Hi Baylacey - just wanted to say welcome to wondercafe!  I see that you are new here and I hope we'll see you often.  You will for certain find this place to be full of interesting characters whom you will come to know over time. 

I've not dated for many decades, so can't really add much regarding your original post.   But I see from your profile that you enjoy red wine & chocolate ... what more could one really need?

Um, my dating sabbatical is ongoing...............

I was fortunate in love, and am content, now a widow, to leave it at that..........

(I still like to flirt - but then I've been doing that for as long as I can remember).

Baylacey . . . welcome to Wondercafe!  Looking forward to seeing your continued posts and topic starters and getting to know you here at the Cafe!

Hoping someone here can address your dating questions . . .  haven't dated since I met my husband 30+ years ago (of course we do go out on the occasional date with one another :)

Hope, peace, joy, love . . .

Carolla, Beloved, thank you for your kind words and congratulations to you on the success of your relationships.  

It is not so much the dating answers that interest me,  but the how to be comfortable  with being single ones .  How do you become truly comfortable in your own skin? Pilgrim's Prgoress, where does your contentedness come from?  

And yes, I like to flirt too.

When a long term marriage (or relationship) ends (more than 25 years in my case), it is not an easy  transition back to singlehood.  My still married friends cannot imagine it., nor can they imagine the challenges of dating again. 

While those who are single because of divorce or because of the death of a partner are still both alone, the type of hurt we carry is different. The former also carries a bit of guilt.  They call it a failed marriage for a reason.  There is also less societal support.

And then there is that contentious issue of adultery and remarriage.  (Odd to think that should I remarry,  by biblical standards, I will be considered an adulterer for the rest of my life (?!), though by societal standards I am not one. That is a question I have seen here before that never seems to have had a satisfactory answer, and should  perhaps be a separate discussion topic.

Baylacey,

Welcome to WonderCafe!

I also have not dated anyone but my wife in over a decade, but recall all the awkwardness and the need for a "break" from it.  It seems especially difficult for those who are more mates than dates. It can present itself (as it did for me) as not really wanting to date or weed out folks, I just wanted to find the one (thankfully I did) and in other folks it can present with a sense of seeking and being needy or rushing things.

I also know well as the feelings of having a few long-term relationship end. I do not like saying failed,,as we gave it the best we had at the time. 

Not all denomination and not all Christians will see your dating or remarriage as adultery. I certainly do not.

I agree with SG on the remarriage and adultery thing . . .

Baylacey posted . . . "When a long term marriage (or relationship) ends (more than 25 years in my case), it is not an easy  transition back to singlehood.  My still married friends cannot imagine it., nor can they imagine the challenges of dating again."

When my first marriage ended I was fairly young, and it was a little bit easier for me to enter back into dating.  It was not easy to transition back to singlehood - I didn't want to be alone without someone to love for the rest of my life.

I found someone, and remarried.

Where I am now in life there is a chance that at some point I will enter back into singlehood if my husband dies before me.  I can imagine the challenges of dating again . . . and I think I would prefer singleness to dating today LOL.  But who knows how a person will feel until they are actually there.

I have been single for 12 years after my marriage of 13 years ended in divorce.

I consider our home not a broken home but a fixed one!

There would be no guilt in re-marrying. The marriage was no longer lifegiving. (A moot point in my case anyways as my ex passed away last year)

I have dated during this time but sporadically. Mostly becauses taking care of life and my 3 children has not left a lot of outside energy for a relationship, and because I'm picky. Someone has to be quite special and enhance my life not drain energy and time.

That said I did date one guy for 6 months-but he just wasn't the one to spend years with.

Now as my children are older I may yet find a match made in heaven!

Tabitha, you never know what life holds for you right around the corner :)

Baylacey,

Thanks for your interesting question - I'm sitting here enjoying my breakfast super-strong cup of coffee reflecting on an answer.........

(Oops - I should have welcomed you to the Wondercafe first as others have done - forgive me, I'm an Aussie, and we're not as polite as Canucks!)

Where does my contentment come from?

Many places.

Specifically, when it comes to not needing another sexual partner - I actually think age and flagging hormones play their part.

From my experience, you enter a different world. As your own beauty fades - you begin to notice, really notice, how beautiful young teens and twenty somethings bodies are.

(Example - this week I lunched with a woman friend - and after a glass of wine we began an animated discussion about how attractive biceps are on young men)......

You also value your women friends more, perhaps because you're relieved of the burden of seeing them -at least on an unconscious level - as sexual competitors?

All in all, this frees you to pursue your own interests and hobbies - to become your birthright - the authentic you.

I take your point about the difference between being widowed and divorced.

I'm sure that my contentment, in no small measure, relates to the fact , that in my late husband, I had found my soulmate.

As a divorced woman, there may be a  corner of your mind that longs for a contented relationship?

I can understand that.

Also, having lost my husband to leukaemia and a sister to ALS, I'm very aware of just how finite life is.....

Much, much more than when I was young, I live most days as if they could be my last.

This means in practice I don't let the minor irritations of life get to me so much - and, if something is on my bucket list, I do it!

I've had a depressive illness since my twenties. Most of the time, with a maintenance dose of antidepressants and self-discipline, I'm fine.

But, I'm still subject to the odd depressive episode.

Believe me, when I come out of it, I'm so appreciative of the value of the goodness of life that contentment increases from a river to a flood........

Generally, for all of us, I believe that contentment can only ensue if we live an authentic life.

Be the person God meant you to be, it's your birthright.

Inevitably, this means accepting your vulnerability and those parts of you you wish were different but know are really you.

To find a soulmate requires nothing less, IMO.

And, though you may not have the good fortune to find a soulmate, contentment can still be yours if you live an authentic life............

Pilgrim’s Progress, thank you for your kind reply and your honesty.  You have provided me with food for thought.  I think this sabbatical will give me some time to find the authentic me.  That really is the point of it.  I think I was lost for awhile in the busy-ness that comes from being a wife and mother and professional working woman.  And you are right about longing for that contented relationship.

Tabitha, I like your description that your marriage was no longer “life-giving.”  It has a different sound than saying “we grew apart.”  And being picky is a good thing.  

SG, with regard to using certain words like “failed” marriage, I must try to use more positive language.  Thank you for your input.  I don’t consider remarriage adultery either,  I just found it surprising that some do!

I haven't been single since I was 22, but was single after boyfriend #3 for the 5 years preceeding meeting my husband.

#3 was a bad relationship and left me very picky who I would be the girlfriend of again. I didn't really want any more boyfriends. I was waiting for my permanant man. I was very lonely, and wondered if I'd ever find him. I met some guys that were interested, but they weren't right for my needs. I went on a date with one, which I did not enjoy. Another guy I liked did not feel similarly and he brushed me off. There were various such interactions.

So I bided my time, stood my ground, daydreamed, then one day, saw Mr Right, and it was like he walked right out of a daydream. I had to chase him down, but I got him! And a treasure he is. : )

"All good things come to those who wait" . . . sounds applicable in your case Elanorgold .

Baylacey,

It can feel like "failure". We can eat ourselves up with "what if's" and look for places we could have tried harder, done something different... It can feel that way even if you knew it would not work, even if it had to end, evben if you would never take them back...

Then, we start to heal and realize it ended and it is not such a sense of failure.  

Hi Baylacey,

I was never much of a dater. ( I am still happily married to the guy I met when I was 18 years old.)

But you have given me an idea for a new thread because I have been taking a bit of a sabbatical from church life. Thanks ... p3

Hi Paradox,

Congratulations on your long and happy marriage.  They seem to be rather rare now.  I was not much of a dater when I was young either, so the learning curve has been rather steep.  

I look forward to seeing the new thread.  Church life is a new interest for me.  I am also interested in the reasons people leave it - which they have done in large numbers in the last few decades according to what I have read lately, and that is not just the UCC.

posted twice.  sorry.  -now I know how to use the edit button.

Thanks for the encouragement, Baylacey. I will give some thought to starting the thread. Should it go in Church Life or R and F, I wonder?

Good work :)

The quote and reply buttons are useful, too. When they are utilized, the owner of the post loses the ability to edit.

God found me my love when I stopped looking so hard.

I was following another thread yesterday about editing after the fact and learned a few things....not just about editing 

re: reply and quote:  When I have replied to something I have always just filled in the box at the bottom of the page.  If you hit reply to something that is farther up in the list, does the reply still end up at the bottom of the list?  If so, what is the advantage of hitting reply? (unless it is simply to prevent editing by the original poster) 

I think your question should go in R&F.  There is more activity in that section by a long shot......  I will look for it.

If you hit reply, when you scroll up you don't see all the posts, you only see the post you are replying to.  Right now, it wouldn't help much as I'm replying to the most recent post.  If I wanted to reply to SG's post it would be helpful to me as I wouldn't have to scroll up and down as much if I wanted to refer to what was said while I'm figuring out what I want to say.

Yes, Witch, I have heard that is often the way things go.  

There are different opinions though.  Some say wait and be patient.  I have read more than a few articles that suggest looking for a partner should be like looking for a job.  The trouble with that approach is that there is often an air of desperation associated with it.  

Looking is tiring.  It can also be time consuming if one is in the online dating world, or making a serious effort to meet new people, which I am certainly not knocking.  It does work - some of the time.

Thank you chemgal,  I just answered my own question as I replied to Witch and came in at the bottom.  So, next game with be the quote button........

Sort of feels like being in grade school...........or being taught about the ins and outs of the computer by my children.........sigh..........

Lacey, I'm not quite that young :)

Hi Baylacey,

I decided on Church Life for the thread. You are right in saying there is more activity in R and F. But sometimes the Church Life threads stay a little more on topic and a little gentler, I find.

I think you're right about commentary in Church LIfe vs. R&F.  I have noticed this as well. 

Also good things come to those who go out and grab them. Know what you want, watch out for it, and grab it when it comes along, er.. or him I mean..

Another lady I know was dating at the singles club, got into a relationship with a (not entirely) "separated" man, then found her next husband right next door! Funny how things go.

You can't predict I guess. I'm curious what online dating was like? I know a woman who met her second husband that way, they are very happy.

Baylacey,

I have been mildly admonished by two clergy people already, so we will see what happens :)

P3,  Mildly admonished for what? 

Elanor, 

Online dating is fine if you are careful and have a thick skin.  You also have to be a bit brave I think, you do have to be willing to put yourself out there, picture included. 

Not everyone has the same reasons for being there, nor are they looking for the same things, and a few are not truthful. You have to be careful, but online dating does offer an opportunity to meet people that you would not have the opportunity to meet in your regular life.  (Or at least I wouldn't.)  I have remained friends with a couple of the men I have met, though our dating relationships did not work out. 

I have tried to be careful about who I agreed to meet - taking the time to get to know abit about them in print first.  I was fooled by a good liar only once, early in the game so to speak.  I have met some nice people, generally well educated, always interesting.  But to meet an idividual with whom you have good chemistry and who fulfills your other requirements as well, is a challenge for sure.

I have heard it said more than once that you have to kiss a lot of frogs........

Come on over to Church Life and take a look. Feel free to say so if you think I have misinterpreted anyone.

Chuckle chuckle on the frog kissing! I guess you only get paired up with people in your area eh? That would make sence. Sounds very time consuming. When I was young and going out to nightclubs, I didn't plan on meeting my permanant man in that type of situation. They were either swingin' or just not generally good husband stock. Dunno why I mention that, it just came to mind. Funnily enough, I had a sort of premonition that I would meet my man in England. When I was young and single, I used to wonder about putting out a personal ad. Sounds like online dating is like a super deluxe version of that. Maybe you'll meet your man in an everyday setting like at work or at his work. He could be your grocer, or the BCAA man, or someone who walks his dog along the same path you do... ya never know I guess. Or maybe you'd meet on a holliday...

So to get back to the original question.........resting. .....stepping back and taking a break and learning to be content in your own skin...........how did you achieve this?...where does the contentedness come from?

Sounds like the Budhist book on anxiety I'm currently listening to. To find that nothingness, that good emptiness before there was any affectation. That place where the worries are lifted and you go back to a frame of mind with no conditions or expectations.

You could just get off that dating train, and sit quietly, feel the stillness. Take off the pressure. I think the contentedness comes from releasing yourself of expectations. You don't need that dating train, the dating train is time consuming and exhausting and often dissapointing. So just let that train go by . Straighten your psychic dress, listen as the noise gets farther away and quieter, smell the air, listen to the birds, feel the sun, enjoy just being you. "Cause I am beautiful, no matter what they say, words can't bring me down." 

Hi Elanor, 

Good advice.  I actually have been off the dating train for a while now, and I plan to keep it that way, at least for a while.  I have to say it is somewhat of a relief.  You are right about the pressure.  I have also read that contentedness comes from freeing your mind of expectations.  I am working on that.  

I think most of us have (or had) a plan about how we thought our lives would go.  Perhaps the key is to learn to be flexible when things don't really go according to plan.  I know there are a few individuals here whose plans have been thwarted in ways that seem very unkind.  I think that is where the spiritual beliefs come in.  I think for me, it is somewhat of a control thing.....and I am learning to come to grips with the reality that some things are just beyond my control. 

As for sitting quietly, and clearing and quieting my mind:  my mind is awfully busy.  

On a slightly different note:  I was back at the church I have been "trying out" today and stayed for coffeetime.  I met quite a few people who were all very kind and welcoming.  (and P3 - you would be interested to know I was offered the opportunity to volunteer for all kinds of projects.......lol.......I thought of you.)   The people really were lovely.  

Always interesting when RL and wondercafe seem to intersect. More than once I have been listening to a sermon in church and thought of someone's POV here on wondercafe.

Glad to hear the experience this morning was positive for you, Baylacey.

Do you feel they are interested in you as a person or did they see you as "filling an empty spot" on some board or committee?

Hi Beloved,

I hope I did the quote thing right..........

To answer your question, I think they were interested in me.  I think I was introduced to at least a dozen people.  They asked the standard questions:  do I live nearby, do I have children, what sort of work do I do......  When they asked where I attended church before, and I replied that I never really had - not a soul looked horrified!   It was refreshing.  

I think the suggestions about volunteering had more to do with me meeting new people than with filling a spot, but I also let it be known that I would take some time to figure out what I might be comfortable doing.  I spent many years volunteering for my profession, so the concept of burnout is well known to me.  I am going to be better at setting boundaries.

As well, the church congregation is a good size (I think it would be considered corporate by another definition read on another thread) so there seems to be a good size pool of volunteers already.  

I think control may be a thing with me too. Remembering the impermanance of all things is good. And to let go of trying to hold on to things.

I hope the new church volunteering goes well. Maybe you'll meet a nice man there!

we shall see........no rush..........

So as a part of my sabbatical, I decided to take a trip overseas by myself.  I leave for Paris in  two weeks.  While I have travelled alone to work related conferences before, I have never taken any sort of holiday or personal time by myself.  I have much of the week planned out already.  If anyone has any suggestions about what they have seen in Paris that they found outstanding,  I will add it to my list.  I am excited about going, and a little nervous as well. 

Baylacey, I once took three weeks and travelled on my own with no clear destination other than north / camping.  I stopped at Lake Superior Agawa Bay.  It was a profound holiday, or learning that I could do things, from spending time on my own to meeting people to ...solving issues.  I was young, just in my 20's, but, definitely recommended.

I also have been to Paris, but it was many years ago, and I was in my late 20's.  I wil leave others to give their usggestions.

Just wantd to give you a round of applause

I'll join the applause too, Baylacey.  I've never been to Paris, and have no reccomendations, but if you ever get to Berlin and Dresden, I have a few ideas.  Enjoy the trip, hope it is all you hope it will be, and more.

Thank you Pinga and rb.  I have been trying to brush up on my high school french.  Most people speak English in Europe but if you make the effort to speak the language the reception is so much better.  Travel arrangements have been made - hotel within walking distance of most of the things I wish to see.  I don't look forward to eating alone, but I think the rest will be easy. 

rb, I have been to the Black Forest area in Germany (I have relatives there) but not to Berlin.  What made you go there?

Pinga I am not familiar with Agawa Bay, though I know the Agawa Canyon train tour and Pancake Bay (where the water is as cold as ice all summer long.)  I grew up in Sault Ste. Marie.

Agawa Bay is a provincial campground not to far from Agawa Canyon. You can get on the train from Frater (or at least you could) to go into the Canyon.  Although the campground is along the highway if you are on the lower level, it is a wonderful spot to be.

Tips for eating alone.   Enjoy it!  Most staff are used to it by now  For the time when you are awaiting your food, have a newspaper or book to read...or plan the time to think of your next days trips with pamphlets or travel guides.  The staff may even offer insight into things to do or places to see off the beaten track

Hi Lacey,

I was a most reluctant single traveller when my husband died - but I've taken to it and prefer it to travelling with sisters or friends.....

Here are my tips for making it an enjoyable experience.....

Go with a sense of adventure - expect to have some new and exciting experiences and you will have them...

Be curious about other people and other places. Don't go with the mindset "Our country's way is the best way" - and thus concentrate on what is "wrong" with this different culture.

Smile a lot - it's not just kids that respond favourably to smiles! Don't always wait for a stranger to open up the conversation - if you want to say something - say it!

On the other hand, don't get "stuck" with folks who hold little interest for you. It's your holiday, enjoy it!

Fortunately for me, I'm now past the age when men follow me down the street, but, as you're still relatively young, be cautious when it comes to men. Appearances can be deceptive.....

I seem to remember reading somewhere that you like intelligent men?

 So did I when I was younger - but my advice here is intelligence is fine, so long as it goes with kindness.

IMO, kindness is a much under-rated trait...............

Enjoy your holiday. You can't go wrong with the food - French cuisine is THE cuisine!

Than you for your words of wisdom Pilgrim.  I am so looking forward to this trip for a variety of reasons.  Personal growth is a big one.....being comfortable being by myself. I will remember to smile more,  alot.  I know I can do it,  I just don't always remember when I am nervous or self conscious.

As far as the attitude that the country I am from is the best:  while I am glad that I live here, I think that there is always something to learn from people who live in other countries and come from other cultures.  eg.  public transportation in some of the European cities puts our Toronto Transit Commission to shame.  Arts and culture are so much more available and accessible to the public in Europe than here.  

As far as men following me down the street, I cannot imagine that I will be beating them off with a stick, however my ego would like to enjoy a little bit of attention.  And as far as masculine qualities go, I value intelligence, but kindess, honesty, a sense of humour, tolerance, attractiveness, and a few other characteristics are on the list of what I value as well.   

Sorry for the late post...but I've found that to ease yourself back into it, online dating is a good way to go. It allows you to enjoy the attention you're talking about, Baylacey, without anywhere near as much pressure. In fact, I think it's compatible with taking a step back.

Just a thought :)

Hi Calibri, 

I see you are new here and would like to offer you a warm welcome. As far as the online dating goes, I have done it before and will likely do it again. It has advantages and disadvantages, and you can put too much pressure as yourself while you are there.  It can be addictive and you have to be both smart and careful about it. The sabbatical has been good.  It is important to know when you need a time out.