Hi LB - so yesterday was the first ever UN International Day of the Girl Child.  Didn't notice anything in my own community ... but on the news I saw reports of observances around the world.

The video's you've posted are such a juxtaposition.  The first one - WOW - what an amazing kid that is.  What struck me in watching the video - Her First Nations heritage and teaching has been very strong and influential - she's got an innate understanding of connectedness to other beings & truly feels it in the most respectful of ways.  I love her passion and commitment.  (I was wondering who the guy in the suit is tho - he looked barely able to tolerate the whole experience.)

The second video - oh so tragic.  I have seen parts of it previously, but made my self watch it all this time - heartbreakingly sad.  The exclusion, lack of connection and longing for acceptance was poignant to me.   Last night I watched a programme on CBC DocZone - "Sext Up Kids" - which commented on the early sexualization of our kids, how kids get drawn into sexting with such horrid - and to them completely unforeseen - results as this video displays.   It was an excellent doc - well worth seeing IMO.

Indeed - just asking your well posed question "How can we, I, tilt the balance so there are more confident young women"  is a good start.  Recognizing that each of us CAN likely do SOMETHING ... if we are intentional.   Let me go ponder my next move. 

My suggestion:

Become a Big Sister or Big Brother to those with families that do not support their children like the girl in the first video.

The second girl had appearently not enough guidance to even stop her from going on facebook.

Thank you for sharing those two videos LB. Two young girls, both from the Lower Mainland, telling such sad stories. The difference is, one was told with such hope and the other with such despair. Sadly, we'll never know who Amanda Todd could have become. I suspect, however, that we haven't heard the last of Ta'Kaiya Blaney - at least I hope not.

I have seen Ta'Kaiya here in Vancouver and was really impressed with her ability and insightfor a young kid. It was inpiring.. She's great, and quite well known around here I think. I'm sure we'll be hearing more from her. Very sad about Amanda Todd.  She had been crying for help, as well as trying to help others and people missed the call.

Yet, should we consider kids at either end of the spectrum the norm?

We do not know what facets drive into the overperforming child or into the child that struggles:  nurture, nature, culture, relationships

I guess that in some ways that I feel the girl who has lost her life has in some ways continued to be a victim through all of the folks who use her as an example.

Hi LBmuskoka,

They share a planet and yet they live in different worlds.  In one world a young woman thrives, in another a young woman withers, in yet another . . .something different or perhaps more of the same.

I suspect we will continue to question simply because we will never know the totality of the systems each young woman was a part of.

It most certainly did.

As I watched Amanda's video and I read her story it struck me that this is bigger than bullying.  In fact, that it has been reduced to bullying distracts from the greater tragedy.  It appears that there is a mental health component also at play.  

I am skeptical that bullying is the cause of that.  At this point in time whether it is causal or coincidental really doesn't matter.  Certainly not to those who want there to be someone an accusatory finger can point at.  In this tragedy it is very helpful for those who feel a burden of guilt to have somebody else nearby to take blame.

The bullies are being used by toehrs to let them off of the hook.

With respect to Amanda and people in her space the issue is very much that they are not connected to our world.  They are trapped in their own.  Regrettably there is little commentary that any of us can provide that doesn't belatedly point fingers at Amanda's support systems and mention the obvious.

Amanda made poor choices.  Children will.

Amanda was exploited sexually, according to her testimony and yet we focus on bullying.  This world is still failing Amanda.

Grace and peace to you.

John

Thank you rev john

I agree there is nothing that can be done for Amanda nor for that matter Ta'Kaiya, both girls have created their stories.  Nor do I think the blame game is appropriate or effective.

I also agree with Pinga when she wrote these two young woman are the polar opposites ...  not all young women will become one or the other but there are many young women who are on the cusp.  These young women are in our communities.  Each of us will encounter one or the other in our day to day living.

The question is - how to recognize them, and then, do we uplift young women either out of despair or to the place where she can confidently face a crowd of people and speak her own voice.

Or do we simply let our young women write their own stories, fall and rise alone?

“I am aware that I am less than some people prefer me to be, but most people are unaware that I am so much more than what they see.”
― Douglas Pagels

Hi LBmuskoka,

In order to recognize them they must be a part of our worlds too.  There must be connection in some way, no matter how tenuous.  Ideally it helps if we are a part of a young person's development.  The earlier, the better.

There is always the possibility that any of us, coming late to the development party can pick up pieces neglected and fill in gaps that are present.  And if that possibility arises the character we bring forward will either build up or it will destroy.

From Amanda's testimony there were two, at the very least, who exploited a vulnerability in her.  Had those two been of decidedly more noble character themselves the testimony would have been very different.

As difficult as it is to see tragedies unfold we are going to have to come to grips with the reality that all of us are finite beings and there is much that we simply cannot be present for, as well as much that we will be present for yet miss.

I find it difficult to believe that Amanda, so open on a YouTube video, could be just as open to family, friends and health providers and they would just allow events to unfold as they did.  Difficult perhaps but not impossible.  Sometimes we deceive ourselves because the reality that presents is simply to horrible to comprehend or even accept.  Othertimes we are not equipped to recognize or appreciate the clear signals that are being sent.

That presumes that we are in a position to do otherwise.  In the last couple of years my wife and I, because we are fb friends with our daughters and regularly run through their pages, have caught two young women with strong suicidal ideation in their status updates.  Both times we took immediate action and contacted their parents.  For one it lead to a very long conversation between parents and child, for another it was a desperate race to the hospital which proved timely.  In both instances we have let the parents know that whatever resources we have at our disposal we would make available to them.

In the first we have had contact from the young woman who was thankful that somebody cared enough to take action.  We have had very little contact with herself or her parents since, though believe me we monitor that contact very closely.  In the second, the parents were thankful and fb contact with their daughter has been blocked (presumeably by the daughter herself--which we find worriesome) which sends a very clear message that we are not welcome in that young woman's world.  The closest one to tragedy is the one who has rejected us having any ongoing part in her life.  I hope it is a long rejection.

Closer to home I have two daughters.  The oldest worries about things with all of the intensity of her mother and with all the stubbornness of her father.  Not the best mix.  She will be clearly upset and refuse to talk about what it is that is bothering her.  She is a very tough nut to crack.  It isn't that she doesn't trust us.  It isn't even that she is afraid of how we will react (although she knows that if she has been hurt I don't even consider turning my cheek as a response--stereotypical dad response) so sometimes she worries about how to protect me from myself.  All this in a stable and loving environment.  What if we hadn't given her that much?  The other daughter is stereotypically an adolescent so there can be much ado about nothing from time to time.

I recognize the idea that it takes a village to raise a child as one that has tremendous merit.  What I think many of us fail to recognize is that here in the west, we build our own villages and geography often has little to do with it.

In the midst of tragedies like Amanda's there is a reaction we have that really only needs Amanda as a catalyst.  We would have done something.  Somebody should have done something and we feed off of the rage of injustice.  And yet, when a finger is pointed at us and we say that we didn't have a clue about what was going on that Amanda was a continent away we have our excuses ready so that we can go back to our rage filled diet without having to get up and serve somebody else.

Nobody (well nobody healthy at any rate) wants there to be another Amanda.  Odds are very strong there have been several between the time I started this response and the time somebody reads it.  Even if I had spent all of the time and energy contained in this post looking, I likely never would have seen one of them.

We are finite beings.  Even at our best, we simply are not enough for every need.

Now, if everyone was trying their best we might come close.

As Amanda's testimony shows the fires started by two are fanned by countless others and we, as much as we want to put that fire out may be overwhelmed.  Somebody loved Amanda, somebody cared about her.  Despite that, she felt all alone.

Grace and peace to you.

John

And the question is, our we - the collective we - building villages that promote more Ta'Kaiyas or Amandas?

I realize that as indviduals we are all capable of only so much.  I equally realize that there are some who will reject any and all positive interventions.  I long ago learned that for some the damage is done by the time I or you arrive on the scene ... but

I also know that the message sent in the larger, shall we say global, context is strong.  It builds on those little villages and shapes the outlooks of the group and the indiviudal.

What is the grand message that is sent to young women?

Always design a thing by considering it in its next larger context - a chair in a room, a room in a house, a house in an environment, an environment in a city plan.

      Eliel Saarinen (Finnish Architect, 1873-1950)

Hi LBmuskoka,

I respectfully submit that the employment of the royal we in this instance is an abdication of personal responsibility that we all share to some degree.  We lament that we have not built and fingers turn towards the convenient scapegoats of government, institutions and cultures.

That helps us to avoid asking the most obvious question, "What have I done about it?"

I don't fit into Amanda Todd's context in any percievable way.  I am present in my own context and I may be connecting with individuals who have much in common with Amanda Todd on a number of levels.

How do I treat my neighbour?

The quickest way to shape a group is to shape the individuals that comprise it.  Not an easy feat in our current culture.

Grace and peace to you.

John

Hi Folks

I'm reading along. I wonder if some of you have read the letter Amanda's mom wrote. Its all so very sad.

God be with the family.

http://blogs.vancouversun.com/2012/10/12/amandas-story-in-her-mothers-wo...

And I respectfully submit that individuals can only do so much, there must be a collective will to change the course of a Titanic.

If all the responsibility is left to the individual then the success or failure is carried by the person not the community.  In the case of bullying for far too long the responsibility has been firmly placed on the, for want of a better word, victim.

Amanda's father was quoted in the Vancouver Sun (click link for full article) as saying

"Let the bully know what it is like to move into a school and know nobody and start all over.”

But even then I say, it is not just the bully but the whole community and how it reacts to the individuals that stays or shifts the course.

In another article, in an endless stream of searching articles, David A. Wolfe a senior scientist at the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health, wrote

How a child learns to relate to others is analogous to building a house: Early relationships form the foundation for future ones. It’s more likely that children and teens who engage in bullying will carry these patterns into future relationships with spouses, children and colleagues. This can’t be what we want for our children and grandchildren – so let’s turn some serious attention to reducing bullying by promoting healthy, non-abusive relationships.

(Bullying is a viral relationship problem)

It is not just the bully, not just the victim, it is the collective that weave the full cloth of our worlds.  There may be stronger threads and weaker threads but only bound together are we whole.

“We are caught in an inescapable network of mutuality, tied in a single garment of destiny. Whatever affects one directly, affects all indirectly.”

      Martin Luther King

Hi LBmuskoka,

Only the Captain or another officer could have changed the course of the Titanic.  Group effort would have been labelled mutiny.  Of course the obvious lesson from that particular tragedy is that nobody saw the trouble until there was no possible way to avoid it.  Chances were taken, risks were minimized and to much trust put in a false sense of security and ability.

Very true.  No responsibility left with the individual means that only the community fails. The either/or approach is profoundly faulty in this tragedy.

As a member of community it is my responsibility, as a citizen, to react when I feel that there is a present danger.  It may turn out that my assessment is wrong and in that case my reputation suffers and maybe I have to live with being the guy who cried wolf.

The victim is not isolated from the community.  Nor, on that point, are the victimizers.  Everyone else used to belong to a group we labelled, innocent bystanders.  Among those bystanders are some who see clearly everything that is going on and those who do not see at all clearly what is going on.  If those who can see clearly do not act apportioning blame to those who cannot see at all does not help.

So, what are we going to do about it.

I can empathize with Amanda's father and the sentiment expressed.  He wants justice for his daughter.  I think it blinds him to some of the reality.  He found his daughter beaten, she didn't want it to be a big deal so they both pretended it wasn't.

Like the Captain of a fine vessel heedless of Icebergs drifting in the dark.  And the passengers elsewhere off enjoying themselves, how would they know what to look for?

Now there is no pretending.

Based on the testimony of the parents Amanda didn't tell them everything either and they should not be held responsible for not knowing what was deliberately kept from them.

Should they have known everything that was going on?  I've been father to three teens I'm ready to disabuse anybody of such a simplistic notion should it be suggested.

On this point I will agree.  Community response is important.  Waiting around to feel which way the communal wind is blowing rarely happens.  Individuals respond and based upon how we perceive that individual ranks in the community we may vary our rnitial thoughts into something we believe is more acceptable.

A young woman is exposed on Facebook.  How do I respond to that--that will inform the community response.  If I mock and ridicule I open the door for more of the same.  If empathize I have opened a different door.  And all the while I, as an individual am deciding which door to open there are others quicker on the draw opening doors that I ultimately reject.  When all of that is weighed together that is the communal response.  Every individual contributes and every individual is responsible for what they contribute.

I agree with Wolfe to a degree.  Early relationships form the foundations for future ones.  Which means that bullying can hardly be anomalous.  The earlier it is introduced into any life the harder it will be to excise it from all future relationships.

Presupposing that it isn't the parent who is the first bully to come into any individual's life the parent has mere moments to build a relationship that will not buckle under the weight of bullying and if we are being honest, those moments exist only if that parent's parents were able to build such a relationship before any bullies came around.

Corrections can always happen later.  They will, of necessity, be much more difficult and prone to constant rebuilding.

I am particularly supportive of Wolfe's call to build relationships that are healthy and non-abusive.  Though I appreciate how difficult that will be.

Even here at WonderCafe.ca where we are, for the most part, mature adults we do not always excel in health or even being non-abusive.  Sometimes that gets called, sometimes it doesn't.  Most times, I suspect we brush it aside and/minimize it.

Of course that might just be me wondering what the fine line is between disrespect and abuse.  I don't think I cross it.  I would not be surprised if anyone were to disagree and suggest that I do.

Grace and peace to you.

John