If you work with the public there is always a chance that you will meet someone like this man. If you fill ill at ease with someone, there's often a good reason. It seems like an odd situation - when I go to Tim Hortons it's to eat food, not to befriend an employee. I would be curious to find out how he knew which car was hers?

I think that sometimes we are so concerned with being polite and nice that we bend over backwards in these situtaions to accomodate the other person. Even when THEY are being inappropriate. Where does that come from? I notice that in myself too and lately I'm working to change it. I keep reminding myself that being assertive is important. Setting boundaries with people is important.

He is a huge creep and I think that she could have said to him "look, I'm not interested in having a social relationship with you. Please stop your behavior because it is making me uncomfortable." She was attempting to be non-committal but this guy seems about as smart as a bag of hammers. He was never going to get the hint.

The note on the car is the most horrifying thing in the world, and I would be so concerned about him stalking her. I hope she kept the note. If he attempts contact again, my suggestion is she be as clear as crystal. But as she is moving away, if he shows up again...I don't know. In that case I might contact the police. At least start a record of this. Who knows what kind of history this guy has?

That situation is more than a little creepy. She needs to let her Tim's boss know, and she also needs to tell this guy to stop. He will not be the kind of guy that takes gentle hints. She will need to be clear and direct. She may think that is being mean. It isn't. It is being assertive and safe.

I've known a number of men like this in my life; a friend of my brother's instantly comes to mind.  He's a nice guy but VERY socially awkward and has some mental health issues.  He frequently misinterprets the friendliness of women working in stores and restaurants as real friendship and in some cases potential romantic interest, especially when he isn't "shot down" by them because they are trying to be polite.  IF this guy is similar, the best thing to do is be firm and direct, while still being kind, and let him know that his interest isn't returned. 

The hard part, of course, is knowing whether this is someone who is just socially awkward or if it's someone who is potentially dangerous, and I'm not sure if there is any way to know for sure.  I think that she should be sure to be in a safe place if she tries to talk to him...some place public enough that she's not in danger, but private enough that he doesn't take it as a public humiliation just in case he IS a dangerous type.  At that point, once she's made things very clear, if he's anything like my brother's friend he'll contact her again feeling horribly guilty for upsetting her, wanting to apologize.  At that point, the best response (imo) is to tell him that you aren't angry or upset with him, that you accept his apology, but that you don't want to have any contact with him anymore.  He will probably avoid that Tim Horton's for a while, but if he does show up as a customer, be very business like...no smiles, no hellos...just "May I take your order?"  Keep a log of the dates and times of contact, keep any notes or messages, and if any further inappropriate contact takes place, call the police. 

Hopefully he's just a lonely guy who doesn't understand the nuances of communication.  Good luck.

Very good advice Myst. 

I would add, this occurred in the work place.  Each province has a Workplace Safety Board that issues policy and procedures for these type of incidents.

Sterton, your friend should have reported the incidents to her employer and they would then be obligated to deal with the matter to ensure her safety.  One action should include a manager informing the gentleman that such social interactions are inappropriate and against company policy.  This method is safer and effective because it removes the young woman from a potentially aggressive response; the man's anger, if any, will become directed at the Company and not her.

Having spent  more years than I care to remember in the service industry I have seen this type of behaviour - and I will add it is not just women that bear the brunt of unwanted attention, I have seen young men harassed as well.  It is an unfortunate side effect to being warm and welcoming.

LB

----------------------------

There had to be something she could do to completely discourage him, short of throwing up, or making herself totally unattractive.  "I'm thirty-five," she said at last."
     Garth Nix, Daughter of the Clayr

i think she just needs to keep being herself.  she obviously is good at what she does, and i would hate to see her loose that friendliness... lord knows i don't see enough of that in the service industry these days!!

however, she needs to be more aware that there are always going to be people who misread her friendliness as something more, something just for them

i think that in the future she needs to remember this situation, so that when the next person crosses that line between her work and her personal life she knows to stop it immediately... for anyone who works with the public there must be a line somewhere that you do not let the public across.  this guy crossed it with two parades and an elephant. 

as weird as this might sound, i think she may want to remember how an old friend of mine would put it... she worked as a stripper.  now THAT is a job where people are always getting the wrong idea.  whenever someone would approach her outside of the club, she would very curtly say 'look, the only reason i purred and smiled was because you had the cash.   out here, i wouldn't even fart in your direction.'   she never had much trouble.

She could say "no I don't hug customers" and give him a clear message.

She could say "This makes me uncomfortable"

She could say "why did you write a note-you are a customer not a friend"

etc.

Good advice above.

Thank you everyone: you've all been most helpful 

Sterton, OK, This creeps me out. She is totally right to feel ill at ease about this. This man was advancing on her when it was unwanted. I hope she sees no more of him, if she does, this could be a police worthy problem.

I twice was in a similar situation. The first time, I was 16 and the guy was maybe 32, and he came by often at my job (coffee shop) to talk to me. I thought he was pleasant conversation at first, but got uncomfortable when he came round more often, just about every shift of mine. Then one day he gave me a hug, which I didn't want, and well, he had a hard on. It really ick'd me out and my reaction must have been obvious as he did not come in again, lucky me. My co-worker may have told him to get lost, I can't remember.

Another time was another job of mine, when I was 20. This man was a co-worker, married and in his 40's. He offered me a box of oriental noodles his asian wife had bought, with an exaxperated expression at the word wife. I said no thanks. The following day, he asked me if I wanted a ride home. I said no. Then he asked me if I wanted to go to this place at a waterfall with him and camp out!!!  I gave him an odd and disgusted look and emphatically said  "NO!"

What could your friend do differently in future? Be assertive, tell icky men to get lost, say "I'm not interested." And if it comes to it, "go away or I'll call the cops."

The ol' "I don't really know you..." line could have been used methinks.

As-salaamu alaikum

-Omni
 

This.  The store needs to be mindful of guys like this.  I wonder how the next young lady will deal with the man's overtures?

So true: thanks folks :)

Hi Sterton,

This sounds very uncomfortable for your friend. From what you've written, I'm not clear on how this man would know his actions are unwanted. He knows quite a bit about her and that raises a question for me. How did he learn that she was quitting her job, moving, etc? If he was asking other employees, that's a huge concern. If he learned it through the course of conversation with her, he may be interpreting her willingness to share information about herself as the beginnings of some kind of relationship outside of the workplace.

While I agree that steps can be taken through the workplace mechanisms and workers are entitled to safety in their worksites, it's also true that lots of people meet friends and romantic interests in the workplace. So, unless he's been told that she'd rather not pursue any kind of relationship, I wonder how would he know that.

MotherofFive raises a good point.  In the service industries, particularly those serving food there is an immediate relationship set up between wait staff and customer.  On the one hand servers are instructed to be friendly - it is not just about "selling" food but creating a pleasurable experience to get return business.  Servers know the more receptive they are the bigger the tips and since it is really tips that make a server's living they fine tune this skill and use it even in fast food outlets where tips are not a common practice.

A "regular" becomes a special customer.  This is the individual who returns time and time again and the illusion of friendship, real or imagined, occurs.  Every business wants a regular and will encourage staff behaviour to obtain them.

Servers should be taught that there are ways of establishing that customer bond safely.  A server does not have to give out personal information in order to build the relationship, instead whenever personal questions are asked simply turn the conversation back to the customer or use the very reliable excuse that you must get back to work.  Most people will be flattered that the attention is "all about them" and for the person that is potentially obsessive it ensures safety.

Good management will encourage safe practices because they will recognize that it is in their best interests to do so.  I would recommend anyone applying for a job as a server to ask what are the company policies regarding customer harassment.  If the employer looks at you like you have just sprouted another head I would recommend looking elsewhere or developing your own lines of defense.

I worked in retail for 20 years, and for some reason, I always seemed to attract older men, lol.   I used various ways to deal with unwanted extra attention, one was to always keep the sales counter between me and them, and to always steer the conversation away from certain subjects, and to not respond to or even acknowledge leading questions or comments.

After dealing with it for awhile, you get to be able to read a person, and discern who is just having fun, and who is turned on. The best practice for me was/is to keep things very professional at all times.  If there is never a response to their fishing, they generally give up that line of thinking, and can become good customers.

Some men seem to respond quite strongly to a simply friendly female.  Very often it turned out that it was something that was rather rare in their life, and a little bit of positive female interaction was like a well in the desert for them.  

Very true Oui!

this is very close to being a potential "stalking" situation and i would document all the events interactions from this man (for a possible future police report re this)...

and also immediately alert the management/boss of the tim hortons so they can be aware and alerted of this including this man bothering another woman who works there in the future..... certainly very creepy and not very nice...

i would also suggest to this woman she energetically "cut" all connections to this man as soon as possible...  

- everything we do in life re our relationships via people or things in nature connects us in some way by energetic threads... even when we look at each other eye-to-eye  or heart-to-heart energetic threads connect us...when positive or negative.... we connect by threads of light... animals, trees and all life connect this way... truly the "web" of life.... everything is connected by strands of light.... 

there are many names for these threads... for an example, in the ancient tradition of Huna (Hawaii/Polynesia) these connections are called "aka cords" or "threads/strings"...

and to end this negative (energetic) connection to this man who has been literally "un-invited" into her life, this woman can take action and boldly visualize "cutting" these cords/threads/connection on an energetic level with all her senses... ie... visualize the "snip, snip" while using an imaginary pair of sissors, including making the sound, to sever the unwanted connection from all areas around her energy body front and back - sending his energy back to him like an elastic band - with no sense of harm back but just giving it back because that energy is not hers and never was... etc... 

hope this helps... blessings... weaver (((o)))