You have my prayers. No advice thought accept don't ever give up on your son. Keep the doors of communication open. Remember the father in the parable of the lost son. He never gave up hope that he would have his son back and he welcomed him.

chilli, important to find out what type of drugs, and how heavily involved. do you have any way to do so?

Thanks for the prayers!.......my son's mom and I are tyring to keep communication open, and are always letting him know this......as for the drugs, well I know he is doing mj and hash, but we are pretty sure he is trying other stuff too.......I feel like it is a phase and he'll eventually come to the realization that it is not the ideal path.......god bless!

My son also went off the rails so I understand your feelings of confusion and helplessness.

If you live in a large centre there are support groups that both you and your son can attend, but if you live in a rural area such as I you will probably find, as I did, your options for outside intervention is limited. You will also need the cooperation of your ex-wife to participate in any form of therapy, not to mention your son has to be willing for it to be effective.

If none of these options are available to you, you will have to find your own methods. My experience was,talking. Keep telling him you love him. That you are there for him. And when he starts to talk back at you, listen to what he says and also listen to what he doesn't say.

Try and give him options, just saying don't do drugs, or don't go out with those friends, will not give him solutions. See if there are alternatives that he is willing to explore.

And, this is the voice of experience, sometimes all you can do is be there when he collapses in your arms, sobbing how sorry he is because he messed up big time, and let him know that its ok, the both of you will work it out somehow, together.

My son is back on track but it is one that needs constant repair.

LB
There are two lasting bequests we can give our children. One is roots. The other is wings. Hodding Carter, Jr.

thanks for sharing your personal experience.......I hope and pray that he does figure things out.....we are in an urban centre, however it is still not easy to get help.....he has to be the one realizing he's got a problem....as you mentioned.....were either thinking of taking him into the emerg. clinic when he is in a bad state and agreeable, or else having the policia made aware of his drug issues and then surrepticiously "arrest" him, although the latter is pretty severe, and he and his buddies are already being stopped by the cops.....as an aside, he told me that the police stopped him and a few friends....they took his friends drugs from them, and then let my son go as he had beer and no drugs at the time???....however he is under age and shouldn't have beer with him....clearly the police force is sending a mixed message too.......

on the school front, my son has stopped going to school, but still attends occasionally.......we are trying to get him into another school that does a semestered system, as he is enrolled in a full curiculum and all year location.....he seems to be opening up a little to this potential.......

I am so sorry to hear of this, i can only imagine what you are going through. I wonder if your doctor can be of any help? Admit him for assessment?

There is a school in Toronto, City School at Yonge and Lawrence that seems to be aimed at helping kids make up courses they missed through "lack of attendance" so if you live here take a look at it.

could you set up a contract with him: how much school, how much friends, how much family and make some sort fo deal that way?

Peace to you.
I have a best friend dealing with a 15 year old who over the past year got with the wrong crowd and failed school- does drugs.
After a few crisis we as friends offer support but the family has not eliminated the friends and the child still skips school- does drugs.
It is painful beyond words and I am only the friend. I can't imagine your path.
Watching this though, I think I would take my own child and go broke paying for a centre to detox him over 1 year....this kid is simply being enabled by the parents and doesn't have the tools to escape the powerful hold drugs have on a mind.
good luck.

Have you thought about Teen Challenge? It is a really great program.

http://www.teenchallenge.ca/

You can call them and they will help you. It is important to call.

I am praying for your family.

Kwind

metta,
I think you are being too hard on your friends whose son has gone off the rails. The boy's parents are no doubt powerless to choose his friends. And in B.C. there simply don't seem to be any residential treatment facilities for young people. Even if there were, it could be next to impossible to get the boy into one if he won't cooperate. And even if he did get into one, it might not be the magic bullet that would cure him, anyways,
I know of a family who mortgaged there house and literally kidnapped their daughter and forced her to go to a treatment facility down in the States. As soon as she got out she started using again.

You really can't begin to imagine how powerless parents are in this situation unless you have been in it yourself.

Well said, as far as knowing what it's like unless you've been there. Our son has signed himself into de-tox 3 times now. You have very littles control over your children once they are 16, and please don't say you'd kick them out on the streets because in reality you ache so much knowing what they are doing to themselves I can't imagine not knowing where they are or if they are okay. Pray, don't give up, try and talk and pray some more. Chilli, take care and know that many people are praying for your son and your family. Just speaking from our own experience.

Mely
I totally agree that I can't know what my friend is feeling- these past few months have been me as a friend listening - not voicing my opinion because it wasn't asked for- I listen to her frustration, tears , guilt trips.....so it lends my own mind to thinking - my lord- what would I do. My look at this now is that I would take my kid into a program and I would eliminate these new friends - at 15 years of age I would as a parent because I , as a parent have no tools to deal with the grip of drugs- watching my best friend and her daughter deal with this has shown me that a wise , patient, intelligent parent like my pal seems almost powerless to deal with her child. My friend has chosen her path and it IS heart breaking because I love her kid and it is just a train wreck with my pal watching with enormous grief in her heart!
THis child still lies , manipulates, steals , ....just to be able to get her next hit.
No- I can never know what that feels like as the parent or the child because there but by the grace of god could be me.

I do think it is important to know the type of drugs.

There is a major difference between a kid who skips schools for a term and lets his grades drop as he smokes pot and/or drinks beer, and one who is "looking for a hit".

I may be projecting here, but as a parent who has gone through this, for me there was a fear if I pushed too hard I would lose him entirely. Now it can be argued that this creates a codependency but that doesn't change either the fear or the result.

Before I had my son I worked at the Hospital for Sick Children's Psychology Department, I saw more than enough adolescents and parents damaged by this type of thing than I care to remember. The ones damaged most were the ones who cut ties, either the child ran away or the parents locked the door. Neither coped with this and it left a permanent impression on me.

IMHO, adolescence is a horrible time. It is full of contradictions, change, fear, loss. That any of us come out of it in one peice never ceases to amaze me.

I don't think any one method will work for every family but I do believe that the door must be kept wide, that love must over ride condemnation, that to survive we must hold each other close and not let go.

ps...i thought the title of this thread was about me, in one particular high school year, at first read. (you wouldn't believe the relief, when I figured out, it wasn't me.).

For that reason, I also say, keep the doors open, and offer love

thanks for all the kind words so far. I guess we'll keep the doors of communication open with my son, and not kick him out as that will shut things down......my son has not come off the tracks completely as he is still playing hockey on a regular basis......I'm starting to think that he needs to find something he can focus on that will take him off the "drug track", however it does not appear to ba a job, as I also know that as it relates to money, it is easier for him to make a "small profit" while supplying his friends with the drugs they need, than working at a menial job that pays minimum wage....his comments to me as well are that 75% of people in his high school do drugs, and there is no deterrent from the police either so what is the worry?........and as the story continues, my daughter who is in grade 9 is planning on going to the cottage with us this weekend with some of her girlfriends, and coincidentally I get a call this morning from the father of my daughter's friend who is asking me to "watch out" for drug usage, as his daughter appears to be getting into this realm............sheesh.......

As a teenager who has been through somewhat of the same thing, all I can say is your son will realize what those drugs are doing to his body himself. Perhaps you can ask a non-druggie friend to maybe talk to him about it, if he's turning out what you're saying.

Metta wrote:
My look at this now is that I would take my kid into a program and I would eliminate these new friends - at 15 years of age I would as a parent because I , as a parent have no tools to deal with the grip of drugs- watching my best friend and her daughter deal with this has shown me that a wise , patient, intelligent parent like my pal seems almost powerless to deal with her child. My friend has chosen her path and it IS heart breaking because I love her kid and it is just a train wreck with my pal watching with enormous grief in her heart!
THis child still lies , manipulates, steals , ....just to be able to get her next hit.

I'm sure you are a helpful and compassionate friend and don't give any unasked-for advice, and are just expressing your thoughts here, not things you would say to her.

The way you are thinking is much the way I used to think before my kid went off the rails. Its easy to say you would eliminate the new friends, but in practice just how are you going to go about this? In my experience, its pretty much impossible to control who they hang around with unless you have the kid locked up somewhere. If they go out on their own at all--to school, or whatever, you really don't have any way of knowing what they are doing or who they are associating with. It would be nice if we could implant them with some sort of GPS chip or something, but short of that, parents are powerless and must rely on hope, trust and prayer. You can try to "ground" them...good luck with that if you have an addicted child. Believe me, it won't work unless your have a locked room with bars on the windows, or you can physically overpower the kid and are prepared to devote 24/7 to guarding him.

When my daughter was staying out all night (when she was 15) there was nothing we could do. We tried phone the police--they just gave us the brush off and told us there was nothing they could do. We tried driving around and looking for her--never found her that way. I remember once we found out where she was (in a what was basically a crack shack) and we drove over there in the middle of the night and tried to make her come home. She refused. We could not make her come with us (it would have taken physical force). We threatened, pleaded, yelled, reasoned, etc, etc, etc. --nothing did any good.

Our friends who knew what was going on were thinking things like "well, I'd never let MY daughter stay out all night." I used to think that way too. Now I know that it is not a question of "letting" them do anything. If she just doesn't come home from school, and still hasn't shown up by bed time...and still hasn't shown up by the next morning, and you have phoned every one of her friends and acquaintances you know about (several times), and the police (who tell you there is nothing they can do), and she doesnt answer her cell phone (which you gave her in hopes of keeping track of her--but she frequently "lends" in exchange for drugs)...well there is just not a lot you can do in that situation. I remember I would just sort of curl up in a fetal position on a chair in the living room and sob, clutching the phone, while my husband lay on the couch in quiet despair, or went out and drove around looking for her downtown.

Trust me when I say that parents don't have any where near as much control over their kids as they think they do. And I never ever imagined in a thousand years that this would happen in MY family--since I had read all the books and raised her to be secure and confident, and we had an intact family, and my older three kids did alright and we lived in a nice suburb, yadayadayda. I figured this would only happen to kids that were neglected or abused, or maybe to kids whose parents were excessivly strict (pick your favourite theory--they are all crap)

As for locking them out, or kicking them out of your house--that just drives them further into the arms of pimps and pushers, and also goes against every instinct, and fiber of my being. We would NEVER have done that. Never.

THis child still lies , manipulates, steals , ....just to be able to get her next hit.

That pretty much goes along with the active addiction. Hence the joke:
Q: How can you tell when an addict is lying?
A: Their mouth is moving.

I had a 16 year old move in under my roof. She smokes pot regularly and is failing in school. She shows little interest in it and her school feels the same. Their lack of enthusiasm is exacerbating hers.

She was basically abandoned by her abusive stepfather and unresisting mother at 12. She lived with her senile great granny till last February when the old dear got very sick. Then she couch - surfed till summer to stay in her old High School in Stratford.
Now she lives at my place half a block from her sisters and her (indignant) stepfather who is now trying to move away.

All I can do is be there and keep her safe. I can't put her into any "program". She is too street tough. The long-term failure rate of government programs especially the CAS is so high the horrifying statistics are suppressed.

I know I spoil her and somewhat enable her, but I know she doesn't do heavier drugs or sleeps around. She regularly tests my restraint, but her social skills are excellent and she is literate (no guarantee in today's high schools).

The parenting motto in my family is "Keep them alive till they're 25 and don't sweat the small stuff". Surprisingly, they all make out OK in the long run

"Keep them alive till they're 25 and don't sweat the small stuff"

There is a lot of wisdom in that.

heh sl..thank-you

I've definitely been down this road too. There were times I'd say - well, let's see ... nobody's in jail, nobody's pregnant ... I guess we're doing okay.

Adolescence can really be horrendous - for kids AND parents, IMO. It's never something parents can really be prepared for - we read the books, do all we can toraise great kids who have terrific values etc. and then WHAP - adolescence - all hell breaks loose sometimes.

One thing that kept me going was having lived through my younger brother's turbulent adolescence many years ago - expelled from public school, expelled from private school, wrecked a few cars, drugs & drinking, arrests, ran away many times, etc. etc. Now he's 48, married, is a very fine Dad, fully employed professional person, salt-of-the-earth kind of guy, and I'm so proud of him.

let's see ... nobody's in jail, nobody's pregnant ... I guess we're doing okay.

LOL. And to think I used to worry about purple hair and tattoos. Now I know that its really only the life-threatening thing you should worry about.

Heck, purple hair, tatts, piercings, goth clothing, horrible misogynist "music"... been there ... that's the small stuff!.

SLJudds said "Keep them alive til 25" - great motto! There were times I certainly said to my daughter, "I just want both of us to still be alive 10 years from now, because I know things are going to be so very different." (And by the way, she's 23 now, and most of the time we're so much better together!)

Sometimes I think about the horrible tragedy it must be to suffer the death of either a child or a parent while in the turmoil of adolescence. To have that tumultuous time be the finishing point of a relationship would be so awful.

My wild-child daughter is 22 -- she still has purple hair and tattoos, but she and I get along very well now and I no longer lose sleep over her (for today, and by the grace of God). She is almost finished university and just got elected as a student member of the board of governors. She seems so mature and accomplished now--sometimes I can't believe she is the same person that gave us so much grief when she was 14 - 16 (I described some in an earlier post on this thread) Its like looking back on a bad dream now.

My other daughter, who is 30, is a joy to us also--she is the one whose pictures I have been posting in the "baby carrying" thread. She never gave us any problems as a teenager and has always been rather quiet and shy.

My theory is that every baby is born with a personality, and there is simply not much anyone can do to change the fundamental nature of that personality--especially traits such as shyness/outgoingness, risk-taking, etc.

I definitely don't have the answers and we are still struggling with this in our own family. We have two teenage sons who think marijuana is cool and that we are old fashioned and judgemental for thinking otherwise...
Nobody really knows what to do until they are faced with it in their own family but one thing that has struck me as we are dealing with our own sons experimenting with drugs, fighting, lying etc.. is having them look at their values.
What are they getting out of it? What void is it filling? What is important to them? We speak very open about this with our sons, making it clear that we don't accept their experimenting with drugs but at the same time knowing that, ultimately they are not under our thumb 24/7 and have to learn to make wise decisions for themselves.
We have found them a counsellor to help us and them make sense of where this behavior is coming from...
We've made them appointments with our family doctor, hoping she will get across the health risks involved...
We spend a lot of time talking...
Is it dissapointing? Yes. We've worked hard to give our sons an incredibly secure and fortunate life. Are we surprised? Yes. We never thought "our" sons would get into this stuff. Are we going to keep loving them through it? Absolutely.
Somehow I find reading these posts encouraging. To know we are not alone as parents. That even "good parents" have kids that make bad choices and we just have to hope and pray for their safety as we love them through it.

Welcome Brightsides,
You sound both wise and compassionate. My thoughts and prayers are with you as you continue along your journey.

As a note, I know adults who are fine upstanding citizens who consider pot-smoking the same as alcohol.

I would ask, would you be concerned in the same manner if you replaced the actions, and the result from pot to booze.

If you would, great.
If you aren't, if pot is seen as much worse, then, you may wish to consider why that is, and approach it from the perspective of societies standards and rules. It may provide better communication channels with your kids.

You're right there are a lot of adults who don't seem to worried about Pot, especially where we live in BC. Whether you are using alchohol or marijuana to cope it is still an addiction or leading towards one and the two can certainly be equally detrimental.
But I believe pot is worse than alchohol, mainly because pot production is not regulated. There are no standards that can assure you of how much and what you are getting in a joint. The only way to be sure of what you are getting is growing it yourself, which could get you in big trouble and is certainly not an option for a teen. Atleast you know what you are getting with alchohol. You know there is more alchohol content in a vodka than a beer and you know that if you are opening a sealed beer that someone hasn't added other addictive substances to it (Not so if someone hands you an open alchohol container but that is a different topic altogether...)
I know I am biased against marijuana because I have seen first hand the detrimental affects of even casual marijuana use on people I love. I have seen how its "calming" effects spill over into other areas of a persons life so that they can't focus on important things happening in the present, even when they aren't high.

One should remember that teenage brains are still forming - thus some danger with any substance - even cigarettes. There is no one size fits all - some get lost and some get found - Peers are so crucial and talking is crucial - And there is a difference if it is an adult or a teenager in how one responds.... in the case of adults there are limits to support.

regarding the debate on mj vs. alcohol......well my son is 17, and in some countries of the world, he'd be into his second year of "legal" drinking age........I personally only consume alcohol and no drugs, however I dont' really consider mj to be much different..... I guess the issue is that, it is fine if you are going to consume alcohol or mj, however you still need to get up in the morning and attend school, do homework, etc.......this is what he has not been doing lately.....however we've been able to register him in a different school now, and he is agreeable to this, so hopefully a *fresh* start will get him focused.........oh boy........

oh, as to comment about how you can tell if a pot smoker is lying....when their lips are moving.....I actually heard that one first about salespeople....lol!

great news chili.

ps...i agree, pan. the people that i saw the most damaged were sniffing glue as young teens. Then again, to be foolish enough to sniff glue, realistically, they were already damaged.

Brightside wrote:
I have seen first hand the detrimental affects of even casual marijuana use on people I love.

Me too. And marijuana certainly is at least as addictive as alcohol. Its just a myth that it is not addictive. It always seems strange to me when people defend mj by saying it is no worse than alcohol, as if alcohol is some benign and harmless substance. I've read that more than half of all hospital admissions are caused directly or indirectly by alcohol. Not to mention a litany of other horrors that alcohol is responsible for. The only reason mj seems better than alcohol is because it is not used as widely.

God bless you for being a loving, caring,concerned and interactive parent. Unfortunately in some cases that isn't enough and never will be. You appear to be doing all you can. I hope you and your spouse are taking good care of yourselves during this extremely challenging time in your lives. If I may offer advice from personal experience, make sure you are taking care of yourselves because if you don't you can wind up very ill and then unable to address any of your concerns. Be a role model by taking care of yourselves. If you neglect yourselves you may be unwittingly giving your teen the idea that they have 'power' over you. That is not a good thing to do, because then the teen will act out every time they want attention or want to feel a sense of power or control.

Drug and alcohol abuse alters our common sense and judgement skills. If we abuse alcohol or drugs just to get attention, we are clearly not thinking right. Sometimes depression is the cause of the abuse which can be also masked as anger in a teen.

Some people become more needy than others and take from people what is not theirs to take. But they only take what we allow them to. Boundaries boundaries boundaries. I am a broken record when it comes to personal boundaries especially when one is facing circumstances such as yours.

God be with you and yours.

Sounds like the kid is having fun. That's great that he has made some new friends. Party On !!!

Meh, I think it's partially the structure of High School that's to blame here as much as anything. The kids are being forced to study a fairly wide range of subjects during high school. Chances are, most of the topics are simply boring. Our kids seemed to really turn things around during post-secondary education, when they could study subjects of their choice. It's easier to focus, when you're interested in the subject matter...

As has been noted kids often turn it arround in post-secondary education. And I have seen this happen in the working world. For many there comes a time in the late teens when a child turns into an adult, seemingly overnight. I don't know why.

So have hope.

Pax

I'd have to say; Get a backbone! First of all, it is not the school's fault your kid is experimenting with drugs. Most kids will try them. The ones who continue to use find that it eases some pain in their lives. Usually the break-up of a child's parents causes considerable mental pain that is certainly eased by smoking a few j's and drinking some booze...You need to tell your kid in no uncertain terms that you will not stand by and allow him to ruin his life by the use of either. It's simple really...He's not 19 or 21 (depending on where you are) so it is illegal to drink alcohol and the other crap is illegal for everyone. He also needs to know that it is in no way his fault that you failed to keep your marriage together. Wishy-washy parenting does not work. You are in charge and as long as the kid is eating your food and living under your roof, he has to follow your rules. And then be sure to spend lots of time with him and give him lots of love. Boys need a project to work on with their Dads after school and on weekends. An old car is usually good but maybe the house or yard needs some renovation...Maybe your church needs some work done on their building? Whatever works for you. Take responsibility man...Good luck and may God bless you as you make an effort to be a BIG part of your boy's life.

If he is only doing weed and hash there isn't much to worry about. Almost all adolescents try those drugs at some point and may continue to do so throughout their life. Its not an indication of anything, its them just wanting to do it. I have completed college with a 85 average and have smoked on occasion. Teenagers all hit a phase where they want to distance themselves from their parents and life in general. School is a very stressful time, not only in the academic aspect but also the in the social one. They need an escape and there are much worse things that he could do to escape.

Now if he is into harder drugs, thats an indication of something entirely different and something that he is going to need professional help with. Its never okay to be doing cocaine occasionally or any other chemical drugs because they affect different centres of your body in very negative ways.

More then likely, its just a teenage phase where he is trying to find himself and find where his passion lies. I knew exactly what I wanted to do with my life until gr.12, then I didn't want to do that anymore and I was lost without a direction. Give him some time, talk to him but also give him space.

Getting your son or daughter arrested for possession of drugs is not going to help. Our son looked old for his age in high school, he was able to buy alcohol easily when he was 17. We told him when he was younger that he needed to use a condom, not play drinking games, and not do cocaine, heroin, meth, or nicotine because he would be hooked. Alcohol OD is just as dead as any other OD, and it's a lot more common.

We had problems with him in high school, especially in that horrible Grade 12, and he barely graduated, but I'm not sure if the partying with his friends caused the hatred of school, or the other way around. He definitely got the message from the teachers that he had to forget his boredom and work hard to get to post-secondary education. That kept him away from school for five years before he found out there was a place where students wanted to learn and teachers weren't serving out their years of retirement in misery.

Incidentally, he doesn't drink, but he does smoke more marijuana now than he did in high school. He quit for one semester because I was worried, but his grades were as high as ever. I'm more worried about my neice, who's away from home at UVic partying with all the 1st year dorm.

Hello Chili,
My son has struggled with drug use for quite a few years now. He was politely asked to leave school about 4 years ago because he wasn't attending and it was really a waste of tme. It has been a source of stress and disappointment for both my husband and myself, almost causing the end of our 20 year marriage at one point.

My husband has really chosen to write our son off and doesn't like to discuss to deal with it. I have chosen to accept my son for his faults and realize that you can't fix people that don't want to be fixed. I love him as a person but he knows that his drug use and his behavious is not exactly appreciated in our house.

I was disappointed to find when my son was much younger and a minor that there was no program in our area to which we, as his parents and guardians, could make him enter. Even as a minor the young person had to request treatment. I remember really giving the person on the phone trouble because I thought as a parent I should be able to have him enter treatment without his approval. I still believe if that was the case we may have been able to end this problem much earlier.

Now my son is 21 not really working and living at home. He keeps talking about changing his life but I have now come to accept that for the most part these are just lies told to keep him from getting kicked out of the house.

As I said, I love him and still hope everyday to have back the son I lost so many years ago. I see glimpses of him every once in a while and that keeps the hope alive.

hey...just relax...he's prolly just experimenting

So chilli? How is it going for you and your family? Did you all survive the season of insanity? ;-) (I raised teens and it was always insane at this time of year with them out of school) I hope everyone is well and doing fine.

so my son will be attending a different school on Friday of this week....hopefully a new environment, new friends, diffenet attitudes will enable him to focus on studies.....sounds like he is looking forward to the change.....he also started a part-time job recently and seems to be enjoying this as well......he is still playing hockey which is good, however he is still consuming drugs and staying up until all hours......he is pretty franc with me about this whole situation now, and even tells me that he is able to "profit" by his friends mj needs......I told him that he needs to be careful and should plan on stopping this type of actifvity as he will not be a minor when he turns 18, and having a criminal record can limit your future.......we've been chatting about careers, and making money, and he definitely is a capitalist, so again, hopefully he can find direction at his new school..........

I see alot of positives in your remarks about your son. A big positive is that he is still playing hockey.

Keeping that focus shows that perhaps the issue with school is boredom. high school can be extrememly tedious and irrelevant for many teens.

Lets hope a new school will help.

If he is talking, doing hockey, sometimes attending school,; things are probably ok.

I wouldn't be too quick to draw lines in the sand but would try to be supportive and nonjudgemental while at the same time expressing your own oppinions on drug use.

My son and his friends often talked about how relaxing marijuana was, seemed to be the reason for the use, we talked about other healthier ways to relax.

thanks....I think you might be right.....just a phase and now things are settling down.....I don't TELL him what to do, however I do suggest and provide my opinion........

God bless.

My son dabbled with pot as i think alot of kids do.

If you can keep your son engage in sports, and family and maybe school he wil be fine.

School can be so irrelevant.

i hope you have found a good alternative type school that will let him get his credits but give him room to explore,

for my son it was music that kept him on track and maybe for your son it will be hockey. That is ok. keep him involved, support him all the way and be there.

And it won't hurt to talk about how drugs, alcohol affect his abilities in sports

...ok, no more school....he is missing hockey because he is working most of the time.....frustrating, so we'll have to see what happens?....he is now making his own decisions..............I pray he'll come to his senses!........

So, does anyone know of any websites, resources that we can use to find out what it is my son does want to do?..........He is focused on work, but hates going to school......he likes playing sports, but work is taking precedence.......he wants to make money, and he is intelligent and has done quite well in school in the past (without doing much homework).....any ideas?

My son, who's now almost 21 sounds very similar to yours. He finished grade 12, got early acceptance at university but didn't want to go - didn't really know what he wanted to do. He kicked around for a year (we insisted he work full time, which he did at min wage dead end jobs - good learning!) then decided he wanted to go into a trade.

He went back to his high school, persuaded them to take him back so he could do a co-op year in a trade. He thought he wanted HVAC, but got a placement with a plumbing firm & really liked it. They took him on full time & kept promising apprenticeship, but after a while he figured out it wasn't going to happen, for reasons beyond his control.

In the meantime, while on various plumbing jobs, he'd met other tradespeople, chatted up the ones he liked & collected their business cards - so he called one guy & was hired on right away - but changed fields. Nevertheless, all his hours still counted toward apprenticeship. So now he's officially registered as an apprentice electrician, loves what he does every day, and really couldn't be happier!

I guess I'm telling you this, because for a kid who likes to DO stuff, and finds school boring (as my gifted kid did) - don't rule out the trades. Excellent money, great job market, lots of room for entrepreneurship ... pretty smart move I think.