Well, they're young. Youth is the time of indiscretion. Tell the father that he should know why they don't want to talk to him, tell your kids your father wants very much to talk to them. Maybe one of them will want to talk enough to solve some problems?

Ask him to go to rehab though, tell him it's always an option. If he can't see that his kids not speaking to him is rock-bottom...

as a foster mother, i have talked to many foster parents with older children. their biological parents are sometimes exactly like what you describe.

as far as they've said, the best thing you can do is just tell the truth. tell your kid that their father is struggling with an addiction, and that it just isn't safe for them to be around him right now. tell them that he isn't reliable, that he may not call when they need him, he may not be there for them when they need him. if he promises them something but doesn't deliver, tell them straight up.

but dont pass judgement. there is a big difference between saying 'your father is an addict, and he will only call you when he is sober.' and saying 'your father is an asshole, and he can't even sober up for 10 minutes to talk to you, the jerk.'

i think that if you MODEL forgiveness to them by not disrespecting their father in front of them, that will be a far more powerful statement than whatever you could tell them.

you'll probably need to vent to somebody about him, though, as you are left to raise his children alone. just don't do it in front of them, or worse yet, TO them. that would not be a good decision. thats what friends are for.

chrisser wrote: "I want to teach my children about forgiveness but I find there is a vey fine line here. I was wondering if anyone else out there has gone through something like this or can offer an opinion."

EZ Answer: In this case, the path to forgiveness may be a by-product of a few other steps. An important step in parenting children of divorce is to avoid split loyalty. How to communicate to your child it is ok to love dad in the presence of mom. Kids sense parental hurt, and can even play into it. How to help them express their own hurt? Trust yourself, you got them this far!

Ai-yah! My heart goes out to you. Reading others' replies, though, I wonder about why your kids are being hesitant. Yes, we parents need to be careful about what the young 'uns are picking up off us. But kids also have good instincts. And if Dad is lost in addiction for now, I think it's OK for them to feel angry/abandoned/whatever. I would think the key would be keeping an eye down the road. It also depends on how old they are, right?

You are in my prayers, dear sister.

I know that forgiving can be hard, as i had a hard time forgiving my father for not being there for me while growing up and tried to get him to understand where I was coming from was the most difficult part as my step mother was a big part of the reason for not being able to forgive. Now that my daughter is born I have been able to leave the past in the past and go on with the here and now because my daughter I feel needs her grandfather to be in her life. My father i trying to some degree right the wrongs with my daughter by being there for both her and me.

I might suggest that forgiveness can come when the situation is safe again. Young children need to be grounded in love & trust, and by adults who can teach them to value themselves. Perhaps, they need to understand his troubles bit by bit, and feel empowered to decide whetther to talk to him or not. If they see you strong & coping through this time, and sad for his situation and theirs, they will someday learn to forgive him, and likely learn empathy as well. Good luck to you! i hope you have a strong, healthy, caring support group.