Respecfully, I think it means that you didn't ask the right question.

Adults think  "how was your day?"  is a good question but its not

Instead try to ask something specific  

teenagers dont' like Q & A very much

AS a parent of two teenagers I can unequivocally that the exact meaning of the situation you describe is....

He's a teenager.

ohh,yeah.

Another question- how long does it last? Is there light at the end of the tunnel?

And why are they behaving at 15 similar to when they were 3 1/2?

1.  As long as the money keeps comin'.

2.  There is also light at the beginning of the tunnel.

3.  Because you are a mad, crazy oppressor who never understands them :3

What is the best composer of all time?

It could mean: -

I haven't made up my mind yet

or

It was lousy, but I don't want to talk about it

or

I tired right now, could we discuss it later, perhaps over supper

or

I think it will be ok but I'm still treading on thin ice

or

what do you care - your just asking because you think its expected of you.

The next question is:   how do we open conversation with these uncommunicative teenagers?     I struggle with that whenever my granddaughter comes over.

it can be hard to get teens to talk and when you ask them questions they think it is some sort of inquisition.

big dilemma especially as it is your step son.

I often used

"anything new at school today?"  Got me sometimes info about friends, sometimes complaints about teachers or courses, sometimes    sullen silence

it passes

I don't have much experience with teenagers, but I do work with 9-12 year olds mostly. When I ask them how school was, I often get a one word answer - "fine" or "good" or "ok." I think it is because the question is too broad. Instead I try to ask them a more specific question like, "Did anything unusual happen in school today?" or "What did you do that was fun today?" Those tend to bring out much more interesting answers.

So my question to whomever chooses to post next is: did anything unusual happen in your life today?

Hi MorningCalm,

It means that your son is a teenager and doesn't feel like talking about it at the moment.

Teenagers are weird they don't seem to appreciate everything that their parents appreciate in precisely the same way.

Plus first days in new schools tend to suck.

Grace and peace to you.

John

I also use specific working in questions - like 'what happened today that was interesting/boring/unusual/neat/new to you' etc. That sometimes is a way 'in' for more info.

Why don't some people seem to care at all when their clothes are crumpled up and messy and piled at the foot of the bed?

Perhaps jae-it means that the 2 of you need to spend time together doing enjoyable activities-and so build a meaningful relationship.

Why don't you ask him to a movie, or go bowling or?????

Money is tight right now what with me being back at school (and in the most expensive Canadian university). Can you think of a fun activity he and I could do for free?

Ooh, I can handle that one. It's cuz it's comfy that way, we're used to it that way, we're too lazy, and someone else is willing to clean up the mess for us (in my case my wife).

 Go for a walk, toss a ball around (baseball, soccer, football, anything he enjoys), check out any free events in your area, play a game of cards.

Ice skating at city hall? Does the ROM have a free day? Do you get a discount for a Timmies coffee?

Tobogganing somewhere!

The 2 of you could cook for his mom!

Changing the oil on the car together.

Going to the SPCA and walking some dogs.

Go to the library together-borrow  a classic movie from there.

Vounteer at the foodbank together.

You tell us jae-who is this 19? year old young man that lives in your basement and what does he like to do?

My 20 year old likes working out in the gym, swimming, watching movies, bowling, cooking, car stuff, computer electronic stuff.

He will play Blokus with me (-a board game.) His favourite time to talk is past 11 pm as I head off to bed. I stop to listen as often as I can.

Tabitha,

That sounds familiar-

why is the best  time for teens to talk when we are just about to fall asleep?

 Because teenagers circadian rhythms are different.

At what age does it become difficult to relate to teenagers?  I don't think I've reached it quite yet.

chemgal - 70 is definitely the wrong age.

Jae, this seems to be an on- going problem with your stepson. It has been going on for a long time.Did you follow through with any of the suggestions that were given to you over the last couple of years on different threads?

O, I try and I try but I see no sign from him that he's really being part of my family. His mother puts it well. He wants his family to consist of he and his mother alone.

That's it, you got it, Tabitha, that's all he likes to do. Live in our basement. Nevertheless I'm going to try the list of things that you and chemgal suggested. Let's see how it goes.

[X] Well, that's one down. I just asked him if he would like to go for a nice walk outside, get some exercise. His answer, no thank you. 

[X] Another strike out. He's not interested in he and I making dinner together for his mom. His answer, No thank u. I said it would be fun, and his mom would like it. His answer, Not even.

Another suggestion:

Have him teach you something.

I am sorry about your troubles, jae. I think that they are more than teenage angst. He is 19. Some kids are married and start families at this age.

How did he make out with his family when he spent time in Korea. Is that where he wants to be?

I think I am behind in what is going on.

This step son is 19?  and at school?  high school or college?

If it is highschool then for sure he feel sout of place by being 19.  that doesn't help with his isolation.

I like the idea of him teaching you something.

does he do any sports/  Martial arts?  you could take something up together at the Y.  Classes are pretty reasonable.

high park rink is open on the pond.  going running is free and exercise and time together.

How about working together to paint his room.  less than $100 to get a couple of cans of paint.

If he needs credits in order to finish high school and get into college, i wonder if some sort of night school is a better choice than a regular high school

Yes, perhaps you're right on that one. He has add, and has just gotten his meds.

Reportedly he made out well. He misses Korea, but I see no great overwhelming desire to live there right now. For one thing if he went back he would soon be drafted into the Korean army, which is something he would disdain. 2-year military service is required of all healthy Korean men.

O dear, I hope I am not monopolizing the thread. Discussing only my son was not the purpose of the op. He is in high school. He was kept back because of his language skills. Really he is quiet fluent in spoken English, but his writing needs improvement.

I bristle at the thought. It would be placing him in a role of superiority.

He has just transferred into an alternative school. We'll see how well that goes.

Jae - I hesitate to give advice.  But I think that this might be one place where you have to keep reminding yourself:  "I'm the adult."   "I'm the adult."   "I'm the adult."

I know that your son is also an adult now, but he is still in school, still living under your roof, and still dependant upon his parents.   So you are still in the roles of parent / child.   As the adult you have to keep trying - even when he keeps closing the door.  

I know it ain't easy.   Granddaughter and I never seem to communicate for more than two minutes now - but she is not quite 14 and moody in a big way.    I do hope that she soon outgrows it.  "I'm the adult.  I'm the adult."  I keep telling myself.

That's why it might be a good idea.  If he's the one leading the activity he might be more interested.  And you just might learn something!

Or alteranating enlist his mom and the 3 of you do something, but something where the 3 of you have to interact and connect.

I bristle at the thought. It would be placing him in a role of superiority.

My hunch is, as most people with ADD, the self esteem is low. What a great way to boost the self esteem by knowing something better than your parent. It might bring you on a level of equality. Scary thought? But isn't that a phase all parents have to go through- to accept their kids as being on the same level?

I am slowly getting used to the fact that my son takes things out of my hand and fixes them faster than I could. Or finds solutions to computer problems. Or puts a piece of furniture together. How else can they prove themselves?

Can he teach you korean? Beat you in his video games?

What do you really loose if you let him be smarter/ better than him?

You might earn his respect by being a good sport?

There is all sorts of help available for ADD nowadays.  My son voluntarily found a counsellor when he finally realised that if he wanted to get and keep a job he HAD to get a handle on his AD behavior. 

The counsellor offered him pages and pages of info on coping strategies and helped him choose one or two that seemed practical for him and likely to improve an aspect of his life.

He has now been using some of his coping strategies for so long that they have become part of his normal behavior.

A high school kid asked to talk to him awhile ago about handling ADHD and my son was totally honest with him.  "Coping strategies really do work but first YOU have to decide that the ADHD is YOUR problem - not your mom's or the schools."

Hi Jae,

by all means find something he does well and learn it yourself

Korean martial arts?

Korean itself, get him to teach you to read it/speak it

Music  doesw he like to listen or play.  do it with him  Maybe he needs an instrument to learn to play

19 is old for highschool, and having ADD and being kept back because of limited English when he arrived only makes it worse.  Must make him wonder why he came

keep offering and don't be offended when you get pushed away.  that is the way of teens.  we offer, they push away and then sometimes there is a glimmer of hope

watch for the glimmers

hi morning calm / jae

your step son is 19?  he is an adult along side with you.  maybe you treat him like he is still a child and that is what makes him withdraw from you. 

when i was 17, i already graduated highschool and was engaged to be married.

he is still in highschool and that is probably frustrating for him at 19. 

if you are looking for some activities to do with him that is beneficial for you both and is free, why not try helping him with his english/communications/writing or whatever it is that is slowing him down in school. 

does he excel in universal subjects like math or science, history, korean, politics, religion...what is he good at that you might need his help with? ask him to teach you and in return you can help him with english. 

he is 19.  this means he is an adult that still struggles with hormones. 

try being his friend.  he probably would benbfit from a friend more than a father right now.  what you do and how you treat him (with respect) will determine your relationship with him in the future. if you are his friend, when he needs fatherly advice he will go to you.

good luck. 

I agree with that.

Mine are 19 and 22 now.

they are adults that still need my support.  Mostly adults with some foolish tendancies at times.

that can be tricky but I always try to remember that they are adults!

when I think back to myself as a young adult.

I was independant of my parents yet still needed their advice and at times their support ( financial and emotional)

It is a tricky line to walk and can be frustrating.

when my 22 year old is home at Christmas and as messy as he was when he was 15 i wonder.  But he is who he is.

I wonder how many credits he is missing.

Surely there are options for adults who need to finish high school credits beyond going to high school.

It makes more sense that he work, Soem type of job, and pick up credits in the evening.  If all that is holding him back form his highschool diploma are a couple of English creidts, it woudl seem there should be options.

A young man of that age needs to get an apprenticship job or get off to college, not linger in highschool and I certainly thought that the TDSB arranged that

Valentine's Day is this week. One thing (maybe the only thing) you two have in common is love felt for the same woman. Get together and do something for her.

As far was who leads..... In a dance, the thing is that it goes smooth. Two people out there who focus only on who is the stronger, more dominant leader can look like syncronized or not so synchronized wrestling set to music. Move together. You also have to do it one step at a time, moving to the moment. If not, it looks like you are working out the choreography. It means sometimes, in a smooth great dance,  the person in the follow position is leading. The other person can insist not. It also means they dance alone, dance terrible or they sit it out.

[X] Well, that's one down. I just asked him if he would like to go for a nice walk outside, get some exercise. His answer, "No thank you." 

[X] Another strike out. He's not interested in he and I making dinner together for his mom. His answer, "No thank u." I said it would be fun, and his mom would like it. His answer, "Not even."

[X] Since we don't have Blokus, I asked him if he'd like to play a nice game of Milles Bornes tonight. His answer, "No." I asked him if he knew what it was. Told him that it's fun. Mentioned that my Dad and I used to play. He gave no response.

[X] Well, that's one down. I just asked him if he would like to go for a nice walk outside, get some exercise. His answer, "No thank you." 

[X] Another strike out. He's not interested in he and I making dinner together for his mom. His answer, "No thank u." I said it would be fun, and his mom would like it. His answer, "Not even."

[X] Since we don't have Blokus, I asked him if he'd like to play a nice game of Milles Bornes tonight. His answer, "No." I asked him if he knew what it was. Told him that it's fun. Mentioned that my Dad and I used to play. He said that he needs sleep, that he's only had four hours sleep in the last three days.

[X] I thought this was a success. I asked him what he would like us to do for her. He suggested taking her out for dinner. I asked where he would like us to take her. He answered that he's not going and that he doesn't know a good place.

I can see that he wouldn't want to come along for Valentine's dinner - it's kinda  a 'couple's event' - and he may feel out of place.  Also, perhaps he's worried you & his mom would commit an ultimate embarassment - being romanticly goofy in public! 

I don't think you can force a relationship on him ... we've spoken of that before.  You're not his choice, you're his mother's choice - he didn't have any say in this 'relationship' with you.  But as lastpointe suggested - continue to offer & don't take his rebuffs personally (although I know it's challenging not to do so).   

Instead of suggesting to him playing a board game - why don't you sit with him when he's playing video games (as most 19 year olds do that!) and quietly figure out what's going on ... don't talk too much - that'll bug him.   Admire his skill & knowledge ...

Hi Jae,

I've just come across this thread.............

As a step-mother, I agree with carolla, - we were our partner's choice - not our step-children's.

For a long time I had a better relationship with my step-daughters than did their step-father ( their mother's "new" husband).

Looking back I can see some reasons for this. I was nine years younger than their Dad - which meant I was only fifteen years older than my eldest step-daughter. Thus, I didn't see myself in the mother role - more an older cousin or friend.

Conversely, their step-father had four children of his own from his first marriage - and acted in a role that was familiar to him - a father.

My step-daughters resented it big-time. He wasn't their father and they weren't little kids, they were teen-agers.

But, as time has progressed, and they have matured, they now have a better relationship with him. They now have families of their own, and are thankful that their mother has a partner that dotes on her.

My advice Jae, is not to try so hard. If you are going to have a good relationship it will depend on him desiring it also.

If I was in your situation now, I would step back and give him space. 

And whilst I'd be prepared to make some allowances I would be firm in not allowing him to draw a wedge between your wife and yourself.

Hopefully, as he matures, he will come to appreciate your care and love for his mother.

As a teenager, I hated school.

I looked 3 years younger than I was. I was small and looked effeminate (a capital crime in 1960's Calgary). My voice didn't change till I was 17.

I had an extremely high IQ - and ADD.

Asking me "How was your day in school"  was akin to asking a prisoner how his day was in jail.

I don't push my foster kids about school. Most likely it was a nightmare of anxiety.

My 19 year old misses school - but then again, she sold pot to her friends.

my teenagers are 16 and 13, so take it with a grain of salt when i say that all it means when they don't reply is that they are a normal teenager.  also, being seen in public with your parents is somewhat of an embarrassment for most teenagers, isn't it??

my brothers were like this, too... my mom used to just sit with them while they watched tv.  sure, they weren't acutally talking or sharing anything, but they were together, and for them that was enough.

i don't know if that will be effective in your case, jae, but heck it might not hurt to try.  just being in the same room together might just let your son know that you care, even if its because you are both watching CSI or whatever the heck he wants to watch on the tube.

jae,

Thinking of you (in part) as I posted what can your child do better than you?

Your son is now an adult-can vote, drink, make legal decsions etc.

What skill does he have that you don't?

Thank you all for your encouragement and personal stories. You have helped me to see things more clearly.

A couple of updates... My step-son has started going to an alternative school in the Toronto system, the School of Experiential Education. He really seems to like it more than his old regular school and is present at least 75% of the time.

Meanwhile I have more or less decided in my own mind to be his friend and dad but not his father. What I mean by that is that I will act as his friend, he seems open to that, and will give him whatever advice I may have on life should he ask or seem interested. I'm willing to provide the basics of life for him, and a few treats now and then. His mom, however, will have to handle anything tougher than that when it comes to relating to him. She seems open to that. Mostly what she wants in the home is peace and harmony.

The other night my step-son and I had the best conversation we've ever had in the three years we've known each other. We're both in school now and he was asking me questions about the exegetical paper I was writing.

That's wonderful news MC! I hope that when you look back on this decision 30 years from now, you will see that it was a wonderful choice to make - and that your relationship with your step-son will be better because of it. It sounds like a wise choice to this observer.

from what i know of step-parenting, which is pretty much just from observing friends, the choice you have made is probably the best... that being that you will be his friend, rather than try and be his father.