I agree. I didn't wait, but in retrospect which I had.
Promiscuity is a problem with young girls - I really think (yes, I'm going to get grief for this one) it's the whole 'why buy the cow if you can get the milk free' analogy.

So now I ask all the young men reading this, do you truthfully respect a woman more if she hasn't slept around?

I'm going to be very generalist with this post. I'm not going to say whether I agree or disagree that everyone should wait until marriage to have sex. But I do agree that everyone needs to put some substantial degree thought into it rather than just jumping in the sack.

What I will say is that everyone, especially young people, must be made aware of and have an understanding of all the information and options that are out there before they make a choice, as well as a full understanding of all the potential consequences of their decisions. They should be made aware that they have the right to accept or refuse things, and MUST be educated on what things are legal and illegal. They must be solidified in their own beliefs on the matter and not go against them.

So in the end, I won't say that everyone should wait until marriage to have sex. But they should wait at least until they are really ready, whether that may be before or after marriage.

While I don't really feel promiscuity is right for me, I'm now seriously confused by the fruitfullsex thing.

TV tells me that fruit juices (when) combined are good for me.

the problem with having sex before marriage is that what will you tell you children. Can you tell them to abstain?

I believe that there are no easy answers to this question. As a parent all you can do is to raise your children the best that you can... including educating them about all sides of the issues and then hope that they will make smart choices. The key is education. We cannot be with our children every minute of the day. If they are prepared for what they will face in the world we can help to protect them from things like STD's, unwanted pregnencies, etc. We have to realize that once our children leave our sight they will do what they will do... we can only hope that we have raised them the best that we can and that we are they for them if they fall.

Short of a resurgence in the sale of industrial strength chastity belts, you ain't gonna stop premaritial sex. One single friend I know has the policy of waiting for two months in a new relationship before introducing sex into the mix. Her logic being that if you still like each other after that period of time, the 'bad judgement-impulse factor" should have passed. Of course you can never rule out the bas taste factor... ;-}

What will you tell your children? That you didn't wait for marriage and that's fine!

As far as I can see, you teach your kids about the physical ramifications and dangers, but they have to make their own decision about when to do it for the first time. All you should do is support them. There will be some pain, but that's just part of growing up.

My parents instilled the 'wait for marriage' thing in my mind. It took years for me to come to terms and realize that not waiting wasn't some black mark. I did what I did, it contributed to who I am, and I'm happier and comfortable in my sexuality. If they'd just let me figure things out, I would have been a lot happier and probably would have taken fewer risks.

Do you really want to load up your kids with guilt and stunt their sexual development? Don't make sex a taboo subject - it's better you know where your kids are REALLY at and REALLY be there for them in the issues they face.

I am not sure if premarital sex is a cause of marital unhappiness. I think it could be a factor, but I am not sure it is the main factor or even a major factor.

I encourage people to make sex special - a special person, for a special reason, in a special place, and at a special time. When people try to make sure sex is special and that respect is being shown, I think many of the problems of premarital sex will be reduced. Generally, sex this type of special sex and respectful sex is better shown within a long-term relationship.

Gary

"But if I wait till I get married how will I know if I will like having sex with that person?" Common question -uncommon answer. Wait till you're married for sex, then it'll be the best sex you ever had!!! May God Bless You Richly!!!
Real Truth!!!

My parents always told me to wait. Neither one of them were true to their preachings, which I must say made them look like huge hypocrites in my mind. They didn't come out and say they had done it, but when I had calculated the time I was born between the the time they were married (less than 9 months before)...at an early age I was able to figure out their blatant lies. They are still happily married 20+ years later, so I don't think having sex before their marriage ruined anything between them. And what about the people that wait and then end up getting a divorce? I have to admit that after my first time, I knew the sex was bad (maybe I had read too many romance novels :) haha). But if I had been married to that person, I would have probably been highly disappointed in that department for the rest of my life. To be perfectly honest, I probably would have either cheated on them or gotten a divorce. I think by preaching hypocracy (also adding to that topic gay priests/pastors condemning homosexuals)... we are only weakening our verbal influence over children. Just be honest. Be truthful about being "only human". I would have respected that a lot more. Because once you find out that the people (your parents) you thought would always be truthful to you know matter what - are hypocritical liars - then who are you to trust and believe in after that? Just my personal opinion.

Also - I don't think losing my virginity was a mistake and I don't like that people are calling it that. I hardly ever think about it anymore... and have accepted the fact that it happened. I went through the "black mark" phase like described in a post above... the next day I thought everyone knew, even those who had never even met me. I thought they could see right through me and that I was damned to hell forevermore. Then I got over it.
I told myself that it was ridiculous to punish myself for doing something so natural. I felt guilty for no tangible reason at all... due to the fact that my parents and church had subliminally made me into an outcast of society. I hope that in the future those who preach against premarital sex realize how they are negatively affecting individuals. I know people that have been scarred for life. Luckily I was fortunate enough to open my mind and forgive myself inside. Even though I had done nothing wrong, which is the saddest part of it all.

For me marriage is about compatability and how we compliment and challenge each other.

That includes a person leaving towels on the bathroom floor, that includes who gets up to walk the dog, and who actually takes the garbage out of the bin, and who starts supper when we get home. Why is sex any different? Shouldn't people know what they desire and like, and figure that out before they commit for life? It could end up being a sexless marriage where no one takes out the pooch or the garbage! Scary.

Drink Guiness. Jesus would have.

I don't think that sex before marriage automatically equates to "promiscuity". I had pre-marital sex, and ended up marrying my partner. We were so young when we met, it was ten years before we were married. So, honestly, I think for me, personally, it was the right choice. We thought about it a lot, and made sure we both were ready, and in fact we had been together almost 2 years before it happened anyways, it wasn't something we took lightly. I wasn't sleeping around, I was participating in a relationship where we were exclusive to each other, and were deeply in love, and still are. I think that if the time is right for you, and you love the individual you are with, then it is your choice to make, and not for me to judge. And when my daughter asks me, I will be honest with her, and let her know that I will support her no matter what. The key is to arm your kids with the information they need to protect themselves, should they decide to have sex. You can't stop them, so make sure they are ready to do it the right way, the safe way. That's my job as a mom.

I have to say that I have done it both ways! I was a promiscuous teenager and therefore not a virgin when I married the first time around.....all of my former relationships were based more on the physical than anything else. This time however, I have been married for a year and a half and I remained celibate for many years in between relationships. My husband and I built a relationship on friendship and trust and common likes and dislikes and once the sex came it was the icing on the cake....just a natural and wonderful bonus!

My aunt once told me "you wouldn't buy a pair of shoes without trying them on first" - this applies to sex. Just be safe.

I think a good thing to remember in this discussion is that our western idea of "marriage" beginning when a wedding with a white dress and black tux and big cake happens, is relatively recent and not found in the Bible. In Biblical times, all it said was that a man and a woman left their parent's homes and created a home together, and were married by that action. So waiting for all our children to have the white wedding before they have sex with their partner is a quite artificial limitation imposed culturally by man, and not by God. God did design us to be monogamous and not promiscuous, and I think that promiscuity and sex with the wrong people for the wrong reasons does result in a lot of hurt. But sex with your loving partner before your wedding day seems just fine to me.

I think in Biblical times, the sanctity of relationships and especially engagements and marriage were of a much greater calibre, and therefore if you had moved out of your parents' home and in with a partner, it was pretty much a guarantee of a life-long relationship. I believe some things in the Bible need to be contextualized to the day and age that is being lived; I think these days we use marriage as the "Biblical standard" for acceptable sex because the fact is outside of that, people are having sex all the time saying that they're "with the love of their life" and will most definitely be getting married to the person they're having sex with. I know based on many of my friends' experiences that this doesn't always happen. Marriage (with regards to sex) is kind of what tries to guarantee that fact that you truly will be with this person and this person alone for the rest of your life, and we know that that's also not often the case -- it's called divorce.

I don't know...I'm a teen, and after a couple of years of thinking about it I made a promise and sealed it with a ring, the promise being no sex until I'm 20, at which time I will reflect on my beliefs on this issue and if I still believe premarital sex is wrong, then I can extend the promise till marriage. If not, then I've still kept my original promise and probably been better off for it. I made this decision with the help and witness of my two youth leaders who I asked to hold me accountable in this area; I didn't make this promise IN SPITE of the fact that sexual relations were a big temptation for me, I made it BECAUSE of that. I know what I believe, and I know what my hormones tell me, and I wanted to make sure I stuck to my love of what I believe God wants for us, instead of going with what my love of "in-the-moment" feelings tell me. I personally needed to take measures and have a 24/7 physical reminder of those measures on my finger.

I like using analogies and mental images as reminders when I'm struggling in any area; when dealing with the issue of sex, I picture myself at the altar with my soon-to-be husband. I picture him saying the vows, knowing I am the only one, that he's never slept with any other woman, and then I picture me: in one scenario, I'm saying my vows to him knowing that as a teen, young adult, whatever, I made the right decision to wait for my future husband. In the other, I picture every guy I've ever had sex with standing next to my fiancé, and he turns to see them and realizes that while he waited for his future bride, I didn't wait for him. It sounds kind of crazy, and a lot of people may argue that it's not often that both partners remain virgins till marriage, but you know what, I know a LOT of great girls AND guys who are committed to it, and I'm so proud of them for it and I believe their future spouses will be too.

As someone who is single, I believe it is very difficult for anyone who is single to not think about Sex, let alone before marriage. What if you never get married, you supposed to never have it? For myself, I'm not going to sleep around trying to find the right person to be with.

When the time comes for me to meet someone special in my life, then I'll know it. And then me and her can make that decision together as to the right time. I personally, don't think I can wait until marriage. But that doesn't mean I have to be stupid about it. Fact is, sometimes I feel like I'll be single forever and the older I get the more that kind of thinking shapes my mind. It just gets really depressing sometimes, but I know that I should just enjoy what I have right now, rather than wish for something I don't have.

All4Him, I think you've made a really responsible and respectable choice that I wish more teens would make, regardless of thier religion. And for the record, while I state that I don't have a big problem with couples having sex before their wedding, I did actually wait until marriage myself, as did my husband. We are both glad we did.

I see what you mean about current western weddings signifying the starting point of a hoped-to-be permanent, monogamous marriage. However, I still think that we need to remember that this is a human construct, not one established by God, and therefore we need to take the harsh judgement away from people who choose other forms of life-long monogamous relationships. For instance, I have an uncle who has never married his girlfriend, but they have been living as a couple in a faithful relationship for over twenty years and have raised a family together. They just didn't see the point in the wedding and legal contract of marriage when they felt they already had that in their hearts with each other. My mother, whom I love dearly but often disagree with, believes that this uncle has been "living in sin" for twenty years due to the simple fact that he's having regular sex with a woman he is not "married" to. However, I believe that this couple's relationship reflects God's intentions for our sexual lives in it's permanence and monogamy, so I personally do not have a problem with it.

Let's then look at the other side. I have a close friend who strongly believes that any sexual activity with a man before the wedding day is a "sin". She dated her husband for two years before marrying him, and they never did anything more than kiss a bit during their courtship. She and her husband even decided not to lay down together on a couch to watch television, or that sort of thing, to avoid being in a position where they may feel temptation. This woman married her husband and had very romantic notions of what her wedding night would be like. However, she ran into a very big problem on the night itself. She found that it was very difficult for her mind, heart, and even body, to go from the firm belief that a certain action (sex) is wrong one day, and then totally okay the next, due only to a short little wedding ceremony. She was unable to have relations with her husband on their wedding night because she was so used to feeling that sex was "wrong" and "bad" and "a sin" that she could not change her feelings about it and perform the act, despite the fact that her belief systems did now permit it. Needless to say this was pretty upsetting for both of them. While this may be an extreme case, I think more of my very conservative Christian friends (of which I have many) have encountered similar problems when they get married. One acquaintance even ended up going to the emergency room on her wedding night, believing that there was something physically wrong with her because of her experience, when the whole problem was an inability to "perform" due to her feelings of doing something "dirty".

So, my long-winded point is that while monogamy within a lifelong relationship is God's design for us, and should be followed whenever possible, maybe as Christians in the western world we need to realize that monogamy within a lifelong relationship does not necessarily equal waiting until you're married to have sex. Just something to think about.

I really enjoy reading your input on the subject, Jeannette...seems a lot of times when this subject is approached it gets too heated too quickly. I appreciate many of your points, they make me think! :-)

I enjoy sharing physical intimacy with my partner...
which corresponds with the emotional and spiritual intimacy i have with her...

and do not see why anyone would benefit from interfering with this...

i would definately encourage people to be honest and caring with their sexual relationships... to take precautions from pregnancy and disease...

and to look after their emtional, spiritual, physical well-being
as well as their partners...

no deception... no manipulation... no need to feel guilt or make anyone feel guilty for wanting to or not wanting to express themselve sexually...

just treat each other and yourself well...

Take care everyone...

phil

I'm curious about that statement: "God did design us to be monogamous". I don't see human beings this way but rather I see us as being part of a culture that supports (in some ways) monogamy. All around me, though, are suggestions that human beings are capable of being polyamorous. If we were designed to be monogamous, we would be incapable of being with more than one lover in our lifetime and we know that isn't the case. For example, our faith history includes many stories that include polygamy.

People engage in sex for all kinds of reasons, some of them related to marriage, others not. For those who are travelling spiritual paths, those journeys can certainly be enhanced by loving our marriage partners sexually but there are so many other reasons that people behave sexually. It is up to each person to make those decisions for themselves -- marriage or not.

That said, I hope that our society will acknowledge the reality that people need proper education about all of the ramifications of being sexually active -- not scare tactics or condemnation, just information. (I'm assuming that we're all talking about consenting adults/young adults here.)

Ditto to many of the sentiments. I've also stated my thoughts under the School Questionnaire re: sex. To adress one comment, my husband and I have been married 22 years. We had sex before we were married and now it's the best it's ever been (I know ooo yuck). I don't mind telling my kids this (well, the part about sex before marriage I mean). I had contol over the timing of their birth because I was informed.

I know of someone whose husband left her. She then had a child out of wedlock because she didn't know that birth control can be rendered ineffective when taking antibiotics. She loves her child dearly but, had she been informed, she would have felt she had more control over her life.

Information is crucial to having control over the direction of one's life.

As many have said - think before you jump. And be informed of diseases and birth control. If you think that early or late sex makes a critical difference it doesn't. A good, flexible mind, plenty of compassion and a lot of wisdom are far more important. The Bible has too many easy answers about sex.

I don't think that glib generalizations about what everyone should or shouldn't do really help with the matter. Sex has a tendency to complicate relationships *a lot*, and I feel that for me, unless I'm ready to take that on, I should avoid it. But that's a whole different issue than whether sex should be limited to after marriage.

I would not want to deny my progeny the joys of a loving and pleasurable embrace with a sensitive lover, any more than I would want to deny them the joy of a Mahler symphony or a poem by Yeats. I think that attitudes about sex, especially attitudes about masturbation, have been really harmful to a lot of people. A person should be taught early to love themselves and to feel free to explore their own body, so that when they discover an attraction to someone, they will emotionally be much better prepared for the new feelings that may arise, and from then to make an informed decision about sex. Orgasms are extremely powerful and healthy, and the more profound, intense and frequent the orgasms, the better. As long as people are practising safe and emotionally healthy sex, I think everyone should do it as soon as they feel ready and they have a healthy relationship within which to explore. Whether it's two best friends, or newlyweds, or even strangers, sex can be very fulfilling physically, emotionally and spiritually (if you can call it that), again provided it is safe, willing, communicative and sensitive.

If you wait until you are married for sex, isn't there a strong chance you will marry FOR sex?

And that could prove to be a problem.

graeme

Interesting thought.

Waiting for sex is a ridiculous idea and it is a one that should seriously be dropped! However, I do not promote sexual promiscuity, I do not promote abstinence!

Sex is the most beautiful act you can perform. It is a statement before God of your love for a person. This does not mean you have to be in a marriage in order for this to occur, it just means that it should be for love. So please do not say "Wait till your Married for Sex" it's kind of a fundamentalist idea which is really lame!

If we should wait until we are married before we can have sex, does that mean that gay Americans should be going to Canada to get married?

It's not fair to say 'wait for marriage to have sex' because there are lots of peopleout there in a committed relationship but not married. A marriage license should not be permission to have sex. Commitment to a person should be the deciding factor and whether both partners feel that they're ready for it. I realize that sex is a big deal but I also think that there are way too many negative associatons with it that are just unnecessary because sex can be a great thing under the right circumstances and with the right person.

Waiting to have sex until after you are marriage is a good idea.

BShater; "Waiting to have sex until after you are marriage is a good idea."

I find that suggestion to be insulting. As you already know, except for Canada and residents of Massachusetts, it is not possible for a gay couple to get married in North America.

Why is it a good idea?

I think waiting until your married to have sex is the best thing. Then your not comparing your husband/wife to a past "partner." As far as teaching todays children about it, it should be something they hear from a young age. Everywhere they go they are bombarded with sexual advertising and people telling them promiscuity is ok. My daughter's almost 1 and when I feel she's ready, i will be telling her the truth about sex and how I waited for her father and it was worth waiting for.

It is a personal decision when one decides to have sex, with whom, where, how, for how long...

If someone wants to have sex let'em you can't stop everyone and if you what good are you doing by not letting them learn from there mistakes. Nobody is prefect and not everyone wants to get married and have kids think about that before ranting off people.

Ditto. Sylviac, just because we're not for abstinence doesnt mean that we're all promoting promiscuity. I would like to remind you that the world of most people here isnt as black-and-white as yours.

It is a personal decision when one decides to have sex, with whom, where, how, for how long...

Is the "how long" part really a choice? lol

"when one decides to have sex, with whom, where, how, for how long..."

When, who, where, and how are choices. How long is a function of biology, and speaking from experience... sometimes even a source of embarrassment ;-)

Amen! I agree with you completely.

Although, you did miss the most important reason: because God says so!

That's not what He says to me

Glad I didn't wait. I wouldn't be able to tell a great, somewhat embarassing story about "Unfinished Business"

I am married and have had sex (not in that order) so it is not a decision I am making.
For my children I would hope that the decision to have sex was well thought out and their own choice.
I was sexually active and had various partners before my husband, but he was the first that I actually wanted to be with. I didn't know as a young girl that I had the right to not want to. I thought there was something wrong with me because I didn't. Sex with whomever expected it of me I regret - premarital sex with my husband I don't. Would I feel that way if we hadn't wound up married and forever in love - I think so, but I have not been there so it is my best guess.
I was going to add something about them being grown up but the bad choices I made in my 20's were just as painfull as the bad choices I made in my teens. Of course I am not advocating young teenagers having sex because they really want to, but maybe because you are 19 isn't enough either.
I guess getting back to the original topic - No I don't think everyone should wait until they are married for sex and I don't regret that I didn't.

Witch: It's not God who is speaking to you, it's satan.

Read the bible (God's word) and you will get a completely different message.

Rolloffle - I don't think that is appropriate - back off.

I believe that the Church Lady from Saturday Night Live has Joined the Forum

Do you mean........
S-A-T-A-N

"Witch: It's not God who is speaking to you, it's satan."

And it's not God who is speaking to you as well; it's your own narrow-minded fundamentalist incredulity.

Rolloffle wrote:
"Witch: It's not God who is speaking to you, it's satan.

Read the bible (God's word) and you will get a completely different message."

Sorry Rilloffle, I don't bel.ieve in Satan. Neither does God.

I used to read the Bible a lot. God told me not to bother, as He didn't have any say in what's in it.

I concur with your eloquent prose, Truth Seeker. I can come up with similar parables, given time.

D.E.W.