It seems obvious to me Serena. At first they are so attracted to your surface beauty that they really do want to commit themselves to being with you forever. Later, as they get to know you better, as they begin to see you as the person who you really are, they lose interest in being that faithful. 

Of course you should.

Rich blessings.

Hi Jae;

I thought about what you said and came up with a different conclusion. But similaar.

I think guys are willing to say anything at the beginning of a relationship. They can't think cuz they r using their little brain. Once they stop thinking with their other head they are not willing to bend over backwards anymore.

Hmmmm....my late Nana used to say "What man is going to buy a cow when he is already getting free cream"?

I think women are really doing themselves a disservice when they have sex early in a relationship - or just move in together.  It seems to take away a man's ability to commit.

While I may personally agree with the cream comment it seems a little dated.

And two of the guys who changed their minds about marriage weren't getting any cream yet.

Men and women are just wired differently. Women are interested in tangible signs of committment while men are thinking about sex and how its "good enough" to live together.

Actually we talked today. I told him to stop driving and start walking to work before he crashed the car and killed himself and others. I told him not to leave the house during a thunderstorm bc he might get hit by lightening. Then I told him not to leave home in the summer in case he gets skin cancer. He got the idea and apologized. He just got cold feet last night. I also reiterated that we haven't gone out long enough to be thinking about marriage.

words from a wise sage

Works well I suppose as a generalization. Certainly not true in all cases. I denied my then-girlfriend the honor of having sex with me until after we were wed. This was despite many attempts on her part beforehand.

Someone else want to take this one? I can't top it. 

I'm still laughing half an hour later.....

Jae definately has a sense of humour.

Commitment is an easy thing to think about, as an ideal.  As a man, I would like to get married.  But it's foolish to say that I want to get married to a specific woman before even a month of dating her.  I don't know enough about what a relationship with that woman would be like to be able to say I want to marry her.

Having said that - I'm guilty of doing exactly the foolish thing that both you and I described, Serena.  The first part, anyway.  Early on in a relationship, I will often be very enthusiastic.  New relationships are like that.  I'd expressed a desire to get married, and also expressed that I think she's a good catch for someone who wants to get married.  2 + 2 = interpreting that I want to get married to her specifically.

And that's not really a misinterpretation, because that is what was going through my mind at the time, even if I didn't want to be so bold.  The sad truth is that 3 weeks into dating is too early to be able to tell if someone is an appropriate marriage prospect.  And people will say they want to marry you despite that.  Just take it with a grain of salt.  He's probably not lying, he's just being silly.

I don't think it's necessarily dishonest.  People have a hard enough time deciding if they want pizza or Chinese food for dinner; for something as huge as what they want out of a relationship there are bound to be some mixed feelings sometimes.  A lot of people who were sure they never wanted to be married or have kids or a million other things have changed their minds...and so have people who were sure they did want those things.  Three weeks in to a relationship it's easy to say it's a deal breaker, but you also have no idea if this answer will still be the same in 3 months or 3 years.  Either way you're taking a risk.  You just have to decide which risk you want to take.

Funny how u r all talking about sex. I'm not.

The deal breaker for me last night was that he said he never wanted to get married. So if he never wants to get married then I'm not interested in pursuing a relationship.

The thread isn't even talking about waiting for sex until one is married. This thread is talking about continuing to date after a dealbreaker has been crossed.

The guy I am dating and I r not even talking about having sex yet and I was thrown about his ultimatum 3 weeks into the relationship about marriage or lack of it.

Actually, only kaythecurler was talking about sex.  The other few mentions of sex were directly in response to your response to kaythecurler, taking off in a tangent from the main topic.  This begs the question: Why do you perceive everyone else as talking about sex?

MistsofSpring

Jae is too

But ya I see what u r saying. I suppose I am thinking about sex bc of the Maury Povich situation my room mate brot to my life. She slept with 4 guys in 3 days and had more sex partners in the 10 months she lived in my basement than I have had in my entire lifetime. She would arrange these sleepovers at 11pm with guys shed never met and sometimes I would answer the door and get rid of them bc they hadn't seen her either so they thot I was her. But that is a topic for another thread. Why not to have a room mate.

Ok so being silly is being proposed to on date #2. I dumped a guy for that. What I am saying is some people do not want to get married. And that is ok for them. Its not ok for me. I'm not necessarily talking about marrying the guy I'm dating but I'm planning on getting married in the future and since I want to get married its a waste of time to date someone who does not believe in the institution of marriage.

In general tho I see what u r saying. Guys have a tendency of coming on strong and then when I am finally on the same page they draw back.

I'd like to point something out to you, Serena.  I'm going to copy and paste all the comments related to sex that have been made here, including who made them.  I think you'll be surprised:

Serena said:
I think guys are willing to say anything at the beginning of a relationship. They can't think cuz they r using their little brain. Once they stop thinking with their other head they are not willing to bend over backward anymore.

kaythecurler said:

Serena said:

Men and women are just wired differently. Women are interested in tangible signs of committment while men are thinking about sex and how its "good enough" to live together.

Jae said:

Works well I suppose as a generalization. Certainly not true in all cases. I denied my then-girlfriend the honor of having sex with me until after we were wed. This was despite many attempts on her part beforehand.

Serena said:

Funny how u r all talking about sex. I'm not.

Two of the four comments about sex in the thread were made by you.  In both cases you generalized that men aren't interested in commitments; they think with their "little brains" and how they are wired differently from women to just want sex without commitment.  Of the other two comments about sex, one agreed with you and the other (from a man) disagreed with you, saying that men aren't necessarily just out for sex.  (And yes, there are the videos posted that seem to be about sex from their titles, but I haven't looked at them and they are all part of one post by the same person.)  There are 4 other posts that are definitely in line with deal breakers and when to know if you should end a relationship.

I'm going to tell you what I see.  I see you looking at the dating world (and men) with a bias, probably based on your past experiences.  I think you're quick to assume that men want sex and not marriage, and that they don't want to commit, and any comment or action that proves that in your mind becomes another brick in your "Men don't want to get married" wall.  I think you have possibly been hurt by hanging on too long in the past and now you're looking for signs that the guy won't commit and maybe even backing out of relationships very, very early on because you're afraid to get hurt again.

I don't know if this guy is lying to get in to your pants or not.  I don't know if this guy will never want to get married or if he's just flipping back and forth because of his feelings in the moment.  I can't give you advice that will be guaranteed to be perfect because there is simply no way to know for sure if someone else is being honest about their intentions or if they even know what their intentions are.  I do know that when people get hurt, that doesn't always mean that someone is the bad guy.  Sometimes things just don't work out.  I also know that the only way to find that life you want...love, marriage, family and so on...you have to take a risk, and taking a risk means that you might get hurt.  I don't know if you should take a risk on this guy or not, but I'd like to suggest that you take a step back, not just with him but in any relationship with any guy, and ask yourself "Is this about him or is it about me?"  

There are differing degrees of silly.  Expressing a desire to get married to you before you've even dated for 3 weeks isn't as silly as a 2nd-date proposal, but it's still a silly thing to do.  Worthy of a break-up?  Nah, but that's not what you were thinking of breaking up about in the first place, so moving on...

Sure, some people don't.  Except for when they do.  This isn't a static attribute of a man's character.  And he's probably going to express a lot more certainty about his position on the matter (whichever position it is) than he should, at any given time.  IMO, let it play out.

This is something that changes.  I used to not want to get married.  Now I do.  My longest-term ex-girlfriend (5.5 years) used to not want to get married, for the first 2 years of that.  Then she decided she did want to get married some day.  We broke up largely because she believed that she never, ever wanted kids (I have a strong desire to have children down the road).  She's since changed her mind about that, but the relationship isn't salvageable.  Had we waited, or just had a break of some sort, we'd probably be happily together still.  Maybe even married with kids.  Our impatience cost us.

That's the pattern.  Just don't mistake the "drawing back" for a definitely-permanent change of attitude.

If the deal has been broken Serena, then don't keep dating them. If you do, it sends the signal that the "dealbreaker" is really not all that important to you at all.

Ok so u r right that wasn't why I was thinking of breaking up in the first place.

And patience is a good thing. I was going to break up when he picked me up for supper today but he was too excited to listen and get me outside. For a surprise he got signs printed for his truck with the name of my massage business. This is silly too. But a very sweet silly. And we agreed not to talk about marriage again for 8 months.

Glad to hear it, Serena!  And that's a really cute thing for him to do!  Even if he's averse to the concept of marriage right now, that factor won't prevent him from falling in love with you.  And if he loves you, and is committed to you, then he will likely marry you - even if only because of what it means to you.  Don't lose heart. :)

Hi MistsofSpring;

This is good advice.    I guess I am a bit sour and reading backwards with mud colored  glasses.  I guess time will tell and its important not to make him pay for the sins of bfs past.