That one is a good one.  When I was pregnant, I noticed the same thing - a lot of parents saying "no"  almost automatically to whatever their child was asking.  I remember waiting in a shopping mall one day and seeing this over and over, and deciding I wasn't going to do it.

Another one my own mother taught me, when we do say "no", explain why.  For example, if you say "no, don't touch" explain "because it hurts the plant" or "you could burn your hand", etc.  I found that way, I only needed to say no to the same thing once or twice because she understood why.  So I made sure my "nos" weren't arbitrary but taught.

PS  And never, ever slap or smack you child's hand away.  Gently but firmly move it away, even if you have to do it several times until they get it.  Or, of course, just move the child or the object away from reach or redirect their attention to something else.  I could just cry when I see a parent give their child pain in response to normal, expected curiosity.  Breaks my heart.

I think that the suggestion was that even if you can't say 'yes' you can still give your answer in the affirmative:

"yes, you can borrow the car - when you have a driver's license."

"yes, you can climb a mountain, when you are older."

"You can have your friends sleep over - on your birthday."

"You can quit school - when you graduate."

No negatives here.  

Seriously, the old "no' just seems to come out automatically. 

Hi Elby - the one liner that I try to remember, and forget all too often, is "catch'em being good".   It seems when the kids are doing just fine, cooperating and getting along  (ok that's not too often, but it does happen), I tend to take it for granted and forget to comment or encourage, but as soon as they  mess up, I sure comment right away! 

wow, what wonderful ideas, and I am sure enjoying all the various new images on people's profiles. 

Aw shucks Diana, you beat me to it.  "Catch 'em being good" is wonderful....it's good for the kids and it's great for us.

"Choose your battles wisely" is another one I am working on.

And "Don't sweat the small stuff"

Oh yeah - choosing battles wisely is HUGE for me right now with my 14 year old!

And how about, "practice what you preach?"  It was kind of embarrassing, after preaching at the kids about healthy eating habits, when they found my secret stash of Twizzlers in my glove compartment!

This principle is also very important in my work with adults who have intellectual disabilities.  "Catch them doing something right" and be all over it with praise and encouragement.    I think it's harder than it sounds, sometimes.  "Good job eating your broccolli"  still sounds unconvincing...... 

It takes some creativity.

But I think for us as parents and caregivers, actively looking for these opportunities to find what's positive in behaviour,  gives us a break from the habit of viewing things in the negative.  

And I agree that "choosing your battles" is the only way to stay sane as a parent, especially with teens.  At that point, it's mostly about safety, IMO.

"You're welcome."

I've used this one with my kids when they don't understand a decision I've made.

eg. kid:  You never give us dunkaroos or fruit roll ups in our lunches. 

      busymom:  You're right.  I like to choose healthy snacks for your lunches because I care about your teeth and body.  You're welcome.

OR

kid:  Why can't I have that toy?

busymom:  Because I realize that it is hard for you to remember to put toys away, and when it is left out on the floor and stepped on you will be sad.  I wouldn't want that to happen to you.  You're welcome.

It usually takes them off guard and they don't know what to say.

Busymom - I've never heard that one before, I LOVE it!  Thanks for the new addition to my meagre parenting toolbox!

And how about "charity begins at home?"  I'm not really sure what that means, but I can get really wrapped up in my work, and up until recently I've really given a lot of myself to the church, so the time with my own children becomes all of us flopped in front of the tv.  I have found myself really needing to get my priorities straight.

 We're big fans of Barbara Coloroso's Kids are worth it, and Jane Nelson's Positive Disipline series.  But most of the time we use the lines to each other rather then to the kids.  Cause it's us that need reminding.  Here's some paraphrasing of the stuff we're working on (and it is a lot of hard work)

- Don't talk, act.  or "You're lecturing again dear"

- Do what you say you're going to do and say what you'll do (you're not really going to ground them for life, or break their arms, so why say it.)

- It's ok to feel angry, but it's not ok hit your sister.  Let your feelings out, and we'll talk when you're feeling better.

- I think Daddy needs a time out (one of my husband's favorites)

- We try to avoid no too, lots of Laters, Not Right Nows, and "You can have a cookie AFTER you get your pajamas on" or just re-directing them away from whatever we don't want them to play with (they're small enough we can still do this)

- Also try to catch some things before they happen.  When son comes running up to his baby sister, before he pushes her over, it's "Show me how you can be gentle with your sister".  Then it's a hug and a kiss instead of a push.

Catch them doing something right - thank you for reminding me.  This morning my 4 1/2 year old grandson came in, took off his coat, and left it in the middle of the floor.  I told him that he should hang it up and he told me that he didn't know how.  So I took him to the hangers near the door, made sure that he could reach the nearest and showed him how to hang up his coat.  This afternoon he was out with his Grampy.  When they came in, Grampy came to me and said:  As soon as he took his coat off he took it and hung it up.  Good.  I immediately went and thanked him.

Since September, I've been trying to get our 11 year old granddaughter to put her school bag in a certain place out of my way.  She drops it near the kitchen door each day when she comes in, and I either move it myself or call her from whatever she is doing to get her to move it.  Today I noticed that she had put it where it belonged as soon as she came in.  I made sure I thanked her. 

Too bad I had to be reminded of this simple but effective parenting tool.  

We very much follow the 'saying yes whenever possible' approach. We don't say no if we can say it in the affirmative as seeler mentioned above, which I find means that our kids REALLY know that when we DO use the No word, we mean it.

Another excellent book with LOTS of great advice is How to Talk So Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk.

Also, HI DIANA!!!! Haven't seen you in AGES!!!!

Deffinetly explaining your nos works wonders. I'm still pretty young so I can vividly remember my friends father saying no to her having a cookie. I can understand why he said no now, because i'm older. I realised that she got hyper really easily, and the sugar in the cookies would GUARENTEE she didn't get to sleep. He cared, so he said no. But at the time I couldn't see.

On the other hand, my own father always explained his nos. For example when I would ask him if I could have a computer game he said no, because what if santa had already gotten it for me? It was the middle of november at the time, so I got all excited and said Ok! Later he offered to buy me something and I told him no because what if Santa had already gotten it for me!? To this day I stop buying things in the middle of november. It became a habit! lol

I figured I'de post this as a cute trick you can try with your kids, because this is the time you'll need it soon! Also, slapping of the hand isn't the greatest. I still remember my mother slapping my hand when I was being "Bad". And once again, to this day, sometimes I assosiate curiosity with pain. Be it for the better or for worst.

Thought i'de throw my 10 cents in there, even though i'm not a parent. Just letting you know that when they're in their teens, they'll thank you for using those tricks! (Maybe... lol)

Shadow

Hi Cate!!