I meant the title of this thread to be "Farewell to my oldest friend". I had some technical difficulties and had to try and remember what I had called it.

I hear you Elanor. I'm sorry. Several of my old friends and I have parted ways too. It's like being astranged from family. Maybe in time, you can meet up again.

double

Sometimes it's for the best.  I'm lucky, I haven't had any major arguements or friend breakups in a long time.  I'm more of the age where everyone is moving, getting married, changing carreers, etc.  My biggest issue is staying in touch with friends when it's no longer easy to keep up.  I really only have one good friend from high school (actually before then).  We both get busy and don't always keep up with each other.  We've probably gone a year before seeing each other at times.  We both understand that though and can pick up when we do get to see each other.  Otherwise, I have a few friends from high school that I'll send a message to on occassion, but barely communicate with them.  Even people I went to university with are drifting further away.

I think this is easier when it's people you probably wouldn't have remained friends with due to differences, but hard when it's people you'd remain great friends with if you would just be able to see each other more frequently!

It sounds like a wise move for you Elanorgold but that doesn't mean you won't miss her.

Perhaps not the actual friendship but i expect you will miss the potential for it to be a good friendship.

We all need to surround ourselves with people who can be supportive and get rid of the ones who cause stress.

I agree with lastpointe and also know it is difficult to throw in the towel with many invested years.  I think sometimes we hold on to relationships when they are naturally meant only to be acquaintances...but I do understand that there is still sadness.  Be kind to yourself through this...

Thanks ladies.

I could never imagine just being aquaintences with this friend. When she said to me 14 years ago, "Keep in touch", it broke my heart. And she knew it too. She meant it to. I had hoped that when she also got married we would be friends again, then I hoped that when she had a child, she would then understand me, but it never got good again. I deleted her email from my contacts list. We have also gone a year without contact, so it will take more than that long for it to be really apparant.

I sent her a present for her and her daughter at xmas, one I bought years ago and never gave her. I just knew I had to send it now or I never would. It was a parting gift to remember the good times by, like my other friends gave me when they knew it was over. I have a ring and a tape from one friend, and the memory of a goodbye hug from another.

It's hard to lose a good friend, no matter what the circumstances are. Even if it's a healthy thing to let go of, it doesn't make it easy. Hugs to you Elanorgold.

Since you were 6?!  That's a hard core friendship :3  What times you must've had...

you'll always have the memories

((HUGS)) is all I can say. 

Extending caring thoughts, Elanorgold . . . this is a loss, and losses carry pain - thinking of you in yours.

Hi Elanorgold, 

I am sorry for the loss of your childhood relationship.  As we grow and change we hope that our friends grow and change with us.  But that does not always happen. Like with marital relaionships people grow apart.  Some relationships even become harmful to our emotional well being (which seems to have been the case here) and it is best that we let those relationships go.  We wish these people well, but can no longer have them in our lives. 

But as old relationships fade we also make new friends. We may not be able to keep them for the rest of our lives either but we are glad to have them while we can. The new friends become special to us in a different way.

Thanks Baylacey. Wise words. I  had a bit of a cry yesterday, didn't think I was going to, but it happened anyway.

Yes, since we were 6. Lots of memories, good and bad. She was my bosom buddy, like a sister almost, then like my worst enemy.

Interesting to look into a future without her. Kinda positive.

I wish I knew what to say. From the title I had assumed that someone died. It immediately made me remember one dear friend in particular who has died and how very much I would love for her to be in my life still. The idea of letting a friendship go is kind of hard to get knowing how rare and precious they are and how capricious fate can be. Even so what you wrote sounds like a reasonable decision on your part. If it is unhealthy for you perhaps that is best. I'm tempted to say leave the door open a crack and if she genuinely comes around great, and if not then don't leave yourself in a position to get hurt. I know that approach would lack closure and perhaps make it harder to move on. Regardless I do wish you peace and comfort with such a difficult matter.

Thanks Jon. I have thought about what I would do if she emailed or phoned or wrote. My plan is not to read her email, stow away letters unread til I decide what to do with them, and speak briefly if she calls, but I highly doubt that she would.  I'm not leaving the light on for her. I automatially dislike women I see who remind me of her. That's a bad sign. But Thanks. I'm not burning her pictures.

It's almost compareable to the break up of a girlfriend/boyfriend relationship, then trying to be friends after. You can't be that close then be aquaintences after, there's too many hurt feelings. I don't trust her. She has enjoyed it when I've suffered. She has neglected me and felt and acted superior to me, excluded me.

I just can't think about it any more now. Got to move on.

You have said it yourself, Elanor......

Once trust is gone - so has the relationship.

It's the most reliable litmus test there is...........

Elanor, 

Time will pass as you will grieve the loss of this relationship.  RIght now the wound is fresh, but try not to dwell on it. (Easy to say, harder to do.)  In time you will be able to look back and remember when times were good and the negative aspects of the relationship will not hurt they way that they do now.  But first you have to heal.  Allow yourself the time to do that.

Hi Elanorgold...the phrase "she has enjoyed it when I suffered" is a real red flag to me.  I've had some experience with this personality type and have finally found a great book that helped me move forward.  It's called In Sheep's Clothing and I've made notes on the book.  If you (or anyone else) would like my notes...wondermail me your email address and I'll send them along. 

This is ringing true for me, Elanor, and I'm sorry that you have felt similar to how I now feel.  The biggest difference for me is that I share many mutual friends with this "toxic" person.  I'm still struggling with how to proceed.

AB - who is the author of that book?  I wonder if I could get it at my library.  thanks.

Hi Hilary. I'm sorry to hear that. That would be more difficult I think, with shared friends.

Thanks again ladies.

Hi Hillary...the author is George K. Simon and he has a blog that is also very informative.

no sign of it in my library's online catalogue.  I'll have to look up the blog instead.  thanks, Penny.