I think it depends on what you mean by fidelity.

To me, fidelity is more a trust issue than it is a sex issue. It depends entirely on what the agreed to boundaries are in your particular marriage.

Is it wierd that the first thought that came to my mind when reading the OP's title was "being a non-Muslim"?  As in, an "infidel"?  Anyway...

It would depend on just how much of a breach of trust there was, imo.

Infidel just means "Someone not of the speakers religion".  Usually used as a derogatory remark, it was invented by Christian Crusaders during...well...the crusades...to describe their Muslim advisaries.

Anywhooo...

I think as long as both people agree on what they consider to be the bounds of the relationship, then that is fine.  And I don't think society should box people in in their decision making.  However I do believe there should be reasonable limits (i.e. against polygamy et cetera...).

As-salaamu alaikum, Ramadan Mubarak

-Omni

Thanks for the clarification re: "infidel", Omni.  I guess the fact that it first came to mind the way I describe says something about my cultural biases, doesn't it?  But on topic again...

Polygamy would be very hard to sneak under one's spouse's radar.  I mean, there'd be all that legal stuff about marrying multiple people.  Come tax time, one's spouse would surely know that something is amiss.  Did you mean something other than "polygamy"?

I think polyamoury is the commonly used term now, since the abuse of women has tainted the word "polygamy"

Technically, polygamy is marriage to multiple people.  Monogamy is, likewise, a marriage to one person.  The suffix "-gamy" indicates marriage.

Thing is, some of the polyamorous crowd (not the polygamist Mormon types, but the open relationship types) believe in fidelity, just different in kind from what monoamorists like yours truly follow. They tell their spouses about their outside relationships and sometimes share multi-partner relationships with their spouses and remain faithful within those relationships. Cheating would be having a relationship outside the boundaries set in agreement with your spouse and other partners. It's a different ethos, where marriage is a negotiated contract that spells out who you can sleep with and sometimes when and how. There may be 2 parties to the contract or several (often 3, but sometimes mores). Adultery/cheating is going outside that contract. I could never live in such a relationship myself, I don't think, but I can see where they are coming from.

Mendalla

I would leave my bf if he cheated.   Cheating involves lying.  It involves a safety issue (STD's) and involves complicated matters such as him possibly fathering a child with another woman if the birth control methods fail.

It's such an individual decision with many factors to it. It can include your own beliefs on how important faithfulness is, what "counts" as cheating (is second base cheating, what about third, what about emotional unfaithfulness that doesn't include sex) does it matter if it was "just sex" or something more, does it matter if it was recent or just newly discovered, and I'm sure I'm missing any number of issues people bring up. I can't imagine an answer for everyone.

Well, I believe that hubby would never. We have an understanding that way. He considders it the lowest of the low thing to do. Even when I was young and dating, I expected fidelity while in a relationship. I even went so far as not to see anyone else even when I hated my boyfriend, until it was officially over.

I think though that each situation is different, different people, different reasons, different situations. So there's no one rule for everybody.

I knew a woman once who's husband cheated on her, and I fully stood by her as she kicked him out of the house and placed a restraining order on him.

I think also that it should always be ok to notice other people are good looking, and to speak with them, but there is a line that cannot be crossed, for me. It's a matter of trust.

I don't know how it must be when a person is in love with two people at the same time, that must be difficult.

My mom was once the other woman, with a separated man. In the end he chose his wife. It was hard for mom. She had to give him the ultimadum.

Actually somegirl, I totally believe the opposite of you. I think that we as a society put waaay too little emphasis on sexual fidelity in committed relationships. Infidelity is all over the place, especially in media. TV and movies suggest that infidelity is the way to go. It really is quite horrid.

I don't know just how to put this:  I think I would be far more interested in what I might call fidelity of the the mind than on sexual fidelity.  How committed are both parties to the marriage?  Was this something that happened once? or rarely?   Does he still love me and want to be married to me - or would he rather be with her?  And will I be able to handle it?   I centainly wouldn't want to remain in a marriage where I felt that I couldn't trust my spouse, or that I had to keep checking on him.  (Where were you last night?  Who were you with?  How do you account for the extra mileage on the car?  etc.) 

If I couldn't trust him - or if he wanted out of the marriage, or was just staying for convenience - I really don't know.  But if he was still committed to the marriage, and still shared his thoughts, his life, and his income, with me - I wouldn't be too concerned about a one time sexual slip-up.

People go through difficult times where they aren't sure about themselves and thier lives, they may act oddly and make some dumb mistakes, or it may be that they really do want something else out of life. I think that may determine whether someone ought to be forgiven or not.

Jae raises a good point, I think. Where is it that you see this "emphasis" that "society" places on fidelity? "Society" as a whole seems quite open to infidelity; it's only when it happens to "me" that things start to get touchy.

For the record, I think the level and type of fidelity/trust in any relationship is a matter to be decided upon by the partners. 

I was just wondering really.  I asked around and everyone I know would dump their partner if they had sex with another person.   Where do you and Jae get the idea that society is open to infidelity?  Please point me to these sources, maybe I'm watching the wrong shows or reading the wrong books and magazines.  Granted, it is a great plot device because if the cheater gets caught they lose everything.

I think that in some (maybe many) cases that is throwing the baby out with the bathwater.  When I think about it, sex is the least part of my relationship with my husband.  All the things that we share, emotionally, and personally and just the day to day running a household, our bodies are are pretty minor compared to all the other things we share.

i know that i would never be able to forgive my husband for infidelity.  and even if i could, forgetting it??  i couldn't do that.

if my husband cheated on me, i would have to end the marriage. 

But that's what I said. When it happens to "me" it's a big issue. But in society (and we may quibble over the definition of what constitutes or reflects society) infidelity is everywhere. On TV and in movies and in the media. One example of a movie that glorifies infidelity and makes it seem a wonderful and beautiful thing is the movie we've recently been discussing here on WC - "Brokeback Mountain." And while those who practice infidelity often pay a price in terms of losing the relationship  (because the spouse doesn't like it) I don't see them pay any price otherwise (the notable exception right now might be Tiger Woods, who lost significant endorsement money after his infidelity, but going back a few years I don't think Bill Clinton paid any particular price for his infidelities; he left office as one of the most popular presidents of recent times.) 

I don't see a societal "emphasis" on fidelity. I see individual expectations of fidelity which are becoming increasingly at odds with the message we get from the above sources and the examples we get from many of those we perceive (rightly or wrongly) as role models.

I agree here with the Rev.

 Jae and I aren't in agreement all that often, so this is somewhat historic!     

LOL!! 

that happened to me once too, rev, and so far the world hasn't ended or anything.  so i think you can relax, cause its obviously not a sign of the apocalypse.

Except it has happened to "me" and it wasn't a big deal.  Not in my current relationship but a previous one.

Infidelity is in the movies, on TV and in books but the cheaters inevitably come to a bad end.  Brokeback Mountian has infidelity as a subject but does not show society's acceptance of it, in fact it shows the complete opposite.

Interesting that the two wives in Brokeback Mountain reacted differently to their husbands' infidelity.  Ennis' wife left him and made a new life for herself, while recognizing that as the father of her children he would always have a place in the family.  Jack's wife stayed with him, and the relationship seems to have been more like room-mates or brother and sister - sharing a home, sharing much of their lives, except for one rather important item in a marriage.  Who is to say which made the better choice.

Maybe I'm more insecure than most - but if my husband had had an affair it would have ended the relationship we had.

Not absolutely sure it would have ended the marriage - but definately the relationship we had.

For me, the basis of any meaningful close relationship is trust. Trust isn't a toy that can be replaced - once broken it doesn't exist.

Although the story itself definitely generates sympathy for Jack & Ennis and general acceptance of the relationship as beautiful and natural. Also, the "problem" in the movie is not society's attitude toward infidelity in general, but rather toward homosexual infidelity, and I wold suggest that it's the homosexual angle rather than the adulterous one that''s at the heart of the movie.

As far back as the mid 70's there was a positive and popular portrayal of infidelity in the stage play and movie "Same Time Next Year" and many of the same things were said of Doris and George's relationship as were said of Jack and Ennis's: that it was so beautiful, etc. That was over 30 years ago.

 I know there are positive cultural  portrayals of infidelity like ones given. I'm just not sure that if we're looking at positive vs negative ones in popular culture that the positive infidelity is okay ones far outweigh negative portrayals whether outright condemnation or portrayals of infidelity leading to negative consequences or conflict between the people involved fictional or real.  

  I'm thinking about all the popular crime dramas where one person cheating on the other is used as plot point and a motive or at least part of the motive behind whatever crime is being portrayed.  It's probably one of the more common things to see in those sorts of shows.    Then there's other shows, everything from Grey's anatomy to  silly situation comedies where the various characters with deal with a cheating spouse or partner or worry that a spouse or partner is cheating and some sort of conflict ensues.   I can think of very few where part of the story is that cheating is somehow okay.  If it was there wouldn't be much of story.  

  Court dramas- cheating spouse, reason for divorce or people getting a divorce and it looks like one of the two, guy or gal is going to get the better deal,  then it's either discovered, unconvered by the awesome lawyer that they were cheating and bingo...they win.  How many times has variations of that plot been portrayed?   

 Then there are the numerous reality and talk shows.  Thinking of Jerry Springer type shows where the 'cheating partner getting caught and being confronted, admitting they're cheating and variations like 'I think my partner cheated and need a DNA to make sure the kid is mine' are quite common.  Crass, voyeristic and using 'people cheating' as some form of entertainment which I personally think is just horrible but regardless even though cheating is the driver of the story it is a story because for most it's looked on as a bad thing and wrong.   Wouldn't be an issue or make a 'good' story  if it wasn't.    

You don't see a whole lot of  'hey  my partner cheated isn't it great" stories out there.   I think that there is definitely a societal attitude that portraying or telling about stories about cheating or where the infidelity of the characters is a major or minor part of the plot conflict  is okay which is why it's around a lot and it's seen a lot.   I just don't see that as equaling some sort of acceptance that it's an okay thing to do, more a general acceptance that yes it does happen and hey look at all the sorts of different conflicts (fictional or real) that are consequences of it happening and all of the different stories we can tell about those consequences.    

If cheating was accepted as an okay or not a bad thing to do we wouldn't likely see so many portrayals of it in the first place.  No conflict makes a boring story.        

 I feel that movies and TV shows depict alot of sexual infidelity but even more I think they depict alot of sexual encounters.  SEx is shown as a very casual encounter which is quite contrary to how it seems to me.

Shows like Sex in the City were all about women having sex with good looking guys.  Casual sex generally.  There are many sit coms that show similar ideas.  

And i think there is a perception that being sexually promiscuous is ok.  The hollywood stars that seem to go from one movie and one costar relationship to the next and never lose their popularity.

Granted some do.  I think Brad Pitt took a hit when he left "wholesome" Jennifer Annisten for "dangerous" Angelina Jolie.  But I bet many men thought he made a better to choice to go with the Hot girl over the wholesome girl.

I do think it is very different than in our personal lives.  There I think most people really value fidelity and expect it.  Unless it is well discussed before hand, as in Witch's case where he talks about having an open marriage, I think it is important to most people.

So we want it for ourselves but seem to tolerate promiscuity in others.

I am not sure what I would do.  I have been married almost 30 years and would I throw that away over a sexual fling??  I would if it was a deep relationship but a fling?  Just not sure.  I definately would not want to know.  And if I found out I guess I would consider working through it and figuring out why he felt the need to have a fling with some young thing.  ( assuming it would be a hot young thing)

Well, kings and queens throughout history had an official spouse, and a or many mistresses. According to Doctor Who, Madamme de Pompadour and the queen of France got along very well. Of cource, that different than a marriage based on love.

Then there's the Monty Python sketch where John Clease chats lightly about his showgirl mistress to his wife, then they go to the show so his wife can see "which one is ours?". "Oh, she's allright." Again, not real life. Amusing though.

Good observation, lastpointe.