A reporter was doing a documentary on religious life in the middle east. Part of it included a visit to the "wailing wall". She was filming devout Jews approaching the wall, praying, and rolling up the notes, with their special requests to God and putting them in the cracks in the wall. She wanted to observe the scene, and after a few days, she would pick people to interview when they were finished, about their experiences, and why they came here.

She had been observing for a few days, and noticed that among the faithful was one very old man, who was there every day. She decided to approach him.

"Sir, I'm a reporter, filming a documentary and I would like to ask you a few questions about your religious experience. Do you mind?"

"Sure, sure." said the man, "Ask away. What do you want?"

"I've seen you here for the last three days. Do you come here often?"

"I'm 96 years old. I was born in Jerusalem. Every day since I learned to pray, I have come here, except when the wars have kept me away. I will keep coming here every day until I die."

The woman was impressed. This was just the sort of person she wanted to talk to about the truly devout person in the middle east. "Do you have anything special you pray for?"

The man said, "Yes. Something very special. Every day, I pray for the same thing. I pray for peace between the Arabs and the Jews."

"And how does that make you feel?" asked the reporter.

The man replied, "It makes me feel like I'm talking to a friggin' wall."

Sure:

One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him. The scientist walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need you. We're to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don't you just go on and mind your own business?"
God listened very patiently and kindly to the man. After the scientist was done talking, God said, "Very well, how about this? Let's say we have a man-making contest." To which the scientist replied, "Okay, we can handle that!"
"But," God added, "we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam."
The scientist said, "Sure, no problem" and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.
God looked at him and said, "No, no, no. You go get your OWN dirt."

Jesus walks into a motel and goes upto the front desk. He places 3 nails on the desk and says to the clerk "can you put me up for the night?"

Jesus walks into a motel and goes upto the front desk. He places 3 nails on the desk and says to the clerk "can you put me up for the night?"

Knock knock

Who's there?

Me.

What do you get when you combine a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac?
*
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*
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Someone who lies awake at night and wonders if there really is a dog.

The chair of the of the property committee was a shady character.

The church had given him a budget to paint the church, but he decided to skim a bit off the top for himself. So instead of buying a hundred cans of paint, he bought only seventy and added paint thinner to make up the difference. Then he set to work.

Problem was - you could tell that something was off. The paint went on all streaky and in some places you could see the old paint underneath. Not everybody was so pleased with what was happening to the church. As the chair was finishing up the last stretch of wall, the sky grew dark and lightening flashed all around. The chair began to cower, fearful for his life. Suddenly there was a crack in the sky and booming voice cried out: "REPAINT, and THIN no more!"

Q: Why doesn't Jesus play hockey?

A: He keeps getting nailed to the boards.

How about: The United Church - Where there are four commandments and six suggestions.

How many UC board members does it take to screw in a light bulb? Six. One to screw in the bulb, and 5 to form a committee to lament about how much they like the old light bulb better.

Three guys die and arrive at the Pearly Gates at the same time. St. Peter welcomes them but warns them, "Whatever you do, don't step on the ducks." "What ducks?" "Well, God really likes ducks, and there are a lot of them around, so just don't step on them if you know what's good for you."

So the three guys enter Heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks everywhere. One of the new guys up and steps on one. Suddenly, there is a flash of light and a cloud of smoke. When the smoke clears, the man finds himself chained to the most stupefyingly ugly woman he has ever seen.

St. Peter rushes up and says, "See, I told you not to step on those damn ducks! Now you're gonna be chained to this ugly woman for all eternity!" With that, he disappears.

The other two, not wanting to wind up like the first, try to be REALLY careful, but eventually, one of them gets careless and steps on a duck. A flash of light, a cloud of smoke, and he finds himself chained to a woman even uglier than the other guy got. Here comes St. Peter again, really disgusted, and he chews the second guy out and admonishes the third to watch his step.

Time goes by. The third guy is VERY watchful and careful where he steps, and manages to avoid the ducks. Suddenly, one day, without warning, there is a flash of light, a cloud of smoke, and when it clears, he finds himself chained to the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen. As he looks her over with great appreciation, he says "WOW! I wonder what I did to deserve this?" She replies, "Well, I don't know about you, buddy, but all I did was step on one of those friggin'ducks!"

theoblogger

This woman invited about 10 people for dinner So after church, as they sat down to dinner she asked her little girl to say the pray. The little said "But Mom I dont know what to say." The mother replied just say what I usually say. So the little girl bowed her head and said "Dear Lord why on earth did I invite so many people for dinner."

Theoblogger An atheist was lost in the woods when confronted by an angry she bear. He fell on his knees and raised his hands to heaven crying out "Please God help me!"

The streams stopped running and a voice came from heaven saying "Why should I help you? For years you have denied my existence, taught the theory of evolution to the younger generation.

The atheist replied. "It is true I cannot be a hypocrite, but could you please make a christian out of the bear?"

The streams resumed running, the bear fell on his knees raised its paws to heaven and said "For this meal I am about to receive I am truly thankful."

Theoblogger In a catholic school cafeteria a Nun has placed a sign at the beginning of the counter. "God is watching the apples, please only take one."

At the end of the counter someone had placed a sign near the cookie bowl. "Take all you want, God is watching the apples."

Q: Why are Baptists opposed to sex?

A: They're afraid it might lead to dancing.

Q: What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with a Unitarian Universalist?

A: Someone who rings your doorbell but doesn't know why.

Jesus is hanging on the cross, with a large crowd gathered around. He is heard to call out "Peeee-ter ....Peeee-ter ..."

Peter rushes up to the foot of the cross and cries, "Yes, Lord, it is I, Peter, your faithful servant. What is it you wish to tell me?"

Before Jesus can answer, the Roman soldiers grab Peter, beat the snot out of him, and throw him bodily back into the crowd.

Time passes. Jesus calls out again, "Peeee-ter ....Peeee-ter ..."

Peter hobbles up to the cross in great pain and cries, "Yes, Lord, it is I, Peter, your faithful servant. What is it you wish to tell me?"

The Roman soldiers grab him again, beat the living crap out of him, they kick him and stomp him and beat him with the butts of their spears, and finally throw him back into the crowd again.

More time passes. Jesus calls out again, "Peeee-ter ....Peeee-ter ..."

Peter crawls up to the cross in agony from the beatings. This time, the thoroughly bored Roman soldiers ignore him. He reaches the foot of the cross and cries, "Yes, Lord, it is I, Peter, your faithful servant. What is it you wish to tell me?"

Jesus answers, "Peeee-ter ... I can see your house from here!"

A priest was having lunch with a Rabbi. When eating their lunch the priest asked the Rabbi, when are you going to eat ham Rabbi? The Rabbi responded just as quickly. "At your wedding father."

God said to JC, come fourth. And he came fith ond lost the race.

I know it's sick.

klaatu So what was the punch line in your joke?

A man was walking down a country road one day when he came upon Satan sitting at the side crying. He went up to the devil and asked :" Satan why are crying?"

Satan, blubbering and sobbing, looked up at the man and said, pointing to the hamlet down the road: "the church in the village burnt to the ground and the congregation is blaming me for it."

haha

This lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'"

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship the Lord."

"Thank you!" the woman responded.

So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.

The lady puts her female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"

A man ran through a crowded train looking very agitated, calling out, "Is there a Catholic priest on board?"

When he got no reply, he ran back up the train shouting, "Is there an Anglican priest on board?" Still no reply.

By now becoming more desparate, he ran down the train shouting, "Is there a Rabbi on board?"

Eventually, a gentleman stood up and said, "Can I be of any assistance, my friend? I'm a Methodist minister."

The man looked at him and said, "No, you're no bloody good. I need a corkscrew!"

There was a terrible car accident. A woman was lying in the street, covered in blood. Someone in the crowd shouted, "Call a priest!".

The woman opened her eyes and said, "I'm a Unitarian."

"Then call a math teacher!"

A man bought a brand new Ferrari. He wanted to get a blessing for it, so he went to see his priest.

"Father O'Hanlon, can I have a blessing for my Ferrari?"

"Certainly, my son, but what's a Ferrari?"

The man was so incensed that the priest wasn't impressed with his new car that he went right up the street to the first Anglican church he saw.

"Reverent Schmidt, can I have a blessing for my Ferrari?"

"Naturally, but what's a Ferrari?"

The man took off again and stopped at the synagogue two blocks away. "Rabbi Zimmerman, can I have a blessing for my Ferrari?"

"Of course. But what's a Ferrari?"

At last, in desperation, the man wen to the Unitarian Universalist Church. "Ms. Dibble-Fujimoto, can I have a blessing for my Ferrari?"

"Wow!" she said. "You got a Ferrari? Can I have a ride in it?"

The man took the UU Minister once around the block. He then asked, "Now, can I please have a blessing for my Ferrari?"

"Sure. What's a blessing?"

Centuries ago, God came down, went to the Germans and said, "I have Commandments that will help you live better lives."
The Germans ask, "What are Commandments?"
And the Lord says, "Rules for living."
"Can you give us an example?"
God says, "Thou shalt not kill."
"Not kill? We're not interested."
So God went to the Italians and said, "I have Commandments..."
The Italians wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not steal."
"Not steal? We're not interested."
Next the Lord went to the French saying, "I have Commandments..."
The French wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife."
And the French were not interested.
God then went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments..."
"Commandments," said the Jews, "How much are they?"
"They're free."
"We'll take 10."

This lsit si always fun for those who haven't seen it!

This comes from a Catholic elementary school. Kids were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments. They have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., incorrect spelling has been left in).

-In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

-Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.

-Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.

-Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

-The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.

-Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.

-Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.

-The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.

-The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
-Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

-The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

-David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

-Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

-When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

-When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.

-Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

-Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, "a man doth not live by sweat alone."

-It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

-The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels. The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

-One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

-St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

-Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

my very favorite

Doing children's time one Sunday, the minister said "Why is there a pink candle on the third Sunday of Advent?" A wise young 6 year old girl looked up and said, "We were hoping for a girl".

scifi_queen -

There's a wonderful book called "Then Some Other Stuff happened," a collection of writings from eighth grade history students. It's just as funny as your quotes. Out of print, but worth trying to track down. Here's a sample:

"World War I started when this archiduke guy got assinated in a little place called Serbia (green on the map). This guy, whose name was Frances Something, was hair to the throne of Austria-Hungry. One of his students named Boznia shot him one day by jumping on the runnerboard of his car and killed him in cold blood. Then this other guy got on the throne and said 'France did it.' Then some other stuff happened."

Okay, this is an oldy, but still my fave:

As horrible flood waters started overtaking a small town, emergency workers knocked on every door to warn people and encourage them to evacuate.
One man would not leave. "God will save me, " he said.

As the waters rose, he soon found himself forced onto his second floor balcony. As a rowboat came alongside his house and the evacuees started making room for him, he shook his head. "God will save me!" he called over the rain and wind.

The water rose some more and he ended up on his roof, the storm showing no sign of abating. An emergency evacuation boat roared up, and the workers in it called, "Hurry! The storm is getting worse!" But over the din, the man waved them away and yelled, "God will save me!"

Finally, forced to the very apex of his roof, the water swirling around his ankles, the man saw a helicopter swoop down against the winds and lowered a rope ladder. He heard a voice over a loudspeaker say, "Grab the rope, sir! Grab the rope!" But he just folded his arms over his chest, confident the the Lord would save him.

Ultimately, the water overtook him. He drowned and found himself face to face with God in Heaven.
"God!" he said. "I believed in you! What happened?"

God replied, "I don't know pal! I sent you two boats and a helicopter! You tell me!"

:)
AT

A RC Priest gets a haircut. When he goes to pay the barber says no, I can not take money from a man of God.

The next day the barber shows up at work and he finds two bottles of wine and a note of thank you from the priest.

Later an Anglican priest gets a hair cut, and again the barber refuses payment saying he does not take money from men of God.

The next day the barber shows up at work where he finds 4 cakes from the preist, and a thank you note.

Another day a United Church Minister gets his hair cut, and again the barber refuses payment, saying he will not take money from men of God.

The next day the barber shows up at work, where he finds 8 United Church Ministers looking to get their hair cut.

wow those are funny!!!

A man dies and goes to the Pearly Gates. He is given a choice of spending eternity in Heaven or Hell. He asks to take a look first in order to make his decision.

He takes a look at Heaven. All is serene and peaceful. Little angels are floating around. Peaceful music is playing over hidden loud speakers. It seems sort of boring so he asks to see Hell.

In Hell everyone is standing around ankle deep in manure but they are playing loud rock music, drinking martinis and having a great time. It is a great party. He watches for a while and then turns to St Peter and says" I'll take Hell"

St Peter vanishes and just as the man looks for the bartender to get a martini a horn sounds and the loud speaker announces

"Coffee break is over. Everyone back on your heads!"

Big old tom cat gets run over -dies-goes to heaven-- Saint Pete meets him at the pearly gates- SAY's -Tom cat you were such a good cat on earth -God has requested we make you as comfortable as possible -what would you like?
Tom cat says -Oh a nice big field ,sunshine and a comfy pillow to lay on!!
DONE
Next a tweety bird arrives at the pearly gates- Saint Pete says tweety bird -you were so good on earth you can have anything you want here in heaven--
Tweety thinks--AHA!! All us tweety birds have such small legs do you think we could be fitted with roller blades when we come to heaven!!
What a great idea and so considerate --wish granted!!
Days go by and Saint Pete is doing the rounds --making sure everyone is happy in heaven
First stop--The Tomcat--So tom cat how do you like heaven so far??
Tomcat rolls over purring-- says he can't believe it--the field is so big,green and wonderful his pillow so comfy when he's just lounging,soaking up the sun BUT
Best of All-------------------

Are you ready??!!

You have outdone yourself with that meals -on -wheels program!!!!

GROAN--but it is cute??!!

So little baby Jesus was born and Joseph and Mary were arguing about what they should call him. Knowing he's from the lineage of David, they go through the big names: Solomon, David, Moses... Then the Magi show up. As the third Magi walks into the stable he smashes his head on the door frame and shouts, "Jesus Christ!" Mary: "That's a good one."

A preist decided to skip church one sunday morning and go hunting instead. He took a flashlight and set off into the woods. All of a sudden as he shone his flashlight into a cave, a bear ran out and started chasing him. Just as the preist got to the edge of the cliff, he kneeled down and prayed. "Lord, please make this bear a catholic!" Suddenly, the bear stopped, put his paws together and said "Lord, thankyou for this meal i'm about to eat."

Did you know there are Jews in China? Yes. chinese Jews.

A western tourist was lost in a chinese city, and it was growing dark, so he was worried. Then he saw a building that was obviously a synagogue because it had a star of david on it. So he knocked on the door.

A little, chinese rabbi answered the door.

"Can I stay here for the night?"

"I'm sorry," said the rabbi, "but this is a very orthodox synagogue. Only jews can stay here."

"That's okay," said the westener. "I am a Jew."

The little rabbi peered up at him, his brow wrinkled. "That's funny, " he said. "You don't look Jewish."

graeme

Two mothers, one Catholic and one Jewish, were bragging about their sons.

Catholic - my son is studying to be a priest.

Jewish - a priest? that's all he can be?"

Catholic - no, t hat's not all. A good priest can be the head of a whole parish.

Jewish - So that's it? just the head of parish?

Catholic - not just that. A very, very find head of a parish can become a bishop.

Jewish - so. A bishop. That's as far as he can go?

Catholic, getting annoyed - well, as a matter of fact, the very best of bishops can be appointed all the way up to cardinal.

Jewish - A cardinal? Okay. but not so hot.

Catholic - well, a really outstanding cardinal some day could be be pope.

Jewish - pope? So that's as far as he can go?

Catholic - finally exasperated - Do you expect him to become Jesus Christ, Himself?

Jewish - well, one of our boys made it.

graeme

How many UC board members does it take to screw in a light bulb? Six. One to screw in the bulb, and 5 to form a committee to lament about how much they like the old light bulb better.

-- THis is so ture,
very funny :)

What's this?

Jesus juggling marbles.

(It's a very visual joke)

Huh?

Alright, so Moses comes down from Mount Sinai, and he's carrying two stone tablets. The people all stop and listen to what he has to say.
"Well, I talked to him," Moses says, "and the good news is, I managed to bring it down from 15 to 10."
The people all cheered.
"Bad news is," Moses continues, "adultery's still in."

The Pope was doing a tour of the US and of course had a really hectic schedule. While been taken by limo from one venue to another city, the Pope as sole passenger tapped on the dividing window to get the chauffeur's attention.

The Pope said to the chauffeur, "I would really like to drive a vehicle like this for once. I never get a chance to just get out on the highway and drive like ordinary people. Would you mind if I took the wheel for awhile?".
The chauffeur was very reluctant to do this, since he knew the protocols and he didn't want to get in trouble, but the Pope kept insisting until finally, chauffeur gave in.

No sooner had the Pope and chauffeur traded places and were speeding down the road, that a Highway Patrol officer spotted them (the Pope was going a quite a clip) and began to pursue them with lights flashing. He finally got them to pull over.
When the Highway Patrol guy got to the limo and the Pope lowered the window, the HP guy couldn't believe his eyes. He immediately went to his radio to call dispatch. They, in turn, put him through to the chief.

"You won't believe who I just pulled over", he told him. "This guy's really high up there".
"You mean you pulled over the Governor of the state?" asked the chief.
"No, much bigger than that", said the Patrol guy.

"Don't tell me you pulled over the Commander-in-Chief -- our President!"
"Nope" said the Patrol, "Much bigger than that".
"Well cut to the chase and tell me. Who's bigger than the US President?"

"Well, I don't know exactly, sir" he replied,
"BUT THE POPE'S HIS CHAUFFEUR"

This is one of my all time favorites ...

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says,

"Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be."

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren" And *poof* she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna" And *poof* she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini.."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he asked.

"Sara Pipalini" replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.

St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says, "No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."

Here's one my cousin emailed to me today:

An elderly couple was attending church services.

About halfway through, she leans over and whispers to her husband,
"I just did a silent fart, what do you think I should do?"

He replies "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
________________________________________

Yes, the cousins and I are aging, but not yet mature enough to ignore the hilarity of farting in church...sad, y'know...but so entertaining if you have no class whatsoever!

On the way to the nursing home with some supplys Sister Mary runs out of gas right in front of the Baptist church. So she gets a bed pan out of the trunk to carry the gas in after she comes back from the gas station.
Just as she gets back to the car the minister and the youth minister notice her pouring the gas into the car. The minister turns to the youth minister and says, "If that car starts I'm turning catholic."

This really happened when I was teaching Sunday School:

It was the second Sunday in Advent, so we got out the picture of the advent wreath, stuck a pretend flame on the candle and announced that we were lighting the Candle of Peace. Could any of them tell us what peace meant?

One of the children in the circle piped up, "Quiet!"

So... four nuns are in line at the Pearly Gates...

St. Peter: Ok, Ok all you Nuns get in line if you want to enter heaven. Single file now!

Sister Josephine: I am ready St. Peter

St. Peter: Ok sister, before you is a bathe of holy water, if any part of you has commited a sin then please place it in the Holy water and confess your sins.

(There is a rucus in the line)

Sister Josephine: i have no sins.

St. Peter: you may enter!

( the rucus gets louder as the next nun steps up)

St. Peter: Ok sister, before you is a bathe of holy water, if any part of....

Sister Mcdonald: Yes father I know.

(She places her pinky in the Holy water) I have sinned father, I have touched Father Thomas's Penis with my pinky. Forgive Me!

( One of the nuns starts to push others out of the way)

St. Peter: What is all this fuss about sister?

Sister Albright: If we have to confess our sins using the same bath of Holy water I want be sure that I can gargle it before Sister Lawson puts her butt in it!

Also, another classic.

The New Priest.

The new priest was so nervous at his first Mass that he could hardly speak well at all. Before his second appearance in the pulpit, he asked the monsegnior how he could relax. The monsegnior said to him: "Next Sunday, it might help you if you put some vodka in the water pitcher. After one or two sips, it'll go fine." Next Sunday, the new priest followed the monsignior's suggestion, and boy could he talk! -- never the less, when he returned to the rectory, he found a letter from the monsegnior:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Big Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the s*** out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's!

Oh, and one more (in somewhat questionable taste) for the 50th post:

The Alabama preacher said to his congregation, someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Klu Klux Klan.

This is a horrible lie and one that a Christian community cannot tolerate.

I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family!

No one moved.

The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.

Again all was quiet.

Then slowly,a drop-dead gorgeous Blond with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend, there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Klu Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets!"

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted and the congregation roared!

After a fiery sermon about sex outside of marriage, and just before offering was passed out, the minister addressed the congregation "Before we collect for the Lord, I just want to say to all those who have committed adultery to keep their money to themselves. The Lord does not want money from dirty sinners!"

The offering plates had never been fuller.