My friend recently starting dating a new guy from college; this is her first year. I recently found out from another friend of mine that this boyfriend is abusive, controlling, and overall a terrible person; she knows this because her step-sister and another friend of hers dated the same guy. I have talked to him before and he seems so nice so I'm scared to tell my friend from college about what my other friend said. I do not want to harm our friendship. What should I do? Let me know if I need to clarify the problem please...I do not want to see my friend in danger.
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Comments
trishcuit
Posted on: 12/15/2008 20:02
tell her before she gets too attached. get others to support you and let your friend know you are doing it OUT OF LOVE. At least you will open her eyes and make her aware so she will hopefully 'see it coming' before getting in too deep.
And tell her to read the "Paper Bag Princess"
Elementary Penguin (not verified)
Posted on: 12/15/2008 22:52
Trishcuit is right. You should definitely tell her, but let her know it is out of genuine love and concern. It's better to be safe than sorry.
chemgal
Posted on: 12/16/2008 00:10
I would say it depends on how close you are to your friend. Especially considering you haven't seen it personally. If you're close I'd talk about it once, then leave it at that until you see something yourself. Just keep your eyes open for warning signs.
I've been in relationship that wasn't unhealthy, but I found out afterwards that a lot of my friends didn't like my boyfriend. I kinda wished they had said something sooner! (They really didn't like him, it wasn't them just being supportive after a breakup.)
Even if the guy is a total jerk and you see it firsthand there isn't much you can do. I've been there, told a good friend exactly what I thought of her boyfriend, listened to hear for a looooong time complain about the situation. She even would say things like 'I'm one of those stupid girls who just won't leave a bad situation' *sigh* I would just look at her and say you know what I think of him already, so there isn't much else to tell you. There wasn't much I could do other than listen, be supportive and throw a little celebration (but still being supportive that ending a relationship is tough) when the relationship was finally over.
trishcuit
Posted on: 12/16/2008 00:11
It is her choice wether she keeps seeing him or not but now she will not be wearing her rose colored glasses. You don't have to go into gory detail about what you have heard, unless she asks for it. That will seem like character bashing and back-stabbing etc. But don't beat around the bush either.
When I first started seeing the man who became my first husband someone said "Him? He's a major alcoholic.". It didn't seem that way at the time because it was early on and he was still on his best behavior so to speak. I should have listened.
Sparkle24
Posted on: 12/16/2008 22:44
well i would say if she is a true friend too you then there should be nothing stoping you to tell her. If she was probaly in your shoes right now she would prob do the same thing! so i think the right thing to do is tell her before she gets hurt.
VolleyballChick
Posted on: 12/17/2008 17:17
Thanks to everyone. I am going to talk to her tomorrow.
Fakirs Canada
Posted on: 12/18/2008 09:25
Would it not be possible to arrange for the friend who told you about the guy to talk to your friend who is dating the guy? That would be best. Then, if she becomes angry, it won't be at you, and she is much less likely to wonder if you're just trying to make trouble.
Beloved
Posted on: 12/18/2008 14:49
Greetings!
My friend recently starting dating a new guy from college; this is her first year. I recently found out from another friend of mine that this boyfriend is abusive, controlling, and overall a terrible person; she knows this because her step-sister and another friend of hers dated the same guy.
Are you certain that this information is correct . . . is it something you have witnessed first hand? Have you talked to your friend's step-sister or other friend to find out what happend?
I do not want to harm our friendship. What should I do? Let me know if I need to clarify the problem please...I do not want to see my friend in danger.
You are a caring friend to want to protect your friend. That is a good thing. You must prepare yourself for the fact that your friend might not receive your concerns and might choose the boyfriend over what you tell her, and possibly you. You have to decide if you are willing to risk your friendship with her by trying to protect her. If you are certain he is a danger, then you may want to risk your friendship to save her from something harmful. That is why it is important to make sure you have facts (and the correct facts) when and if you decide to talk to her. Even if the facts are accurate she may choose to not believe them and stay with the boyfriend and cut off ties with you.
Keep us posted.
Hope, peace, joy, love . . .