I'm not married, but one of my favourite solutions has been for both partners to have a name change. I've seen this happen twice: in one case they both hyphenated their names - in this case it was her name first followed by his (simply because it rolled off the tongue more easily that way) - and in another case they both changed their last name to a word that had a significant meaning in their relationship.

Congratulations on the engagement and good luck with the decision!

My spouse changed her name to mine, and in most of the marriages I've conducted the female partner has changed her name to the male partner's. However ...

I know many couples where the female partner has not changed her name, I have friends who both hyphenated their last names after marriage (ie, Joe Smith and Jane Jones became Joe Smith-Jones and Jane Jones-Smith) and I know of one couple where the male partner changed his name to his wife's. 

For all that, I see no evidence that the female changing her name to the male's name makes for a better marriage. Making a good marriage has far more to do with respecting each other than with a relatively minor point of what the bride's last name is going to be. I would, however, make a decision now about what last name any children will have. No need to fight about that at the last minute!

Thank you! Those are really neat ideas and I like them personally, but..

I've already discussed the possibilty of both of us changing our name, and he is not open to it; That sort of makes me more reluctant to change my name, because he won't change his.
 

Why isn't he willing to change his?  Is his name more valuable than yours?

Ok, the way I wrote that makes him sounds like a jerk, but he really is being very sensitive and open to this subject- even if he is bored of me talking about it.
It's not that he finds more value in his name, but he is more traditional than I am and wants to keep his name for his family's sake. I think he also just really likes it, and my name or our names hyphenated or blended would sound funny with his given name.

Being more drawn to tradition, he had always just assumed that his future wife would take his name without question, but since I have talked it over with him he can definitely see the value in me not changing it and is not making any attempt to make me (the pressure is from my parents, friends, and religious peoples).

Thank you for all your comments on here. Your impartial input is very valued!!
<3 Joel

I changed my name.  And was happy to.

I have one friend where they both changed their name to a combo hisname-hername.  I must confess it seemed odd to me at the time, i guess I am too traditional.

I volunteer in a ballet school and so see lots of name variations.  There are tons of kids who have different names than the moms.  It doesn't seem to be an issue for them.  Confusing for me  to figure out who goes with whom.  Really confusing when mom and dad are divorced and new dad has a third name but......

I guess for me it would be is there a reason you want to keep your name.  Perhaps if you coudl have a specific reason then it would be clearer for you.

My wife did not change her name when we were married 21 years ago, for professional reasons. Neither did her children (my stepsons). Our two children by adoption have my last name.

No one suffered irreversible psychological damage. I did not suffer an identity crisis, nor did my wife. I'm "Dad" to all the kids, and she is "Mom". There has never been a problem in any school, church or community setting.

Frankly, this is a symptom of much deeper relationship isses, such as power and control and how you make decisions, especially if you take the "peacegiving" solution you propose. It will cast you as the one to give in for the rest of your relationship and set the pattern (and an unhealthy one, IMHO) for your future.

Good luck.

I've been married for 6 years and I didn't change my name.  Why not?  Because it's a huge hassle to contact EVERYONE and change my name, and why should a woman have to do all of that if a man doesn't?  That said, there have also been a few problems because I didn't change my name, such as traditional relatives assuming that I would (even when told that I wouldn't) who wrote cheques to us in "Mr. and Mrs." format that were very hard to deposit in to his account.  Those relatives still insist upon sending everything to us as "Mr. and Mrs." and nothing we can say or do will change their minds about it.  Our daughter also has his name instead of mine, and it does get a bit annoying to have the teacher always call me by THEIR name instead of my own (and she's only in jk!  Imagine how much more annoying it will be in a few years!)

I still consider changing my name for two reasons:  first, it would be kind of nice to be "The [Blank]s" because it's easy and everyone gets it, and second, because I actually do prefer his last name and it even sounds better with mine than my own name.  I doubt I'll ever do it, though, mainly due to all the trouble.  Do I really want to call every credit card company, every place we do business with, get cheques re-ordered, change my driver's license and health card, re-write my new name in to every book I own, etc. just so that other people don't make a mistake over my name???  I already go through life with the first name "Sheri" which gets misspelled so often that I'll never have an easy go of it where names are concerned, so it isn't as if this name confusion is new to me. 

One thing I think we might change is to have the phone listed in their last name instead of mine; when she gets older, I'd like other kids to be able to look her up in the phone book if they need to, and it would make it harder for my students to prank call me!

In any case, I don't think it will do my child any harm to have a mom with a different last name.  I had a boyfriend once in university and he said he strongly believed that it was best for the child for the whole family to have the same name, to which I responded "Well, if you feel THAT strongly about it, if we ever get married and have kids, I'll let you change your name."  He shut up pretty fast. 

Where I work very few women change their name, or if they do they hyphenate the two names because of the publication record.

I haven't decided what I am going to do yet, but I know I won't completely go by just his last name, at the very least I would keep my 3 names and add his as a fourth.  Immediately after getting married, I'm planning on socially going by his name, but professionally and legally going by my name.  That way, I don't need to change a thing.

There's no rule that says if you decide to change your name you need to do it immediately after getting married.  If we have kids and I haven't changed my name yet, that might be when I decide to, or not.

Whatever you decide to do, you're still you 

I too kept my birth name when I married, Now divorced I still have it. For my kids we gave them my last name as an additonal last name . It meant there was a birhcertificate etc with same surname.

My teens certainly feel part of the family. We just label objects with both surnames.

Giving up your name can be losing part of your identity.

it was a very hard decsion to change my name as well... i got married while i was still in university and so when i convocated, i was worried about which name i would be obtaining my degree with.

i decided to change my name to the same as my husbands.

it does make it easier when you have kids... registering them for stuff like school, medical, that kind of thing is much simpler when you don't have to fill out the 'if your name is different...' section of all the forms.  but i have many friends who have kept their last names for various reasons and don't seem to mind too much.

a friend of mine had a mom who kept her maiden name, and she said it was sometimes embarrassing for her, and she always felt like her mom was somehow 'apart' from the rest of the family because she had a different last name then the rest of them.  when she got married, she took her husbands last name, and pretty much advocates everyone to do the same.

the only second thought i ever had came a few years ago, when i was discussing it at a party, and my husband commented that he had no idea that i had struggled with the idea of changing my name... he just assumed that it was a done deal.  that really gave me pause for thought.  he said later on that he really appreciated me taking his name, though.  that made for a good night after the party, if you know what i mean.

Is he the only son? Is it important to his family that he "carry on" the famiy name? Some people are more traditional that way.

I think it's your choice.

I appreciate the thought that you are giving this issue, Joel Elizabeth. You say you "don't really want to change your name", then my suggestion is don't. It's important for you and your fiance to be talking about this. It's a big decision. If you are not comfortable changing your name, don't do it for the sake of what others think you should do because of tradition or whatever other reasons are used.  

My partner and I each kept our last name (we are two women so clearly didn't experience the same expectations that straight couples do in that regard) and our child's last name is hyphenated with both of our last names. My personal opinion is that keeping your name is not selfish - it is being true to you, just as your husband will be being true to himself by choosing to keep his name.

Why don't u use both names? For school and such u can be Mr. And Mrs. Leave all ur credit cards in ur maiden name.

It would be a hassle for me to change my name too because of my degrees. My Dad always wanted me to get a doctorate and keep my maidenmaiden name. I think talk to lawyer and see how u can legally use both. It is nice for a family to have the same last name.

My question wasn't meant to investigate whether or not he is open to differing decisions, but rather to investigate the motivations determining what he wants to happen.  And you do not disappoint! ...

This is interesting.  So, if he had a brother or sister whose name continued onward, then he'd be more okay with changing his own name?

Also, tradition is a distraction from the topic I'm trying to investigate with you (the subject is one I'm dealing with as well).  There are lots of cultural traditions that any given person does or doesn't follow.  Which ones are held or abandoned by an individual, tells us something about that individual and his or her values.  We are personally responsible for our selection of the traditions to which we hold, after all.

And at least as much pressure on him from his, based on what you've said re: tradition!  

As I said, this is an issue I'm dealing with as well with my partner.  We're considering getting married, and of course the naming issue will come up.  If we were never going to have children, then of course we'd just keep our current names and carry on, but children do end up forcing the issue.

I am an only son; I have a half-sister with the same name, but she's very traditional (at least compared to me) and likely to change her name for her future husband (whom she is already with; it's just a matter of time).

My own partner in crime is one of a family of three with one sister and one brother.  Her last name is "Coxson", mine is "Dugdale" (yeah, I don't care that much about anonymity on here).  Now, we're a very egalitarian couple - we share every traditionally gendered role we can (childbirth and breastfeeding will have to be her domain though, I suppose).  We consider ourselves equal partners, and can see no basis by which one person's name should erase the other's.  As I mentioned above, we'd normally just carry on with our present names.

Of course, one has to think of the [future] children.  Mind you, my own name is a pain in the ass ("Mr. Doug Dale?" ... "No, you idiot, it's Dugdale!  One word!  ARGH!").  And Coxson isn't exactly the best name re: schoolyard teasing, not to mention the inconveniently near-silent "s".  So we've considered another option, one you might wish to consider as well:  Both of you end up changing your names.

The idea is that you pick a name that you both like, and use that.  Ideally, it even includes components of your current names.  In my own case, she and I have jokingly considered "Coxdale" (We invite you to the "Coxdale party"! lol).  But "Doxson" or "Doxon" would be a workable invention as well.  That way, neither name is erased, and both of you have to make a compromise.  Plus it has the advantage of not being clunky, as hyphenated names so often are.

What do you think?

EDIT:  Oh yeah, and on the topic I wanted to ask about - why do you think your husband feels beholden to this particular tradition, peer pressure aside?

I wonder if this issue would be treated the same way if it was the first or entire name that had to be changed to satisfy tradition?

I suspect it would.

OMG why would you change your name if you don't want to. My mom never changed her name and I completely agree with her 100%. And it's never been weird at all. She's like my rolemodel. Anyways who cares what other people think you should do? If you don't want to change it, don't. It's YOUR name!!

Just for information.

Name changing is entirely cultural.  In other places it is traditional that the woman does NOT change her name.

It's actually the Chinese tradition for the woman to keep her father's surname instead of taking her husband's but my wife decided to follow English tradition and take my name. She thought mine would cause fewer problems for English speakers. Little did she  know .

Mendalla

just to weigh in here - I took my husbands name after years of saying I wouldn't (for all the feminist/identity-related reasons listed here). It was one of those things I toyed with and just somehow ended up on the other side of it, saying 'This is something I want to do but I have no good reason as to why' - and to this day I don't, the best I can come up with is I'm always about reinvention, trying different things (I tried spelling my first name without the 'h' at one point; change my hair colour like, every 2-3 months, etc.). This is a case where ultimately what felt right in a particular place and time, isn't where I would normally philosophically fall, it's just what my gut told me and, as per usual, I went with it lol.

I already mentioned what I did.

But I have 2 sisters. The older one kept her birth name and hypenated her kids last name.

The younger sister hypenated her name and gave the kids their father"s surname.

I love my partner and get referred toas  his last name at times, but I have kept my own name.  My kids have a different last name than both of ours.  That seems to work for us.

By the way , he is sometimes referred to as Mr. "my last name".

I do know some couples who have theiroriginal surnames and have one kid by his last name and one kid by hers.  If you tend to sit still for many years, you can do anything with your last name and your community will adapt and deal with it.  Problems arise only if you move a great deal.

I was more than happy to take my partner's name. I was proud to be connected with him in any way.

My maiden name was Scottish - and it isn't common in Oz, I got tired of having to spell it.

My husband's name was worse, polite "Is that REALLY your name?"

(Personally, I would have preferred a "nice" English name like Bennett, Middleton, Windsor.)

I think it's important to do what's right for you. One of my step-daughters is a doctor - and she's found it easier to keep her maiden name.

Did he feel the same way about you?

Yes. When he was in remission he told me I was the best thing that ever happened to him.

It was a wonderful gift of love  - it helped me cope with my grief.

BTW, it might seem important at the time of marriage about who takes whose name - but after  twenty years together you realise that love and committment are what count in a marriage.

From my perspective now, worrying about your name seems rather superficial.

If he felt the same way, then why wasn't he as eager to take your name?  What tipped it one way rather than the other?

My wife kept her last name - you can use both as long as it is not to mislead legally.  In ontario you donot change your name legally and if you do it is a problem - all past information has to be change.

Keep you name - all my daughters in law did.

How exactly does this work, and doesn't it get confusing having two names?  I'm in Ontario as well, but I thought that if I started using his name I'd have to change all my ID and everything.  Or do you mean just answering to Mrs. [blank] socially?

It wasn't even a question of "tipping it one way rather than the other' - it wasn't even discussed or even thought about.

I'm a lot older than you - that was just how it was back then in Oz.

At that time women earned three quarters of the male salary for doing the same work - and had to retire from government employment when they married.

Thankfully, these conditions have now changed.

As to the name change situation, I still don't think it matters either way. A woman can insist on retaining her own name - and still be treated as a possession by her husband, just as she can if she takes his name.

The quality of the relationship isn't determined by whose name is adopted.

I kept my name.  After all it is MY name - it's who I am and who I continue to be - married or not.    That was my rationale.    

The person who was most surprised was my (very traditional) Dad - he actually said - "but what will I put on the envelope if I mail something to you?"   Such a life dilemma for poor old Dad.  But he's adjusted.

Our kids have my surname as a 3rd legal name, and their father's surname as their 4th legal name - not hyphenated, but both are legally present.   We just use their 4th name as their surname, not both.   It creates some interesting situations at times, but really ... nothing that can't be easily managed!   It's interesting to see what assumptions people make when there are a variety of surnames in a family. 

 My husband kept his last name.  I really wanted him to changed it.  Still do.  But oh well.  The kids, though, the kids have the longest names under the sun!  Hyphenated and everything.  And if they decide to hyphenate, too?  Geeze.  I would make him take your name.  Really, makes things much easier!  But seriously?  

Will he feel like he's your property if he gives up his name?  You might want to consider that question.

When I was married 20 years ago, I hyphenated my name.  My children have his last name although my eldest daughter carries my maiden name as a middle name as this is a family tradition of mine (and yes; there was an argument - it was fine as long as it was a name and not hyphenated - whatever!)  Generally when I was in a professional setting, I used my hyphenated name and when I was in a family situation I used my husband's name.  About 6 years ago I started a new job and I simply used my maiden name.  Since that time I have reverted to that name and almost exclusively use it.  I simply prefer my maiden name most people call me by that name now. 

Now to be interesting, my WC user name is my initials with my hyphenated last name.  And  I do still end most e-correspondance with my initials which often confuses people that don't know my "married name"...cms

My wife had decided to change her last name to mine. When we went to city hall to get our marriage licence we asked if the licence also included a name change. "Oh no," the clerk responded (paraphrasing here), "That's an entirely different process."

It's a process we have yet to go through. After marrying my wife, she informed me that Korean tradition is for both parties to keep the family names they had before marriage. It's a tradition I have chosen to honor.

It does make things a tad confusing sometimes. My wife, my stepson, and I each have a different last name.

I married in Quebec, where names are not changed. My wife sometimes uses my name, sometimes hers. It creates no problems.

Some imteresting reading in this thread.  I changed my surname (in that place in those long ago days that was the norm).  To do anything different would have caused a lot of grief for his very traditional family in addition to confuses people in general. 

My daughters changed there names, my sons didn't.

I think I will enjoy watching the children with long hyphenated surnames deciding how to name there own children.  Allyson Bryant-Cherepuschak marrying David Wilkinson-Blackstone...what would they call the kids?  Like I said I think it will be fun to watch.  Will we really get things like Baby Bryant-Wilkinson-Cherepuschak-Blackstone???

 This thread is interesting.  I'm a little surprised at the number of you who didn't change your names!  I knew with my generation this was more common, but many of you are closer to my parents age.  I thought most people changed their names, and on a rare occasion someone would hyphenate, I guess I was wrong!

If Wondercafe is an accurate sample - it seems that Canadian women are more prepared to retain their maiden name on marriage than Aussie women.

When I think of my friends,relatives, and their children,there is only one that I know of - my second step-daughter. She's a doctor, and found it less bother for professional reasons to change her name when she married.

Unless their wealthy and proud of it, Aussies as a rule don't use hyphenated names. Here it signifies class - and it doesn't "fit" with a society that values egalitarianism.

Maybe Canadians look for equality in the sexes, and Aussies like to see equality more in a (often supposedly) classless society?

[/quote]

From my perspective now, worrying about your name seems rather superficial. 

[/quote]

I can see why it seems superficial to some- Shakespeare said it best "What is a name? a rose by any other name would still smell as sweet?" 
But many people- with myself included- draw a great sense of identity and joy from their birth name, and so changing it (along with egalitarian/feminist reasons, et. al.) creates a sort of identity crisis; that's what I feel like I'm going through.
It really has nothing to do with how much you love your spouse or not, identity is a purely psychological dilema for people; so from other opinions that I have heard on here too, it is not all that superficial- if you're a person who finds a great sense of identity in your name.

Great responses and debate on this thread! It's been very interesting.
At this point I'm pretty sure that I will keep my name, we will name the children after him, and if there seems to be many hassles I might change it then.   

Blessings!
Joel

When we got married I told my wife I was completley cool with it if she wanted to keep her name. I'm nor sure it came up but I would have been o.k. with hyphens too. She's more traditional than me and so she just took my name. I think the only reason she hesitatied in doing that is because she was still in college and worried about changing before she finished.

You can change id etc without legallly changing your name - that is another aspect of the law and it changes birth records etc.  You can keep your name and go by Mrs smith.

Keep your name. It's yours. You were born with it. (factoid: Napoleonic code/civil code/law holds that you keep your name, no option.)

Exceptions: you hate your name; you're hub (2 be) has a cooler/fancier/nicer sounding name.

Reason: In Canada, you can use your husband's name for everything without legally changing it BUT if you Legally Change your name and ever (let's be practical, people) want to change it Back to YOUR name it's co$t$ You money.

So, you can do both: use your husband's name, but not legally change it. Gives you lots of options. :)

 Interesting:

In Alberta, a woman may assume the last name of her husband as this is traditionally recognized. She may assume just his last name or her last name combined with his; the order of the two last names is optional.

When a woman marries in Alberta and chooses to assume her husband's last name, Alberta Vital Statistics does not deem this to be a legal change of name. When a couple marries in Alberta, Vital Statistics will not change the woman's birth record to reflect her newly assumed last name nor would a notification document be forwarded to another province/country (in which she was born) advising them of such. When a woman, who marries in Alberta only assumes her husband's last name, she may decide to return to the last name on her birth certificate at any time.

Once married, the woman may start changing her identification.

All identification should be eventually made to have the same name. 

I thought that changing your name/ID meant legally changing your name.  There was no mention of same-sex couples on the website, but it did mention this for the guys:

 husband may assume the last name of the bride if he so desires. As it is not traditionally recognized for the groom to assume the bride's last name, he may have problems with some organizations that will not recognize this change. An option available to the groom is to have a legal change of name processed.

It's not a light matter, Besh.  Would you change your name trivially, outside of the context of marriage?

Interesting.  I do think this would make you a statistical outlier, though, Beshpin!

Hi Joel Elizabeth!  I just happened to get married a couple months ago, and here's what we decided to do:

My husband is Catalan, from Barcelona (Spain) originally.  In Spain, everyone has two last names - their father's last name and their mother's last name (maiden name, we say here).  It's now common practice for women to keep their two last names when they're married, and then their kids end up taking a name from each.

To try to be clearer:  say my husband's last names are Ferrar Ruez.  And my last names are Wilson Whyte (Whyte being my mom's maiden name).  Our children's last names would become Ferrar Wilson.    Though, in this North American world that freaks out if you have two last names, you'd have to hyphen them.  But I'm perfectly happy for our kids to carry both names, and me stick with my own.

Wow.  I'm gonna look like an old fuddy-duddy.  I took my sweetheart's name.  It didn't take me any time to decide it.  I didn't feel like I gave anything up (I wasn't 'professional' at anything yet).  I don't feel like I sold out my history - after all, its my parent's story, not mine.  I didn't choose my last name in the first place.  

I liked that we were creating our own new family, and what other name would we have picked?  I didn't want to hyphenate - complicated and not very inspiring to say; nor did I want my kids to have confusing last names.  I love ya all dearly, but when I'm trying to match up kids to parents, and everyone has different names, its confusing (at first -then I get it figured out). 

I didn't feel pressured, or traditional, or like it was assumed by anyone.  I just felt like we were a team, starting off on our own adventure, and my name reflected that I had made that change.  If he had wanted to change his, then we could have talked about it.

I bristle at the thought that a namechange would become an issue 2 people would argue over.  If  you're arguing over that before you're married even, then there is something of a power struggle going on, even if it is just one person creating it.  If I start complaining about husbands who do nothing and hang out with their buddies and never help around the house and expect me to be barefoot & pregnant, I might be voicing the complaints of women around the world, but it has nothing to do with my own husband.  So make sure the decision is made based on your own heart, and that of your sweetheart.

No experience myself - 50 years ago when I was married few women, and none in my area, even considered keeping their own name.   Besides I was never close to my father or particularly fond of his name, and I rather liked my husband's last name.

When my daughter was first married I wondered if she would keep her own name but I don't think she even considered it.  She took her husband's name and went through the hastle of changing everything from driver's license to bank accounts to credit cards.  Unfortunately, but as happens all too often today, that marriage ended in divorce.  When she decided that she wanted her own name back she had to go through the hastle again, plus the legal forms and expense.   Yes, it costs money to get your name back. 

I was surprised a few years later when she married again, she took her new husband's name and again went through the hastle of notifying all her contacts.    I think it had to do with her commitment to this marriage.  She was going to make it work, and so far she has. 

I wish that she had either kept her own name or hyphanated her last name with her husband's.  And I wish that the children had our last name as part of theirs.  Perhaps this matters more to me because our son never married and these are our only grandchildren. 

But I didn't say anything.  I figured this was her decision. 

I think if someone did come to me for advice it would be something like this:  Keep your own name legally and for business. (ie Jane Confident);  use his name socially (ie Mr. and Mrs. Justin Pringle); and give the children hyphenated names (ie  Sally Confident-Pringle and James Confident-Pringle).  

Only to clarify a misconception that has popped up a few times in commenting about my relationship on this thread: We are NOT arguing about this! The issue is with others and with myself. I did say that he gets tired /bored of me talking about it without making a clear decision, but we are not arguing about it and he is being very kind and supportive.

It is new to me- and others on here it seems- that 'assuming' a name is not the same as LEGALLY changing it; That is actually a differential that I think more women out there that are facing this problem should be educated on, because it is not well known.
Also, I've kept ideological commentary to a minimum to now, but I find it interesting enough to comment now. The wide spectrum of answers on this thread is interesting, and reading some other women's accounts of this issue, I think it highlights that (as much as some would like to believe it) women are not yet fully liberated in Canada- this is just one avenue inequality may manifest itself with social pressures to uphold patriarchal practises.

I am glad for the women out there for whom this is not/was never an issue; You don't know how lucky you are!

Joel Elizabeth - someday you'll probably look back on this and wonder what all the fuss was about.  You will be facing many many decisions in your future where you and your husband, and the parents & in-laws all have differing views.  So it's a good 'test case' for you - to listen to your own heart and others opinions, weigh what you hear,  and reach a decision you can live with.  I'm confident you'll find a solution.    Perhaps your fiance is right - you may be 'overthinking' this one.   Sometimes deciding how to decide is the hard part!