15 years ago I was working at Kids Kottage, the crisis nursery program in Edmonton. Every day we interacted with families in crisis. Every day we talked with parents asking for help. Prominently posted on the wall of our intake office was a poster which read “Asking for help is a sign of strength”.
Another memory. It is my first year of University and I am taking a Canadian History course. My professor grew up during the depression. While we were studying that dark period he told us how hard it was for his father and many other men to give in and go to the government for support. There was a shame involved in admitting that they could not support their families on their own. Rightly or wrongly, many people thought it was better to struggle and scrape and remain independent than admit that they needed help.
Similar stories are told whenever and wherever people are struggling. There is something in our culture that leads people to think that they need to always be able to provide for themselves and their families. And for many men and boys this is even more pronounced. Cultural definitions of “manliness” generally don't allow much room for seeking help.
But the reality is that none of us goes through life without help, sometimes a little help and sometimes a lot of help. And here is the best thing. That is how God wants it. God didn't create us to be independent, self-sufficient islands. God's hope for Creation is that we remember that we are all inter-dependent, responsible to and for each other. God wants us both to offer and to accept help at various times in our life.
I give you a new commandment, that you love one another. Just as I have loved you, you also should love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another. (John 13:34-35)
He answered, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your strength, and with all your mind; and your neighbour as yourself. (Luke 10:27)
Countless sermons have been preached and books written and songs sung about what it means to love each other as Jesus loved his friends, on how to love our neighbour as we love ourselves. But surely one of those ways is to be ready to help. One way we love our neighbours (friends or enemies) is by being there to support them when they struggle. But look at the last two words in that Luke quote. We are to love our neighbour as we love ourselves.
There are many people out there willing and able to offer help, willing and able to work to ease the pains of the world. But we (and we all need a hand at some point in our lives) need to be able to ask for and accept the help if it is to be of any use. If we truly love ourselves we will be able to recognize that sometimes the most loving thing we can do for ourselves is seek the help we need. I am the first to admit that this is hard. Sometimes it is easier to offer help than to accept it. But I'll say it again. God wants us to move past our pride and independence. God wants us to be able to seek assistance when we need it.
In Grande Prairie and area there are people who are hurting. There are people who are struggling with various things in life. Some are children, some are teens, some are adults, some are seniors. In Grande Prairie and area are people and agencies willing to offer help, living out God's command to love neighbour. Turning to one of these people or agencies is not a sign of weakness. Asking for help is not a failing. It is a sign of strength, it is a sign of loving ourselves as God loves us.
In the end, we all need the strength both to offer help to our neighbour when we can but also to ask for help when we are in need. May God's blessing rest on all of us, those who struggle and those who are out there to provide assistance.
waterfall
Posted on: 05/24/2012 22:44
You know Gord I think it's great to ask for help when you need to, but it's been my experience, that when I've been in need of a shoulder to cry on, half of my friends run the other way because they're used to seeing me as a strong person that can figure things out. It seems to frighten or dissappoint them that I could "fall apart".
On the other hand, I have friends that can see through all that, (thank God) and gracefully walk with me in times that I have struggled.
It's wise to be discerning and know who will not abandon you when you can't always hold it together. Sometimes it's someone that you would least expect to hang around.
revjohn
Posted on: 05/24/2012 23:05
Hi GordW,
GordW wrote:
How easy do you find it?
It really depends on who I am asking. I have invested a lifetime in friendships. When I need help I know who I can turn to.
When the ones I would instinctively turn to are caught up in their own stuff I have a depth chart of A listers. Big-time help talent. When they are all indisposed (it isn't an incredibly long list) then it really is any old port in the storm.
Fortunately, by the time I get into a hole that deep most everyone notices and they are actually offering assistance before I can ask for it.
Part of that was a huge fight with pride early on when I was determined to stand on my own two feet and meet every obstacle head on and I was woefully ill-equipped for the stuff life could just shrug at me.
Fall down enough and your pride gets so numb that asking for help gets very easy.
GordW wrote:
Is it easier to offer to others than ask when you need it?
Again, it depends. I'm very much aware that I can tend towards rescuing which might not be appropriate so I will sit back and wait to be asked. That doesn't mean I don't wander close and comment on the big mess that others appear to be stuck in.
Just as I had to learn to ask for help. Others have the same lesson to grapple with. I'm more than happy to tag in.
GordW wrote:
These questions were on my mind last night and this morning. But I got a newspaper column out of it!
Anything more than that?
Grace and peace to you.
John
somegalfromcan
Posted on: 05/24/2012 23:34
GordW wrote:
How easy do you find it? Is it easier to offer to others than ask when you need it?
These questions were on my mind last night and this morning. But I got a newspaper column out of it!
The difficulty level of asking for help depends on what exactly I need help doing. If I need help doing a task, I usually don't have a problem asking for help. I have more of a problem asking for help for personal things - for example asking for advice. I definitey find it much easier to offer help to others.
ab penny
Posted on: 05/28/2012 19:58
I'm much better at helping than asking for help. I do know who to turn to, but generally they've already sensed the need and helped without seeming to help...man, those are the friends/family that really count.
Elanorgold
Posted on: 06/01/2012 22:41
.
Baylacey
Posted on: 05/29/2012 21:51
Elanor, I was thinking about you today, and wondered where you have been.
I have never had a very large circle of friends, though I have many aquaintances. My husband was the person in whom I confided and I did not invest any significant amount of time developing friendships outside of that relationship. The demands of work and childrearing filled so much of my time. When the marital relationship fell apart, my world changed significantly. The friends I had at the time, were, for the most part, friends of the marriage - other couples whom we had gotten to know over the years. Those friendships quickly dissolved, as people did not wish to take sides, and I was in the position of starting over and making new friends.
It has always been hard for me to ask for help. I think I have always wanted to be seen in a certain way; strong and confident and in control. In my job I solve other people's problems, and I have always had an expectation of myself that I should be able to solve my own problems as well.
I have learned that it is not possible to do it all alone. I am not always strong or in control or confident. In the past four years I have made new friends and have made an emotional investment in those friendships. I keep less of myself hidden now, and while I still am more inclined to be the listener, I also speak up when I have concerns. I have cried more than once on the shoulders of my new friends, and they have cried on mine. I try to worry less about what people might think of me, though old habits die hard. But I am working on it.
Elanorgold
Posted on: 06/01/2012 22:30
.
InannaWhimsey
Posted on: 06/01/2012 23:04
..
ab penny
Posted on: 06/02/2012 19:54
If those are requests for help...I need a tetch more.
seeler
Posted on: 06/04/2012 08:27
a related topic might be our willingness to allow another to help us--especially perhaps someone whe might feel superior to. I remember a story of a minister. It seems that, through the church outreach program, he had come to know a family who lived nearby. It seems that this was a multigeneration family, grandfather, father, mother, and a handful of kids of various ages - lots of love, but very little money. The father might be described as shiftless, the mother came to the food bank, the kids came to mid-week groups in second-hand clothing. Then the grandfather died, and the parents came to the minister, would he do the funeral. Of course he agreed although they were not regular church goers - and he never expected to be paid. He wasn't - not in cash anyway. But a month or so later the father and several of the kids arrived at his office door with a gift - a beautiful handcarved table. The workmanship was excellent, showing many hours of careful attention to every detail. It was perfect. 'Did you make this?' The father nodded, 'I like working with wood.'
What could the minister do? His first instinct was to refuse. Surely this family needed this more than he did. The wood in it wouldn't have come cheap. They probably didn't have anything this nice in their own home. It would add some beauty to their lives. Or they could sell it - wood-working like this should fetch a good price at a craft sale or even the local market. But they wanted to give it to him. So he accepted with thanks, and watched their faces light up with joy. They had something to offer.
ab penny
Posted on: 06/04/2012 14:40
Accepting help graciously, is a gift, Seeler. I struggle with it, but I'm better at it than I used to be!
Pilgrims Progress
Posted on: 06/04/2012 17:18
Seeler,
Your story reminded me of an incident that happened many years ago now.
I was working in the city, and my dad, recently retired, rang me up and said he would be in the city and would like to take me out to lunch.
Usually I saw mum and dad together - so it was a bit of a novelty to be in dad's company without mum or one of my siblings........
After we'd eaten he asked for the bill. I took out my purse and dad said, "What are you doing?"
"I'll pay dad. It's only fair - I'm working and you're retired now."
I thought he'd be pleased - but he wasn't.
"No way. You'd deprive a man the pleasure of taking his daughter out to lunch?"
"Sorry, I didn't mean -"
"There's something you've got to learn - it's called being gracious. Just like you like giving pleasure to others -others gain pleasure from pleasing you. Being fair is good - but there are times when being gracious is better."
It's a lesson that I still find difficult. I genuinely prefer giving gifts than receiving them.
All the same, I'm mindful now of the thought that it's a bit mean spirited to deprive another of an opportunity to show their gratitude -or just pleasure - at knowing you.
Comments
GordW
Posted on: 05/24/2012 16:03
Asking for Help
15 years ago I was working at Kids Kottage, the crisis nursery program in Edmonton. Every day we interacted with families in crisis. Every day we talked with parents asking for help. Prominently posted on the wall of our intake office was a poster which read “Asking for help is a sign of strength”.
Another memory. It is my first year of University and I am taking a Canadian History course. My professor grew up during the depression. While we were studying that dark period he told us how hard it was for his father and many other men to give in and go to the government for support. There was a shame involved in admitting that they could not support their families on their own. Rightly or wrongly, many people thought it was better to struggle and scrape and remain independent than admit that they needed help.
Similar stories are told whenever and wherever people are struggling. There is something in our culture that leads people to think that they need to always be able to provide for themselves and their families. And for many men and boys this is even more pronounced. Cultural definitions of “manliness” generally don't allow much room for seeking help.
But the reality is that none of us goes through life without help, sometimes a little help and sometimes a lot of help. And here is the best thing. That is how God wants it. God didn't create us to be independent, self-sufficient islands. God's hope for Creation is that we remember that we are all inter-dependent, responsible to and for each other. God wants us both to offer and to accept help at various times in our life.
I give you a new commandment, that you love one another. Just as I have loved you, you also should love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another. (John 13:34-35)
He answered, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your strength, and with all your mind; and your neighbour as yourself. (Luke 10:27)
Countless sermons have been preached and books written and songs sung about what it means to love each other as Jesus loved his friends, on how to love our neighbour as we love ourselves. But surely one of those ways is to be ready to help. One way we love our neighbours (friends or enemies) is by being there to support them when they struggle. But look at the last two words in that Luke quote. We are to love our neighbour as we love ourselves.
There are many people out there willing and able to offer help, willing and able to work to ease the pains of the world. But we (and we all need a hand at some point in our lives) need to be able to ask for and accept the help if it is to be of any use. If we truly love ourselves we will be able to recognize that sometimes the most loving thing we can do for ourselves is seek the help we need. I am the first to admit that this is hard. Sometimes it is easier to offer help than to accept it. But I'll say it again. God wants us to move past our pride and independence. God wants us to be able to seek assistance when we need it.
In Grande Prairie and area there are people who are hurting. There are people who are struggling with various things in life. Some are children, some are teens, some are adults, some are seniors. In Grande Prairie and area are people and agencies willing to offer help, living out God's command to love neighbour. Turning to one of these people or agencies is not a sign of weakness. Asking for help is not a failing. It is a sign of strength, it is a sign of loving ourselves as God loves us.
In the end, we all need the strength both to offer help to our neighbour when we can but also to ask for help when we are in need. May God's blessing rest on all of us, those who struggle and those who are out there to provide assistance.
waterfall
Posted on: 05/24/2012 22:44
You know Gord I think it's great to ask for help when you need to, but it's been my experience, that when I've been in need of a shoulder to cry on, half of my friends run the other way because they're used to seeing me as a strong person that can figure things out. It seems to frighten or dissappoint them that I could "fall apart".
On the other hand, I have friends that can see through all that, (thank God) and gracefully walk with me in times that I have struggled.
It's wise to be discerning and know who will not abandon you when you can't always hold it together. Sometimes it's someone that you would least expect to hang around.
revjohn
Posted on: 05/24/2012 23:05
Hi GordW,
How easy do you find it?
It really depends on who I am asking. I have invested a lifetime in friendships. When I need help I know who I can turn to.
When the ones I would instinctively turn to are caught up in their own stuff I have a depth chart of A listers. Big-time help talent. When they are all indisposed (it isn't an incredibly long list) then it really is any old port in the storm.
Fortunately, by the time I get into a hole that deep most everyone notices and they are actually offering assistance before I can ask for it.
Part of that was a huge fight with pride early on when I was determined to stand on my own two feet and meet every obstacle head on and I was woefully ill-equipped for the stuff life could just shrug at me.
Fall down enough and your pride gets so numb that asking for help gets very easy.
Is it easier to offer to others than ask when you need it?
Again, it depends. I'm very much aware that I can tend towards rescuing which might not be appropriate so I will sit back and wait to be asked. That doesn't mean I don't wander close and comment on the big mess that others appear to be stuck in.
Just as I had to learn to ask for help. Others have the same lesson to grapple with. I'm more than happy to tag in.
These questions were on my mind last night and this morning. But I got a newspaper column out of it!
Anything more than that?
Grace and peace to you.
John
somegalfromcan
Posted on: 05/24/2012 23:34
How easy do you find it? Is it easier to offer to others than ask when you need it?
These questions were on my mind last night and this morning. But I got a newspaper column out of it!
The difficulty level of asking for help depends on what exactly I need help doing. If I need help doing a task, I usually don't have a problem asking for help. I have more of a problem asking for help for personal things - for example asking for advice. I definitey find it much easier to offer help to others.
ab penny
Posted on: 05/28/2012 19:58
I'm much better at helping than asking for help. I do know who to turn to, but generally they've already sensed the need and helped without seeming to help...man, those are the friends/family that really count.
Elanorgold
Posted on: 06/01/2012 22:41
.
Baylacey
Posted on: 05/29/2012 21:51
Elanor, I was thinking about you today, and wondered where you have been.
I have never had a very large circle of friends, though I have many aquaintances. My husband was the person in whom I confided and I did not invest any significant amount of time developing friendships outside of that relationship. The demands of work and childrearing filled so much of my time. When the marital relationship fell apart, my world changed significantly. The friends I had at the time, were, for the most part, friends of the marriage - other couples whom we had gotten to know over the years. Those friendships quickly dissolved, as people did not wish to take sides, and I was in the position of starting over and making new friends.
It has always been hard for me to ask for help. I think I have always wanted to be seen in a certain way; strong and confident and in control. In my job I solve other people's problems, and I have always had an expectation of myself that I should be able to solve my own problems as well.
I have learned that it is not possible to do it all alone. I am not always strong or in control or confident. In the past four years I have made new friends and have made an emotional investment in those friendships. I keep less of myself hidden now, and while I still am more inclined to be the listener, I also speak up when I have concerns. I have cried more than once on the shoulders of my new friends, and they have cried on mine. I try to worry less about what people might think of me, though old habits die hard. But I am working on it.
Elanorgold
Posted on: 06/01/2012 22:30
.
InannaWhimsey
Posted on: 06/01/2012 23:04
..
ab penny
Posted on: 06/02/2012 19:54
If those are requests for help...I need a tetch more.
seeler
Posted on: 06/04/2012 08:27
a related topic might be our willingness to allow another to help us--especially perhaps someone whe might feel superior to. I remember a story of a minister. It seems that, through the church outreach program, he had come to know a family who lived nearby. It seems that this was a multigeneration family, grandfather, father, mother, and a handful of kids of various ages - lots of love, but very little money. The father might be described as shiftless, the mother came to the food bank, the kids came to mid-week groups in second-hand clothing. Then the grandfather died, and the parents came to the minister, would he do the funeral. Of course he agreed although they were not regular church goers - and he never expected to be paid. He wasn't - not in cash anyway. But a month or so later the father and several of the kids arrived at his office door with a gift - a beautiful handcarved table. The workmanship was excellent, showing many hours of careful attention to every detail. It was perfect. 'Did you make this?' The father nodded, 'I like working with wood.'
What could the minister do? His first instinct was to refuse. Surely this family needed this more than he did. The wood in it wouldn't have come cheap. They probably didn't have anything this nice in their own home. It would add some beauty to their lives. Or they could sell it - wood-working like this should fetch a good price at a craft sale or even the local market. But they wanted to give it to him. So he accepted with thanks, and watched their faces light up with joy. They had something to offer.
ab penny
Posted on: 06/04/2012 14:40
Accepting help graciously, is a gift, Seeler. I struggle with it, but I'm better at it than I used to be!
Pilgrims Progress
Posted on: 06/04/2012 17:18
Seeler,
Your story reminded me of an incident that happened many years ago now.
I was working in the city, and my dad, recently retired, rang me up and said he would be in the city and would like to take me out to lunch.
Usually I saw mum and dad together - so it was a bit of a novelty to be in dad's company without mum or one of my siblings........
After we'd eaten he asked for the bill. I took out my purse and dad said, "What are you doing?"
"I'll pay dad. It's only fair - I'm working and you're retired now."
I thought he'd be pleased - but he wasn't.
"No way. You'd deprive a man the pleasure of taking his daughter out to lunch?"
"Sorry, I didn't mean -"
"There's something you've got to learn - it's called being gracious. Just like you like giving pleasure to others -others gain pleasure from pleasing you. Being fair is good - but there are times when being gracious is better."
It's a lesson that I still find difficult. I genuinely prefer giving gifts than receiving them.
All the same, I'm mindful now of the thought that it's a bit mean spirited to deprive another of an opportunity to show their gratitude -or just pleasure - at knowing you.