Hi Colours - I don't believe we've had the opportunity to meet yet, so it's good meet you. It sounds like there is a lot going on your marriage and neither one of you is truly happy right now. Have you considered going to a marriage counsellor? I see a lot of red flags in what you are saying - but none moreso than when you wrote: "now he keeps trash talking and keeps calling me a slut and says, he can't trust me anymore... and says,  I left my ex-boyfriend for him, why would'nt I leave him for another!" You said earlier that you both were in relationships with other people when you first met - so I'm wondering if there is something he isn't telling you.

I agree with some gal.

It sounds like there are a lot of issues in your marriage right now.  Those years with young children can be really hard work and can place some significant stressors on a marriage.....lots of work, not enough sleep, and not enough fun, adventure and intimacy!

I also agree that the loss of trust and the abusive talk on his part is a deep concern.  I'm not convinced that level of jealousy and insecurity on his part (i.e.: your conversation with an old boyfriend) is normal or healthy.  I remain very good friends with my high school sweetheart, to the point that our families periodically socialize together.  My husband is not the least bit bothered by this friendship.  He knows, without doubt, that while I value this guy's friendship, my lifelong commitment is to him. I also believe if your husband is bothered by the friendship (which would be fair, and you would need to be respectful of that sense of awkwardness on his part) that he could talk about his concerns in a way that is more respectful of you. 

One of my best friends is a guy.  And a single guy at that.  My husband, again, is not bothered by this.  If there is security in your marriage then there is room for friendships  with, and appreciation for, male friends (married or single). It sounds like your husband is threatened by other men.  It sounds like he feels that when you comment on other men (i.e. the guy is helpful with his wife) it is a criticism of him.  Not knowing how you present the situation it's hard to comment. It's hard to know if your husband is simply really insecure and threatened (which is an issue) or is being a jerk (which is also an issue, but in a different way).

I can't agree more with some gal that marriage counselling would be a VERY GOOD IDEA.  Ideally both of you would go, but if he won't go then you should go on your own.  It would give you a safe place to explore issues.  It also gives you an objective third party which provides a useful and fresh perspective on the issues.  You sound committed to making this marriage work and counselling would be a very healthy way to do so.  It will help you learn to "fight fair", to discuss sensitive issues without resorting to speech that makes one feel belittled (i.e. making you feel like a prostitute, avoiding derogatory terms like "slut"), tackle issues constructively ,and rediscover your love for one another.  Good marriages develop the tools to survive these episodes...it's not that they don't have these episodes.

thank you ladies for your truthful opinions! This was a very delicate topic for me to discuss with family and close friends, most of them are pretty rigid and they always support me and not give my hubby a chance.

you have pointed out that even I could be making him jealous by talking about other men and their good qualities! What an eye opener! I shall talk less or even stop talking about other men.But I am going to sit and talk to hubby about how he should deal with his anger, if I did something wrong in the future.

If you know how I should deal with my anger issues, please give in suggestions of how you deal with yours. I've heard people say Jesus channels his anger into healing or helping out other people. Maybe I should follow that too... but at that point, all I feel like doing is venting out my pain and frustration on someone!

I wonder colours if you and your husband come from different ethnic backgrounds.

It sounds as tho some of your issues my be the roles that men and women  occupay in different cultures.

I'd echo the above advice to seek coounselling together.

It is a stressful time for all when parenting 2 young children and strenghening the couple relationship.

Colours - I am so glad that you are able to talk about this - even if it is only on a virtual site.  Welcome to the Cafe.

I fear for you.

Your husband's behaviour is abusive.  Verbally abusive.  And it sounds as though it is esculating.   He may become physically abusive. 

By all means get marriage counselling.  But also find out the phone number of the nearest emergency shelter for women and children.  Just get the information and tuck it away in case you need it.    It never hurts to be prepared. 

Hi Colours - welcome - I don't think I've seen you posting here until now, although your profile says you've been with us for a while - just reading perhaps, which is a great way to be in the cafe too!

I agree with others who suggest getting counselling.  With becoming parents so quickly after marriage, you two haven't really had much time to really get to know each other and learn how to live together in partnership.   Marriage takes a lot of work actually - just loving somebody is not enough, in my view.   

Have you thought about reading any books about relationships to get some ideas about communicating better with each other?   Learning how to express yourself well might be a starting point.    Do you tell each other any things you appreciate?

Colours, I find a good way to let go of my negative feelings is to vent to a neutral third party. Feel free to vent here!

Thank you all for the welcome, yes I did come to the cafe, for a previous dilemma in my life about our differences in religion and I got a wide varitey of responses for that, and I deleted that post, just so no one I know would stumble on it ( did you all know, all these discussions are open to public just visiting the website ).

I read about the cafe in a magazine and I was going through a lot at that point.

Now, yes we are from different ethnic backgrounds as well. But I assure you all that he is a loving man. I know he can never be physically abusive.

All your suggestions helped me sort things out and who has the finances or time for marriage counselling? I really like the cafe and the inputs you all give to help each other out. I wish I could participate in other people's distress and offer some encouragment too, but it will take time. I have too many unresolved issues like those myself and am wondering about the solution too ;)

Hey Colors;

Feel free to vent.  I haven't  been in your shoes but I have empathy.

Take care of yourself.   You are special irregardless of how your hubby treats you.

You need help in real life though.  You have two little kids and an emotionally abusive partner.  Can you go stay at your parents for awhie to think things throught clearly?

Sometimes we need to make time for things like counselling - wouldn't it be better to do that now than end up with a broken relationship? As for the finances, if you or your husband has a benefits package from work you may find that some of the counselling fees are covered.

Just a couple of thoughts.....

Marriage counselling is infinitely cheaper than a divorce or a toxic marriage...both in terms of money and emotions. I would strongly recommend you explore counselling.  Many benefits programs cover counselling and several employee assistance programs offer supportive counselling.  I would explore these options.  

Also, I would like to stress that even if your husband's responses stem from insecurity or jealousy around your view of other men (or whatever) his treatment of you, in terms of emotional and verbal abuse is NOT OKAY.  It is not okay, ever, to accuse someone of being a slut, whore, prostitute, etc...even when they might be really angry. It is not okay, ever, to yell at you or belittle you.  It is also a very bad idea to allow your children to begin to think that this is how adults (who love each other?) treat each other....that this is how they talk to one another or show they are angy. What would be okay is something like....."It really bothers me when you talk about "X", or when you have contact with an old boyfriend. It makes me feel really insecure and jealous. I think this is a topic we need to talk about at some point, maybe when we're both less angry".  

In my view there are three reasons to leave a marriage....abuse (verbal, physical or emotional), affair and addictions (drug, alcohol, etc).  The good news is that with supportive counselling verbally abusive relationships have the potential to learn new ways of talking to one another and really improve a relations