Hi Seeler,

After sharing more than a decade with someone special I find myself alone, but not through death or divorce (I giess you need an category here called 'Other').  Only having a previous divorce to compare it to, I find this separation to be more difficult to deal with.  When the 1st marriage ended I had someone to be angry with (besides myself).  This time around, through no fault of my own (and no fault of hers, either, I hasten to add) we live seoarate existences.  We keep in touch as best we can, but it just ain't the same. 

Never having dealt with the death of a spouse, I can't speak to that.  But I find that, though I empathize with such separations, I surely don't "know how you feel."  Seems each one is unique, with its own intensities, sore points, etc.

Sorry, what was the question again?  O yes...A) I don't think it would be harder iof the spouse had died; B) well, she's living, but I daresay her enjoyment of life is greatly curtailed...

Forgive me if I ramble, and if I've answered 7 different questions, but not the ones you asked... but I saw the title, and felt moved to respond to it.  Did I muddify the clarifications?

I don't have any idea.

Loss in any manner - divorce, death or illness as RedBaron mentions is all tough. Which is worse? I'm like jae, I don't know.

I would suspect that which is worse is entirely dependent on the persons involved and the situation.  However, I have read in many places that divorce can be worse because there is not the same finality/clarity of the end.

and does it make a difference if you were the leaver or the one left?

All involve grief.

My marriage ended 11 years ago.

It was tough as the dream of raising 3 kids together was gone. And it was tough doing 24/7 care of the kids on my own, and struggling for money and time (as my work hours had to increase. And yes it was the right decision for me and I'd chosse it again if I had to do it over.

Now my neighbour is widowed- with 3 kids. He received more support from friends in terms of meals and offers of childcare. Money isn;'t a concern but caring for kids 24/7 and struggling with time are still issues.

Some similarities some differences.

I agree with Tabitha, it is all about grieving. Divorce leaves you grieving the broken dreams and plans, no matter if you are the one who initiated it.

Another factor in both situations: dependancy- if one was depending on the other severely the feeling of loss and maybe fear might be even stronger. when I see spouses being caregivers for many years, and suddenly the void of a meaning at the time of death, this is a difficult thing to cope with.

I am grateful that this has not yet been part of my life experience, so I can't answer from any direct knowledge.

I wonder though, about the inclination to try to determine which is "worse" or "harder"?    I would guess both could be awful, or tragic, or okay or a great relief, or many other things depending on a myriad of circumstances. Similar and different, as said above.  But why do we as people want to measure things such as this - one against the other?   Just a musing thought on a warm evening.

It's true, Carolla, that it's a bit of a guess to say which is 'harder'; a lot depends on circumstance and life stage and experiences, etc etc etc.  A loss is a loss, though each one may be differing experiences for different people (or even the same person at two different points), they all involve grief.

Just as each loss through death is different for everyone, so is loss through divorce, especially if you are the one who has been left, different - from other divorces and from losing someone through death.

I'm not particularly saying divorce is worse, but if you are a spouse who has been abandoned by choice and circumstance rather than through death generally speaking people don't send cards, visit, bring casseroles.  Offers of "whatever I can do to help" aren't always in abundance.  Yet, you are left to live out life on your own.  Your marriage and your dreams for your life together have died.  Sometimes you have to raise children on your own.  Sometimes you are left with a lot of anger, bitterness, unsettled business.  Sometimes you have to watch your ex move onto a new and different life when you are still wishing yours hadn't ended.

I don't really think you can compare the two, or say one is worse than the other.  For the person living either one, there is nothing worse than what they are dealing with.

You're so right carolla  - it's hardly a competition.

Divorce and death are both about separation and loss - and they both involve grieving.

Ultimately we all have to face the fact that grief is the price we pay for love. We can avoid grief by avoiding an intimate relationship. But then we lead only half a life, the choice is ours.

A final thought for those that are left behind - either through death or divorce. You can choose to see the glass half full or half empty.

Half empty means you concentrate on your loss - half full means you feel gratitude for the love you shared.

I believe you owe it to at least yourself - and in my particular case my husband as well - to remember the good times.

On the other extreme, a neighbour of ours, when I was a kid, was dying of cancer.  His wife came up to visit him in the hospital and to introduce him to his replacement; that is, her boyfriend, whom she would marry as soon as he died.  She wasn't the grieving widow for very long.  That has to be the epitome of insensitivity.  To restore my faith in justice, she married the guy who proceeded to take her for everything she had leaving her virtually penniless and her kids cut off from her. 

Some people have already stated above that it is difficult to measure loss and I agree..

A young hydro worker died near Port Elgin Tuesday evening during the storm - he was trying to repair a line.  He leaves behind a wife and child.  He was a former student, as was his brother and I know his parents well.  Several communities are grieving the loss of this wonderful young man.  If you asked his wife, what would her answer be????

A young woman (story is on a thread here) lost her life in a tragic bus accident.  Her husband is a fireman and is trying to rebuild his life after serious injuries.  He has two daughters to care for.  What would his answer be??

Some divorces end amicably - some don't.  It depends on the circumstances.  My sister struggled through a painful divorce.  She and four children were literally abandoned and left to cope as best they could.  Years later my sister learned to forgive and forget and now she and her ex-husband are friends.  He isn't a bad fellow and does feel some remorse.  He stepped up a few years ago to help with their children.  Did my sister feel lost, angry, diminished....yes, because he left her for another woman.  Did she want him back - absolutely not, and since then has gone on to rebuild her life surrounded by wonderful friends. 

I saw and felt her pain. Today a young family is grieving the loss of a husband and father.  How does anyone measure loss?

I started wondering abut this when someone remarked at a social group I belong to that 'so-and-so' should talk to 'somebody' because they were both in the same situation.  It kinda took me by surprise.  Of course, no two situations are alike.  Maybe they do share a lot of the same problems:  living alone, fixing meals for one, not having a partner to go to parties and card games with, or to get the couples rate on accommodations.  But I would also think there would be a whole lot of differences.  Death is permanent; no way of hoping that you can work things out, or even eventually be friends.  But the widow may have many happy years to look back on, while her deserted friend may be looking back over a rather bleak and unhappy past.    (of course it could be the other way around with the widow finally able to call her soul her own, and the divorced person thinking back over the happy times before things went horribly wrong.)    

I guess I'm just not able to accept the assumption by some (probably only a few) that just because two people now find themselves alone that they have much in common.

Seeler, 

This reminds me of a conversation I had with a hospital chaplain a few years ago.  We were taking a two day course about ethics in health care.  His words have stuck with me ever since. 

He said that we always talk about tragedy like it can be measured . . .

That's so true!

I have always had a natural curiosity about others - but, since being widowed, this can lead to misunderstandings.

I've found myself in the situation of saying, "I just enjoy having a chat - and no, I don't want to go out with you".

By the same token it would be nice to have coffee or lunch with an interesting man - if you could be sure that he'd be willing to leave it at that.