It's almost enough to give you a complex, isn't it? 

Unfortunately, friends will come and go out of your life, YouthWorker.  It will take time and effort and energy on your part, but you will make some new ones.

I agree that everyone needs a chum, yw.  I have life long friendships that have moved away, back home and away again and we've remained friends, but I do get what you're saying. 

I think if you keep up your outside interests and enjoy your own company, friendships will follow you...maybe you'll get too many and have to move ;)

That sucks YW. I have lived through that too, so I know that feeling. Remember, you will make new friends. Are there any other folks in your life that you'd like to get to know better - maybe this will be your opportunity. My best friends were all made at church. We call ourselves the Lunch Bunch because we go out to lunch after church every week. There are 5 of us that form the core of the group and we are a diverse group ranging in age (from mid-20s to mid 50s), sexual orientation (straight, bisexual, transexual), career paths (working with computers, children and as a United Church minister) and more. It is the diversity of the group that makes it so interesting!

Oh - and one member of the group is originally from Winnipeg!  

I guess what I am trying to say is, take a look at the people around you and see if there is anyone you would like to get to know better. Why not invite those people to join you for a meal sometime? You never know what could happen!

Awww, youthworker. That is a hard place to be. Having a good friend move away is tough. Having a few good friends move away is really tough. I really admire you for reaching out and intentionally finding male friends. You will experience the loss of those who are leaving (or have left) Winnipeg and I trust that you will again find someone to connect with close to home. I'm thinking about you.

I'm working on it...

An unexpected friendship has arisen between one of my former youth and myself.  There's a bit of an age gap -- but it's the same age gap between Omni and myself.  He's cool -- he's my main hot yoga buddy.  I've already seen him a couple times outside of the yoga setting, so there's a possibility there.  (But, like all previous friends, his ultimate dream is to move elsewhere -- Argentina.)

I'm also thinking of doing something with some of the guys at my church's young adults group.  I've already seen most of them outside of that group setting, so perhaps some new friends can be found there.  I'm thinking of maybe doing some sort of Guy's Night with that former youth (who will soon be a young adults group attender) and the guys from this group.  We'll see.

And it seems I know more people online than I do in person -- I've been chatting lately with two guys here in Winnipeg that I seem to have a lot in common with.  (One I've actually met in person already and the other I haven't.)  Our schedules are complete opposites, though, so we may never actually meet for coffee and/or yoga (they both want to join me for that), but that's another friend possibility.

Gee YW - maybe you smell??  lol - only joking!!!

I had a favourite coffee group - we met nearly every week for 5 years.  Then one month, it was announced that P was moving, not far, but made it more difficult.  J was going to teacher's college full time starting right away, V was starting a new job and would be working more, T was moving across town, and I was moving an hour away.  Seriously.  It was very weird.  We are all still fond of each other, but it is very very hard to get together anymore.  We all have new circles of friends too.  But I miss them a lot.

YW, did you ever consider leaving Winnipeg and making a move to a new place?

YW,

See it this way- you will have a lot a free places to stay in other provinces, that's worth something.

And actually, if you are really good friends and keep contact, you often can connect at the same depth of relationship when you meet again.

*raises arms*

*sniff*

*sniff*

*cough*

Gack!

*passes out*

I looooooooove Winnipeg!!!

Moving to, say, Toronto or Vancouver would probably be better for me career-wise, but the prospect of starting from scratch with friends is terrifying.  (Although I do know some pretty cool people in both cities.)  However, I love Winnipeg too much to leave.

I know what ya mean -- I've already got good friends in BC, Northwest Territories, Ontario, and Atlantic Canada.  More options are always definitely better!  With this one friend moving to BC, I now am much more likely to visit BC to visit him, as well as my other BC friends, including some people I know online but haven't met in person yet.  So there is a good side to all of this...

And I've got a couple friends like that -- where whenever we meet, no matter how long it's been, we pretty much pick up where we left off.  It's really nice!

YW, one of the things that I found was marital status and kid status that altered my ability to hold onto friends during the period when a bunch of my friends were getting married and having kids, and I wasn't.   Then, later, when I did start...i was almost 10 years different from people around me..ie late getting married, late having kids.

i find my friends ended up being more around what we had in common than around age, and also broke into different categories of friends, ie, I have no one all encompassing friend.

i'm not sure if that is helpful or not..but, it could be that your life-pattern is not following others or the majority, which puts you into a different group of folks.

I like the idea of suggesting to people to go out for lunch as a multiage group./ diverse group.

we have a ucm that does a breakfast and it is quite a diverse group of guys - they also meet once / month do service work, then go to a pub.

Pinga is right about the marital status and kid status while you are single.  I noticed that even going from a couple to being single within seven months.  My man hating single women friends do not have time for me now.  :)  On the other hand they are also fundys so maybe we don't fit idealogically anymore either.

Also young people move.  I have had lots of single friends move and kept in touch on facebook/phone/e-mail until they get married and have kids.  Now I hear from those friends once a year if that.

So, Youthworker I am like you.  Periods of time go by and I find myself friendless and have to make new friends.  So I think this is normal.  If not we are both abnormal together.  :)

I think it is pretty common, too -- so it's not really abnormal.  But being abnormal in community is always nice!

I think I want a t-shirt made up that says "I'm abnormal." and on the back it says "It's okay.  So are you."

An update: Guy #3 talked about moving away while he was in the midst of some issues.  Now that he's had a bit of breathing room, he's changing his tune a bit.  He's been going through some real rough stuff and has found that my friendship with him has been a real positive influence in his life.  I think he's now looking at working out the issues and staying in the city -- I suspect that my friendship with him is a key factor in this decision. :-D

Edited to add: Actually, I don't "suspect" that, I know that, as he's pretty much explicitly said it.

I'm in the same boat.  Talking about nerdy interests rules. 

As-salaamu alaikum

-Omni

Chapters is supposed to be one of the top ten places to pick up guys.  Just behind Tim Hortons and Starbucks.

I hang out at Timmys almost daily.  No guy has ever tried to buy me coffee.   I have been to Chapters under 10 times.  Maybe I need to try harder.   :)

well, i'm new to winnipeg, and i have one friend here.  and one acquaintance.

i'm a girl, though.  but i can read and drink coffee, and i promise i won't talk to you about yeast infections or childbirth or stuff...

can you be my friend??  my husband has ZERO friends here.  but you won't like him unless you talk about hockey alot. 

please, youthworker??  i'm so lonely.

As long as there's no talk about yeast infections or childbirth...

But I have zero interest in hockey, so I probably wouldn't get along with your husband...

sighsnootles, I know many folk in Winnipeg who would like to be friends with you and all the guys I know breath hockey. It's how do you hitch up with these kind of people? That's the kicker. And did you know that most of the people in Wpg. come from small towns around.

Well...

The friend that is moving to BC (Guy #1 way above) has started his official job search and his expected move date is sometime in May.  It has all of a sudden become more real.

Guy #3 is flying back to his northern town today for a week and texted me with this: "What would you do if I didn't come back to Winnipeg?"  Because of what's going on, which I can't get into here, there's a chance that might happen.  We'll see what occurs.  He has some commitments that should force him to return to Winnipeg, but if he's serious about moving north, he can reorganise those commitments to suit his new life.  Or he could also move north once these commitments are over with.

A couple weeks ago I made some new friends -- a couple my age that I met at yoga.  Because of what Guy #3 said to me today, I texted one half of this couple and asked if they had serious hopes/plans to move away.  He said yes.  :-(  But probably not for several years, which makes it a bit better, I guess.

I think it's great I seem to attract friends.  I just wish I would attract friends who want to stay in this city.

Oh, and I have coffee on Tuesday with a new friend.  From what I know of him, he wants to stay in Winnipeg, but I don't know for sure.  I hope so...

wondermail me.  we must get together for coffee, youthworker.

 aah, yw, that is hard. sorry kiddo.

I thought maybe it was time to update this...  Since things are going awesome.

So, let's see...

Guy #1 was the best friend from church -- he moves away next month.  (This is the only non-awesome thing in the update.)

Guy #2 was the one from Ontario and moved away before I wrote this thread.

Guy #3 was the one from a northern town and still talks about moving away, but much later in life.  (Though he does talk about moving back to his hometown for a year to work and live rent-free to pay off his debt -- this moving away I'm okay with since there is a return date.)  The issues he was dealing with that were spurring these thoughts of moving away have mostly been dealt with and that's no longer a major concern and he's "nested" by making his apartment much more like his home by putting up pictures and redecorating and stuff.  We are still awesome friends -- he's my main friend.

Guy #4 was the former youth from my church.  We are still good friends.  He almost moved to Ontario for a job two months ago.  Despite that, I think things have changed such that he will not be moving away anytime soon.  So yay!

Guys #5/6 are the couple I met at yoga.  I see them a bit less, but our friendships are good (and they don't plan to move for another ten years at least, so that's good too).

And to add...

This past weekend I met...

Guy #7 is a local (unelected) Green politician that I met through work and he seems to want to be friends.  I don't know if he plans to move.  He's an interesting guy -- we'll see how this potential friendship goes.

Guy #8 is a writer I met at a sci-fi convention (we met at writing sessions as I write too).  I've only known him for three days, but our friendship is already weirdly rock solid and he's up there with Guy #3 as a main friend.  He's not from here and is kind of thinking of moving in ten years, but he said what would make him stay in the city are friendships and relationships -- and having made a friend in me, he said it's already hugely likely he'll stay in Winnipeg.

So I went from a period of nearly losing ALL of my male friends and having nobody to fill the void... to now having almost too many (although nearly all of them still have tentative plans of someday moving away)...

Yay YW!

its because you and i had coffee that one time... i'm a good luck charm.

i thought you knew...

Sounds like things are going well in the world of friends for you, YW - that's super!  A lot of my friends have moved away over the years and it is hard making new ones, so I'm glad to hear that you have more coming into your world.

That is good YW.   I know you were intentional about making friends and knowing what being a friend means.

Is it possible that youngsters often think of moving away...

Living in a smaller community, far from the city, many of the young people (late teen, early adult) leave for the bright lights of the city and the big world out there.  Most of them never come back.  But there are a few who tried the city life and then when it comes time to raise their children, return home to their roots and an easier paced, perceived somewhat safer place.

I think people relocate more these days also.  Seeking new adventure, new employment . . .  I think today that there are fewer 30 or 40 year employees of companies.  A lot of the companies don't even last 20-40 years.

Glad to read this update YW. Transitions with friends, especially when good friends move away is a tough thing. Good to know that you are being filled and fulfilled with friends around you right now --  including a few longer term friends and the addition of some new friends as well. This is great!

YW... it may  be that you use your gifts on your friends also. Unfortunately that means helping people in your life follow their dreams.

 Look at it not as them leaving you but them going to their destination point.  Taking a piece of your spirit with them. You are helping them fly. If you didn't do tht you wouldn't be you.

You sound like me. A friend of mine says the best part about me is I a empathetic.. the worst part is I am empathetic. Catch 22

What about a girl ? Do you have any girls in your life ? You sound like an old soul... which means do not  listen to people who say you are too young  for a girl. i bet there are a lot around who really like you but you haven't noticed.  A female old soul like yourself. !! If only I was younger and lived in Winnipeg.

:-D

I was wondering if I should make this a new thread or if I should even be mentioning it... but I guess it stems from this thread, so I'll put it in here...

This past weekend I had a couple revelations and I've had a complete and drastic change in my life since then I am unbelievably beyond overjoyously happy!

First off, I recognised that I was in a couple very negative friendships... one of whom is one of the guys on the list of friends here... these two friendships were draining and it seems they were (intentionally or unintentionally) limiting my happiness through our interactions (through emotional manipulation). 

So I put huge limits on our friendships and neither person is talking to me right now.  I am not at all upset.  There is a chance they will both return, and I will maybe welcome it, but our friendships will be drastically different than they were before.  I will be in control, not them.  They will no longer limit my happiness.

This all came to a head on Sunday night.  I laid in bed after these confrontations, absolutely furious that I had allowed these individuals to do what they did to me.  I vowed right then and there that I would never ever let anyone control me or my happiness ever again.

Rewind a couple weeks... I made a new friend at a science fiction convention.  (Friend #8 on the list above.)  As our friendship rapidly progressed, we found that there was something more there.  We didn't put labels on anything, but we explored a bit.

Return to Sunday night... I'm lying there, furious at having been controlled.  I texted this new "friend" from the sci-fi convention.  I said something along the lines of, "I'm furious at how people have controlled me.  I want to be happy.  You make me happy.  I want you."

So... as of 2:30 AM on Monday morning, I officially have a boyfriend and I am head-over-heels in love.

For the past few years, I had suspected I was asexual (as I'd just never been attracted to anyone of either gender), so to find that not only was I in love, but I was in love with a man... well, I was surprised (but still overjoyed that I found love).  Most people I've told have apparently not been surprised.

Over the past few days I've been coming out to various friends and family members and I've been met with 100% acceptance.  People are as happy as I am -- I think tons of people thought I'd never find love, so they are overjoyed that I finally have.  The people who have met my boyfriend see how amazing he is, how happy he makes me (I'm happier than I think I've ever been in my life), what a cute couple we make, and how perfect we are for each other...

And I've spent tons of time with my boyfriend since we declared our love.  My most favourite thing to do is just hold his hand and stare into his eyes.

So, yeah, out with the negative friendships, in with the smoking hot boyfriend that loves me immensely, in with a renewed sense of self and self-acceptance, and in with massive happiness!

I'm soooooo happy for you YW!!!!!! :D  I hope this relationship is everything you could have hoped for an more!!!!!!!!  

Let there be rejoicing in the streets!!!!!  :D

<3

As-salaamu alaikum

-Omni

Yay YW  - that's awesome!

Wow, YouthWorker -- I am so happy for you. You are just bursting with joy and happiness in your post. I wish you all the love you deserve and a world filled with acceptance, openness and support. I'm right here supporting you. I'm doing a happy dance right now -- you have fallen in love and have someone loving you right back. You have risked, you have embraced a rather surprise twist in your hopes of falling in love. What a positive journey so far for you.  How wonderful, how fantastic!!

That's exciting news YW ... I can see that you're "head over heels" as you say ... enjoy!

aaah, yw.  i am quite happy for you.  

what a wonderful message...and how i love wondercafe  at times like this one.

I consider myself luck y to have met you in the "physical world".  I don't use "real world" as to me, sometimes this virtual space is more real than the Physical world" life. 

smiling for you youthworker.

YW, just a thought, you may find your friendships easier to form now.  Why? The lack of clarity around sexuality can make relationships confuisng to folks.  Will be interesting to see how things shift for you over the upcoming years.

Thanks all!

I am so so so so so so so happy!

People have seen and commented on the immense positive fundamental change in who I am and the monumental personal growth I've done in the past few days.  I'll have to ask him if he's okay with me posting a pic of us on here -- but if you're a friend of mine on Facebook, you can check it out there... I just posted it...

And it is oh so sweet! :-)

Congrats YW!! You sound so happy and that makes me happy for you!

Keep a hold of him too, he's a cutie!! (please ignore how creepy that wink looks and imagine a cute one instead)

This makes me very happy, YW.

YW, rejoicing with you on this happiness and this special person that has come into your life when least expected, and in such an unexpecting way.  Also rejoicing with you as you have discovered (and will continue to discover) so much about yourself, who you are, and what you want out of life.  You are a blessing!

Wishing you much . . .

Hope, peace, joy, love . . .

YW, I remember discussing with a wonderful man, who was in his 30's and was getting married for the first time the delay in relationship patterns for people who recognize their sexuality later in life.

He suggested that what is typical teenage behaviour and learning to be in relationship, etc, sometimes happened as adults.  I hadn't thought of it before he mentioned it but there was a bit of truth that rang out for certain relationships that I knew.

I wonder, as you find your way in life and this new "aha" what wisdom you will offer to the community .  You are a wise, thoughtful person, and I look forward to your insights.

This is a fascinating thread to read.  YW, your adventures in friendships and your explorations of what friendship means have given me some food for thought.

The title of the thread seems to match my life - and I'm at the other end of life.

I live in a small community.  Although I know lots of people, smile at them when we meet, maybe chat for a few minutes, they aren't friends that I can talk to about absolutely anything.  They aren't people who share my interests and passions. 

Over the years I have made some real friends and enjoyed being with them doing various things (canoeing, charity work, art workshops, running community events, family picnics with families with similar age kids) and so on.    Over the years I have lost all but three of these friends - they move away or die!  Of the three friends I have right now one lives far away and one is dying.  When I review the options for making more friends I tend to get a bit fatalistic - there really aren't many people I 'connect' with. Maybe it is time for me to live my social life on a more shallow level?  I enjoy some aspects of the social connections I have -  but these people aren't friends to me. 

It seems to me, Kay, that if you choose to live a more shallow life then the friendships you make will be based on shallow things, not the deep stuff of a good friendship. Have you considered broadening your horizons in some way?

It seems to me that you don't really understand the situation.  There are many things that can limit a person's  life and activities (someof them are a factor for me).

Could you give me some suggestions of ways to 'broaden my horizons'?  Possibly you will come up with something I haven't tried yet.

I am puzzled, like Kay, by this statement, somegal.

Kaythecurler - I'm sorry if that statement was taken negatively - it certainly wasn't meant to be offensive. What I meant was considering trying something new - for example volunteering for an organization that you hadn't previously volunteered for or taking a course and learning a new skill. In doing things you will meet people with similar interests to your own - and that might be the starting point for a new friendship. You say that there are limiting life factors for you and obviously I am not aware of what those are. If mobility is an issue, maybe there are things you could do from home - for example one of the ladies in my congregation who has mobility issues coordinates our prayer chain (basically people phone her with prayer requests and she phones the first person on the prayer chain and asks them to share the prayer). Until recently another woman with mobility issues made sure there were volunteers for our baby room each week (all done over the phone).

The other thing I thought of is making friends over the internet - at sites like this one. Online friendships can become real life ones - as many on here will attest to.