bible study group, or the Halloween party I put on for friends and neighbours.   She almost never calls now, and when I call her I have to be careful not to open the conversation with the usual 'How are you?'    She can go on for over 1/2 hour about her health - sometimes it is serious, and I really want to know, but often anything serious is buried in a multitude of complaints.  And often when I phoned for a specific purpose - to share the fact that my granddaughter just won a dance scholarship, or the decision to trade the old car, or to tell her about a highschool friend I've run into and to reminis about our school days - I never even get an opportunity to bring it up in an hour 1/2 phone conversation.    But I know that she is lonesome.   And between my younger sister and I we try to keep in touch with her and to ascertain how her health is.   Her husband has taken over much of the housework and has help with her personal care - and he does the driving. 

But it is hard to deal with the problems of older people. 

Crazyheart, you're friend seems to have some of the same symptoms that my mom had.  It was very hard to deal with, especially before the diagnosis.  After her diagnosis it was much easier for me to handle her.  I could stand up to her when she was becoming too negative, or acting inappropriatly.  I really wish that your friend's daughter would call her more often, maybe even really short calls, or have a script or something.  She's going to kick herself awfully hard when her mom is gone.

I agree. Here is an example of what I think is inappropriate behavior but maybe I am wrong. She is flyng to her son's for the weekend. She wants to make him a special dish so she is putting in her suitcase - steak, turnip and pound of shortening. It is only an hour trip so that is okay.

BUT when I asked why she didn't get him or his wife to pick up these items in their super market she got very defensive and said she will do what she wants to do. So I shut up.

But this is something that I think her daughter should be on top of.

yikes, umm...i have had chocolate melt in my suitcase...on an hour flight.

Er, I brought a jar of vegemite to Canada. 

Seriously, it sounds like she is unsure of organising things - if she's got the ingredients with her she may feel more comfortable in her mind?

If the son doesn't see her frequently - he may hopefully notice the change in her.